Thursday, July 28, 2005

Confucius should have said...

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Animals...

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Even with a nightcap, a wolf looks nothing like a grandmother.

Grasshopper always wrong in argument with chicken.

Law of Forecasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

Monday, July 25, 2005

more about beer and other alco-beverages...

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness:
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
BUT: You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Frank's Guidelines for Beer Choices:
1. I'm allergic to clear beer.
2. Life's too short to drink cheap beer.
3. If you can see through a beer, it's missing something.
4. Domestic brewers don't try hard enough.
5. Microbrewers try too hard.
6. "Born on date" is bullshit.
7. Drinking Budweiser is like sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.
8. If Budweiser tastes so great, why do you have to drink it ice cold? To numb your taste buds? (Try drinking it at 50 degrees.)

Never drink and drive. (You might spill some!)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Ask Dad...

Ask Dad

"A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"


The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up
the house and send you kids to a great University!"



The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially, you and I are sitting on 3
million dollars but realistically, we're living with 2 sluts and a queer.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

more Timmeh

the total units on hold for ... is now 339,18 , 33 ,
line is now running days only tst 175
I attened a repair tech meeting from 3 to 4 today
I sent 15 units back to tst 191 and 8 to tst 175 for verious false fails and repairs
oh yea I was again running around doing updates
the operators have been helping me in that regards

----------------------------------------------------------------


The Repair Tech's Nemesis:
Experts theorize that, through evolution and inbreeding, repair techs may become a dinstinct subspecies of the human race.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

teddy bears

Even samurai have teddy bears and even the teddy bears get drunk...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

mmmm beer

The liver is evil and must be destroyed. Drink more beer.

----------------------------------------

I must not drink beer.
Beer is the mind killer.
Beer is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my beer.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past.
I will turn my inner eye to see it's path.
Where the beer has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Sexist Arithmetic

Sexist Arithmetic

RELATIONSHIP ARITHMETIC
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage defined (by a man); Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage! I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Beer Troubleshooting

My favorite kind of troubleshooting...


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

TIMMAH!!!

Someone else's reports have generated a cult following, albeit for a different reason. Timmah! (Think of South Park's Timmy, the retarded wheelchair kid. This one doesn't need a wheelchair, though) Timmah's grammar leaves much to be desired...some portions have been edited to incriminate the innocent.

servers up and down all day (literally up and down?)

I had severaql E3's that need reprogrqamed … now some are still one board on a panel but it still holding the rest up (That's amazing!)

Worked most of the day on xxxx, sent servral of the above faiolures to srt for micro or asic changes..these are


E3's that need reflash are down to 4 panels… there refusing to be reprogramed ...is helping me try and reflash them

Chrysler come down my line today (drunk driver, i suppose?)

...are having a high rate of fall out at ict… gettting with ... when he can work himself free (some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps)

I received a loadbox from ... today .. I was tring to mod it to work but I was kinda bus keeping lines clean

reflashing was succsesful but we really need another computer to keep up with fails and reprograming (if you flash someone, then flash them again, is that "reflashing?)

just a note I have 6 panels of ... that will not hold the reflash or will nto start the reflash

second note I have 2 panels of of ... built in april waiting on the reflash box to be fixed (name) has already (the man's a genius!)

... that failed in Ict I think have bad micros..my NVm is coming up all zero's (and that's not all...)

ok the line was down since 11:30 I been working on the new load box
ok the line was down since 11:30 the new load box is done (good job Timmah!)

I will resume working on the ... problems tommorw I hope. (me too)

I had 2 ar's turned in for coils one for a blown coil and the other for coil not in barrel far enough (blown?)

there was bout 3 panels of ... that was scraped cuz of warping issues (Warp speed, Mr. Sulu!)

ok other then having plenty to work on it was an uneventfull day (hmmm)

...one leg lifted (my dog does that...)

MY DEVIATION TO REFLASH THESE HAS BEEN REJECTED I AM MOVING these to rma cage
(forgot caps lock was on?)

...change the no name test fail to pbfunctional so I will also be trying to run the ... through ict if I get the time (how much has he had to drink?)

I had one ...That failed functional with active faults… cleared faults once and they returned… cleared again and the faults dissappeared (Definition of STUPID: Repeating same action but expecting different results)

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Troubleshooting

Troubleshooting electronics is alot easier when you take into account the morons who worked on it previously.


Frank's Law of Troubleshooting:
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.


Next time: Beer Troubleshooting.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

out of the silent planet

He wondered how he could ever have thought of the planets, even of the Earth, as islands of life and reality floating in a deadly void. Now with a certainty which never after deserted him, he saw the planets - as mere holes or gaps in the living heaven - excluded and rejected wastes of heavy matter and murky air, formed not by addition to, but by subtraction from, the surrounding brightness.

C.S. Lewis
Out of the Silent Planet

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Janet Reno :o)

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno
were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says
to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with
men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and
there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged
(that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't
have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."


Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"


Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make
a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the
loudest, nastiest fart that I can."


That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir,
and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been
saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.


She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most
disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.


Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Frank's Rules...

Frank's Rules:
Ever since the first scientific experiment, man has been plagued by the increasing antagonism of nature. It seems only right that nature should be logical and neat, but experience has shown that this is not the case. A further series of rules has been formulated, designed to help man accept the pigheadedness of nature:

To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone (like a team leader) eager to (a) misinterpret it, (B) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory.
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollary 1: No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Corollary 2: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Science is truth - don't be misled by facts.

What the stink is about...

Here is a sample of previous posts that caused such a controversy in my reports at work. Can you believe that this stuff offended someone?

Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark too read.

Rule of Evolving Bryographic Sysyems:
While bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in the presence od suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combine translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We therefore conclude that a rolling sone gathers no moss.

The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels of hierachy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

I filled out an application that said: "In case of emergency notify" I wrote doctor.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

It's back!

If you look like Janet Reno, do not read this...

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.