Repair Tech Wars: Episode 3.5.1

REPAIR TECH WARS: EPISODE 3.5.1- REVENGE OF THE DARK TECH:
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT

STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2




FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.

They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.

They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.

DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.

HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!

They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.

DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.

LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!

LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.

M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?

M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.

M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.

We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.

INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.

DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--

DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?

DALE
Yup.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.

TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!

EXT. UTAPAU

ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?

GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.

ROGER shoots it.

GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.

Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.

HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.

HENRY
No, go your room.

HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?

HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.

HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.

DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.

HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

DALE
I could blow.

HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.

Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.

HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.

DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...

LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?

HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.

HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.

LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.

DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.

EXT. UTAPAU

DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.

DALE
Execute order 666.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.

DALE
Oh, and order 667.

CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.

They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.

DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.

INT. M.'S APARTMENT

ROGER arrives to talk to M.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!

M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.

ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.

M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

M.
(collapsing)
Urk!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.

DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.

ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?

M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.

FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?

FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.

FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.

DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!