Tuesday, November 21, 2006
George WTF Bush
Quote by Bush this past weekend while in Southeast Asia:
"...North Korea's NUKULAR ambitions..."
Hey G-Dub; three words: Hooked on Phonics!
"...North Korea's NUKULAR ambitions..."
Hey G-Dub; three words: Hooked on Phonics!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Mr. Redneck's Trailer Park
[As always, during piano intro ("It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park"), see the trailer park miniature, back up from pole barn, pan right with the pickup, and then zoom to his trailer's miniature.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Then, as the music continues, inside, looking at Mr. Rednecks' empty trailer from the fish tank, past the neon Bud sign flashing, past Picher Picher (with painting of old-fashioned farm fields), past living room and up to the door. MR. REDNECKS enters, a welcoming smile and singing: "It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park." He wears a lei around his neck but it's not made of flowers, but unhulled peanuts! He wears a denim jacket today and, while singing, goes to the closet, changing it for a plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, leaving the lei on.]
MR REDNECKS
[singing] "It's a bootiful day in this trailer park,
A bootiful day for a neighbor.
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Jes’ like y’all.
I've always wanted to live in a trailer park
With y’all, so
Let's make the most of this bootiful day
Since we're together,
Reckon might as well say,
"Would y’all be mine, could y’all be mine,
Won't y’all be, my neighbor?"
Won't y’all please?
Won't y’all please?
Please won't y’all be
My neighbor?"
[He sat down on the bench and changed a boot for one of the old house slipper he keeps on the bench. The song is done, he stops, speaks as slow and neighborly as ever. During this (after showing us the peanut lei), he puts on the other slipper. We notice they are not matched.]
Heya neighbor.
See anything, different looking around my neck?
See this? A buddy of mine made this for me. Hmm-hmm. It's called a "peanut lei."
I guess lei is another word for a, necklace. Heh heh. An' this is made of aallll different peanuts. I didn't knooow there could be so many different looking ones. Just like we saw last time. Each One is different. Just like each one of our buddies is different, an' each one is special. Y’all know who one of my special buddies is. Y’all know the person who says, "Speedy Delivery"?
Mr. McFeely. He told me last time that he would bring us a videotape of how folks make chili- from the library. Well, he's not here right yet, so while we're waitin’ for him to come, why don't we sing our song about waitin’. Y’all know the one that says, "let's figure of sumpin’ to do while we're waitin’"?
[sings] "Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ for sumpin’ new
To do!
Let's try to figure up a song,
While we're waitin’,
That's liberatin’, and will be true,
To
Y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ 'til sumpin’s through!
Y’all know it's really All Right?
In fact it's downright,
Quite bright,
To figure of sumpin’ to do,
That's specific for y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're Waitin’!"
[remembers something] I have sumpin’ Right Now I'd like to show y’all. While we're waitin’. This is sumpin’ that I found, that I thought might be fun for y’all to see. Take a look at this here...
[He got a little box from near him on the bench. It's about 4" X 4" X 1", a cosmic little black box that is clear on one wide side to show: a yellow background and red and green bubbles that flow downward. Mr. Rednecks is slowly turning it this way and that, making patterns (closeup on it for us to see it). Dueling Banjos music accompanies. At the end:]
Ain’t that there fun?
I don't know how it's done but I figure that there's some, water, and some, oils--different colored oils--they just, kinda make me feel like I been smokin’ ragweed. Y’all know sumpin’ else I like to do? I like to read books. In fact, I remember the first teacher I had, who helped me to learn to read so’s I could get my drivin’ license. Here's a book of poems. It's just wonderful to be able to read. Yep.
[When he'd mentioned books, he'd got up and got a book from Pickup's area and held it up for us (title is POEMS, it looks homemade). He sits down on the couch and opens it up.]
Here's a, poem that I like. It's wonderful to know what, those words on the page mean. It says: " There once wuz a man from Nantucket, Whose wiener was so long he could…"-- [someone's knocking] Oh there's somebody at the door. Oh maybe it's Mr. McFeely!
[has got up and looks out window] It is.
[quickly gets door] Come in, Mr. McFeely!
MR McFEELY
Indeed. Sorry that this delivery took so long.
REDNECKS
Ohhh, my buddies an' I have lots of ideas of ways to, do things while we're waitin’.
McFEELY
Then y’all never be bored!
REDNECKS
That's no shit!
McFEELY
Well that's a nice lei y’all have on.
REDNECKS
Yes, a friend of mine made that--all different peanuts.
McFEELY
And this videotape is how people make chili. [shows him the "How People Make Chili" video tape]
REDNECKS
I know! Uh, could y’all wait, an' watch it with us?
McFEELY
Oh I--I can, I don't have that many deliveries today, an' as a matter fact--
REDNECKS
Hmm--hmm?
McFEELY
I have seen it an' I'll be able to tell y’all some things.
REDNECKS
--Good!--
McFEELY
All righty?
REDNECKS
Good, we'll watch it together.
McFEELY
All righty.
[They move to Picher Picher and REDNECKS puts the tape in down on the side by Pickup's oil stained park area.]
REDNECKS
We'll look at it on Picher Picher, "How People make Chili."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[As we watch, McFEELY explains what's going on with all this equipment, machinery, and people. REDNECKS echoes and comments, too, interested.]
McFEELY
[about a walking through a grocery store]
First, people go to the Piggly Wiggly to get vittles."
REDNECKS
Those are grocery stores…
McFEELY
[closeup on the shopping cart, cans of potted meat and Chili]
And then gets all their canned goods.
REDNECKS
Chili, fresh from the store...
McFEELY
[at the checkout counter]
That's right. But first, y’all have to pay for it. Git out yer food stamps.
REDNECKS
[driving home from the store]
Now they are on the way home, crossing the railroad tracks.
McFEELY
Hmm-hmm, ya gots to be careful on the railroad tracks, so y’all don’t spill yer PBR.
REDNECKS
Hmm-mm. Ah know what y’all mean...
McFEELY
[about opening the can of chili]
Here the folks are using a can opener to get the chili out.
REDNECKS
I hear some folks have ‘lectric can openers!
McFEELY
[about dumping the chili into a sauce pan]
They surely do. Here you gotta heat up the chili. Don’t turn up the hot plate too high or the chili will stick to the pan.
REDNECKS
Can you eat it right from the can?
McFEELY
Well ya can, but it’s better warm.
[the chili is now hot. Pouring the chili into a bowl]
Now here's the important part. You can eat the chili with crackers, or pour it over the top of just about any other food.
REDNECKS
Git in mah belly!
McFEELY
In a few hours you get a bonus!
REDNECKS
Hmm!
McFEELY
Chili Farts!
REDNECKS
Be very careful, around open flames!
McFEELY
That's right.
REDNECKS
Now what needs to be done?
[about cleaning up the mess]
McFEELY
Now just throw the paper plate away and let the dog lick the pan. That’s all!
[Back to the living room, REDNECKS gets the tape.]
REDNECKS
Now when I eat chili, I'll know about some of the people who helped to make it.
McFEELY
It takes people to make practically everything, doesn't it?
REDNECKS
Yes, that's why so many people have go to work.
McFEELY
I have my speedy delivery work, and y’all do yore television programs.
REDNECKS
Yeah, that's right. Takes people to make all sorts of things.
McFEELY
Away, and at home, too. I uh, better get back to my speedy deliveries; I have more pickups and deliveries.
REDNECKS
Good, would y’all mind taking that tape back to the library?
McFEELY
I'll do it, if y’all, will, sign right here on the dotted line for the pickup and delivery. [getting clipboard out of his sack]
REDNECKS
[signing an “X”] Of course. I appreciate yore work, Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
An' I appreciate yore business.
REDNECKS
[walking with McFEELY to door] Please give my best to Mrs. McFeely.
McFEELY
I'llll do that, we'll seeee y’all around the trailer park.
REDNECKS
Thank y’all again.
McFEELY
Y’all're welcome! Speedy Delivery. [leaves with a wave]
REDNECKS
Bye. [shuts door and turns to us, stopping at the bottom of the stairs] Ain’t that interesting? Seeing how people make things like chili?
Does it feel good to learn things?
It does for me. [phone's ringing] Oh there's the phone.
[goes to the other side of the post for the phone]
Hello?
[sitting] Mr. McFeely!
Yes! Yes I'm here, hmm-mm.
Well of course! Y’all know y’all're always welcome here.
All right. Fine! Thank y’all. Bye-bye.
[to us, soon getting up] Mr. McFeely says, I just want to bring one more thing, one more thing. So he must have a surprise to bring us.
McFEELY
A Speedy Delivery surprise!
[McFEELY has a real orange flower lei around his neck and another in his hand. (At the start, the Speedy music was in background.)]
REDNECKS
--What are those?--
McFEELY
Well, when I returned the video tape to the library, I happened to stop in on a craft class, and they were making flower leis, an' they gave me this one, an' they asked me to, Speedy Delivery this one, to y’all! [REDNECKS was saying, "Hmm-hmm" and "Uh-huh" during all of this]
REDNECKS
This one's for me?
McFEELY
There y’all go. Speedy Delivery to y’all.
[REDNECKS puts it on. (Brief electric organ Hawaiian music in background.)]
REDNECKS
[smiling, holding peanut lei up] Peanuts.
McFEELY
Peanuts.
REDNECKS
[likewise with the flower lei] An' flowers.
McFEELY
An' flowers. Well, many different ways of makin' necklaces.
REDNECKS
There certainly are. Do y’all have a minute I can show y’all sumpin’.
McFEELY
I do.
[McFEELY follows him downstairs, REDNECKS is going to the bench for that magic little box.]
REDNECKS
[about the lei] Thank y’all for this.
McFEELY
Well, y’all're welcome.
REDNECKS
Boy all the things that they do at the library.
McFEELY
Many things there.
REDNECKS
I would like y’all to see this.
McFEELY
What's this?
REDNECKS
Sumpin’ that I found..
McFEELY
--Mm-mm--
REDNECKS
[turning it as before] Look at it..
[Close-up on it making different patterns as Mr. Rednecks slowly turns it this way and that.]
McFEELY
Why, it's a Moving, Picture. Ha ha!
REDNECKS
[laughs] Ha ha! Yes it is!
McFEELY
That's bootiful.
REDNECKS
I figure it is.
I keep looking at it an' seeing aaall of the different, designs that it makes..
McFEELY
No one picture is the same!
They're all different.
REDNECKS
They surely are. Just like allll of the flowers and all peanuts--
McFEELY
And all people--
REDNECKS
And all people. Do y’all figure y’all grandchildren would enjoy seeing this.
McFEELY
They would love seeing this. They're coming for a visit, [R: "Hmm-hmm"] do y’all figure I could borrow it?
REDNECKS
Of course!
McFEELY
An' I'll bring it back in a few days.
REDNECKS
All right.
McFEELY
[takes it] Speedy Delivery. A lot of surprises in this trailer park! Heh-heh-heh! [leaving]
REDNECKS
[a farewell] That's for sure. Thanks Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
Yeah, I have one more delivery, then I'm going home! Good day--
REDNECKS
Please give Mrs. McFeely my best.
McFEELY
I will. Speedy Delivery to y’all! [REDNECKS: Byeee!] Buh-bye! [he's gone]
REDNECKS
[shuts door, comes back down stairs, sits on bench] It's fun to take care, ain’t it?
As y’all grow, y’all'll find more an' more ways of taking care. Of y’allrself, and others. An' when y’all do it, it gives y’all such a good feeling.
[happy, singing] "It's such a good, feeling
To know y’all're alive
It's such a Happy feeling
Y’all're growing inside
And when y’all wake up, ready to say:
'I figure I'll make a snappy new day'
It's such a good, feeling
A very good feeling
A feeling y’all know
That, I'll be back
When the day is new
An' I'll have more, ideas
For y’all.
And y’all'll have things y’all'll want to talk about.
I
Will
Too."
[During the song, he took his slippers off again and slipped back into his boots. Then he stood, took off his plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, and tossed it on the floor. As he talks, he puts his huntin' jacket on, keeping the leis on.]
Y’all always make each day a special day.
Y’all know how?
By just y’allr being y’allrself.
Only one person in this whole world like y’all. Y’all. And people can like y’all exactly as y’all are. I'll be back next time. Bye.
[He waves and leaves, shutting the door again. He'd got the music instrument off the bench before leaving.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During credits, we see the view of the trailer park miniature starting on his trailer, then back up to a wide shot, following the little pickup left to a pole barn we zoom in on.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Then, as the music continues, inside, looking at Mr. Rednecks' empty trailer from the fish tank, past the neon Bud sign flashing, past Picher Picher (with painting of old-fashioned farm fields), past living room and up to the door. MR. REDNECKS enters, a welcoming smile and singing: "It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park." He wears a lei around his neck but it's not made of flowers, but unhulled peanuts! He wears a denim jacket today and, while singing, goes to the closet, changing it for a plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, leaving the lei on.]
MR REDNECKS
[singing] "It's a bootiful day in this trailer park,
A bootiful day for a neighbor.
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Jes’ like y’all.
I've always wanted to live in a trailer park
With y’all, so
Let's make the most of this bootiful day
Since we're together,
Reckon might as well say,
"Would y’all be mine, could y’all be mine,
Won't y’all be, my neighbor?"
Won't y’all please?
Won't y’all please?
Please won't y’all be
My neighbor?"
[He sat down on the bench and changed a boot for one of the old house slipper he keeps on the bench. The song is done, he stops, speaks as slow and neighborly as ever. During this (after showing us the peanut lei), he puts on the other slipper. We notice they are not matched.]
Heya neighbor.
See anything, different looking around my neck?
See this? A buddy of mine made this for me. Hmm-hmm. It's called a "peanut lei."
I guess lei is another word for a, necklace. Heh heh. An' this is made of aallll different peanuts. I didn't knooow there could be so many different looking ones. Just like we saw last time. Each One is different. Just like each one of our buddies is different, an' each one is special. Y’all know who one of my special buddies is. Y’all know the person who says, "Speedy Delivery"?
Mr. McFeely. He told me last time that he would bring us a videotape of how folks make chili- from the library. Well, he's not here right yet, so while we're waitin’ for him to come, why don't we sing our song about waitin’. Y’all know the one that says, "let's figure of sumpin’ to do while we're waitin’"?
[sings] "Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ for sumpin’ new
To do!
Let's try to figure up a song,
While we're waitin’,
That's liberatin’, and will be true,
To
Y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ 'til sumpin’s through!
Y’all know it's really All Right?
In fact it's downright,
Quite bright,
To figure of sumpin’ to do,
That's specific for y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're Waitin’!"
[remembers something] I have sumpin’ Right Now I'd like to show y’all. While we're waitin’. This is sumpin’ that I found, that I thought might be fun for y’all to see. Take a look at this here...
[He got a little box from near him on the bench. It's about 4" X 4" X 1", a cosmic little black box that is clear on one wide side to show: a yellow background and red and green bubbles that flow downward. Mr. Rednecks is slowly turning it this way and that, making patterns (closeup on it for us to see it). Dueling Banjos music accompanies. At the end:]
Ain’t that there fun?
I don't know how it's done but I figure that there's some, water, and some, oils--different colored oils--they just, kinda make me feel like I been smokin’ ragweed. Y’all know sumpin’ else I like to do? I like to read books. In fact, I remember the first teacher I had, who helped me to learn to read so’s I could get my drivin’ license. Here's a book of poems. It's just wonderful to be able to read. Yep.
[When he'd mentioned books, he'd got up and got a book from Pickup's area and held it up for us (title is POEMS, it looks homemade). He sits down on the couch and opens it up.]
Here's a, poem that I like. It's wonderful to know what, those words on the page mean. It says: " There once wuz a man from Nantucket, Whose wiener was so long he could…"-- [someone's knocking] Oh there's somebody at the door. Oh maybe it's Mr. McFeely!
[has got up and looks out window] It is.
[quickly gets door] Come in, Mr. McFeely!
MR McFEELY
Indeed. Sorry that this delivery took so long.
REDNECKS
Ohhh, my buddies an' I have lots of ideas of ways to, do things while we're waitin’.
McFEELY
Then y’all never be bored!
REDNECKS
That's no shit!
McFEELY
Well that's a nice lei y’all have on.
REDNECKS
Yes, a friend of mine made that--all different peanuts.
McFEELY
And this videotape is how people make chili. [shows him the "How People Make Chili" video tape]
REDNECKS
I know! Uh, could y’all wait, an' watch it with us?
McFEELY
Oh I--I can, I don't have that many deliveries today, an' as a matter fact--
REDNECKS
Hmm--hmm?
McFEELY
I have seen it an' I'll be able to tell y’all some things.
REDNECKS
--Good!--
McFEELY
All righty?
REDNECKS
Good, we'll watch it together.
McFEELY
All righty.
[They move to Picher Picher and REDNECKS puts the tape in down on the side by Pickup's oil stained park area.]
REDNECKS
We'll look at it on Picher Picher, "How People make Chili."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[As we watch, McFEELY explains what's going on with all this equipment, machinery, and people. REDNECKS echoes and comments, too, interested.]
McFEELY
[about a walking through a grocery store]
First, people go to the Piggly Wiggly to get vittles."
REDNECKS
Those are grocery stores…
McFEELY
[closeup on the shopping cart, cans of potted meat and Chili]
And then gets all their canned goods.
REDNECKS
Chili, fresh from the store...
McFEELY
[at the checkout counter]
That's right. But first, y’all have to pay for it. Git out yer food stamps.
REDNECKS
[driving home from the store]
Now they are on the way home, crossing the railroad tracks.
McFEELY
Hmm-hmm, ya gots to be careful on the railroad tracks, so y’all don’t spill yer PBR.
REDNECKS
Hmm-mm. Ah know what y’all mean...
McFEELY
[about opening the can of chili]
Here the folks are using a can opener to get the chili out.
REDNECKS
I hear some folks have ‘lectric can openers!
McFEELY
[about dumping the chili into a sauce pan]
They surely do. Here you gotta heat up the chili. Don’t turn up the hot plate too high or the chili will stick to the pan.
REDNECKS
Can you eat it right from the can?
McFEELY
Well ya can, but it’s better warm.
[the chili is now hot. Pouring the chili into a bowl]
Now here's the important part. You can eat the chili with crackers, or pour it over the top of just about any other food.
REDNECKS
Git in mah belly!
McFEELY
In a few hours you get a bonus!
REDNECKS
Hmm!
McFEELY
Chili Farts!
REDNECKS
Be very careful, around open flames!
McFEELY
That's right.
REDNECKS
Now what needs to be done?
[about cleaning up the mess]
McFEELY
Now just throw the paper plate away and let the dog lick the pan. That’s all!
[Back to the living room, REDNECKS gets the tape.]
REDNECKS
Now when I eat chili, I'll know about some of the people who helped to make it.
McFEELY
It takes people to make practically everything, doesn't it?
REDNECKS
Yes, that's why so many people have go to work.
McFEELY
I have my speedy delivery work, and y’all do yore television programs.
REDNECKS
Yeah, that's right. Takes people to make all sorts of things.
McFEELY
Away, and at home, too. I uh, better get back to my speedy deliveries; I have more pickups and deliveries.
REDNECKS
Good, would y’all mind taking that tape back to the library?
McFEELY
I'll do it, if y’all, will, sign right here on the dotted line for the pickup and delivery. [getting clipboard out of his sack]
REDNECKS
[signing an “X”] Of course. I appreciate yore work, Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
An' I appreciate yore business.
REDNECKS
[walking with McFEELY to door] Please give my best to Mrs. McFeely.
McFEELY
I'llll do that, we'll seeee y’all around the trailer park.
REDNECKS
Thank y’all again.
McFEELY
Y’all're welcome! Speedy Delivery. [leaves with a wave]
REDNECKS
Bye. [shuts door and turns to us, stopping at the bottom of the stairs] Ain’t that interesting? Seeing how people make things like chili?
Does it feel good to learn things?
It does for me. [phone's ringing] Oh there's the phone.
[goes to the other side of the post for the phone]
Hello?
[sitting] Mr. McFeely!
Yes! Yes I'm here, hmm-mm.
Well of course! Y’all know y’all're always welcome here.
All right. Fine! Thank y’all. Bye-bye.
[to us, soon getting up] Mr. McFeely says, I just want to bring one more thing, one more thing. So he must have a surprise to bring us.
McFEELY
A Speedy Delivery surprise!
[McFEELY has a real orange flower lei around his neck and another in his hand. (At the start, the Speedy music was in background.)]
REDNECKS
--What are those?--
McFEELY
Well, when I returned the video tape to the library, I happened to stop in on a craft class, and they were making flower leis, an' they gave me this one, an' they asked me to, Speedy Delivery this one, to y’all! [REDNECKS was saying, "Hmm-hmm" and "Uh-huh" during all of this]
REDNECKS
This one's for me?
McFEELY
There y’all go. Speedy Delivery to y’all.
[REDNECKS puts it on. (Brief electric organ Hawaiian music in background.)]
REDNECKS
[smiling, holding peanut lei up] Peanuts.
McFEELY
Peanuts.
REDNECKS
[likewise with the flower lei] An' flowers.
McFEELY
An' flowers. Well, many different ways of makin' necklaces.
REDNECKS
There certainly are. Do y’all have a minute I can show y’all sumpin’.
McFEELY
I do.
[McFEELY follows him downstairs, REDNECKS is going to the bench for that magic little box.]
REDNECKS
[about the lei] Thank y’all for this.
McFEELY
Well, y’all're welcome.
REDNECKS
Boy all the things that they do at the library.
McFEELY
Many things there.
REDNECKS
I would like y’all to see this.
McFEELY
What's this?
REDNECKS
Sumpin’ that I found..
McFEELY
--Mm-mm--
REDNECKS
[turning it as before] Look at it..
[Close-up on it making different patterns as Mr. Rednecks slowly turns it this way and that.]
McFEELY
Why, it's a Moving, Picture. Ha ha!
REDNECKS
[laughs] Ha ha! Yes it is!
McFEELY
That's bootiful.
REDNECKS
I figure it is.
I keep looking at it an' seeing aaall of the different, designs that it makes..
McFEELY
No one picture is the same!
They're all different.
REDNECKS
They surely are. Just like allll of the flowers and all peanuts--
McFEELY
And all people--
REDNECKS
And all people. Do y’all figure y’all grandchildren would enjoy seeing this.
McFEELY
They would love seeing this. They're coming for a visit, [R: "Hmm-hmm"] do y’all figure I could borrow it?
REDNECKS
Of course!
McFEELY
An' I'll bring it back in a few days.
REDNECKS
All right.
McFEELY
[takes it] Speedy Delivery. A lot of surprises in this trailer park! Heh-heh-heh! [leaving]
REDNECKS
[a farewell] That's for sure. Thanks Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
Yeah, I have one more delivery, then I'm going home! Good day--
REDNECKS
Please give Mrs. McFeely my best.
McFEELY
I will. Speedy Delivery to y’all! [REDNECKS: Byeee!] Buh-bye! [he's gone]
REDNECKS
[shuts door, comes back down stairs, sits on bench] It's fun to take care, ain’t it?
As y’all grow, y’all'll find more an' more ways of taking care. Of y’allrself, and others. An' when y’all do it, it gives y’all such a good feeling.
[happy, singing] "It's such a good, feeling
To know y’all're alive
It's such a Happy feeling
Y’all're growing inside
And when y’all wake up, ready to say:
'I figure I'll make a snappy new day'
It's such a good, feeling
A very good feeling
A feeling y’all know
That, I'll be back
When the day is new
An' I'll have more, ideas
For y’all.
And y’all'll have things y’all'll want to talk about.
I
Will
Too."
[During the song, he took his slippers off again and slipped back into his boots. Then he stood, took off his plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, and tossed it on the floor. As he talks, he puts his huntin' jacket on, keeping the leis on.]
Y’all always make each day a special day.
Y’all know how?
By just y’allr being y’allrself.
Only one person in this whole world like y’all. Y’all. And people can like y’all exactly as y’all are. I'll be back next time. Bye.
[He waves and leaves, shutting the door again. He'd got the music instrument off the bench before leaving.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During credits, we see the view of the trailer park miniature starting on his trailer, then back up to a wide shot, following the little pickup left to a pole barn we zoom in on.]
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Evil of Nancy Grace
The twisted mind of Nancy Grace who dis-graces CNN Headline News has gone overboard...again.
In this instance Nancy has relentlessly grilled a grieving mother whose child was kidnapped, driving the emotionally distraught mom to take her own life.
NANCY GRACE IS DESPICABLE!!!!!!! She has no sense of humanity!
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/mother-of-missing-boy-commits-suicide/20060913143209990003?ncid=NWS00010000000001
Mother of Missing Boy Commits Suicide - AOL News
Draw your own conclusions, but Nancy Grace should be held accountable for her thoughtless actions in her attempt to boost ratings.
Nancy: The Weekly World News may have an opening for you! It's more your style.
In this instance Nancy has relentlessly grilled a grieving mother whose child was kidnapped, driving the emotionally distraught mom to take her own life.
NANCY GRACE IS DESPICABLE!!!!!!! She has no sense of humanity!
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/mother-of-missing-boy-commits-suicide/20060913143209990003?ncid=NWS00010000000001
Mother of Missing Boy Commits Suicide - AOL News
Draw your own conclusions, but Nancy Grace should be held accountable for her thoughtless actions in her attempt to boost ratings.
Nancy: The Weekly World News may have an opening for you! It's more your style.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Repair Tech Wars - -No Hope
This parody script was written by Rob K., a former co-worker. I take no credit or responsibility for its content.
REPAIR TECH WARS
Episode IV
NO HOPE
Far, far away, in a galaxy a long time ago...
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop (there are three). Highway to hell is played in the background as the following words roll across the screen.
It is a period of war. Repair Tech spaceships, striking from a hidden base; have won their first victory against the evil TRW
Empire.
During the battle, Repair Tech spies managed to steal secret plans to TRW's ultimate weapon, the Death Module, an armored air bag that deploys with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by TRWs sinister agents, Princess Layme races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save the Repair Techs and restore freedom to the galaxy...
The awesome yellow planet of Marshalline emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Repair Tech Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. A giant TRW Morale-Destroyer purses it. Hundreds of deadly laser bolts streak from the TRW Morale-Destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Repair Tech craft to disintegrate.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Jay-Eye-Em (JIM) and Em-Eye-Kay-Eee (MIKE) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are ugly and pretty useless.
Jim is a short, round looking freak. His face looks like a two-year-old baby's. Mike, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot. He has a gleaming; long, luxurious head of hair that makes him look kind of like a girl.
Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way down the corridor.
MIKE: Uh-oh! My Repair Tech training tells me they shut down the main reactor. It feels like they might have damaged the struts as well. This sucks!
Repair Tech troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. Normally, they'd aim their guns at the door, but I decided it's more fun when people fight hand-to-hand and have weapons such as chair, 2x4s, etc. Kind of like wrestling...
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
JIM: Did you say your gay? I already knew that.
MIKE: I think the Princess is pretty much screwed.
JIM: Thanks to me. I'm a pimp...and not a gay one.
Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside of the ship.
MIKE: Oh know. Sounds like the shocks are gone.
EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE.
The TRW craft has easily overtaken the Repair Tech Blockade Runner. The smaller Repair Tech ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant TRW starship.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
The nervous Repair Tech troopers aim their...2x4s. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored space suited TRW-Troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is filled with flying chairs, 2x4s, and written warnings. The deadly chairs ricochet in wild random patterns creating chaos. TRW-Troopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Chairs hit several Repair Tech soldiers who scream and stagger through the hall, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the dumb robots.
MIKE: Why do I listen to you? It's your fault I'm going to die...
JIM: You listen to me because your gay and you like my butt...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT REDNECKLAND -- DAY.
A death-white wasteland across the horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settles on a lone figure, Rick Manwalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who acts much younger than his 34 years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable lad; unfortunately this assumption is totally false.
A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on an old battered 65 Mustang... He is aided by a beat up tread-robot with six arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning.
A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Rick's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electro binoculars from his utility belt (he keeps them on hand for peeping purposes). He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired AMC Gremlin. He motions for the robot to follow him.
RICK (whining): Gees! Hurry up! Come on! What are you waiting for ya piece of crap?! I'll kill you!
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of it. Rick throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the farm boy jumps into his Gremlin leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY.
The awesome, seven-foot-tall, old and fat Dark Lord of TRW makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Battlehammer, right hand of the TRW CEO. His face is obscured by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the TRW-Troopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Repair Tech troops. Several of the Repair Tech troops break and run in a frenzied panic.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
A woman's hand puts a folded piece of paper into Jim's pants.
JIM: That's what I'm talkin' about! I am soooo not gay!
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Mike stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Jim is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Repair Tech soldiers can be heard in the distance.
MIKE: Jim! Jim, where in the hell are you at?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Mike's attention and he spots little Jim at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old...giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, oh yeah....) is kneeling in front of Jim. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting Jim's pants, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.
MIKE: You've got to be kidding me! We're under attack and your getting your groove on???
TRW-Troopers can be heard battling in the distance.
MIKE: They're heading right for us! What are we going to do now???
We'll be put away without any Internet connection for the rest of our lives!!!
Jim scoots past his friend and races down the sub hallway. Mike chases after him.
MIKE: Wait a minute! Don't leave without me!
JIM: Well, quit acting gay and get moving...MF.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- CORRIDOR
The evil Darth Battlehammer stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Repair Tech Officer by the neck as a TRW Group Leader rushes up to the Dark Lord.
GROUP LEAD: The Death Module plans are not in the main computer.
Battlehammer squeezes the neck of the Repair Tech Officer, who doesn't really seem to be bothered by the Dark Lords feeble grip.
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me where the transmissions are, jackass!
Battlehammer tries to lift the Repair Tech off his feet by his throat. It doesn't work. A couple of TRW-Troopers grab the Repair Tech by the arms, and lift. Now the Battlehammer looks cool...
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me now!
REPAIR TECH OFFICER: Dude, that outfit makes you look fat. And old. Anyhoo, we're on a diplomatic mission.
BATTLEHAMMER: Oh really? I look fat and old? Well, you look dead!
Battlehammer tries to choke the guy to death, but the Repair Tech just kind of rolls his eyes. Battlehammer grabs a gun and shoots the Repair Tech in the head.
Battlehammer tosses the dead soldier (with help from the TRW-Troopers) against the wall and turns to his troops.
BATTLEHAMMER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Princess. I want her! I mean I want her alive!
The TRW-Troopers scurry into the sub hallways.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the TRW-Troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Layme Orgasmo, a member of the Terre Haute Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger (and a bit of lust), as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching TRW-Troopers grow louder. One of the troopers sees her.
TROOPER: I see her! Get her!
Layme steps from her hiding place and kicks one of the troopers in the balls. She starts to run but is tackled from behind. The troopers inspect her inert body...most thoroughly.
TROOPER: She's a fine piece of...I mean, inform Lord Battlehammer we have a prisoner.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
Jim stops before the small hatch of an emergency life pod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash repeatedly. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped pod.
MIKE: Hey, Jim, you're not permitted in there. It's against the rules. It's stuff like that, that shows you don't have a positive attitude.
JIM: Dude, you are such an idiot...
MIKE: Don't call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of crap! Now come out before somebody sees you and we get in trouble!
JIM: First of all, I didn't call you a mindless philosopher. I called you an idiot. Second of all, you're gay. Third of all, I'm on a secret mission.
MIKE: Secret mission my ass! You are so full of it! You're always making up stuff. I'm done hanging out with you!
JIM: Dude, like I care. It's easier to get laid without you around...unless I want cyber-sex.
The sound of TRW-Troopers gets closer. Mike pees himself.
JIM: Just get in here, retard.
The lanky robot jumps into the life pod.
MIKE: I'm going to regret this. Quit touching my ass!
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: TRW MORALE-DESTROYER.
On the main view screen, the life pod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Repair Tech spacecraft.
GUNNER: There goes another one! I bet I can take it out with one shot...
CAPTAIN: Dude get over here! I found nude pictures of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet!
The gunner quickly leaves his post.
INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.
Jim and Mike look out at the receding TRW starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. Jim gets dizzy and throws up.
MIKE: That's funny; you're a wuss.
JIM: At least I'm not gay.
MIKE: (whines) Oh man, I stepped in it!
INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY
A squad of TRW-Troopers leads Princess Layme down a low-ceilinged hallway. Her hands are bound and she is goosed with an electric prod when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Battlehammer emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. When that doesn't work, he farts really loud. The girl wrinkles her nose in disgust. Several troopers gag.
LAYME: Lord Battlehammer, I should have known. Only you would take time off work to fly across the galaxy to pick up underage girls. The
HR Department will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness...unless they're sexy games. Those are okay. Anyway, the HR Department will totally ignore this issue because that is their job! You weren't on any training mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Plus, you were speeding and you don't have a TRW parking tag! Repair Tech spies beamed several transmissions to this ship.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you...or we can conduct a strip search.
LAYME: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm always up for a strip search. I'm a member of the TRW Entertainment Committee on a diplomatic mission to Terre Haute...
BATTLEHAMMER: You're a part of the Repair Tech Alliance...and a traitor. And you're stupid! Take her away!
Layme is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A TRW Team Leader turns to Battlehammer.
TEAM LEADER: Holding her isn't a good idea. You should just give her a final verbal written oral warning.
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my boss! She's my only link to finding those damn Repair Techs.
TEAM LEADER: She'll put in her two weeks notice before she tells you anything.
BATTLEHAMMER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the HR Department that all aboard were killed!
TEAM LEADER: Why? The HR Department is on our side. Why do we have to lie?
BATTLEHAMMER: It's not a lie. I'm going to kill everybody. HR just needs to know for payroll purposes.
A Group Leader approaches Battlehammer and the Team Leader. Battlehammer pats the Group Leader on the head for being obedient.
GROUP LEADER: Lord Battlehammer, the Death Module plans are not aboard this ship and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but the gunners didn't shoot it down because they found nude pics of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet.
Battlehammer turns to the Commander.
BATTLEHAMMER: Layme must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to get them. In the meantime, I demand to see these pics of Lindsey Lohan!
TEAM LEADER: Yes, sir! Can I look too?
BATTLEHAMMER: No...this is something I'll need to do in private...
EXTERIOR: SPACE.
The TRW Morale-Destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Marshalline.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT.
The two useless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the life pod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The life pod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. Jim wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side.
MIKE: How did I get into this? I really don't know. All I wanted was an extra dollar an hour. Instead, I get 38 cents and my hours changed. On top of that, I'm now running from the evil TRW Empire.
JIM: Dude, will you please shut up???
MIKE: I've got band practice in the morning. I'm meeting a girl from Pakistan on the Internet later! My life is falling apart!
JIM: Do you want me to kill you?
MIKE: Man...this place is hot...
JIM: Well, I'm not standing around here with your gay ass all day. I'm outta here!
Suddenly Jim starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Mike stops and yells at him.
MIKE: Where do you think your going?
JIM: Anywhere there isn't gayness.
MIKE: Well, I'm not going that way. The acoustics wouldn't be right for band practice. I'm going this other way. And don't' try to talk me out of it!
JIM: No problem...
MIKE: I mean it! I'm not going to follow you!
JIM: Yup...heard ya the first time...
MIKE: Don't beg me to go with you!
JIM: Wouldn't dream of it...
MIKE: Fine! Be that way! You just go ahead with your make believe missions! See if I care! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mike throws a rock at Jim and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea.
MIKE: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help.
JIM: It won't happen unless I need help not picking up any girls...
He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas.
MIKE: Man, I hate that guy. He doesn't even know the difference between a shock and a strut.
JIM: Man, I hate that guy. He's gay.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNE SEA.
Mike, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas and flips off Jim (who he can no longer see).
MIKE: That malfunctioning little turd. This is all his fault! In fact, it's everybody's fault but mine! He tricked me into going this way, but only because I'm stupid.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Mike knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.
MIKE: What's that? It looks like a giant truck. Man, I can't wait to see the shocks on that thing.
The android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.
MIKE: Over here, jerkoff! Hey, dumbass! Please, help...moron!
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SUNSET.
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Oh, wait. The mist and ominous sounds are coming from Jim's ass. Jim moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud farting noise as he goes.
JIM: Damn low-carb diet...
Jim hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he adjusts himself and continues on his way.
In the distance, a pebble tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the path. The unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a little midget jumps out and hits Jim on the head with a hammer.
JIM: Awww, sh--
Jim falls backward onto his back. Out of the rocks scurry three midgets, almost as tall as Jim. They take turns hitting Jim with the hammer, making sure he is good and knocked out. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their beady eyes can be seen. They all huddle around Jim's inert form and make him an unwilling participant to a little midget love...
TO BE CONTINUED...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The eight midgets carry Jim out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Jim and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine.
The filthy little midgets scurry like rats up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- HOLD AREA.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler and smell like midget love...oh wait, that's Jim. Jim finds a small flashlight and begins making his way around heaps of junk. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He pauses momentarily when he finds an old copy of Penthouse. After reading Forum, he continues on. As his situation appears more and more hopeless, Jim begins to cry.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- PRISON AREA.
Jim enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling (which means the ceiling is about a foot above his head). In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Bill's loadbox is among the heap. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply sit and rust. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. Jim slaps his head in frustration.
MIKE: Jim! It's you! Why do you smell like midget love?
Mike covers his nose.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge. The Sandcrawler stops at an Arby's and then continues its journey.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- DAY.
Four TRW-troopers mill about in front of the half-buried life pod that brought Jim and Mike to Marshalline. A trooper yells to a group leader some distance away.
FIRST TROOPER: Someone named Mike was in the pod. I'm certain of it!
GROUP LEADER: How do you know?
FIRST TROOPER: Well, somebody wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side of the pod.
In true TRW management fashion, the Group Leader reached his own decision...
GROUP LEADER: Okay, clearly you are correct. Somebody named Mike was in the pod and according to these tracks, they headed off to the east. But, I'm going to ignore the facts and tell you what is really going on here. "Mike is gay" could be taken a many number of ways. You are reading it wrong so therefore there is a lack of communication. In fact, I bet you are Mike!
The group leader pulls out a gun and shoots the trooper.
GROUP LEADER: Case solved! I'm going to lunch...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNES.
The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. You can hear Mike inside going "Wheee!!!"
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER.
Mike and Jim noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Jim appears to be sleeping. Mike takes his wallet before waking him.
MIKE: Midget lover! It's time to wake up!
Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men.
MECHANICAL MEN: *random mumblings*
Mike slaps Jim a couple of times to wake him up. Jim comes out of sleep mumbling something about "No...no midgets..." A dozen or so midgets make their way through the odd assortment of robots.
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
A midget starts moving toward them.
MIKE: Do you think they'll make us their midget love slaves?
JIM: Why are you asking me?
THREEPIO: Oh...I don't know. *coughmidgetlovercough*
JIM: Shut up.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- RATT HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
The midgets mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Jim and Mike, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe blockhouse.
The midgets scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. One of the midgets pauses to hump Jim's leg.
Out of the shadows of a dingy side building limps Owen Ratt, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in from years of cocaine use. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, his slump-shouldered nephew, Rick Manwalker, closely follows him. One of the vile little midgets walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language.
A female voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Rick goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard.
BERU: Rick, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Ghetto.
RICK: Quit telling me what to do! Tell him yourself!
Rick returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the midget leader.
OWEN: I have no need for a droid that can play the drums.
MIKE: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- but...I've nailed two chicks at once...
JIM: ...and a guy...
MIKE: What??? That's not true!
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands how to play XBox.
MIKE: Xbox! Sir -- My first job was playing Playstation 2...very similar to the Xbox. In fact...
OWEN: Do you speak Ghetto?
MIKE: Word up, broham. It's like a second language for
me...I used to deal crack...
OWEN: All right shut up, hippie! (turning to midget) I'll take this gay one.
MIKE: I'm not gay!
OWEN: Rick, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to give both of them a bath before dinner.
Rick: But I was going into Terre Haute Station to pick up some shocks...
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Don't make me backhand you!
Get to it!
RICK: Gees, my life sucks! Okay... the short droid and the Asian one. Well, come on, Cling Dong Chong. Let's go.
As the midgets start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Jim lets out a pathetic little whine and starts after his old friend Mike.
JIM: Miiiikkkkeee! Don't leave meeeeeee!!! Not with the midgets!
A slimy midget, who hits him in the face with a loadbox, restrains him.
Owen is negotiating with the head midget. Rick and the two robots start off for the garage. When nobody is looking, Jim picks up a rock and throws it at the Asian robot, hitting him in the head. The robot falls to the ground, bleeding from the nasty gash.
RICK: Uncle fatass...
OWEN: What?
RICK: This Asian unit is unstable. Look! It's got a big gash in its head!
OWEN: (to the head midget) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
The midget goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Jim has sneaked out of line. He farts loudly. Mike taps Rick on the shoulder.
MIKE: (pointing to Jim) Excuse me, sir, but that short, round unit is pretty useless. Whatever you do, don't buy him.
JIM: Why, you sonofabi--
RICK: Hey! Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a slave to The Man! Uncle lardbutt...
OWEN: What?
RICK: What about the short one?
JIM and MIKE: (in unison) I'm not gay!
OWEN: (to midget) What about that short one? We'll buy that one.
With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged droid-droid for Jim.
RICK: See! I do what I want!
MIKE: Uh, great. You bought a really worthless droid that isn't good at anything except bugging me. He's a first-class pain in the ass. And he's a Braves fan. How pathetic...oh, here he comes.
Owen pays off the whining midget as Rick and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
RICK: Okay, let's go get you two cleaned up.
JIM: Cool, bath time. Hey Rick, don't forget to wash my taint!
MIKE: (to Jim) You are soooo disgusting! I hope we don't have to share a bath!
JIM: If we do, just don't touch my sac.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON.
The garage is cluttered and worn and it smells like ass. Mike lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm water. Near the battered AMC Gremlin little Jim rests on a stool.
MIKE: This is awesome! It's been awhile since I've had a bath.
I've got dust in places that just aren't appropriate!
JIM: (mumbles) At least you don't smell like midget love...
Rick seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man bicycle spaceship resting in the garage. Finally Rick's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench.
RICK: I hate my life. This place sucks. I'm never gonna get out of here and I'll be stuck washing robots forever!
MIKE: Hmmm...I think you're a big whiner.
Rick glances at the battered robot. His face turns bright red with anger.
RICK: What would you know!
MIKE: Hey, don't take it personally. I'm just saying that you whine like a little bitch. I mean, you cry like a girl. I hope you're not offended.
RICK: Well...I'll let it slide this time, but if you ever say anything like that again I'll kill you.
MIKE: Whatever you say, Rick.
RICK: Uh, you can call me Sir.
MIKE: I see, sir Rick.
RICK: (snarls) Just sir.
MIKE: And I am Mike, human-cyborg relations, and this is my...ummm...acquaintence, Jim.
RICK: Hi.
JIM: Whaddup dog!
Rick grabs a sponge and begins washing Jim's naked body. Mike climbs out of the tub and begins drying himself off in front of a very disgusted Rick.
RICK: Man, Jim, you are filthy...and you smell like midget love. It looks like you boys have seen some action.
MIKE: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're not dead yet, what with the Rebellion and all.
RICK: You know of the Repair Tech Rebellion against the TRW Empire?
MIKE: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning.
RICK: No, don't follow you at all. Have you been in many battles?
MIKE: Oh yeah! All the time. I'm always kicking somebody's ass. I was kicking the hell out of some TRW troopers on the last ship we were on, but Jim insisted we run away. I wanted to stay and fight, but I couldn't let Jim wander off by himself.
JIM: You are soooo gay...
Rick struggles to remove something from between Jim's butt cheeks. He uses a large pick. That's P-I-C-K...pick.
RICK: Well, my midget love smelling friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser..?
A hidden message pops out of Jim's butt, sending Rick tumbling head over heels. He sits up and unfolds the piece of paper that has a nude picture of Layme Orgasmo. Rick looks at the paper and sees hastily scribbled words. He begins reading the message.
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope." What is this?
JIM: What's what?
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope."
MIKE: The message he pulled out of your ass! Where did it come from?
JIM: Besides my ass?
MIKE: Yes!
JIM: I have no idea. It's hard to say what else is stuck up there.
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope.
JIM: It's probably nothing important. In fact, I think it's an old message someone passed to me in class when I was younger. I think it said, "Mike is gay." I wouldn't worry about it.
The beautiful girl intrigues Rick.
RICK: this beautiful girl intrigues me. Who is she?
MIKE: How am I suppose to know??? Do I look like her pimp?
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop...
MIKE: Why do you keep reading the same part of the message over and over?
RICK: The only words I know how to read just happen to be the ones in the first couple lines of this message. It's a really lucky coincidence that they're in an order that makes since. Jim, what does the rest of the message say?
JIM: I don't remember. Go screw yourself, gay man.
MIKE: Behave yourself, Jim. You're going to get us written up.
You can trust him. He doesn't work for The Man.
JIM: I used to work for Obi-Roger Bishop. He lives here on Marshalline. It's a private message for him. And that's all I'm telling you. You're gay.
RICK: Obi-Roger Bishop? I wonder if he means old Roger Bishop?
MIKE: You know this Obi-Roger Bishop?
RICK: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Roger, but old Roger lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old slacker.
Rick gazes at the picture of the young princess for a few moments.
RICK: I wonder if she's single. It sounds like she's in trouble and is in dire need of the Rickster. Somebody read this message to me.
JIM: The restraining bolt on my head has kind of made me loopy. If you take the bolt off, I may be able to focus long enough to read the message.
Rick looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and hasn't really heard what Jim has been saying.
RICK: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small and useless to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.
Rick takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Jim's head.
RICK: Okay, here's the message.
Rick hands Jim the note. Jim quickly shoves the note back up his ass.
RICK: Well, wait a second. Why'd you do that for? Give me back the message! I want to know what it says! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!
JIM: Message? Dude, what are you talking about?
MIKE: You know exactly what he's talking about! Take that message out of your ass this minute! Don't make me go up there!
A women's voice calls out.
AUNT BERU: Rick? Rick! Get in here and eat!
Rick stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.
RICK: All right, hold your horses ya ugly spinster!
MIKE: I'm sorry, sir, but Jim is pretty much a dick.
Rick tosses Jim's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of the room.
RICK: Well, see if you can pull that message back out of his ass. I'll be back later.
MIKE: (to Jim) Why are you carrying a message around in your ass?
JIM: Long story. Do you think that Rick guy is mad?
MIKE: Oh, I think that's pretty obvious. Why, are you worried?
JIM: No...I just want to see if I can make him cry.
MIKE: You are such an idiot...
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA.
Rick's Aunt Beru fills a container with some malt liquor (King Cobra maybe?) She puts the pitcher on a tray with some cocoa pebbles and heads for the dining area.
Rick is already at the table with his uncle.
RICK: You know, I think Jim might have been kidnapped.
OWEN: Well, duh! That's why we got him so cheap!
RICK: Well, I stumbled across a message while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Roger Bishop.
Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of the name and backhands Beru out of general principle. She goes flying out of her chair.
BERU: OUCH!!! Son-of-a-bit--
RICK: I thought he might have meant old Roger. Do you know who he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Roger.
Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger and throws a fork at Beru. It sticks in her forehead.
BERU: The pain!!! Oh, the pain!!!
OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old slacker. Tomorrow I want you to
take Jim into Givinhead and have his memory flushed. That'll be the end of all that crap he's been spewing. He belongs to us now.
RICK: But what if this Obi-Roger comes looking for him?
OWEN: He won't, I don't think he's alive any more. He died around the same time as your father.
RICK: He knew my father?
OWEN: Oookkkkaaayyyy...what in the hell did I just say that makes you think he knew your father? Because he died around the same time as your father? Hell, I guess maybe your father knew everybody that just happened to die around the same time as him. I tell you what, boy; when you want to be stupid you sure do go all out! In the morning I want Jim and Mike on the south ridge working on those condensers.
RICK: Whatever...jerk. I think Jim and Mike are going to work out fine.
In fact, I was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to TRW this year.
Owen's face becomes a scowl and he kicks Beru in the shin.
BERU: That's it...I've had enough.
OWEN: Do you mean the next semester before harvest?
RICK: Sure, there're more than enough droids...and besides, we don't even live on a farm ya crazy bastard!!!
OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most, Rick. Just one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to kill you and hire someone to take your spot. And then you can go to TRW next year.
RICK: Did you say kill me?
OWEN: What? No...no...of course not.
Rick continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle.
OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Rick.
RICK: Only because all the drug dealers won't sell to you.
OWEN: It's only one more season.
Rick pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.
RICK: Yeah, and that would make sense if we lived on a farm.
AUNT BERU: Where do you think you're going?
RICK: It looks like I'm not going anywhere because I have to harvest a crop we don't have. I have to finish cleaning Jim.
Resigned to his fate, Rick runs out of the room crying. Owen pulls out a small bag of coke.
AUNT BERU: Owen, I don't want him to stay here forever. Let's just kick him out. He's just a waste of space.
OWEN: Yeah, but we get a tax break for claiming his as a dependant. Extra cash means extra meth.
AUNT BERU: Rick's just not a farmer, Owen. Corn surrounds our home and he thinks we have nothing to harvest. He has too much of his father's stupidity in him.
OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of...that and a sudden shortage of crack.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
The giant twin suns (they look like big, golden boobs) of Marshalline slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Rick stands watching them for a few moments, smokes a joint, and then reenters the homestead.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE.
Rick enters the garage, but doesn't see the robots anywhere. Rick removes a small loadbox from his utility belt. He presses a button on the loadbox, sending an electrical shock through Mike who was hiding behind the AMC Gremlin.
RICK: What are you doing hiding there? Were you going to molest me?
Mike stumbles forward, but Jim is still nowhere to be seen.
MIKE: It wasn't my fault! It's all Jim! Please don't kill me! I told him not to go, but he's stubborn and stupid; kept babbling on about his mission.
RICK: Oh, no!
MIKE: I know! It's horrible!
RICK: I forgot to save a lot of money on my car insurance with Geico!
Rick races out of the garage followed by Mike.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
Rick rushes outside and searches the horizon for Jim. Mike slowly follows him.
MIKE: Jim has always been a problem. He's a self-centered, egotistical, obnoxious twerp. And he's a Braves fan...yuck!
RICK: How could I be so stupid? It must be genetic. Crap! We'll never find him!
MIKE: Shouldn't we go after him?
RICK: Okay...one time for the cheap seats...WE'LL NEVER FIND HIM!!! Besides, it's too dangerous with all the White Trash People around.
Owen yells to Rick that he's shutting the power down for the night.
OWEN: Rick, I'm shutting the power down for the night.
Told ya.
RICK: Go screw yourself! I hate you! WHAAAAA!!!
Rick scans the horizon again, checks behind a rock, and digs into the sand a few inches, but he can't find Jim anywhere.
RICK: You know, Jim is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
MIKE: I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen so I really don't give a crap what kind of trouble you're in.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA.
The next morning, Rick's crack head of an uncle walks outside and begins looking for him. He pops a couple of ludes and calls out for Rick because Rick is carrying the rest of his stash.
OWEN: Rick? Rick? Rick? Where is that little bastard?
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN.
Aunt Beru is in the kitchen preparing the morning meal: eggs topped with finely cut cocaine, ham and bennies, and milk with some powdered morphine.
OWEN: Have you seen Rick this morning?
AUNT BERU: He said he wanted to run into town and get a whore before he got started today.
OWEN: Huh? Isn't Rick gay?
AUNT BERU: I think so.
OWEN: Hmmmm...he must've been talkin' about getting him a man-whore. Oh well, as long as he's out workin' in the field before lunch I really don't give a damn what he does.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- RICK'S GREMLIN -- DAY.
Mike is driving the ultra cool AMC Gremlin and the desert flies by in a blur...a very, very slow blur. In fact, Mike drives like an old woman. Rick looks impatient.
Rick leans over the back of the seat and grabs a couple of beers. He hands one to Mike.
RICK: Want a cold one?
Mike pops open the beer and sips it with his pinky pointing out. Rick rolls his eyes in disgust.
RICK: Old Roger Bishop lives out this way somewhere, but surely little fatass Jim didn't make it all the way here. We must have missed him. Uncle Owen Methface is going to kill me.
MIKE: Just lie to him.
RICK: That's a good idea! I could tell him it was all your fault! He'll probably trade you for some weed...
MIKE: On second thought, you should just tell him the truth. If he finds out you lied he'll probably make you stop whining, and I don't think you could handle that.
RICK: Hey, I think I see Jim up ahead of us. Maybe I'll just run him over...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK MESA -- DUNE SEA -- COASTLINE -- DAY.
From a rock mesa, a couple of White Trash people are watching the AMC Gremlin speed across the landscape. One of the White Trash People sets his beer to the side and aims his rifle. The other White Trash Person grabs the rife and stops him from shooting.
WHITE TRASH 1: Why in tarnation are you stoppin' me from shootin' them thar city folk?
WHITE TRASH 2: Cause ye might hurt the purty auto mobile they's is driven. If we can sneaks up on em, we can kill em deader then a rat at a snake's birthday party and keep the car for ourselves!
The first White Trash Person seems to like the idea and celebrates by smashing a beer can on his head. The White Trash People disappear into the rocks.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALINE -- ROCK MESA -- CANYON.
The White Trash People approach thier huge Ford trucks. The trucks are raised way up high with monster tires and lights mounted on the top of the hood. Some Hank Jr. blares from the radio as the White Trash Person starts the truck. The White Trash People leave the small, secluded valley in a cloud of dust.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR.
The AMC Gremlin is parked. Rick, with a baseball bat slung over his shoulder, stands in front of Jim.
RICK: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
JIM: Where ever I want, biiiaaatttch.
MIKE: Dude, you're going to get us into trouble. I don't know who this Obi-Roger Bishop guy is, but I think you just need to give up on reuniting with your old boyfriends. If you keep it up, Rick is going to kick your ass.
RICK: Ummm...yeah, that's right! Anyway, it's getting late. I bet Uncle "I Would Sell My Soul For An Ounce" isn't going to be too happy.
MIKE: I think we should just kill Jim and dump him off behind one of these rocks.
RICK: No, we need him to clean the toilets back at the house.
JIM: HOLY CRAP!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!
RICK: What's wrong with you?
JIM: There's White Trash People heading towards us from the southeast!
RICK: How do you know that?
JIM: We're downwind from them...
Rick swings his bat into position.
RICK: Cool! It's ass whoopin time! Let's go see what they're up to. They're probably just scavenging for an old couch or something...
TO BE CONTINUED....
REPAIR TECH WARS
Episode IV
NO HOPE
Far, far away, in a galaxy a long time ago...
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop (there are three). Highway to hell is played in the background as the following words roll across the screen.
It is a period of war. Repair Tech spaceships, striking from a hidden base; have won their first victory against the evil TRW
Empire.
During the battle, Repair Tech spies managed to steal secret plans to TRW's ultimate weapon, the Death Module, an armored air bag that deploys with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by TRWs sinister agents, Princess Layme races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save the Repair Techs and restore freedom to the galaxy...
The awesome yellow planet of Marshalline emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Repair Tech Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. A giant TRW Morale-Destroyer purses it. Hundreds of deadly laser bolts streak from the TRW Morale-Destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Repair Tech craft to disintegrate.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Jay-Eye-Em (JIM) and Em-Eye-Kay-Eee (MIKE) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are ugly and pretty useless.
Jim is a short, round looking freak. His face looks like a two-year-old baby's. Mike, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot. He has a gleaming; long, luxurious head of hair that makes him look kind of like a girl.
Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way down the corridor.
MIKE: Uh-oh! My Repair Tech training tells me they shut down the main reactor. It feels like they might have damaged the struts as well. This sucks!
Repair Tech troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. Normally, they'd aim their guns at the door, but I decided it's more fun when people fight hand-to-hand and have weapons such as chair, 2x4s, etc. Kind of like wrestling...
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
JIM: Did you say your gay? I already knew that.
MIKE: I think the Princess is pretty much screwed.
JIM: Thanks to me. I'm a pimp...and not a gay one.
Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside of the ship.
MIKE: Oh know. Sounds like the shocks are gone.
EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE.
The TRW craft has easily overtaken the Repair Tech Blockade Runner. The smaller Repair Tech ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant TRW starship.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
The nervous Repair Tech troopers aim their...2x4s. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored space suited TRW-Troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is filled with flying chairs, 2x4s, and written warnings. The deadly chairs ricochet in wild random patterns creating chaos. TRW-Troopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Chairs hit several Repair Tech soldiers who scream and stagger through the hall, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the dumb robots.
MIKE: Why do I listen to you? It's your fault I'm going to die...
JIM: You listen to me because your gay and you like my butt...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT REDNECKLAND -- DAY.
A death-white wasteland across the horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settles on a lone figure, Rick Manwalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who acts much younger than his 34 years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable lad; unfortunately this assumption is totally false.
A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on an old battered 65 Mustang... He is aided by a beat up tread-robot with six arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning.
A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Rick's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electro binoculars from his utility belt (he keeps them on hand for peeping purposes). He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired AMC Gremlin. He motions for the robot to follow him.
RICK (whining): Gees! Hurry up! Come on! What are you waiting for ya piece of crap?! I'll kill you!
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of it. Rick throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the farm boy jumps into his Gremlin leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY.
The awesome, seven-foot-tall, old and fat Dark Lord of TRW makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Battlehammer, right hand of the TRW CEO. His face is obscured by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the TRW-Troopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Repair Tech troops. Several of the Repair Tech troops break and run in a frenzied panic.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
A woman's hand puts a folded piece of paper into Jim's pants.
JIM: That's what I'm talkin' about! I am soooo not gay!
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Mike stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Jim is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Repair Tech soldiers can be heard in the distance.
MIKE: Jim! Jim, where in the hell are you at?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Mike's attention and he spots little Jim at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old...giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, oh yeah....) is kneeling in front of Jim. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting Jim's pants, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.
MIKE: You've got to be kidding me! We're under attack and your getting your groove on???
TRW-Troopers can be heard battling in the distance.
MIKE: They're heading right for us! What are we going to do now???
We'll be put away without any Internet connection for the rest of our lives!!!
Jim scoots past his friend and races down the sub hallway. Mike chases after him.
MIKE: Wait a minute! Don't leave without me!
JIM: Well, quit acting gay and get moving...MF.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- CORRIDOR
The evil Darth Battlehammer stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Repair Tech Officer by the neck as a TRW Group Leader rushes up to the Dark Lord.
GROUP LEAD: The Death Module plans are not in the main computer.
Battlehammer squeezes the neck of the Repair Tech Officer, who doesn't really seem to be bothered by the Dark Lords feeble grip.
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me where the transmissions are, jackass!
Battlehammer tries to lift the Repair Tech off his feet by his throat. It doesn't work. A couple of TRW-Troopers grab the Repair Tech by the arms, and lift. Now the Battlehammer looks cool...
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me now!
REPAIR TECH OFFICER: Dude, that outfit makes you look fat. And old. Anyhoo, we're on a diplomatic mission.
BATTLEHAMMER: Oh really? I look fat and old? Well, you look dead!
Battlehammer tries to choke the guy to death, but the Repair Tech just kind of rolls his eyes. Battlehammer grabs a gun and shoots the Repair Tech in the head.
Battlehammer tosses the dead soldier (with help from the TRW-Troopers) against the wall and turns to his troops.
BATTLEHAMMER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Princess. I want her! I mean I want her alive!
The TRW-Troopers scurry into the sub hallways.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the TRW-Troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Layme Orgasmo, a member of the Terre Haute Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger (and a bit of lust), as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching TRW-Troopers grow louder. One of the troopers sees her.
TROOPER: I see her! Get her!
Layme steps from her hiding place and kicks one of the troopers in the balls. She starts to run but is tackled from behind. The troopers inspect her inert body...most thoroughly.
TROOPER: She's a fine piece of...I mean, inform Lord Battlehammer we have a prisoner.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
Jim stops before the small hatch of an emergency life pod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash repeatedly. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped pod.
MIKE: Hey, Jim, you're not permitted in there. It's against the rules. It's stuff like that, that shows you don't have a positive attitude.
JIM: Dude, you are such an idiot...
MIKE: Don't call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of crap! Now come out before somebody sees you and we get in trouble!
JIM: First of all, I didn't call you a mindless philosopher. I called you an idiot. Second of all, you're gay. Third of all, I'm on a secret mission.
MIKE: Secret mission my ass! You are so full of it! You're always making up stuff. I'm done hanging out with you!
JIM: Dude, like I care. It's easier to get laid without you around...unless I want cyber-sex.
The sound of TRW-Troopers gets closer. Mike pees himself.
JIM: Just get in here, retard.
The lanky robot jumps into the life pod.
MIKE: I'm going to regret this. Quit touching my ass!
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: TRW MORALE-DESTROYER.
On the main view screen, the life pod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Repair Tech spacecraft.
GUNNER: There goes another one! I bet I can take it out with one shot...
CAPTAIN: Dude get over here! I found nude pictures of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet!
The gunner quickly leaves his post.
INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.
Jim and Mike look out at the receding TRW starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. Jim gets dizzy and throws up.
MIKE: That's funny; you're a wuss.
JIM: At least I'm not gay.
MIKE: (whines) Oh man, I stepped in it!
INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY
A squad of TRW-Troopers leads Princess Layme down a low-ceilinged hallway. Her hands are bound and she is goosed with an electric prod when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Battlehammer emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. When that doesn't work, he farts really loud. The girl wrinkles her nose in disgust. Several troopers gag.
LAYME: Lord Battlehammer, I should have known. Only you would take time off work to fly across the galaxy to pick up underage girls. The
HR Department will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness...unless they're sexy games. Those are okay. Anyway, the HR Department will totally ignore this issue because that is their job! You weren't on any training mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Plus, you were speeding and you don't have a TRW parking tag! Repair Tech spies beamed several transmissions to this ship.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you...or we can conduct a strip search.
LAYME: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm always up for a strip search. I'm a member of the TRW Entertainment Committee on a diplomatic mission to Terre Haute...
BATTLEHAMMER: You're a part of the Repair Tech Alliance...and a traitor. And you're stupid! Take her away!
Layme is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A TRW Team Leader turns to Battlehammer.
TEAM LEADER: Holding her isn't a good idea. You should just give her a final verbal written oral warning.
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my boss! She's my only link to finding those damn Repair Techs.
TEAM LEADER: She'll put in her two weeks notice before she tells you anything.
BATTLEHAMMER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the HR Department that all aboard were killed!
TEAM LEADER: Why? The HR Department is on our side. Why do we have to lie?
BATTLEHAMMER: It's not a lie. I'm going to kill everybody. HR just needs to know for payroll purposes.
A Group Leader approaches Battlehammer and the Team Leader. Battlehammer pats the Group Leader on the head for being obedient.
GROUP LEADER: Lord Battlehammer, the Death Module plans are not aboard this ship and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but the gunners didn't shoot it down because they found nude pics of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet.
Battlehammer turns to the Commander.
BATTLEHAMMER: Layme must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to get them. In the meantime, I demand to see these pics of Lindsey Lohan!
TEAM LEADER: Yes, sir! Can I look too?
BATTLEHAMMER: No...this is something I'll need to do in private...
EXTERIOR: SPACE.
The TRW Morale-Destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Marshalline.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT.
The two useless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the life pod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The life pod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. Jim wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side.
MIKE: How did I get into this? I really don't know. All I wanted was an extra dollar an hour. Instead, I get 38 cents and my hours changed. On top of that, I'm now running from the evil TRW Empire.
JIM: Dude, will you please shut up???
MIKE: I've got band practice in the morning. I'm meeting a girl from Pakistan on the Internet later! My life is falling apart!
JIM: Do you want me to kill you?
MIKE: Man...this place is hot...
JIM: Well, I'm not standing around here with your gay ass all day. I'm outta here!
Suddenly Jim starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Mike stops and yells at him.
MIKE: Where do you think your going?
JIM: Anywhere there isn't gayness.
MIKE: Well, I'm not going that way. The acoustics wouldn't be right for band practice. I'm going this other way. And don't' try to talk me out of it!
JIM: No problem...
MIKE: I mean it! I'm not going to follow you!
JIM: Yup...heard ya the first time...
MIKE: Don't beg me to go with you!
JIM: Wouldn't dream of it...
MIKE: Fine! Be that way! You just go ahead with your make believe missions! See if I care! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mike throws a rock at Jim and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea.
MIKE: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help.
JIM: It won't happen unless I need help not picking up any girls...
He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas.
MIKE: Man, I hate that guy. He doesn't even know the difference between a shock and a strut.
JIM: Man, I hate that guy. He's gay.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNE SEA.
Mike, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas and flips off Jim (who he can no longer see).
MIKE: That malfunctioning little turd. This is all his fault! In fact, it's everybody's fault but mine! He tricked me into going this way, but only because I'm stupid.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Mike knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.
MIKE: What's that? It looks like a giant truck. Man, I can't wait to see the shocks on that thing.
The android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.
MIKE: Over here, jerkoff! Hey, dumbass! Please, help...moron!
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SUNSET.
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Oh, wait. The mist and ominous sounds are coming from Jim's ass. Jim moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud farting noise as he goes.
JIM: Damn low-carb diet...
Jim hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he adjusts himself and continues on his way.
In the distance, a pebble tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the path. The unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a little midget jumps out and hits Jim on the head with a hammer.
JIM: Awww, sh--
Jim falls backward onto his back. Out of the rocks scurry three midgets, almost as tall as Jim. They take turns hitting Jim with the hammer, making sure he is good and knocked out. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their beady eyes can be seen. They all huddle around Jim's inert form and make him an unwilling participant to a little midget love...
TO BE CONTINUED...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The eight midgets carry Jim out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Jim and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine.
The filthy little midgets scurry like rats up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- HOLD AREA.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler and smell like midget love...oh wait, that's Jim. Jim finds a small flashlight and begins making his way around heaps of junk. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He pauses momentarily when he finds an old copy of Penthouse. After reading Forum, he continues on. As his situation appears more and more hopeless, Jim begins to cry.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- PRISON AREA.
Jim enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling (which means the ceiling is about a foot above his head). In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Bill's loadbox is among the heap. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply sit and rust. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. Jim slaps his head in frustration.
MIKE: Jim! It's you! Why do you smell like midget love?
Mike covers his nose.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge. The Sandcrawler stops at an Arby's and then continues its journey.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- DAY.
Four TRW-troopers mill about in front of the half-buried life pod that brought Jim and Mike to Marshalline. A trooper yells to a group leader some distance away.
FIRST TROOPER: Someone named Mike was in the pod. I'm certain of it!
GROUP LEADER: How do you know?
FIRST TROOPER: Well, somebody wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side of the pod.
In true TRW management fashion, the Group Leader reached his own decision...
GROUP LEADER: Okay, clearly you are correct. Somebody named Mike was in the pod and according to these tracks, they headed off to the east. But, I'm going to ignore the facts and tell you what is really going on here. "Mike is gay" could be taken a many number of ways. You are reading it wrong so therefore there is a lack of communication. In fact, I bet you are Mike!
The group leader pulls out a gun and shoots the trooper.
GROUP LEADER: Case solved! I'm going to lunch...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNES.
The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. You can hear Mike inside going "Wheee!!!"
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER.
Mike and Jim noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Jim appears to be sleeping. Mike takes his wallet before waking him.
MIKE: Midget lover! It's time to wake up!
Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men.
MECHANICAL MEN: *random mumblings*
Mike slaps Jim a couple of times to wake him up. Jim comes out of sleep mumbling something about "No...no midgets..." A dozen or so midgets make their way through the odd assortment of robots.
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
A midget starts moving toward them.
MIKE: Do you think they'll make us their midget love slaves?
JIM: Why are you asking me?
THREEPIO: Oh...I don't know. *coughmidgetlovercough*
JIM: Shut up.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- RATT HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
The midgets mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Jim and Mike, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe blockhouse.
The midgets scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. One of the midgets pauses to hump Jim's leg.
Out of the shadows of a dingy side building limps Owen Ratt, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in from years of cocaine use. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, his slump-shouldered nephew, Rick Manwalker, closely follows him. One of the vile little midgets walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language.
A female voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Rick goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard.
BERU: Rick, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Ghetto.
RICK: Quit telling me what to do! Tell him yourself!
Rick returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the midget leader.
OWEN: I have no need for a droid that can play the drums.
MIKE: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- but...I've nailed two chicks at once...
JIM: ...and a guy...
MIKE: What??? That's not true!
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands how to play XBox.
MIKE: Xbox! Sir -- My first job was playing Playstation 2...very similar to the Xbox. In fact...
OWEN: Do you speak Ghetto?
MIKE: Word up, broham. It's like a second language for
me...I used to deal crack...
OWEN: All right shut up, hippie! (turning to midget) I'll take this gay one.
MIKE: I'm not gay!
OWEN: Rick, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to give both of them a bath before dinner.
Rick: But I was going into Terre Haute Station to pick up some shocks...
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Don't make me backhand you!
Get to it!
RICK: Gees, my life sucks! Okay... the short droid and the Asian one. Well, come on, Cling Dong Chong. Let's go.
As the midgets start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Jim lets out a pathetic little whine and starts after his old friend Mike.
JIM: Miiiikkkkeee! Don't leave meeeeeee!!! Not with the midgets!
A slimy midget, who hits him in the face with a loadbox, restrains him.
Owen is negotiating with the head midget. Rick and the two robots start off for the garage. When nobody is looking, Jim picks up a rock and throws it at the Asian robot, hitting him in the head. The robot falls to the ground, bleeding from the nasty gash.
RICK: Uncle fatass...
OWEN: What?
RICK: This Asian unit is unstable. Look! It's got a big gash in its head!
OWEN: (to the head midget) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
The midget goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Jim has sneaked out of line. He farts loudly. Mike taps Rick on the shoulder.
MIKE: (pointing to Jim) Excuse me, sir, but that short, round unit is pretty useless. Whatever you do, don't buy him.
JIM: Why, you sonofabi--
RICK: Hey! Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a slave to The Man! Uncle lardbutt...
OWEN: What?
RICK: What about the short one?
JIM and MIKE: (in unison) I'm not gay!
OWEN: (to midget) What about that short one? We'll buy that one.
With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged droid-droid for Jim.
RICK: See! I do what I want!
MIKE: Uh, great. You bought a really worthless droid that isn't good at anything except bugging me. He's a first-class pain in the ass. And he's a Braves fan. How pathetic...oh, here he comes.
Owen pays off the whining midget as Rick and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
RICK: Okay, let's go get you two cleaned up.
JIM: Cool, bath time. Hey Rick, don't forget to wash my taint!
MIKE: (to Jim) You are soooo disgusting! I hope we don't have to share a bath!
JIM: If we do, just don't touch my sac.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON.
The garage is cluttered and worn and it smells like ass. Mike lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm water. Near the battered AMC Gremlin little Jim rests on a stool.
MIKE: This is awesome! It's been awhile since I've had a bath.
I've got dust in places that just aren't appropriate!
JIM: (mumbles) At least you don't smell like midget love...
Rick seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man bicycle spaceship resting in the garage. Finally Rick's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench.
RICK: I hate my life. This place sucks. I'm never gonna get out of here and I'll be stuck washing robots forever!
MIKE: Hmmm...I think you're a big whiner.
Rick glances at the battered robot. His face turns bright red with anger.
RICK: What would you know!
MIKE: Hey, don't take it personally. I'm just saying that you whine like a little bitch. I mean, you cry like a girl. I hope you're not offended.
RICK: Well...I'll let it slide this time, but if you ever say anything like that again I'll kill you.
MIKE: Whatever you say, Rick.
RICK: Uh, you can call me Sir.
MIKE: I see, sir Rick.
RICK: (snarls) Just sir.
MIKE: And I am Mike, human-cyborg relations, and this is my...ummm...acquaintence, Jim.
RICK: Hi.
JIM: Whaddup dog!
Rick grabs a sponge and begins washing Jim's naked body. Mike climbs out of the tub and begins drying himself off in front of a very disgusted Rick.
RICK: Man, Jim, you are filthy...and you smell like midget love. It looks like you boys have seen some action.
MIKE: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're not dead yet, what with the Rebellion and all.
RICK: You know of the Repair Tech Rebellion against the TRW Empire?
MIKE: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning.
RICK: No, don't follow you at all. Have you been in many battles?
MIKE: Oh yeah! All the time. I'm always kicking somebody's ass. I was kicking the hell out of some TRW troopers on the last ship we were on, but Jim insisted we run away. I wanted to stay and fight, but I couldn't let Jim wander off by himself.
JIM: You are soooo gay...
Rick struggles to remove something from between Jim's butt cheeks. He uses a large pick. That's P-I-C-K...pick.
RICK: Well, my midget love smelling friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser..?
A hidden message pops out of Jim's butt, sending Rick tumbling head over heels. He sits up and unfolds the piece of paper that has a nude picture of Layme Orgasmo. Rick looks at the paper and sees hastily scribbled words. He begins reading the message.
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope." What is this?
JIM: What's what?
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope."
MIKE: The message he pulled out of your ass! Where did it come from?
JIM: Besides my ass?
MIKE: Yes!
JIM: I have no idea. It's hard to say what else is stuck up there.
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope.
JIM: It's probably nothing important. In fact, I think it's an old message someone passed to me in class when I was younger. I think it said, "Mike is gay." I wouldn't worry about it.
The beautiful girl intrigues Rick.
RICK: this beautiful girl intrigues me. Who is she?
MIKE: How am I suppose to know??? Do I look like her pimp?
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop...
MIKE: Why do you keep reading the same part of the message over and over?
RICK: The only words I know how to read just happen to be the ones in the first couple lines of this message. It's a really lucky coincidence that they're in an order that makes since. Jim, what does the rest of the message say?
JIM: I don't remember. Go screw yourself, gay man.
MIKE: Behave yourself, Jim. You're going to get us written up.
You can trust him. He doesn't work for The Man.
JIM: I used to work for Obi-Roger Bishop. He lives here on Marshalline. It's a private message for him. And that's all I'm telling you. You're gay.
RICK: Obi-Roger Bishop? I wonder if he means old Roger Bishop?
MIKE: You know this Obi-Roger Bishop?
RICK: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Roger, but old Roger lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old slacker.
Rick gazes at the picture of the young princess for a few moments.
RICK: I wonder if she's single. It sounds like she's in trouble and is in dire need of the Rickster. Somebody read this message to me.
JIM: The restraining bolt on my head has kind of made me loopy. If you take the bolt off, I may be able to focus long enough to read the message.
Rick looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and hasn't really heard what Jim has been saying.
RICK: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small and useless to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.
Rick takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Jim's head.
RICK: Okay, here's the message.
Rick hands Jim the note. Jim quickly shoves the note back up his ass.
RICK: Well, wait a second. Why'd you do that for? Give me back the message! I want to know what it says! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!
JIM: Message? Dude, what are you talking about?
MIKE: You know exactly what he's talking about! Take that message out of your ass this minute! Don't make me go up there!
A women's voice calls out.
AUNT BERU: Rick? Rick! Get in here and eat!
Rick stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.
RICK: All right, hold your horses ya ugly spinster!
MIKE: I'm sorry, sir, but Jim is pretty much a dick.
Rick tosses Jim's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of the room.
RICK: Well, see if you can pull that message back out of his ass. I'll be back later.
MIKE: (to Jim) Why are you carrying a message around in your ass?
JIM: Long story. Do you think that Rick guy is mad?
MIKE: Oh, I think that's pretty obvious. Why, are you worried?
JIM: No...I just want to see if I can make him cry.
MIKE: You are such an idiot...
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA.
Rick's Aunt Beru fills a container with some malt liquor (King Cobra maybe?) She puts the pitcher on a tray with some cocoa pebbles and heads for the dining area.
Rick is already at the table with his uncle.
RICK: You know, I think Jim might have been kidnapped.
OWEN: Well, duh! That's why we got him so cheap!
RICK: Well, I stumbled across a message while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Roger Bishop.
Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of the name and backhands Beru out of general principle. She goes flying out of her chair.
BERU: OUCH!!! Son-of-a-bit--
RICK: I thought he might have meant old Roger. Do you know who he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Roger.
Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger and throws a fork at Beru. It sticks in her forehead.
BERU: The pain!!! Oh, the pain!!!
OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old slacker. Tomorrow I want you to
take Jim into Givinhead and have his memory flushed. That'll be the end of all that crap he's been spewing. He belongs to us now.
RICK: But what if this Obi-Roger comes looking for him?
OWEN: He won't, I don't think he's alive any more. He died around the same time as your father.
RICK: He knew my father?
OWEN: Oookkkkaaayyyy...what in the hell did I just say that makes you think he knew your father? Because he died around the same time as your father? Hell, I guess maybe your father knew everybody that just happened to die around the same time as him. I tell you what, boy; when you want to be stupid you sure do go all out! In the morning I want Jim and Mike on the south ridge working on those condensers.
RICK: Whatever...jerk. I think Jim and Mike are going to work out fine.
In fact, I was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to TRW this year.
Owen's face becomes a scowl and he kicks Beru in the shin.
BERU: That's it...I've had enough.
OWEN: Do you mean the next semester before harvest?
RICK: Sure, there're more than enough droids...and besides, we don't even live on a farm ya crazy bastard!!!
OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most, Rick. Just one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to kill you and hire someone to take your spot. And then you can go to TRW next year.
RICK: Did you say kill me?
OWEN: What? No...no...of course not.
Rick continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle.
OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Rick.
RICK: Only because all the drug dealers won't sell to you.
OWEN: It's only one more season.
Rick pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.
RICK: Yeah, and that would make sense if we lived on a farm.
AUNT BERU: Where do you think you're going?
RICK: It looks like I'm not going anywhere because I have to harvest a crop we don't have. I have to finish cleaning Jim.
Resigned to his fate, Rick runs out of the room crying. Owen pulls out a small bag of coke.
AUNT BERU: Owen, I don't want him to stay here forever. Let's just kick him out. He's just a waste of space.
OWEN: Yeah, but we get a tax break for claiming his as a dependant. Extra cash means extra meth.
AUNT BERU: Rick's just not a farmer, Owen. Corn surrounds our home and he thinks we have nothing to harvest. He has too much of his father's stupidity in him.
OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of...that and a sudden shortage of crack.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
The giant twin suns (they look like big, golden boobs) of Marshalline slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Rick stands watching them for a few moments, smokes a joint, and then reenters the homestead.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE.
Rick enters the garage, but doesn't see the robots anywhere. Rick removes a small loadbox from his utility belt. He presses a button on the loadbox, sending an electrical shock through Mike who was hiding behind the AMC Gremlin.
RICK: What are you doing hiding there? Were you going to molest me?
Mike stumbles forward, but Jim is still nowhere to be seen.
MIKE: It wasn't my fault! It's all Jim! Please don't kill me! I told him not to go, but he's stubborn and stupid; kept babbling on about his mission.
RICK: Oh, no!
MIKE: I know! It's horrible!
RICK: I forgot to save a lot of money on my car insurance with Geico!
Rick races out of the garage followed by Mike.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
Rick rushes outside and searches the horizon for Jim. Mike slowly follows him.
MIKE: Jim has always been a problem. He's a self-centered, egotistical, obnoxious twerp. And he's a Braves fan...yuck!
RICK: How could I be so stupid? It must be genetic. Crap! We'll never find him!
MIKE: Shouldn't we go after him?
RICK: Okay...one time for the cheap seats...WE'LL NEVER FIND HIM!!! Besides, it's too dangerous with all the White Trash People around.
Owen yells to Rick that he's shutting the power down for the night.
OWEN: Rick, I'm shutting the power down for the night.
Told ya.
RICK: Go screw yourself! I hate you! WHAAAAA!!!
Rick scans the horizon again, checks behind a rock, and digs into the sand a few inches, but he can't find Jim anywhere.
RICK: You know, Jim is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
MIKE: I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen so I really don't give a crap what kind of trouble you're in.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA.
The next morning, Rick's crack head of an uncle walks outside and begins looking for him. He pops a couple of ludes and calls out for Rick because Rick is carrying the rest of his stash.
OWEN: Rick? Rick? Rick? Where is that little bastard?
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN.
Aunt Beru is in the kitchen preparing the morning meal: eggs topped with finely cut cocaine, ham and bennies, and milk with some powdered morphine.
OWEN: Have you seen Rick this morning?
AUNT BERU: He said he wanted to run into town and get a whore before he got started today.
OWEN: Huh? Isn't Rick gay?
AUNT BERU: I think so.
OWEN: Hmmmm...he must've been talkin' about getting him a man-whore. Oh well, as long as he's out workin' in the field before lunch I really don't give a damn what he does.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- RICK'S GREMLIN -- DAY.
Mike is driving the ultra cool AMC Gremlin and the desert flies by in a blur...a very, very slow blur. In fact, Mike drives like an old woman. Rick looks impatient.
Rick leans over the back of the seat and grabs a couple of beers. He hands one to Mike.
RICK: Want a cold one?
Mike pops open the beer and sips it with his pinky pointing out. Rick rolls his eyes in disgust.
RICK: Old Roger Bishop lives out this way somewhere, but surely little fatass Jim didn't make it all the way here. We must have missed him. Uncle Owen Methface is going to kill me.
MIKE: Just lie to him.
RICK: That's a good idea! I could tell him it was all your fault! He'll probably trade you for some weed...
MIKE: On second thought, you should just tell him the truth. If he finds out you lied he'll probably make you stop whining, and I don't think you could handle that.
RICK: Hey, I think I see Jim up ahead of us. Maybe I'll just run him over...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK MESA -- DUNE SEA -- COASTLINE -- DAY.
From a rock mesa, a couple of White Trash people are watching the AMC Gremlin speed across the landscape. One of the White Trash People sets his beer to the side and aims his rifle. The other White Trash Person grabs the rife and stops him from shooting.
WHITE TRASH 1: Why in tarnation are you stoppin' me from shootin' them thar city folk?
WHITE TRASH 2: Cause ye might hurt the purty auto mobile they's is driven. If we can sneaks up on em, we can kill em deader then a rat at a snake's birthday party and keep the car for ourselves!
The first White Trash Person seems to like the idea and celebrates by smashing a beer can on his head. The White Trash People disappear into the rocks.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALINE -- ROCK MESA -- CANYON.
The White Trash People approach thier huge Ford trucks. The trucks are raised way up high with monster tires and lights mounted on the top of the hood. Some Hank Jr. blares from the radio as the White Trash Person starts the truck. The White Trash People leave the small, secluded valley in a cloud of dust.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR.
The AMC Gremlin is parked. Rick, with a baseball bat slung over his shoulder, stands in front of Jim.
RICK: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
JIM: Where ever I want, biiiaaatttch.
MIKE: Dude, you're going to get us into trouble. I don't know who this Obi-Roger Bishop guy is, but I think you just need to give up on reuniting with your old boyfriends. If you keep it up, Rick is going to kick your ass.
RICK: Ummm...yeah, that's right! Anyway, it's getting late. I bet Uncle "I Would Sell My Soul For An Ounce" isn't going to be too happy.
MIKE: I think we should just kill Jim and dump him off behind one of these rocks.
RICK: No, we need him to clean the toilets back at the house.
JIM: HOLY CRAP!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!
RICK: What's wrong with you?
JIM: There's White Trash People heading towards us from the southeast!
RICK: How do you know that?
JIM: We're downwind from them...
Rick swings his bat into position.
RICK: Cool! It's ass whoopin time! Let's go see what they're up to. They're probably just scavenging for an old couch or something...
TO BE CONTINUED....
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Da Vinci Code uproar...
The Mohammed/ Da Vinci Code...
Seems like everyone who said "Muslims can't take a joke" when the cartoons depicting Mohammed appeared in Danish Newspapers are now up in arms over Dan Brown's book turned film "The Da Vinci Code".
Many Christian leaders want their flocks to boycott the movie The Da Vinci Code. They worry the movie contains highly questionable themes about the Christian faith. They say The Da Vinci Code contends that Jesus isn't God and that Mary Magdalene is the face in the Last Supper painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
A theology professor said, "The thing that upsets people is that Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code Author) claims Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married."
Whoa. Hang on. Jesus isn't God? I'm not an expert, or even a religious person; but isn't the Christian faith based on Jesus being the "SON" of God? Hmm. And who but Leonardo himself can confirm or deny whom the female figure is in the painting of "The Last Supper"? According to the Bible, Jesus was about 33 years old when he was crucified. It's ridiculous and just plain ignorant to believe that a 33-year-old man went his whole life WITHOUT having some sort of female companionship.
Besides, it's only a movie. Can't anyone take a damn joke??
Seems like everyone who said "Muslims can't take a joke" when the cartoons depicting Mohammed appeared in Danish Newspapers are now up in arms over Dan Brown's book turned film "The Da Vinci Code".
Many Christian leaders want their flocks to boycott the movie The Da Vinci Code. They worry the movie contains highly questionable themes about the Christian faith. They say The Da Vinci Code contends that Jesus isn't God and that Mary Magdalene is the face in the Last Supper painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
A theology professor said, "The thing that upsets people is that Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code Author) claims Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married."
Whoa. Hang on. Jesus isn't God? I'm not an expert, or even a religious person; but isn't the Christian faith based on Jesus being the "SON" of God? Hmm. And who but Leonardo himself can confirm or deny whom the female figure is in the painting of "The Last Supper"? According to the Bible, Jesus was about 33 years old when he was crucified. It's ridiculous and just plain ignorant to believe that a 33-year-old man went his whole life WITHOUT having some sort of female companionship.
Besides, it's only a movie. Can't anyone take a damn joke??
Monday, March 13, 2006
Television Commercials...
You know, there's some pretty good TV commercials on the air these days, some that make you think, some that make you laugh, and some that make you want to jump up out of your easy chair and go buy their product.
Then there are those "other" adverts. The one's that make you say "WTF??"
Case in point:
Companies that make an expensive commercial so you feel good about them and their product. Just tonight I saw a commercial from Boeing, the airplane folks. Seriously, how many people saw that tonight and said, "Damn. I gotta get me a Boeing. It's way cooler than an Airbus." Or at the ticket counter: "The plane is a Boeing, isn't it?"
Another one that gets me wondering how stockholders put up with stupid corporate expenditures is The American Plastics Council. That commercial puts it all into perspective; I just learned how important plastic is in my life. And just when I was thinking about cutting back on my personal plastic consumption... Ooh, waitaminute! Plastic is made from--you guessed it: OIL! That's why it costs so much for gas, in my plastic bodied auto(an un-named GM car made in Tennessee).
Don't forget BASF. You know, "We don't make a lot of the products you buy...We make a lot of the products you buy BETTER!"
Ok, so how is this information valuable to me, the consumer? Shhh, here comes another commercial...
Then there are those "other" adverts. The one's that make you say "WTF??"
Case in point:
Companies that make an expensive commercial so you feel good about them and their product. Just tonight I saw a commercial from Boeing, the airplane folks. Seriously, how many people saw that tonight and said, "Damn. I gotta get me a Boeing. It's way cooler than an Airbus." Or at the ticket counter: "The plane is a Boeing, isn't it?"
Another one that gets me wondering how stockholders put up with stupid corporate expenditures is The American Plastics Council. That commercial puts it all into perspective; I just learned how important plastic is in my life. And just when I was thinking about cutting back on my personal plastic consumption... Ooh, waitaminute! Plastic is made from--you guessed it: OIL! That's why it costs so much for gas, in my plastic bodied auto(an un-named GM car made in Tennessee).
Don't forget BASF. You know, "We don't make a lot of the products you buy...We make a lot of the products you buy BETTER!"
Ok, so how is this information valuable to me, the consumer? Shhh, here comes another commercial...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Repair Tech Wars: Episode 3.5.1
REPAIR TECH WARS: EPISODE 3.5.1- REVENGE OF THE DARK TECH:
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT
STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.
DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.
HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.
DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.
LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.
M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.
DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
DALE
Yup.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.
TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!
EXT. UTAPAU
ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
ROGER shoots it.
GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.
Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.
HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.
HENRY
No, go your room.
HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.
HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
DALE
I could blow.
HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.
DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?
HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.
HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.
DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.
EXT. UTAPAU
DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
DALE
Execute order 666.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
DALE
Oh, and order 667.
CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.
They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.
DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. M.'S APARTMENT
ROGER arrives to talk to M.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.
M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
M.
(collapsing)
Urk!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.
DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.
ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.
FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT
STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.
DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.
HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.
DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.
LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.
M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.
DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
DALE
Yup.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.
TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!
EXT. UTAPAU
ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
ROGER shoots it.
GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.
Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.
HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.
HENRY
No, go your room.
HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.
HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
DALE
I could blow.
HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.
DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?
HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.
HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.
DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.
EXT. UTAPAU
DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
DALE
Execute order 666.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
DALE
Oh, and order 667.
CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.
They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.
DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. M.'S APARTMENT
ROGER arrives to talk to M.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.
M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
M.
(collapsing)
Urk!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.
DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.
ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.
FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Dick and Beer...
I guess it has come to light that the Veep had a beer with lunch before going hunting with Whittington on that Texas ranch.
Beer and hunting is like drinking and driving. It's dangerous as hell, but people do it all the time. Myself, I like to drink beer while using a table saw. LOL
I don't suppose Mr. Cheney (I will refer to him henceforth as "Dick") would settle for a domestic light beer since he wasn't shooting a Remington or similar American firearm. What sort of beer goes well with a fine Italian Perazzi shotgun? Birra Moretti or Pabst Blue Ribbon?
Think about this: What if the other guy had shot Dick? The Dickster would be plucking out some birdshot whilst Whittington bleeds out onto the prairie from Secret Service gunshot wounds...
Beer and hunting is like drinking and driving. It's dangerous as hell, but people do it all the time. Myself, I like to drink beer while using a table saw. LOL
I don't suppose Mr. Cheney (I will refer to him henceforth as "Dick") would settle for a domestic light beer since he wasn't shooting a Remington or similar American firearm. What sort of beer goes well with a fine Italian Perazzi shotgun? Birra Moretti or Pabst Blue Ribbon?
Think about this: What if the other guy had shot Dick? The Dickster would be plucking out some birdshot whilst Whittington bleeds out onto the prairie from Secret Service gunshot wounds...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Cartoons aren't funny in Danish papers...
Angry rioters in Pakistan torch a KFC, Pizza Hut, and many locally owned shops, while shouting "Death To America"...
All (supposedly) over some cartoons in a Danish Newspaper.
I don't get it. I don't think they are angry. Not at all. I think they just like to go crazy and burn shit.
Really, now. Denmark is an awful long way from downtown Islamabad. Why burn your neighbors' car and your distant cousins' produce shop because of something from Denmark? Do they even know where Denmark is? Probably not, because these rioters must believe that Dallas is somewhere near Denmark. Maybe I'm the ignorant one because I didn't know that Pizza Hut and KFC were headquartered in Copenhagen...
And WTF about this "Death to America" business. Granted we're not the most popular country in the world, but our political cartoons usually have Bush and Cheney acting like Beavis and Butthead, not slapping religions in the face.
Now about these cartoons. I don't know who the artist is, and I don't care. He's not an American that I know of, I can only assume he's a Dane. I saw all of the cartoons, and most of them were not funny or maybe I just didn't get the joke. OK, I admit I got a short laugh out of two of them. Still, I don't think they were appropriate for print. On the other hand, can't anyone take a joke??
Would it be more fair if the someone were to draw some cartoons of other religous figures and dieties? You know, equal opportunity caricatures.
Maybe a drawing of Jesus walking on water looking for his golf ball. Oops, already been done. "Christians riot over depictions that Jesus would even hit his ball into the hazard..."
How about this one: Draw the Pope as a Nazi. Damn, it. Somebody did that one, too. He was a Hitler Youth, you know.
Jews have long been the joke of political cartoons. I don't hear them crying "Death To America".
Budda goes on a diet in another cartoon. Hey, I haven't seen that one yet! I could be on to something...
Now everyone is boycotting Denmark's products. C'mon, be mature. An artist and a newspaper are the only guilty parties. I'm not going to boycott Denmark. As a matter of fact, I had a danish this morning for breakfast...
All (supposedly) over some cartoons in a Danish Newspaper.
I don't get it. I don't think they are angry. Not at all. I think they just like to go crazy and burn shit.
Really, now. Denmark is an awful long way from downtown Islamabad. Why burn your neighbors' car and your distant cousins' produce shop because of something from Denmark? Do they even know where Denmark is? Probably not, because these rioters must believe that Dallas is somewhere near Denmark. Maybe I'm the ignorant one because I didn't know that Pizza Hut and KFC were headquartered in Copenhagen...
And WTF about this "Death to America" business. Granted we're not the most popular country in the world, but our political cartoons usually have Bush and Cheney acting like Beavis and Butthead, not slapping religions in the face.
Now about these cartoons. I don't know who the artist is, and I don't care. He's not an American that I know of, I can only assume he's a Dane. I saw all of the cartoons, and most of them were not funny or maybe I just didn't get the joke. OK, I admit I got a short laugh out of two of them. Still, I don't think they were appropriate for print. On the other hand, can't anyone take a joke??
Would it be more fair if the someone were to draw some cartoons of other religous figures and dieties? You know, equal opportunity caricatures.
Maybe a drawing of Jesus walking on water looking for his golf ball. Oops, already been done. "Christians riot over depictions that Jesus would even hit his ball into the hazard..."
How about this one: Draw the Pope as a Nazi. Damn, it. Somebody did that one, too. He was a Hitler Youth, you know.
Jews have long been the joke of political cartoons. I don't hear them crying "Death To America".
Budda goes on a diet in another cartoon. Hey, I haven't seen that one yet! I could be on to something...
Now everyone is boycotting Denmark's products. C'mon, be mature. An artist and a newspaper are the only guilty parties. I'm not going to boycott Denmark. As a matter of fact, I had a danish this morning for breakfast...
Monday, February 13, 2006
In the News...
CNN's Headline News...and Nancy Grace.
WTF is a Court TV sensationalist doing on Headline News? When Nancy Grace came to HLN a while back, I was hoping that it would be short lived, and the "Headline Prime" programming would be no more. But here we are, months later and Nancy Dis-Grace is still putting her spin on court cases and missing persons incidents...
She proved her ineptness when she had all but convicted "The Runaway Bride"'s fiancee of murdering and hiding her body when the truth came out, she was found in the southwest, apparently there of her own accord.
I rate Nancy Dis-Grace in the same league of journalism as print media's "The Weekly World News". No, I would rather read that rag instead of watching Nancy Dis-Grace trying to influence prospective jurors.
Attorney: "Have you heard about this case is the news?"
Juror: "I did see something on Nancy Grace about it."
Attorney: "Dismissed."
Wow. The best way to get out of jury duty!
Back to my soapbox. One reason I am so outspoken about Her Dis-Gracefullness is I am a part of a captive audience, I work evening shift and HLN is on the cafeteria TV's.
So here we are, real news is happening right now, and the network that is supposed to bring it to us has a blonde (no disrespect to blondes in general) cow on there freaking out because no one has found Natalee Holloway yet. (I hope they do find her and put a bullet in the responsible parties skull)
Speaking of bullets, Our V.P., Dick Cheney is shooting his friends down in Texas and Nancy is too busy with her shit to mention it...
Do you remember the movie "Bedazzled" with Brendan Frazier and Elizabeth Hurley? I'm thinking of the part when she hands 'Elliot' her card and all that is printed on it is"THE DEVIL". That should be Nancy Dis-Grace's calling card. LOL
The next alert I'd like to see on Headling Prime: Nancy Grace Missing Day 15. Hmm. Can't be missing if nobody misses you...
WTF is a Court TV sensationalist doing on Headline News? When Nancy Grace came to HLN a while back, I was hoping that it would be short lived, and the "Headline Prime" programming would be no more. But here we are, months later and Nancy Dis-Grace is still putting her spin on court cases and missing persons incidents...
She proved her ineptness when she had all but convicted "The Runaway Bride"'s fiancee of murdering and hiding her body when the truth came out, she was found in the southwest, apparently there of her own accord.
I rate Nancy Dis-Grace in the same league of journalism as print media's "The Weekly World News". No, I would rather read that rag instead of watching Nancy Dis-Grace trying to influence prospective jurors.
Attorney: "Have you heard about this case is the news?"
Juror: "I did see something on Nancy Grace about it."
Attorney: "Dismissed."
Wow. The best way to get out of jury duty!
Back to my soapbox. One reason I am so outspoken about Her Dis-Gracefullness is I am a part of a captive audience, I work evening shift and HLN is on the cafeteria TV's.
So here we are, real news is happening right now, and the network that is supposed to bring it to us has a blonde (no disrespect to blondes in general) cow on there freaking out because no one has found Natalee Holloway yet. (I hope they do find her and put a bullet in the responsible parties skull)
Speaking of bullets, Our V.P., Dick Cheney is shooting his friends down in Texas and Nancy is too busy with her shit to mention it...
Do you remember the movie "Bedazzled" with Brendan Frazier and Elizabeth Hurley? I'm thinking of the part when she hands 'Elliot' her card and all that is printed on it is"THE DEVIL". That should be Nancy Dis-Grace's calling card. LOL
The next alert I'd like to see on Headling Prime: Nancy Grace Missing Day 15. Hmm. Can't be missing if nobody misses you...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Repair TechBusters
THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Starring:
Lawson as “Egon Spengler”
Frank as “Peter Venkman”
Henry as “Winston Zeddmore”
Roger as “Ray Stantz”
Timmay as “Slimer”
Plus other familiar names, but any resemblance to actual Repair Techs or other employees is purely coincidental. “This is a parody!”
FADE IN:
EXT 2nd STREET - FACTORY
Nothing unusual about it. We just keep hearing this
CRASHING and BANGING from somewhere. PAN from the factory
back across the street. A CROWD (seen more or less in
silhouette) stands outside wooden barricades, looking at
something we can't yet see. PUSH IN as the SOUNDS grow.
CLOSE - BARRICADE
And there, painted dead-center on the sawhorse-type
barricade, is a Schematic Drawing of a Transistor inside a red circle with a
slash diagonally through it: The Symbol of the Repair TechBusters.
PHIL (OS)
(agonizing)
What are they doing in there?
ANGLE - PHIL, MATT
PHIL, a tall, middle aged man with poor posture, stands with MATT, a
few members of the CROWD, all wearing blue smocks visible in BG.
They stand on the other side of the barricade, looking with anguish at the
source of the disturbance. SFX CONTINUE.
MATT
It'll be all right, Phil. I'm sure the
Repair TechBusters know what they're doing.
OVERSHOULDER SHOT - PHIL, MATT, FACTORY
Matt recoils in horror as we PUSH IN to
increased sounds of devastation from within the factory.
FRANK (VO)
That's it -- we've got 'em now.
INT FACTORY - WIDE ANGLE
Where our four intrepid Repair TechBusters - FRANK, ROGER,
LAWSON and HENRY stand amid the debris, High Powered
Barcode Scanners in-hand, an impressive sight. They'd be a lot more
impressive if they weren't surrounded by about thirty or so
Metro carts, circling them, looking ready to do severe damage to the
Repair TechBusters.
FRANK
(to the unseen ghosts)
Okay, guys, give it up. You've had
your fun, scared a few folks, but we
don't scare. We eat ghosts like you
for breakfast.
HENRY
Uh, we don’t really eat them for breakfast…do we?
UPSHOT - ROGER
Summoning up his bravado, the circling metro carts visible
in BG.
ROGER
Frank's right! You haven't got a
chance! So go ahead -- take your best shot!
ANGLE - FRANK, LAWSON, HENRY
Who, as one, wince at this.
LAWSON/ HENRY/ FRANK
(as one)
Oh, Shit . . .
GHOST VOICES
(chorus, heavy reverb)
If you insist!
(maniacal laughter)
UPSHOT – METRO CARTS
Shooting straight TOWARD CAMERA.
ANGLE - WORKBENCH
Under which the Repair TechBusters dive en_masse to avoid the
hailstorm of Metro carts crashing down all around them to
TREMENDOUS CRASHES AND BANGS.
UNDER WORKBENCH -
Where the four huddle, some holding their ears. CRASH!
BASH! SMASH! Frank gives Roger a withering look.
FRANK
(forced pleasantness)
Good thinking, Roger. I like that. But
somehow, I don't think you'll get
an Applause Dollar this week.
EXT FACTORY - CROWD
Where Phil and Matt stand with the crowd in BG as we
HEAR more CRASHING AND BASHING from OS.
PHIL
What noise! You think we should go in
and help?
Then: an OS CRASH OF BREAKING GLASS. An instant later, a
METRO CART rockets THROUGH FRAME, hitting a tree so hard it
goes right THROUGH IT, before hitting the ground so hard it
buries itself in the cement. JOE looks to Phil.
JOE
In a word . . . no.
ANGLE - LAWSON
Huddled under the workbench, BASHES all around, as he pulls out
the FLUKE meter. Its display zeros. Lawson shakes it a few times
then it FLASHES and BEEPS rapidly.
LAWSON
This is it! Voltage level approaching
maximum. We should get a visible force
five manifestation any -- second -- NOW!
UPSHOT - CEILING
With a FLASH! there appear five or six GHOSTS -- various
grotesque forms floating around in the air. They are not
critical to the remainder of the story, so they can be just
about any design. They cavort, spin, whirl, and zoom.
GHOST CHORUS
(whoops, cackles, etc.)
(heavy reverb)
HENRY (OS)
Now's our chance! Let's get 'em!
WIDE - INCLUDES CEILING, WORKBENCH
As the Repair TechBusters emerge from cover, raise their high powered
bar code scanners, and squeeze the triggers! Shaky flat laser beams
SHOOT OUT toward the circling ghosts.
MEDIUM - GHOSTS
As they are caught in the four-pointed scanner beams
that hit and HOLD them in a field of dancing lasers.
ROGER (OS)
That's it! Careful now! Easy! Easy!
WIDE - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As the trapped ghosts are lowered toward the Techto-trap.
HENRY
Okay, they're in position! Opening the
trap -- NOW!
DOWNSHOT - THE TRAP
The small doors open, and a beam of black light
shoots out.
WIDEN - INCLUDES ALL
The beam of black light from the trap catches the ghosts, and in a whirlwind
of EFX, yanks them into the trap. Its doors close. All quiet.
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, FRANK
As Frank brushes some dust from his smock, eminently pleased.
FRANK
Hey, piece of cake! Told you this'd be
an easy one!
WIDEN
PULLING BACK as the Repair TechBusters head out of the factory
REVEALING that the place is an utter shambles.
ROGER
Yeah, but someone’s gonna have a
lot of 5-S ’ing to do!
EXT FACTORY
As the Repair TechBusters emerge, triumphant, to the SHOUTS of
approbation from the CROWD. A smiling Henry nudges Lawson.
HENRY
I think they like us!
Lawson eyes the crowd with cool scientific aplomb.
LAWSON
I don't know -- it could be a trap.
Henry, rolling his eyes at the ever-cautious Lawson,
grabs his hand and holds it up with his own two, waving to
the crowd, taking it all in. Lawson looks like he wishes
he were reading his fantasy novel.
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE - TECHTO 1 FLASHING BEACON
PULL BACK from the strobing light to reveal the Techto 1 racing
its way through busy streets, traffic parting before it like
the Red Sea. The Repair TechBusters are inside, Roger driving.
ROGER (VO)
Boy, will I be glad to get home. I'm exhausted. OCM is never this tough!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the Techto 1 races AWAY FROM CAMERA OVER:
HENRY (VO)
Yeah! Home -- to some peace and quiet, so I can surf the net.
ROGER
Look! There goes Brian heading home early again!
CUT TO:
INT REPAIR TECHBUSTERS HQ - BLACK SCREEN
Nothing. Darkness. HOLD for a BEAT, under a CRUNCHING
noise. Then the garage door angles open. The Repair TechBusters
stand silhouetted against the bright light outside.
FRANK
Peace and quiet, eh?
REVERSE - GARAGE/OFFICES
Where a line of partly-eaten food extends the length of the
HQ, to where Timmay sits, munching. A frazzled looking
HAROLD stands nearby, arms folded, unhappy. Timmay, on the
other hand, only looks up for a moment, then chugs Pepsi from a 2-liter.
HAROLD
(frustrated)
I tried to stop him. You guys don't
need a receptionist, you need a baby
sitter! A whole damn platoon of 'em!
ON FRANK
Not looking at all happy.
FRANK
(end of his rope)
Timmay . . . ! You ate my lunch! …AND MY SUPPER!!
ON TIMMAY
Who REACTS with trepidation and leaps into the air, doing a
double-somersault before diving through a crack in the floor
boards and disappearing.
ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, LAWSON, HENRY
As they survey the damage.
FRANK
Just let me blast him. Once. Is that
really so much to ask?
LAWSON
Not yet. We haven't finished testing
him yet. He's the only ghost we’ve found who has
no techto-plasm in his cranial cavity -- we can't let the
opportunity for science pass us by.
ON ROGER
Who smiles in that way of his.
ROGER
Besides -- I'm teaching him how to fetch!
ANGLE - FLOORBOARDS
As Timmay's hand comes back through the floorboards and tries
to drag a chicken leg through after him -- without success.
Frank's FEET stomp THROUGH SCENE.
FRANK (VO)
Science -- I love it. Well, come on,
let's get these little nasties put
away.
PLOOP! The chicken leg is yanked through the floorboards.
INT - BASEMENT
Where the Repair TechBusters come down the stairs into the basement
area where the Thermotron containment unit squats, big, blue, and impressive.
ANGLE - WALL THERMOTRON CONTAINMENT UNIT
As the Repair TechBusters ENTER FRAME and stop in front of the unit.
ON FRANK, HENRY
Frank holds up the trap. It RATTLES, and there are SNARLS
and GRUMBLES from within it. He pushes it toward Henry.
FRANK
Okay, Henry, it's your turn.
HENRY
My turn? It's your turn. I fed Timmay
Tuesday, remember? We traded.
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Lawson sighs and comes between them, taking the trap.
LAWSON
(a sigh)
Never mind, I'll do it.
CLOSE - FRANK, HENRY
They lean toward one another conspiratorially.
FRANK
Works every time.
ON LAWSON
As he opens the Thermotron containment unit door, inserting the trap. He turns
the large mechanical oven dial from “ICE AGE” to “HOT AS HELL”.
LAWSON
I don't understand what you're afraid
of. Just because it blew up once
doesn't mean it'll blow up again, right?
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As, behind Lawson, they all take one big step backward kind
of like a Busby Berkeley chorus line, saying:
HENRY/ FRANK/ ROGER
Right…
Lawson pulls the lever that moves the ghosts into the Thermotron
containment unit. The others plug their ears, fearing the worst.
ON LAWSON
Nodding, satisfied, as the Thermotron containment unit does its thing.
LAWSON
There. Now that they're safely inside
the Thermotron containment unit, they won't be
bothering anybody for a long, long time.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
Roger, Henry and Frank step, smiling, back to where
they had been a moment earlier, and Lawson turns to face
them.
LAWSON
Now we can take a break. Nancy Grace is about to come on.
FRANK/ ROGER/ HENRY
(In unison) YAY!!!
WIPE TO:
INT NEW FACTORY ADDITION
Still under construction. PAN the length of it. At the
largest, most complete end, there are large machines
with Japanese writing on them, recently unloaded from wooden crates.
Further on, it's a little more primitive, wires and cables
dangling from overhead conduits. More unopened wooden crates
can be seen here. A florescent light fixture blinks erratically.
INT CONSTRUCTION AREA
Where some WORKMEN hammer nails into the walls and others install new ESD floor tiles.
CAMERA LINGERS and PUSHES IN on two WORKMEN, each examining a
layout of the growing factory addition. Then:
THIRD WORKMAN (OS)
Hey, Bob! Come take a look at this!
Holding up a finger to mark his place in the discussion, the
First Workman heads off toward the sound of the voice,
picking up a Nextel as he enters-
NEW CONSTRUCTION AREA
Where a painters tarp has been just pushed away to REVEAL,
in the flickering light, a large wooden crate.
A very, very old crate, with strange markings and an
odd, mouth-like aperture surrounded by weird hieroglyphics.
FIRST WORKMAN
What is it?
CLOSE - MARKINGS, APERTURE
Looking very strange, very Lovecraftian in the flickering light.
FIRST WORKMAN (OVER)
Beats me. Hey, lookit all that weird
writing. What d'you think it means?
TWO-SHOT - FIRST, THIRD WORKMAN
And neither of them says the following:
VOICE FROM CRATE (OS)
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!
FIRST WORKMAN
Hey, good guess. How do you know?
THIRD WORKMAN
Who, me? I didn't say anything.
They suddenly REACT (PLEASE, don't overdo it!) to the sight
CLOSE - THE CRATE - APERTURE
The mouth-like aperture is moving, shaping the words:
CRATE VOICE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As the Third Workman backpedals a step or two.
THIRD WORKMAN
Maybe -- maybe we ought to do like it says. It is about
time for a smoke break…
FIRST WORKMAN
Are you nuts? We've got an factory
addition to finish. We're not gonna stop
just 'cause some fuckin’ crate says so!
(calling on the Nextel)
Okay, move that crate, and get that wall finished! Let's go!
Together, the two head OS as a fork lift ENTERS FRAME and
starts toward the crate.
REVERSE ANGLE
As the First and Second Workmen head AWAY FROM CAMERA.
FIRST WORKMAN
There, see? You just hafta learn how
to take charge, how to give orders.
Then, suddenly, from where they just left, there's a
tremendous BLAST! They spin around to see-
WIDE - THE CRATE
The lid from the wooden crate – blasts into the air--
and from within, there's a swirling
miasma of light and mist and glittering hellfire that churns
out, getting bigger and bigger by the second, filling the
construction area like a horizontal tornado, throwing the fork
lift back the way it came. Grinning fireballs -- the
loosed spirits, creatures, and so on -- come shooting out.
ON FIRST, SECOND WORKMAN
Ducking the onslaught of energy, fury, and grinning fireballs
that rush all around them, heading out into the room.
FIRST WORKMAN
. . . Oops. RUN FOR IT!!!
They do.
WIDE – FACTORY ADDITION
The entire complement of Workmen scatter everywhichway as the
building is filled with the escaping spirits.
WORKMEN
(General panic & confusion) [More than usual]
ANGLE – FACTORY ADDITION
As two fireballs exit the construction area, the shoot toward Flex 327,
and skate rapidly up the line, and branching out into the other
lines. Other fireballs do the same.
WIDE - BREEZEWAY
Where several lines meet. The Fireballs ENTER
FRAME riding one set of conveyors, and as they arrive at the
breezeway, split off, each following a different line.
INT CAFETERIA
Where a few frazzled PRODUCTION WORKERS stand in a
Line, ordering greasy substances that vaguely look like food.
ANGLE DOWN to the breezway. A skating fireball zips TOWARD
the steam table, and HITS!
ANGLE - THE STEAM TABLE - FRONT
Momentarily glows with energy that crackles along its metal
skin. Then, for a BEAT, nothing happens. Then the sunny
side up eggs in one container begin to sizzle and the yolks -- become like
eyes. They seems to smile -- and it's not a pretty sight.
ANGLE – CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
EMPLOYEES run hysterically out of the cafeteria, large blobs of
unrecognizable food taking monstrous shapes behind them. A
creature dripping grease and tomato sauce grabs an EMPLOYEE.
EMPLOYEE
Aaghh! This is my last clean smock!
EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE- DOORS
The MAN AND WOMAN barely manage to dive out through the still
open doors, smiling in relief.
MAN
Made it! Boy, are we lucky!
SLAM! The doors close -- and they look suspiciously like a
huge maw (or fist) closing.
FLEX LINE
Odd-form insertion machine -- its usual motion is suddenly
halted, then the robotic arm spins like a top and the Plexiglas
wall around it shatters. And the sound it makes is like a scream.
ANGLE - FRONT OF FORKLIFT
Heading straight FOR CAMERA, as wisps of spirit-trails begin
to surround it, the forklift leaves a trail of techto-plasm.
Just as it seems about to pulverize the CAMERA we…
CUT TO:
EXT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE
Where some EMPLOYEES come barrelling out of the entrance to
the factory, chased by any number of four, six, and eight
legged ghosties. The EMPLOYEES are exiting the building about
as fast as they normally would… at quitting time.
EMPLOYEES
(screams & shouts)
CAMERA ANGLES UP -- and there, in the distance, is
Repair TechBuster HQ.
INT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HEADQUARTERS
Where Frank lays back on his bunk, looking content.
FRANK
(contented sigh)
Now -- to get some rest! Flex 2 has been driving me nuts!
INT HAROLD'S STATION
He hangs up the phone and slams his hand down on the alarm.
HAROLD
Okay, let's ROLL!
SIRENS blare! CLAXONS sound! RED LIGHTS glare! TOILETS flush!
UPSHOT - FIRE POLE
Lickety-split, Roger, Henry, and Lawson slide down the
pole. PAN QUICKLY UP.
ANGLE - FRANK'S BUNK
As Frank crawls with utter despair out of his bunk.
FRANK
It's a conspiracy. I know it. Just like my solder test…
EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ
As the door slides up, and Techto 1 races out and away from the
Repair TechBusters HQ.
WIPE TO:
INT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE
The bottom of the steps, where – Hot Air Jets in hand -- Roger,
Frank and Henry move cautiously to the bottom. PULL
BACK TO REVEAL that the factory has changed -- a lot. Layers
of Techtoplasmic slime drip from everything in sight, jagged
stalactites and stalagmites jut out from odd angles, and a
thin mist hangs over everything. In a very short while, this
place has gone all to hell. The Repair TechBusters look around,
taking this all in.
FRANK
Very nice. Looks a little like
your workbench, Roger.
ANGLE - ROGER, HENRY, FRANK
Looking up as HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER fills the building. They
look around nervously. The laughter stops. Then, suddenly
Roger stops, holds up a hand.
ROGER
Listen! Do you hear -- footsteps?
A BEAT. Yeah, there are footsteps, all right. Suddenly,
Lawson ENTERS FRAME behind them.
LAWSON
Hi, guys.
FRANK / ROGER / HENRY
YAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
WIDEN
As the others spin toward Lawson, weapons drawn, then relax.
HENRY
Geez, Lawson -- how many times do we have
to tell you -- don't do that!
ROGER
So what's up? What did you find out?
ON LAWSON
Consulting his FLUKE meter, he attaches what
looks like a bar code scanner to it, scanning with it as he speaks.
LAWSON
I spoke with a guy from TBM. He
says that whatever's happening, it's
spreading throughout the factory. He’s
worried how long it will take them to
clean the floors after it’s over
I think if it isn't stopped soon, it will spread
to Farmington Hills, then the whole
company will be in chaos.
ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, HENRY
Roger is amazed, fascinated by this. Frank, DURING THE
FOLLOWING, notices something OS that gets his attention.
ROGER
That's amazing! I mean, we're not just
talking simple haunting here. This is
classic transformation. It's like the
whole place itself is becoming evil,
coming alive…
HENRY
Or like a major corporate restructuring. But
now what? Maybe we ought to . . . .
On this, Frank slips away, heading toward what's been
taking up his attention.
OVERSHOULDER SHOT - FRANK
Heading toward a figure in the mist: from behind, it seems to
be a bartender, cleaning glasses with a towel. He stands
behind what appears to be a long wooden bar
as Frank comes from behind.
FRANK
Ah, excuse me, bartender?
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Frank comes up behind the figure, his back still to CAMERA.
FRANK (cont'd)
(a come-on)
I hate to bother you, but maybe you'd
happen to have Newcastle Brown Ale on tap.
I’d like a pint and some hot wings also.
Suddenly, the figure turns -- and we SEE that this is a
skeleton, not a bartender. The skull-face
widens in a HYSTERICAL LAUGH. If the thing expects this to
have any effect on Frank, it doesn't. He leans forward,
looks at the thing's teeth.
FRANK
(just a tad nervously)
Say, now, ah . . when was the last
time you saw your dentist? Hmm?
And what about that beer?
With a ROAR, the thing disappears, fades out, the bar and
glasses wisp away in an ethereal mist. Suddenly, he looks OS to
an approaching, clanking ROAR from somewhere down the line.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As the other Repair TechBusters join him, a
BURN-IN CART, looking fairly normal, if slimed, makes its
appearance. It pulls up, slowing to a stop before them.
A status tag on the cart says “Ready for Burn-In”.
HENRY
It's a Burn cart.
ROGER
Yeah, looks like it.
LAWSON
But I thought the burn chambers had stopped running.
FRANK
Damn. I was really in the mood for a beer…
Then just as it appeared, BURN-IN CART starts to move again
and heads toward the Burn-In chambers. The Repair TechBusters
Follow the cart cautiously to the Burn-In chambers.
WHOOSH! The chamber doors open up right in front of them.
The cart ENTERS. The doors slide shut again. And the seam where the
doors join . . . disappears.
INT FACTORY- BURN-IN AREA
The burn chambers start running their temperature cycles.
The place is amazingly dreary looking –
dark, oppressive. Lawson pulls a floor plan out of his
jacket pocket and examines it.
LAWSON
This could be very helpful. From what
I've been able to figure out, the
center of the disturbance is not
far from here. As a matter of fact, I
think it may be in the new construction
area for the Super Duper Cell, Flex 256!
FRANK
Terrific! Listen, I'm going to go
take a whiz…be right back.
Frank goes to one of the doors that used to say “MEN” but
it now has some strange symbols on the door.
ANGLE - FRANK, DOOR
The door opens -- and the former restroom is filled with
walking skeletons, group leaders, ghosts of all sorts. They cram
into the door, standing, not moving, implying that all of
the urinals just may be taken. Frank takes it all in for a BEAT,
then looks over his shoulder at his companions.
FRANK
On second thought, I think I can
hold it a little while longer.
EXT PARKING LOT
EMPLOYEES congregating in their designated evacuation
areas, milling about the otherwise quiet parking lot,
down which we SEE a bunch of manhole covers in a row -- and
suddenly, one after another, they're BLOWN right off the
street and into the air as the SOUND of battle below rages,
blasts of high powered bar code scanners and ghost-wisps
BLAMMING! through the open manholes with each explosion.
The Employees look on, wide-eyed, as the disturbance moves
from one manhole cover to the next, heading around the corner
of the factory.
INT FACTORY – FINAL ASSEMBLY AREA
Looking very much like the area we just left, only even more
dark, slimy, deteriorated and otherwise yucked-up.
Silence. Then: a sound from down the hallway. A rumbling.
MOVE TOWARD IT. It FILLS THE SCREEN.
ANGLE – BURN-IN CART
The one the Repair TechBusters first encountered, coming
down the aisle. Only now its modules are blown out, the
wheels are buckled, the whole thing looking like it's been
through a war. Even the drag chain is frayed. It barely
manages to make it to the Final Assembly Area before grinding to a
shuddering halt. No sooner do the triumphant Repair TechBusters
who followed it arrive, in a great flurry of dust and debris,
the burn-in cart collapses in upon itself –
then fades away out of existence.
ANGLE - LAWSON, ROGER, HENRY
Going to the far edge of the platform and peering off into
the misty reaches of the new construction area. Here it is filled with a
strange, swirling mist that glitters and sparks -- shades of
red, and black, and purple slide just under the surface of
the mist -- looking half-alive, half-unknown. Lawson holds
the FLUKE meter in his hand --
CLOSE - FLUKE METER
The probes raising up, lights flashing, beeping like nuts.
LAWSON (OS)
This is it. Right through there...
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, ROGER
Looking from the FLUKE meter to the darkened construction zone.
LAWSON
The source of the disturbance is just
a little further on. It's sending out
enormous amounts of static electricity,
charging the up everything it touches.
I hope everyone has their ESD footwear on.
ANGLE - HENRY
Looking at a techto-plasm covered machine, he sees something at
its base.
HENRY
Hey, what's that? That doesn't belong here.
UPSHOT - PAST HENRY
Who crouches beside a large stone slab jutting out of the
ground. The rest of the Repair TechBusters appear,
looking down at him.
HENRY
Roger! Take a look at this!
ROGER
Yeah, this is Roger. What'd you find?
HENRY
I don't know, but it looks important.
The Repair TechBusters look to each other, shrug, then bend down
alongside Henry.
WIDE - STONE SLAB - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As they congregate around the stone slab. And now we can SEE
that there is writing in some strange language graven into
the stone. This is clearly something very, very old. (Note:
this is not part of the crate we saw earlier.)
ROGER
(whistles)
Whatever it is, it's been been buried
for ages. Looks like it came out of
the ground all by itself, maybe drawn
up by all the excess static electricity
around here.
TWO-SHOT - HENRY, LAWSON
Kneeling down beside the stone slab, Roger's feet visible
behind them as they examine the artifact. Henry gestures
toward the hieroglyphics.
HENRY
Can you read what it says?
LAWSON
It's a Sumerian Schematic.
HENRY
Can you read Sumerian Schematics?
ON LAWSON
Raising his head, amazed that the question would even be asked.
LAWSON
In my sleep, underwater, and with the
lights off. Of course I can read Sumerian.
Schematics. It'll -- just -- take me a while. I’ve got
some references here in these fantasy novels
I’ve been reading...
With that, he bends down to begin work.
WIPE TO:
INT NEAR CONSTRUCTION AREA - LATER
Where Frank is sitting in FG off by himself, opening a
beer that he takes from his smock pocket. The beer is
surprisingly cold, considering it’s been in his pocket. In BG the
rest of the Repair TechBusters huddle over the stone slab. They're
too far for us to hear what they're saying. Frank talks to himself:
FRANK
Have a beer, Frank. Thanks, think
I will. Say, how long have we been
waiting here? Oh, a couple of hours.
Think we'll ever get out of here? Naah.
Might as well take an extended break…
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Frank puts his beer down beside
him and rummages around in another pocket -- TRUCK IN on the
beer, where a bony hand rises from the ground beside it,
moves slowly over the beer, hovers, about to grab it,
when Frank leans suddenly INTO FRAME.
FRANK
Move it or lose it.
The bony fingers riffle for a moment, as if thinking it over,
then PLOOP! they dive back under the ground again as we HEAR:
ROGER (OS)
Frank! We got it!
And it's just as Frank turns to look back at Roger that
the bony hand reaches out and ZAP! grabs the beer,
disappearing again beneath the ground. Frank, resigned to
his fate, rises and heads OS.
ANOTHER ANGLE - INCLUDES ALL
As Frank joins the remaining Repair TechBusters around the slab.
FRANK
This better be worth a beer, Roger.
ROGER
Good news! We finally figured out what
the stone says! The world's going to end!
ON FRANK
Who nods, taking this in.
FRANK
You have a very strange definition of
"good news."
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, HENRY
Rising INTO FRAME from the stone slab.
LAWSON
According to the stone, at the far end
of this construction area there's a doorway into
-- the nether regions.
HENRY
Translation: the place where all the
bad folks go when they've finished
living.
And Henry points ominously straight down.
FRANK
Oh, there. I thought you meant the
solder training room.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
The CAMERA PULLING BACK to give some idea of the immensity of
their situation, making them small against it.
LAWSON
The door was hidden deep under the factory,
not to be opened until doomsday, the
end of the world. Only somebody opened
it early. It's like breaking open a
dam -- and it'll keep on spreading.
FRANK
Yeah? So?
ON ROGER
VERY serious looking as he begins:
ROGER
Frank -- did you ever leave some old
socks in your closet too long, and the
whole closet began to smell like your socks?
FRANK
(defensively)
Maybe.
WIDE – CONSTRUCTION AREA, REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As Roger gestures to their surroundings.
ROGER
Same thing here. Unless we do something
to stop it, soon the whole factory will
look like this -- just like the nether
regions. Eternal darkness. And the
factory will be governed by ghosts.
FRANK
I think they already got to West Terre Haute.
HENRY
That’s why I live in Charleston.
ON LAWSON
Standing on this side of the mist.
LAWSON
We've got to find the door and close it
again -- even if it means we'll never
come back ourselves.
With that, Lawson arms his High Powered Barcode Scanner, and steps
into the mist, disappearing from view.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE THE REST
Who look to one another. Henry and Roger arm their
scanners, and with determined looks, follow Lawson into the
mist. Frank, alone, finally throws up his hands, arms his
scanner, and follows them in, saying:
FRANK
(resigned)
All right, all right. But if I don't
come out of this alive, I'm gonna be
real upset!
And he, too, disappears into the mist. PULL BACK SLOWLY to
reveal the mist changing shape, taking on features -- and the
side of the mist facing us looks, for all the world, like a
grinning skull. It LAUGHS, and LAUGHS, as we
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT MISTY ROOM
For a BEAT, all we see is grey, swirling mist. Then, out of
it, come the Repair TechBusters, weapons at the ready, eyes alert.
They stop to look at what awaits them.
FRANK
So let me get this straight -- if we
don't stop it, this is what the whole
factory is going to look like?
Lawson nods.
THEIR POV
A scene out of Dante's_Inferno. Charred, blackened ESD floor tiles,
faces in the surrounding walls that watch them pass
(Note: comparable to the Gnome King's minions in Return_to
Oz.) Stunted, twisted trees that look suspiciously like they
might once have been people, bubbling pools, everything very
organic looking, but eerie, creepy. REALLY go to town on
this. (NOTE: Through this and all nether-world scenes, we
must see occasional, familiar-though-distorted things: torn
up sheetrock, signs hanging akilter, shattered doors,
dangling network cables, on and on. We're NOT in another place --
this is the Same Old Place after something very nasty has
come in and messed everything up, changing its nature.)
LAWSON (VO)
After Doomsday, the end of the world,
this was supposed replace everything.
But somehow it was released early, and
it's taking over the factory now.
ANGLE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Who come to a sudden halt, listening.
MEDIUM - LAWSON
As his FLUKE meter overloads. He tosses it away seconds before
it EXPLODES, then continues on.
ANGLE - HENRY
Teeth gritted, pulling himself along the wall.
HENRY
(to himself)
Just a little further, Henry -- you
-- can do it!
TWO-SHOT - FRANK, ROGER
Taking a second's rest against the wall. Frank jerks a
thumb toward the crate.
FRANK
(loud - breathless)
Hey, Roger! I'm -- going next door to
complain -- they're playing their
stereo too loud again! Wanna come?
TIGHTEN
And they smile, in that strange way people do when they're
sure they're about to buy the farm, but it's okay, sorta,
because they're with friends. (Note: go ahead, try to
picture THAT one!) But it's soon gone, and they press on.
ANGLE - DOORWAY
As the Repair TechBusters crawl/walk/scrabble to the wooden
crate, immense power surging past just overhead. With a
mutual nod, they begin to climb, hand over hand, up over the
edge of the crate --
INT WOODEN CRATE
SHOOTING OUT, toward the Repair TechBusters, as they climb up over
the rim and pause, halfway in. Their faces go slack with
amazement and numb shock.
FRANK
Okay . . . I admit it. I'm impressed.
THEIR POV
Simply put: Hades. The Underworld. Chicago suburbs.
Whatever place you normally associate with hell. A
place of swirling fireclouds, black lights, distant shapes
moving through the void, all suffused with a supernal,
shifting light that leans toward the ultraviolet. A place of
sheer, utter desolation. Think of a conformal coating booth
with the ventilation system turned off, and Karen there to
keep you company.
ROGER (VO)
Oh great. Alright, hang on -- this is it!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the four Repair TechBusters take up their places: two on either
side of the now-immense crate opening, clinging to the sides lest
they be hurled away by the wind. They pull out their
barcode scanners.
LAWSON
Arm Back-UPS accelerators -- now!
QUICK CUTS: THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Switching on their Back-UPS accelerators. They HUM to life.
CLOSE - LAWSON
Shielding his eyes against the wind and light.
LAWSON
Activate load boxes and Com2Key --
now!
ON BACKPACKS
As the Repair TechBusters each push a button. Out of the back of
each of the devices a panel swivels around, revealing a
small, dish-like antenna. ENERGY WAVES floating through the
surrounding ether are caught up on the receptors. And the
power indicators on the back of their packs GLOW brightly,
moving further and further up. POWER HUM.
ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Their barcode scanners vibrating and bucking. They
fight to keep hold of them.
LAWSON
Full PTM mode, wide angle --
fire -- NOW!
They do, immensely large waves of laser beams shooting out
of their weapons, much larger than when we saw them earlier.
ROGER
Whooooaaaaaa!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the enormous laser beams shoot down the passage and
angle off down the intersecting passageways.
HENRY
Hold on!!!!!!!!
QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS:
As GHOSTS make a break for the outside world, only to be
snared by the emerging laser scanner beams.
INT DOORWAY
The Repair TechBusters are barely able to hold onto their equipment.
LAWSON
Okay, another second -- now! Activate
capture mode! Pull them in! PULL!
ANOTHER ANGLE
The Repair TechBusters hit another switch on their weapons, and the
bar code scanners begin to reverse, pulling back in toward them,
as when they pull in a ghost to capture it.
INT CRATE PASSAGE
The whole area in front of the Repair TechBusters is spiderwebbed
with energy bolts, veins of energy that FLARE and CRACKLE
like St. Elmo's Fire, or a Tesla coil.
SERIES OF SHOTS
INT FACTORY
The scanner beams, reversed, flow off the burn carts, stripping
the ghosts and everything strange off the carts as it goes --
the motion similar to a banana being peeled, the demarcation
is that clear.
Stalactites and stalagmites retract, the awful
look of the place is peeled back as the scanner beams
reverses.
ANGLE – FACTORY
The first Fireballs we saw earlier are yanked back along the
conveyors, one after another, speeding TOWARD CAMERA.
EXT CONSTRUCTION AREA
The snared ghosts strain against the scanner beams like dogs
on a leash -- then are rudely YANKED BACK inside.
INT DOORWAY - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Who look to one another as they hear a RUMBLING.
ROGER
Uh, oh . . . Is it 2:45 yet?
THEIR POV
Everything that got loose is now headed right AT CAMERA, a
veritable horde of -- things, swirling, caught in the beams.
It's truly a nasty sight.
ROGER (OS/cont'd)
Here_come_the_neighbors!
INT CRATE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Still firing their barcode scanners as the surging mass of
ghosts and other creatures comes pouring in through the
doorway. The WIND is surging toward them now, carrying the
things in with them. It looks like someone opened the drain
in a sewer, only all the yucky stuff is flowing horizontally.
ANGLE - CRATE
As the crate lid moves back towards the crate, it starts to CLOSE.
LAWSON (OS)
That's it! Let's go!
ANGLE - LAWSON
Trying to get his footing in the terrible wind -- and he's
knocked off his feet! The wind pulls him further inside.
LAWSON
Whoaaa!
HENRY
Lawson!!!! Grab him!
ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Scrambling to their feet, they try to grab Lawson as he
zips past overhead, but miss -- and the wind whips them UP
AND AWAY, head over heels, flying deeper into the Nether
Region.
ROGER / FRANK / HENRY / LAWSON
Whoa! Yaaaaaghhhh! Aarrgghhh!
UPSHOT - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As, carried on the wind and waves of force, they're carried
deeper within.
ROGER
(yelling)
Just one chance! Start updating everything
you see! Maybe it'll push us back!
GO! GO! GO!
They do, firing their barcode scanners in front of
them, putting out retro-fire like waves of force.
ANGLE - THE CRATE LID
Closing, fast. The gap is narrowing.
HENRY
Hurry! The lid's closing!
ON THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Their flight in is halted -- and they start to reverse, the
scanners pushing them back toward the lid, faster --
REVERSE ANGLE - SHOOTING THROUGH crate opening
As the Repair TechBusters come shooting TOWARD CAMERA, barely
making it through the narrowing entranceway before the crate
closes with a fantastic BOOOOOMMMMM!
REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Yeeooww! Heyy!! Made it! Yaahoo!
MEDIUM - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Splayed on the ground, all looking as it did in the beginning
-- a normal construction area in the factory.
FRANK
Hey, that was great. Really great.
Can we do it again?
ANGLE ON CRATE
As, once again, it intones:
VOICE OF CRATE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!
CLOSE - FRANK
Who shrugs.
FRANK
It was just an idea . . . .
WIPE TO:
EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ - NIGHT
PUSHING IN on the structure UNDER:
ROGER (VO)
Boy, am I glad to be home! I think I
could sleep for a week.
INT HQ
The Repair TechBusters move toward the kitchen, and open the fridge.
FRANK
You sleep. Me, I'm gonna raid the
fridge and eat until dawn!
Then, abruptly, they stop. Frank looks very angry.
HENRY
Well . . . we can always get pizza.
THEIR POV
Timmay is sitting in the now-empty fridge. He's eaten
everything around him. He looks up at them, smiles. An
empty 2-liter bottle of Pepsi sits beside him.
FRANK (VO)
TIMMAYYYYY!
ANGLE ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
And they're physically restraining Frank from doing serious
damage to Timmay.
FRANK
Let me at him! Let me blast him! C'mon! I’ll
Update his prior step!
ANGLE ON TIMMAY
Whose smile vanishes. He looks around nervously, then PLOOP!
he dives under the floorboards again.
WIDEN
As the Repair TechBusters release a very steamed Frank. They,
however, clearly don't share his animosity.
ROGER
Take it easy on the poor guy, Frank.
HENRY
Yeah -- just because you've had a bad
day, that's no reason to take it out on
Timmay. I mean really, he is kinda retarded,
you know.
ON FRANK
Who shakes his head vigorously.
FRANK
I don't care. He has no people skills. His reports suck!
I wanna see him reported missing on Nancy Grace!
WIDE - LAWSON, KITCHEN
Who looks from the spot where Timmay was, to Frank.
LAWSON
Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe
he eats because he wants to feel like a tech.
Maybe he wishes he were a real Repair Tech.
CLOSE - FRANK
Listening . . . but not really:
LAWSON (cont'd)
Remember -- he's a ghost living with a
bunch of guys whose job it is to bust
ghosts. How would you feel?
And they all head off, leaving Frank alone.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT BUNKROOM - NIGHT
The Repair TechBusters are asleep -- except Frank, who's sitting
up in his bunk. Thinking. Finally, he gets up, heads OS.
INT LOBBY
A door opens, spilling light on Timmay, sitting looking very
miserable in the center of the room, all alone. He turns, sees
TIMMAY'S POV
Frank towering over him. Holding a slice of pizza.
Frank waggles a finger at him --
FRANK
You breathe a word of this to anybody,
and I'll deny it. Plus I’ll post more of your
Reports on the Internet!
With that, he flips the slice of pizza right into Timmay's
mouth. He sets a 2-liter of Pepsi down on the floor.
ON TIMMAY
Timmay smiles with infinite gratitude.
FRANK (OS)
G'night, Timmay.
The door closes. TOTAL DARKNESS. A BEAT. Then:
TIMMAY
(a huge burp)
(LAUGHS)
And on that note, we
FADE OUT:
THE_END
Starring:
Lawson as “Egon Spengler”
Frank as “Peter Venkman”
Henry as “Winston Zeddmore”
Roger as “Ray Stantz”
Timmay as “Slimer”
Plus other familiar names, but any resemblance to actual Repair Techs or other employees is purely coincidental. “This is a parody!”
FADE IN:
EXT 2nd STREET - FACTORY
Nothing unusual about it. We just keep hearing this
CRASHING and BANGING from somewhere. PAN from the factory
back across the street. A CROWD (seen more or less in
silhouette) stands outside wooden barricades, looking at
something we can't yet see. PUSH IN as the SOUNDS grow.
CLOSE - BARRICADE
And there, painted dead-center on the sawhorse-type
barricade, is a Schematic Drawing of a Transistor inside a red circle with a
slash diagonally through it: The Symbol of the Repair TechBusters.
PHIL (OS)
(agonizing)
What are they doing in there?
ANGLE - PHIL, MATT
PHIL, a tall, middle aged man with poor posture, stands with MATT, a
few members of the CROWD, all wearing blue smocks visible in BG.
They stand on the other side of the barricade, looking with anguish at the
source of the disturbance. SFX CONTINUE.
MATT
It'll be all right, Phil. I'm sure the
Repair TechBusters know what they're doing.
OVERSHOULDER SHOT - PHIL, MATT, FACTORY
Matt recoils in horror as we PUSH IN to
increased sounds of devastation from within the factory.
FRANK (VO)
That's it -- we've got 'em now.
INT FACTORY - WIDE ANGLE
Where our four intrepid Repair TechBusters - FRANK, ROGER,
LAWSON and HENRY stand amid the debris, High Powered
Barcode Scanners in-hand, an impressive sight. They'd be a lot more
impressive if they weren't surrounded by about thirty or so
Metro carts, circling them, looking ready to do severe damage to the
Repair TechBusters.
FRANK
(to the unseen ghosts)
Okay, guys, give it up. You've had
your fun, scared a few folks, but we
don't scare. We eat ghosts like you
for breakfast.
HENRY
Uh, we don’t really eat them for breakfast…do we?
UPSHOT - ROGER
Summoning up his bravado, the circling metro carts visible
in BG.
ROGER
Frank's right! You haven't got a
chance! So go ahead -- take your best shot!
ANGLE - FRANK, LAWSON, HENRY
Who, as one, wince at this.
LAWSON/ HENRY/ FRANK
(as one)
Oh, Shit . . .
GHOST VOICES
(chorus, heavy reverb)
If you insist!
(maniacal laughter)
UPSHOT – METRO CARTS
Shooting straight TOWARD CAMERA.
ANGLE - WORKBENCH
Under which the Repair TechBusters dive en_masse to avoid the
hailstorm of Metro carts crashing down all around them to
TREMENDOUS CRASHES AND BANGS.
UNDER WORKBENCH -
Where the four huddle, some holding their ears. CRASH!
BASH! SMASH! Frank gives Roger a withering look.
FRANK
(forced pleasantness)
Good thinking, Roger. I like that. But
somehow, I don't think you'll get
an Applause Dollar this week.
EXT FACTORY - CROWD
Where Phil and Matt stand with the crowd in BG as we
HEAR more CRASHING AND BASHING from OS.
PHIL
What noise! You think we should go in
and help?
Then: an OS CRASH OF BREAKING GLASS. An instant later, a
METRO CART rockets THROUGH FRAME, hitting a tree so hard it
goes right THROUGH IT, before hitting the ground so hard it
buries itself in the cement. JOE looks to Phil.
JOE
In a word . . . no.
ANGLE - LAWSON
Huddled under the workbench, BASHES all around, as he pulls out
the FLUKE meter. Its display zeros. Lawson shakes it a few times
then it FLASHES and BEEPS rapidly.
LAWSON
This is it! Voltage level approaching
maximum. We should get a visible force
five manifestation any -- second -- NOW!
UPSHOT - CEILING
With a FLASH! there appear five or six GHOSTS -- various
grotesque forms floating around in the air. They are not
critical to the remainder of the story, so they can be just
about any design. They cavort, spin, whirl, and zoom.
GHOST CHORUS
(whoops, cackles, etc.)
(heavy reverb)
HENRY (OS)
Now's our chance! Let's get 'em!
WIDE - INCLUDES CEILING, WORKBENCH
As the Repair TechBusters emerge from cover, raise their high powered
bar code scanners, and squeeze the triggers! Shaky flat laser beams
SHOOT OUT toward the circling ghosts.
MEDIUM - GHOSTS
As they are caught in the four-pointed scanner beams
that hit and HOLD them in a field of dancing lasers.
ROGER (OS)
That's it! Careful now! Easy! Easy!
WIDE - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As the trapped ghosts are lowered toward the Techto-trap.
HENRY
Okay, they're in position! Opening the
trap -- NOW!
DOWNSHOT - THE TRAP
The small doors open, and a beam of black light
shoots out.
WIDEN - INCLUDES ALL
The beam of black light from the trap catches the ghosts, and in a whirlwind
of EFX, yanks them into the trap. Its doors close. All quiet.
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, FRANK
As Frank brushes some dust from his smock, eminently pleased.
FRANK
Hey, piece of cake! Told you this'd be
an easy one!
WIDEN
PULLING BACK as the Repair TechBusters head out of the factory
REVEALING that the place is an utter shambles.
ROGER
Yeah, but someone’s gonna have a
lot of 5-S ’ing to do!
EXT FACTORY
As the Repair TechBusters emerge, triumphant, to the SHOUTS of
approbation from the CROWD. A smiling Henry nudges Lawson.
HENRY
I think they like us!
Lawson eyes the crowd with cool scientific aplomb.
LAWSON
I don't know -- it could be a trap.
Henry, rolling his eyes at the ever-cautious Lawson,
grabs his hand and holds it up with his own two, waving to
the crowd, taking it all in. Lawson looks like he wishes
he were reading his fantasy novel.
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE - TECHTO 1 FLASHING BEACON
PULL BACK from the strobing light to reveal the Techto 1 racing
its way through busy streets, traffic parting before it like
the Red Sea. The Repair TechBusters are inside, Roger driving.
ROGER (VO)
Boy, will I be glad to get home. I'm exhausted. OCM is never this tough!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the Techto 1 races AWAY FROM CAMERA OVER:
HENRY (VO)
Yeah! Home -- to some peace and quiet, so I can surf the net.
ROGER
Look! There goes Brian heading home early again!
CUT TO:
INT REPAIR TECHBUSTERS HQ - BLACK SCREEN
Nothing. Darkness. HOLD for a BEAT, under a CRUNCHING
noise. Then the garage door angles open. The Repair TechBusters
stand silhouetted against the bright light outside.
FRANK
Peace and quiet, eh?
REVERSE - GARAGE/OFFICES
Where a line of partly-eaten food extends the length of the
HQ, to where Timmay sits, munching. A frazzled looking
HAROLD stands nearby, arms folded, unhappy. Timmay, on the
other hand, only looks up for a moment, then chugs Pepsi from a 2-liter.
HAROLD
(frustrated)
I tried to stop him. You guys don't
need a receptionist, you need a baby
sitter! A whole damn platoon of 'em!
ON FRANK
Not looking at all happy.
FRANK
(end of his rope)
Timmay . . . ! You ate my lunch! …AND MY SUPPER!!
ON TIMMAY
Who REACTS with trepidation and leaps into the air, doing a
double-somersault before diving through a crack in the floor
boards and disappearing.
ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, LAWSON, HENRY
As they survey the damage.
FRANK
Just let me blast him. Once. Is that
really so much to ask?
LAWSON
Not yet. We haven't finished testing
him yet. He's the only ghost we’ve found who has
no techto-plasm in his cranial cavity -- we can't let the
opportunity for science pass us by.
ON ROGER
Who smiles in that way of his.
ROGER
Besides -- I'm teaching him how to fetch!
ANGLE - FLOORBOARDS
As Timmay's hand comes back through the floorboards and tries
to drag a chicken leg through after him -- without success.
Frank's FEET stomp THROUGH SCENE.
FRANK (VO)
Science -- I love it. Well, come on,
let's get these little nasties put
away.
PLOOP! The chicken leg is yanked through the floorboards.
INT - BASEMENT
Where the Repair TechBusters come down the stairs into the basement
area where the Thermotron containment unit squats, big, blue, and impressive.
ANGLE - WALL THERMOTRON CONTAINMENT UNIT
As the Repair TechBusters ENTER FRAME and stop in front of the unit.
ON FRANK, HENRY
Frank holds up the trap. It RATTLES, and there are SNARLS
and GRUMBLES from within it. He pushes it toward Henry.
FRANK
Okay, Henry, it's your turn.
HENRY
My turn? It's your turn. I fed Timmay
Tuesday, remember? We traded.
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Lawson sighs and comes between them, taking the trap.
LAWSON
(a sigh)
Never mind, I'll do it.
CLOSE - FRANK, HENRY
They lean toward one another conspiratorially.
FRANK
Works every time.
ON LAWSON
As he opens the Thermotron containment unit door, inserting the trap. He turns
the large mechanical oven dial from “ICE AGE” to “HOT AS HELL”.
LAWSON
I don't understand what you're afraid
of. Just because it blew up once
doesn't mean it'll blow up again, right?
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As, behind Lawson, they all take one big step backward kind
of like a Busby Berkeley chorus line, saying:
HENRY/ FRANK/ ROGER
Right…
Lawson pulls the lever that moves the ghosts into the Thermotron
containment unit. The others plug their ears, fearing the worst.
ON LAWSON
Nodding, satisfied, as the Thermotron containment unit does its thing.
LAWSON
There. Now that they're safely inside
the Thermotron containment unit, they won't be
bothering anybody for a long, long time.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
Roger, Henry and Frank step, smiling, back to where
they had been a moment earlier, and Lawson turns to face
them.
LAWSON
Now we can take a break. Nancy Grace is about to come on.
FRANK/ ROGER/ HENRY
(In unison) YAY!!!
WIPE TO:
INT NEW FACTORY ADDITION
Still under construction. PAN the length of it. At the
largest, most complete end, there are large machines
with Japanese writing on them, recently unloaded from wooden crates.
Further on, it's a little more primitive, wires and cables
dangling from overhead conduits. More unopened wooden crates
can be seen here. A florescent light fixture blinks erratically.
INT CONSTRUCTION AREA
Where some WORKMEN hammer nails into the walls and others install new ESD floor tiles.
CAMERA LINGERS and PUSHES IN on two WORKMEN, each examining a
layout of the growing factory addition. Then:
THIRD WORKMAN (OS)
Hey, Bob! Come take a look at this!
Holding up a finger to mark his place in the discussion, the
First Workman heads off toward the sound of the voice,
picking up a Nextel as he enters-
NEW CONSTRUCTION AREA
Where a painters tarp has been just pushed away to REVEAL,
in the flickering light, a large wooden crate.
A very, very old crate, with strange markings and an
odd, mouth-like aperture surrounded by weird hieroglyphics.
FIRST WORKMAN
What is it?
CLOSE - MARKINGS, APERTURE
Looking very strange, very Lovecraftian in the flickering light.
FIRST WORKMAN (OVER)
Beats me. Hey, lookit all that weird
writing. What d'you think it means?
TWO-SHOT - FIRST, THIRD WORKMAN
And neither of them says the following:
VOICE FROM CRATE (OS)
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!
FIRST WORKMAN
Hey, good guess. How do you know?
THIRD WORKMAN
Who, me? I didn't say anything.
They suddenly REACT (PLEASE, don't overdo it!) to the sight
CLOSE - THE CRATE - APERTURE
The mouth-like aperture is moving, shaping the words:
CRATE VOICE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As the Third Workman backpedals a step or two.
THIRD WORKMAN
Maybe -- maybe we ought to do like it says. It is about
time for a smoke break…
FIRST WORKMAN
Are you nuts? We've got an factory
addition to finish. We're not gonna stop
just 'cause some fuckin’ crate says so!
(calling on the Nextel)
Okay, move that crate, and get that wall finished! Let's go!
Together, the two head OS as a fork lift ENTERS FRAME and
starts toward the crate.
REVERSE ANGLE
As the First and Second Workmen head AWAY FROM CAMERA.
FIRST WORKMAN
There, see? You just hafta learn how
to take charge, how to give orders.
Then, suddenly, from where they just left, there's a
tremendous BLAST! They spin around to see-
WIDE - THE CRATE
The lid from the wooden crate – blasts into the air--
and from within, there's a swirling
miasma of light and mist and glittering hellfire that churns
out, getting bigger and bigger by the second, filling the
construction area like a horizontal tornado, throwing the fork
lift back the way it came. Grinning fireballs -- the
loosed spirits, creatures, and so on -- come shooting out.
ON FIRST, SECOND WORKMAN
Ducking the onslaught of energy, fury, and grinning fireballs
that rush all around them, heading out into the room.
FIRST WORKMAN
. . . Oops. RUN FOR IT!!!
They do.
WIDE – FACTORY ADDITION
The entire complement of Workmen scatter everywhichway as the
building is filled with the escaping spirits.
WORKMEN
(General panic & confusion) [More than usual]
ANGLE – FACTORY ADDITION
As two fireballs exit the construction area, the shoot toward Flex 327,
and skate rapidly up the line, and branching out into the other
lines. Other fireballs do the same.
WIDE - BREEZEWAY
Where several lines meet. The Fireballs ENTER
FRAME riding one set of conveyors, and as they arrive at the
breezeway, split off, each following a different line.
INT CAFETERIA
Where a few frazzled PRODUCTION WORKERS stand in a
Line, ordering greasy substances that vaguely look like food.
ANGLE DOWN to the breezway. A skating fireball zips TOWARD
the steam table, and HITS!
ANGLE - THE STEAM TABLE - FRONT
Momentarily glows with energy that crackles along its metal
skin. Then, for a BEAT, nothing happens. Then the sunny
side up eggs in one container begin to sizzle and the yolks -- become like
eyes. They seems to smile -- and it's not a pretty sight.
ANGLE – CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
EMPLOYEES run hysterically out of the cafeteria, large blobs of
unrecognizable food taking monstrous shapes behind them. A
creature dripping grease and tomato sauce grabs an EMPLOYEE.
EMPLOYEE
Aaghh! This is my last clean smock!
EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE- DOORS
The MAN AND WOMAN barely manage to dive out through the still
open doors, smiling in relief.
MAN
Made it! Boy, are we lucky!
SLAM! The doors close -- and they look suspiciously like a
huge maw (or fist) closing.
FLEX LINE
Odd-form insertion machine -- its usual motion is suddenly
halted, then the robotic arm spins like a top and the Plexiglas
wall around it shatters. And the sound it makes is like a scream.
ANGLE - FRONT OF FORKLIFT
Heading straight FOR CAMERA, as wisps of spirit-trails begin
to surround it, the forklift leaves a trail of techto-plasm.
Just as it seems about to pulverize the CAMERA we…
CUT TO:
EXT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE
Where some EMPLOYEES come barrelling out of the entrance to
the factory, chased by any number of four, six, and eight
legged ghosties. The EMPLOYEES are exiting the building about
as fast as they normally would… at quitting time.
EMPLOYEES
(screams & shouts)
CAMERA ANGLES UP -- and there, in the distance, is
Repair TechBuster HQ.
INT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HEADQUARTERS
Where Frank lays back on his bunk, looking content.
FRANK
(contented sigh)
Now -- to get some rest! Flex 2 has been driving me nuts!
INT HAROLD'S STATION
He hangs up the phone and slams his hand down on the alarm.
HAROLD
Okay, let's ROLL!
SIRENS blare! CLAXONS sound! RED LIGHTS glare! TOILETS flush!
UPSHOT - FIRE POLE
Lickety-split, Roger, Henry, and Lawson slide down the
pole. PAN QUICKLY UP.
ANGLE - FRANK'S BUNK
As Frank crawls with utter despair out of his bunk.
FRANK
It's a conspiracy. I know it. Just like my solder test…
EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ
As the door slides up, and Techto 1 races out and away from the
Repair TechBusters HQ.
WIPE TO:
INT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE
The bottom of the steps, where – Hot Air Jets in hand -- Roger,
Frank and Henry move cautiously to the bottom. PULL
BACK TO REVEAL that the factory has changed -- a lot. Layers
of Techtoplasmic slime drip from everything in sight, jagged
stalactites and stalagmites jut out from odd angles, and a
thin mist hangs over everything. In a very short while, this
place has gone all to hell. The Repair TechBusters look around,
taking this all in.
FRANK
Very nice. Looks a little like
your workbench, Roger.
ANGLE - ROGER, HENRY, FRANK
Looking up as HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER fills the building. They
look around nervously. The laughter stops. Then, suddenly
Roger stops, holds up a hand.
ROGER
Listen! Do you hear -- footsteps?
A BEAT. Yeah, there are footsteps, all right. Suddenly,
Lawson ENTERS FRAME behind them.
LAWSON
Hi, guys.
FRANK / ROGER / HENRY
YAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
WIDEN
As the others spin toward Lawson, weapons drawn, then relax.
HENRY
Geez, Lawson -- how many times do we have
to tell you -- don't do that!
ROGER
So what's up? What did you find out?
ON LAWSON
Consulting his FLUKE meter, he attaches what
looks like a bar code scanner to it, scanning with it as he speaks.
LAWSON
I spoke with a guy from TBM. He
says that whatever's happening, it's
spreading throughout the factory. He’s
worried how long it will take them to
clean the floors after it’s over
I think if it isn't stopped soon, it will spread
to Farmington Hills, then the whole
company will be in chaos.
ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, HENRY
Roger is amazed, fascinated by this. Frank, DURING THE
FOLLOWING, notices something OS that gets his attention.
ROGER
That's amazing! I mean, we're not just
talking simple haunting here. This is
classic transformation. It's like the
whole place itself is becoming evil,
coming alive…
HENRY
Or like a major corporate restructuring. But
now what? Maybe we ought to . . . .
On this, Frank slips away, heading toward what's been
taking up his attention.
OVERSHOULDER SHOT - FRANK
Heading toward a figure in the mist: from behind, it seems to
be a bartender, cleaning glasses with a towel. He stands
behind what appears to be a long wooden bar
as Frank comes from behind.
FRANK
Ah, excuse me, bartender?
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Frank comes up behind the figure, his back still to CAMERA.
FRANK (cont'd)
(a come-on)
I hate to bother you, but maybe you'd
happen to have Newcastle Brown Ale on tap.
I’d like a pint and some hot wings also.
Suddenly, the figure turns -- and we SEE that this is a
skeleton, not a bartender. The skull-face
widens in a HYSTERICAL LAUGH. If the thing expects this to
have any effect on Frank, it doesn't. He leans forward,
looks at the thing's teeth.
FRANK
(just a tad nervously)
Say, now, ah . . when was the last
time you saw your dentist? Hmm?
And what about that beer?
With a ROAR, the thing disappears, fades out, the bar and
glasses wisp away in an ethereal mist. Suddenly, he looks OS to
an approaching, clanking ROAR from somewhere down the line.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
As the other Repair TechBusters join him, a
BURN-IN CART, looking fairly normal, if slimed, makes its
appearance. It pulls up, slowing to a stop before them.
A status tag on the cart says “Ready for Burn-In”.
HENRY
It's a Burn cart.
ROGER
Yeah, looks like it.
LAWSON
But I thought the burn chambers had stopped running.
FRANK
Damn. I was really in the mood for a beer…
Then just as it appeared, BURN-IN CART starts to move again
and heads toward the Burn-In chambers. The Repair TechBusters
Follow the cart cautiously to the Burn-In chambers.
WHOOSH! The chamber doors open up right in front of them.
The cart ENTERS. The doors slide shut again. And the seam where the
doors join . . . disappears.
INT FACTORY- BURN-IN AREA
The burn chambers start running their temperature cycles.
The place is amazingly dreary looking –
dark, oppressive. Lawson pulls a floor plan out of his
jacket pocket and examines it.
LAWSON
This could be very helpful. From what
I've been able to figure out, the
center of the disturbance is not
far from here. As a matter of fact, I
think it may be in the new construction
area for the Super Duper Cell, Flex 256!
FRANK
Terrific! Listen, I'm going to go
take a whiz…be right back.
Frank goes to one of the doors that used to say “MEN” but
it now has some strange symbols on the door.
ANGLE - FRANK, DOOR
The door opens -- and the former restroom is filled with
walking skeletons, group leaders, ghosts of all sorts. They cram
into the door, standing, not moving, implying that all of
the urinals just may be taken. Frank takes it all in for a BEAT,
then looks over his shoulder at his companions.
FRANK
On second thought, I think I can
hold it a little while longer.
EXT PARKING LOT
EMPLOYEES congregating in their designated evacuation
areas, milling about the otherwise quiet parking lot,
down which we SEE a bunch of manhole covers in a row -- and
suddenly, one after another, they're BLOWN right off the
street and into the air as the SOUND of battle below rages,
blasts of high powered bar code scanners and ghost-wisps
BLAMMING! through the open manholes with each explosion.
The Employees look on, wide-eyed, as the disturbance moves
from one manhole cover to the next, heading around the corner
of the factory.
INT FACTORY – FINAL ASSEMBLY AREA
Looking very much like the area we just left, only even more
dark, slimy, deteriorated and otherwise yucked-up.
Silence. Then: a sound from down the hallway. A rumbling.
MOVE TOWARD IT. It FILLS THE SCREEN.
ANGLE – BURN-IN CART
The one the Repair TechBusters first encountered, coming
down the aisle. Only now its modules are blown out, the
wheels are buckled, the whole thing looking like it's been
through a war. Even the drag chain is frayed. It barely
manages to make it to the Final Assembly Area before grinding to a
shuddering halt. No sooner do the triumphant Repair TechBusters
who followed it arrive, in a great flurry of dust and debris,
the burn-in cart collapses in upon itself –
then fades away out of existence.
ANGLE - LAWSON, ROGER, HENRY
Going to the far edge of the platform and peering off into
the misty reaches of the new construction area. Here it is filled with a
strange, swirling mist that glitters and sparks -- shades of
red, and black, and purple slide just under the surface of
the mist -- looking half-alive, half-unknown. Lawson holds
the FLUKE meter in his hand --
CLOSE - FLUKE METER
The probes raising up, lights flashing, beeping like nuts.
LAWSON (OS)
This is it. Right through there...
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, ROGER
Looking from the FLUKE meter to the darkened construction zone.
LAWSON
The source of the disturbance is just
a little further on. It's sending out
enormous amounts of static electricity,
charging the up everything it touches.
I hope everyone has their ESD footwear on.
ANGLE - HENRY
Looking at a techto-plasm covered machine, he sees something at
its base.
HENRY
Hey, what's that? That doesn't belong here.
UPSHOT - PAST HENRY
Who crouches beside a large stone slab jutting out of the
ground. The rest of the Repair TechBusters appear,
looking down at him.
HENRY
Roger! Take a look at this!
ROGER
Yeah, this is Roger. What'd you find?
HENRY
I don't know, but it looks important.
The Repair TechBusters look to each other, shrug, then bend down
alongside Henry.
WIDE - STONE SLAB - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As they congregate around the stone slab. And now we can SEE
that there is writing in some strange language graven into
the stone. This is clearly something very, very old. (Note:
this is not part of the crate we saw earlier.)
ROGER
(whistles)
Whatever it is, it's been been buried
for ages. Looks like it came out of
the ground all by itself, maybe drawn
up by all the excess static electricity
around here.
TWO-SHOT - HENRY, LAWSON
Kneeling down beside the stone slab, Roger's feet visible
behind them as they examine the artifact. Henry gestures
toward the hieroglyphics.
HENRY
Can you read what it says?
LAWSON
It's a Sumerian Schematic.
HENRY
Can you read Sumerian Schematics?
ON LAWSON
Raising his head, amazed that the question would even be asked.
LAWSON
In my sleep, underwater, and with the
lights off. Of course I can read Sumerian.
Schematics. It'll -- just -- take me a while. I’ve got
some references here in these fantasy novels
I’ve been reading...
With that, he bends down to begin work.
WIPE TO:
INT NEAR CONSTRUCTION AREA - LATER
Where Frank is sitting in FG off by himself, opening a
beer that he takes from his smock pocket. The beer is
surprisingly cold, considering it’s been in his pocket. In BG the
rest of the Repair TechBusters huddle over the stone slab. They're
too far for us to hear what they're saying. Frank talks to himself:
FRANK
Have a beer, Frank. Thanks, think
I will. Say, how long have we been
waiting here? Oh, a couple of hours.
Think we'll ever get out of here? Naah.
Might as well take an extended break…
ANOTHER ANGLE
As Frank puts his beer down beside
him and rummages around in another pocket -- TRUCK IN on the
beer, where a bony hand rises from the ground beside it,
moves slowly over the beer, hovers, about to grab it,
when Frank leans suddenly INTO FRAME.
FRANK
Move it or lose it.
The bony fingers riffle for a moment, as if thinking it over,
then PLOOP! they dive back under the ground again as we HEAR:
ROGER (OS)
Frank! We got it!
And it's just as Frank turns to look back at Roger that
the bony hand reaches out and ZAP! grabs the beer,
disappearing again beneath the ground. Frank, resigned to
his fate, rises and heads OS.
ANOTHER ANGLE - INCLUDES ALL
As Frank joins the remaining Repair TechBusters around the slab.
FRANK
This better be worth a beer, Roger.
ROGER
Good news! We finally figured out what
the stone says! The world's going to end!
ON FRANK
Who nods, taking this in.
FRANK
You have a very strange definition of
"good news."
TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, HENRY
Rising INTO FRAME from the stone slab.
LAWSON
According to the stone, at the far end
of this construction area there's a doorway into
-- the nether regions.
HENRY
Translation: the place where all the
bad folks go when they've finished
living.
And Henry points ominously straight down.
FRANK
Oh, there. I thought you meant the
solder training room.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL
The CAMERA PULLING BACK to give some idea of the immensity of
their situation, making them small against it.
LAWSON
The door was hidden deep under the factory,
not to be opened until doomsday, the
end of the world. Only somebody opened
it early. It's like breaking open a
dam -- and it'll keep on spreading.
FRANK
Yeah? So?
ON ROGER
VERY serious looking as he begins:
ROGER
Frank -- did you ever leave some old
socks in your closet too long, and the
whole closet began to smell like your socks?
FRANK
(defensively)
Maybe.
WIDE – CONSTRUCTION AREA, REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As Roger gestures to their surroundings.
ROGER
Same thing here. Unless we do something
to stop it, soon the whole factory will
look like this -- just like the nether
regions. Eternal darkness. And the
factory will be governed by ghosts.
FRANK
I think they already got to West Terre Haute.
HENRY
That’s why I live in Charleston.
ON LAWSON
Standing on this side of the mist.
LAWSON
We've got to find the door and close it
again -- even if it means we'll never
come back ourselves.
With that, Lawson arms his High Powered Barcode Scanner, and steps
into the mist, disappearing from view.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE THE REST
Who look to one another. Henry and Roger arm their
scanners, and with determined looks, follow Lawson into the
mist. Frank, alone, finally throws up his hands, arms his
scanner, and follows them in, saying:
FRANK
(resigned)
All right, all right. But if I don't
come out of this alive, I'm gonna be
real upset!
And he, too, disappears into the mist. PULL BACK SLOWLY to
reveal the mist changing shape, taking on features -- and the
side of the mist facing us looks, for all the world, like a
grinning skull. It LAUGHS, and LAUGHS, as we
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT MISTY ROOM
For a BEAT, all we see is grey, swirling mist. Then, out of
it, come the Repair TechBusters, weapons at the ready, eyes alert.
They stop to look at what awaits them.
FRANK
So let me get this straight -- if we
don't stop it, this is what the whole
factory is going to look like?
Lawson nods.
THEIR POV
A scene out of Dante's_Inferno. Charred, blackened ESD floor tiles,
faces in the surrounding walls that watch them pass
(Note: comparable to the Gnome King's minions in Return_to
Oz.) Stunted, twisted trees that look suspiciously like they
might once have been people, bubbling pools, everything very
organic looking, but eerie, creepy. REALLY go to town on
this. (NOTE: Through this and all nether-world scenes, we
must see occasional, familiar-though-distorted things: torn
up sheetrock, signs hanging akilter, shattered doors,
dangling network cables, on and on. We're NOT in another place --
this is the Same Old Place after something very nasty has
come in and messed everything up, changing its nature.)
LAWSON (VO)
After Doomsday, the end of the world,
this was supposed replace everything.
But somehow it was released early, and
it's taking over the factory now.
ANGLE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Who come to a sudden halt, listening.
MEDIUM - LAWSON
As his FLUKE meter overloads. He tosses it away seconds before
it EXPLODES, then continues on.
ANGLE - HENRY
Teeth gritted, pulling himself along the wall.
HENRY
(to himself)
Just a little further, Henry -- you
-- can do it!
TWO-SHOT - FRANK, ROGER
Taking a second's rest against the wall. Frank jerks a
thumb toward the crate.
FRANK
(loud - breathless)
Hey, Roger! I'm -- going next door to
complain -- they're playing their
stereo too loud again! Wanna come?
TIGHTEN
And they smile, in that strange way people do when they're
sure they're about to buy the farm, but it's okay, sorta,
because they're with friends. (Note: go ahead, try to
picture THAT one!) But it's soon gone, and they press on.
ANGLE - DOORWAY
As the Repair TechBusters crawl/walk/scrabble to the wooden
crate, immense power surging past just overhead. With a
mutual nod, they begin to climb, hand over hand, up over the
edge of the crate --
INT WOODEN CRATE
SHOOTING OUT, toward the Repair TechBusters, as they climb up over
the rim and pause, halfway in. Their faces go slack with
amazement and numb shock.
FRANK
Okay . . . I admit it. I'm impressed.
THEIR POV
Simply put: Hades. The Underworld. Chicago suburbs.
Whatever place you normally associate with hell. A
place of swirling fireclouds, black lights, distant shapes
moving through the void, all suffused with a supernal,
shifting light that leans toward the ultraviolet. A place of
sheer, utter desolation. Think of a conformal coating booth
with the ventilation system turned off, and Karen there to
keep you company.
ROGER (VO)
Oh great. Alright, hang on -- this is it!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the four Repair TechBusters take up their places: two on either
side of the now-immense crate opening, clinging to the sides lest
they be hurled away by the wind. They pull out their
barcode scanners.
LAWSON
Arm Back-UPS accelerators -- now!
QUICK CUTS: THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Switching on their Back-UPS accelerators. They HUM to life.
CLOSE - LAWSON
Shielding his eyes against the wind and light.
LAWSON
Activate load boxes and Com2Key --
now!
ON BACKPACKS
As the Repair TechBusters each push a button. Out of the back of
each of the devices a panel swivels around, revealing a
small, dish-like antenna. ENERGY WAVES floating through the
surrounding ether are caught up on the receptors. And the
power indicators on the back of their packs GLOW brightly,
moving further and further up. POWER HUM.
ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Their barcode scanners vibrating and bucking. They
fight to keep hold of them.
LAWSON
Full PTM mode, wide angle --
fire -- NOW!
They do, immensely large waves of laser beams shooting out
of their weapons, much larger than when we saw them earlier.
ROGER
Whooooaaaaaa!
REVERSE ANGLE
As the enormous laser beams shoot down the passage and
angle off down the intersecting passageways.
HENRY
Hold on!!!!!!!!
QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS:
As GHOSTS make a break for the outside world, only to be
snared by the emerging laser scanner beams.
INT DOORWAY
The Repair TechBusters are barely able to hold onto their equipment.
LAWSON
Okay, another second -- now! Activate
capture mode! Pull them in! PULL!
ANOTHER ANGLE
The Repair TechBusters hit another switch on their weapons, and the
bar code scanners begin to reverse, pulling back in toward them,
as when they pull in a ghost to capture it.
INT CRATE PASSAGE
The whole area in front of the Repair TechBusters is spiderwebbed
with energy bolts, veins of energy that FLARE and CRACKLE
like St. Elmo's Fire, or a Tesla coil.
SERIES OF SHOTS
INT FACTORY
The scanner beams, reversed, flow off the burn carts, stripping
the ghosts and everything strange off the carts as it goes --
the motion similar to a banana being peeled, the demarcation
is that clear.
Stalactites and stalagmites retract, the awful
look of the place is peeled back as the scanner beams
reverses.
ANGLE – FACTORY
The first Fireballs we saw earlier are yanked back along the
conveyors, one after another, speeding TOWARD CAMERA.
EXT CONSTRUCTION AREA
The snared ghosts strain against the scanner beams like dogs
on a leash -- then are rudely YANKED BACK inside.
INT DOORWAY - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Who look to one another as they hear a RUMBLING.
ROGER
Uh, oh . . . Is it 2:45 yet?
THEIR POV
Everything that got loose is now headed right AT CAMERA, a
veritable horde of -- things, swirling, caught in the beams.
It's truly a nasty sight.
ROGER (OS/cont'd)
Here_come_the_neighbors!
INT CRATE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Still firing their barcode scanners as the surging mass of
ghosts and other creatures comes pouring in through the
doorway. The WIND is surging toward them now, carrying the
things in with them. It looks like someone opened the drain
in a sewer, only all the yucky stuff is flowing horizontally.
ANGLE - CRATE
As the crate lid moves back towards the crate, it starts to CLOSE.
LAWSON (OS)
That's it! Let's go!
ANGLE - LAWSON
Trying to get his footing in the terrible wind -- and he's
knocked off his feet! The wind pulls him further inside.
LAWSON
Whoaaa!
HENRY
Lawson!!!! Grab him!
ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Scrambling to their feet, they try to grab Lawson as he
zips past overhead, but miss -- and the wind whips them UP
AND AWAY, head over heels, flying deeper into the Nether
Region.
ROGER / FRANK / HENRY / LAWSON
Whoa! Yaaaaaghhhh! Aarrgghhh!
UPSHOT - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
As, carried on the wind and waves of force, they're carried
deeper within.
ROGER
(yelling)
Just one chance! Start updating everything
you see! Maybe it'll push us back!
GO! GO! GO!
They do, firing their barcode scanners in front of
them, putting out retro-fire like waves of force.
ANGLE - THE CRATE LID
Closing, fast. The gap is narrowing.
HENRY
Hurry! The lid's closing!
ON THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Their flight in is halted -- and they start to reverse, the
scanners pushing them back toward the lid, faster --
REVERSE ANGLE - SHOOTING THROUGH crate opening
As the Repair TechBusters come shooting TOWARD CAMERA, barely
making it through the narrowing entranceway before the crate
closes with a fantastic BOOOOOMMMMM!
REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Yeeooww! Heyy!! Made it! Yaahoo!
MEDIUM - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Splayed on the ground, all looking as it did in the beginning
-- a normal construction area in the factory.
FRANK
Hey, that was great. Really great.
Can we do it again?
ANGLE ON CRATE
As, once again, it intones:
VOICE OF CRATE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!
CLOSE - FRANK
Who shrugs.
FRANK
It was just an idea . . . .
WIPE TO:
EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ - NIGHT
PUSHING IN on the structure UNDER:
ROGER (VO)
Boy, am I glad to be home! I think I
could sleep for a week.
INT HQ
The Repair TechBusters move toward the kitchen, and open the fridge.
FRANK
You sleep. Me, I'm gonna raid the
fridge and eat until dawn!
Then, abruptly, they stop. Frank looks very angry.
HENRY
Well . . . we can always get pizza.
THEIR POV
Timmay is sitting in the now-empty fridge. He's eaten
everything around him. He looks up at them, smiles. An
empty 2-liter bottle of Pepsi sits beside him.
FRANK (VO)
TIMMAYYYYY!
ANGLE ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
And they're physically restraining Frank from doing serious
damage to Timmay.
FRANK
Let me at him! Let me blast him! C'mon! I’ll
Update his prior step!
ANGLE ON TIMMAY
Whose smile vanishes. He looks around nervously, then PLOOP!
he dives under the floorboards again.
WIDEN
As the Repair TechBusters release a very steamed Frank. They,
however, clearly don't share his animosity.
ROGER
Take it easy on the poor guy, Frank.
HENRY
Yeah -- just because you've had a bad
day, that's no reason to take it out on
Timmay. I mean really, he is kinda retarded,
you know.
ON FRANK
Who shakes his head vigorously.
FRANK
I don't care. He has no people skills. His reports suck!
I wanna see him reported missing on Nancy Grace!
WIDE - LAWSON, KITCHEN
Who looks from the spot where Timmay was, to Frank.
LAWSON
Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe
he eats because he wants to feel like a tech.
Maybe he wishes he were a real Repair Tech.
CLOSE - FRANK
Listening . . . but not really:
LAWSON (cont'd)
Remember -- he's a ghost living with a
bunch of guys whose job it is to bust
ghosts. How would you feel?
And they all head off, leaving Frank alone.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT BUNKROOM - NIGHT
The Repair TechBusters are asleep -- except Frank, who's sitting
up in his bunk. Thinking. Finally, he gets up, heads OS.
INT LOBBY
A door opens, spilling light on Timmay, sitting looking very
miserable in the center of the room, all alone. He turns, sees
TIMMAY'S POV
Frank towering over him. Holding a slice of pizza.
Frank waggles a finger at him --
FRANK
You breathe a word of this to anybody,
and I'll deny it. Plus I’ll post more of your
Reports on the Internet!
With that, he flips the slice of pizza right into Timmay's
mouth. He sets a 2-liter of Pepsi down on the floor.
ON TIMMAY
Timmay smiles with infinite gratitude.
FRANK (OS)
G'night, Timmay.
The door closes. TOTAL DARKNESS. A BEAT. Then:
TIMMAY
(a huge burp)
(LAUGHS)
And on that note, we
FADE OUT:
THE_END
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