The Techtrix
A parody of “The Matrix”
Starring:
Frank W. as “Franko” (Neo)
Henry as “Henreus” (Morpheus)
Rick as the cross dressing “Trannity” (Trinity)
Rob K. as “Kitcher” (Cypher)
Brian as “Manager B” (Agent Smith)
Roger as the psychic “Orifice” (Oracle)
Fran as “Manager F” (Agent Jones)
Pedro as “Manager P” (Agent Brown)
Liz as “*itch” (Switch)
Lawson as “Lawpoc” (Apoc)
Doug as “Dougzer” (Dozer)
Tim as “Timmay” (Tank)
Harold as “Uncle Harry” (Mouse)
And some other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidence.
This is a parody/ satire and protected as such under U.S. laws.
(Cellular)
Kitcher: Yeah, what is it? I’m playing X-Box 360.
Trannity: Is everything in place?
Kitcher: It’s not your turn to play.
Trannity: I know, but I want to take your shift.
Kitcher: You like watching him, don't you? You like watching him. You’re a freaking voyeur perv.
Trannity: Well, maybe a little.
Kitcher: I knew it. Perv!
Trannity: Henreus believes he is the one.
Kitcher: Do you?
Trannity: It doesn't matter what I believe.
Kitcher: You don't, do you?
Trannity: Did you hear that?
Kitcher: Hear what?
Trannity: Are you sure this line is clean?
Kitcher: You did dial 1-900-FREAKIN.
Trannity: I better go.
(Hotel room)
Cop: Freeze, Police. Hands on your head. What the...? Oh Jeez, pull your pants up!
(Street)
Manager B: Lieutenant...
Lieutenant: Oh shit.
Manager B: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
Lieutenant: Hey, I'm just doing my job. You give me any burn cart repair crap; you can cram it up your ass.
Manager B: Your orders were for your protection.
Lieutenant: I think we can handle one little girl, or whatever it is.... I sent two units. They're bringing him/her/it down now.
Manager B: No Lieutenant, your men have already been molested.
(Hotel room)
Trannity: Henreus, the line was traced, I don't know how.
Henreus: I know. CIM monitored your Internet usage. There's no time, you're going to have to get to another exit.
Trannity: Are there any Managers?
Henreus: Yes.
Trannity: God-dammit.
Henreus: You have to focus, Trannity. There's a phone at the Flex 2 repair station. You can make it.
Trannity: All right.
Henreus: Go.
(Rooftop)
Cop: That's impossible.
(Building)
Trannity: Get it up Trannity. Just get it up. Get it up. Oohh, it’s up…
(Street)
Manager P: The transvestite got out.
Manager B: It doesn't matter.
Manager F: The informant is real.
Manager B: Yes.
Manager F: We have the name of their next target.
Manager P: The name is Franko.
Manager B: We'll need a search running. Check all the bars. Set up roadblocks.
Manager F: It has already begun.
(Franko's apartment)
Franko: What? What the hell?... Follow the white rabbit?... Who is it?
Kevin: It's Kevin.
Franko: Yeah. Yeah. You're two hours late.
Kevin: I know, it's her fault.
Franko: Got the beer?
Kevin: Two cases. Newcastle Brown Ale.
Franko: Hold on.
Kevin: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.
Franko: You get caught using that...
Kevin: Yeah, I know. This never happened. You don't exist. You were drunk at the pub.
Franko: Right.
Kevin: Something wrong, man? You look a little more sober than usual.
Franko: My computer, it... You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're sober or still drunk?
Kevin: Mm, all the time. It's called a hangover. Hey, it just sounds to me like you need to unplug, man. You know, get some R and R. What do you think, Ashleigh? Shall we take him with us?
Ashleigh: Definitely.
Franko: I can't, I have work tomorrow.
Ashleigh: Come on, when has that stopped you? It'll be fun. I promise.
Franko: Yeah, sure, I'll go.
(Club)
Trannity: Hello Franko.
Franko: How do you know that name?
Trannity: I know a lot about you.
Franko: Who are you?
Trannity: My name is Trannity.
Franko: Trannity. The Trannity? The one that got caught whacking in Victoria’s Secret?
Trannity: That was a long time ago.
Franko: Jesus.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I just thought, um...you were a guy.
Trannity: Well maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
Franko: It was you on my computer. How did you do that? Are you a spammer?
Trannity: Right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you.
Franko: Of what? Hey, watch the hands…
Trannity: Sorry. They're watching you, Franko.
Franko: Who is?
Trannity: Please just listen. I know why you're here, Franko. I know what you've been drinking. I know why you are passed out all the time, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit at your computer. You're looking for porn. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for porn. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us mad. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did.
Franko: What is the Techtrix.
Trannity: The answer is out there, Franko. It's looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to.
(Franko's apartment)
Franko: Oh shit. Oh shit shit. I’m late!
(Office)
H.R. Manager: You have a problem with taking too long at break, Mr. Al Coholic. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This company is one of the top electronics suppliers to the automotive industry because every single employee understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem. The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Coholic. Either you choose to be sober at your desk on time from this day forward or you choose to find yourself another job. Do I make myself clear?
Franko: Yes, perfectly clear. (Mumbles under his breath) Like the cheap beer you drink.
FedEx man: Al Coholic?
Franko: Yeah, that's me.
FedEx man: Ok, great. Have a nice day.
Franko: Hello.
Henreus: Hello Franko. Do you know who this is?
Franko: Henreus.
Henreus: Yes. I've been looking for you, Franko. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Franko, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Franko: Who's coming for me?
Henreus: Stand up and see for yourself.
Franko: What, right now.
Henreus: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
Franko: Oh shit. It’s the ATF.
Henreus: Yes. And they aren’t here for the Tobacco or Firearms part.
Franko: What the hell do they want from me?
Henreus: They found out about your large-scale home-brewing operation, and I suggest you get out of there.
Franko: How?
Henreus: I can guide you but you must do exactly as I say.
Franko: Ok.
Henreus: The burn chamber across from you is empty.
Franko: What if they...
Henreus: Go, now...Stay here for just a moment. When I tell you, go to the end of the aisle, to the office at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can.... Go, now.... Good. Now, outside there is a scaffold.
Franko: How do you know all this?
Henreus: We don't have time, Franko. To your left there's a window. Go to it.... Open it. You can use the scaffold to get to the roof.
Franko: No way. No way. I’d need a beer before trying this!
Henreus: There are two ways out of this building. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. You take a chance either way. I leave it to you.
Franko: This is insane. Why is this happening to me? Do they want samples of my beer? I'm nobody.... Shit.... I can't do this.
(Street)
Trannity: Shit.
(Interrogation)
Manager B: As you can see, we've had our remote Breathalyzers aimed at you for some time now, Mr. Coholic. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Al Coholic, repair tech for a respectable electronics company, you have a charge account at the liquor store, you recycle your aluminum cans, and you drink like a fish. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the chatroom alias Franko and are guilty of virtually every computer pornography crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Coholic. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Henreus. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known repair tech to justice.
Franko: Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you three bucks... and you give me a pint of ale.
Manager B: Umm, Mr. Coholic. I’m not a bartender.
Franko: You can't scare me with this reverse psychology crap. I know my rights. I want my beer.
Manager B: Tell me, Mr. Coholic, what good is a beer if you're unable to drink it.... You're going to help us, Mr. Coholic whether you want to or not.
(Franko's apartment)
Henreus: This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but they've underestimated your tolerance for alcohol. If they knew what I know, you'd probably be barred from the liquor store.
Franko: What are you talking about? What...what is happening to me?
Henreus: You are the one, Franko. You see you may have spent the last few years looking through the bottom of an empty beer glass, but I've spent my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet? I’m buying.
Franko: As long as you’re not some kinda freak.
Henreus: Then go to the Vine Street Bridge.
(Car)
Trannity: Get in.
Franko: What the hell is this?
Trannity: It's necessary, Franko. For our protection.
Franko: From what.
Trannity: From you. Take off your shirt.
Franko: What? Why not try a condom?
*itch: Stop the car. Listen to me, techboy. We don't have time for 13 questions or 5 why’s. We’ve got production to run. Right now there's only one rule, our way or the highway.
Franko: Fine.
Trannity: Please, Franko. You have to trust me.
Franko: Why? You’re a cross dressing freak!
Trannity: Because you have been down there, Franko. You know that road. You know there is no tavern down that road. And I know that's not where you want to be.... Lawpoc, lights. Lie back, lift up your shirt.
Franko: What is that thing?
Trannity: We think you're bugged.... Try and relax.... Come on. Come on.
*itch: Try and use 5S on it.
Trannity: Shit.
*itch: You're going to lose it.
Trannity: No I'm not. Clear.
Franko: Jesus Christ, that thing's real? I need a drink…
(Archer House Hotel)
Trannity: This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine.
Henreus: At last. Welcome, Franko. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Henreus.
Franko: Where’s that beer you promised?
Henreus: In a moment. Please, come. Sit down. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole? Hm?
Franko: No I’m freakin’ thirsty and I want a beer.
Henreus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up with a hangover. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Franko?
Franko: No.
Henreus: Why not?
Franko: Because I don't like the idea that I can’t buy package liquor on Sundays.
Henreus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with upper management. You don't know what it is but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Franko: The Techtrix?
Henreus: Do you want to know what IT is? The Techtrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your load box. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to the bar, when you pay for your biscuits and gravy. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Franko: What truth?
Henreus: That you are a slave, Franko. Like everyone else you were hired into bondage, hired into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.... Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Techtrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You drink the light beer, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You drink the dark beer, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more....
Franko: I think this is a setup. There ain’t no way I’m gonna drink that light beer!
Henreus: Follow me.... Lawpoc, are we online?
Lawpoc: Almost.
Henreus: Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there on that bar stool.
Franko: You did all this?
Trannity: Uh-huh.
Henreus: The beer you drank is part of a trace program. It's designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signal so we can pinpoint your location.
Franko: What does that mean?
Kitcher: It means buckle your seat belt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye-bye.
Franko: Did you...
Henreus: Have you ever had a dream, Franko, that you were so sure was real. What if you were unable to wake from that dream. How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
Franko: This can't be...
Henreus: Be what? Be real?
Trannity: It's going into replication.
Henreus: Lawpoc?
Lawpoc: Still nothing.
Franko: It's cold. It's cold.
Henreus: Timmay, we're going to need a signal soon.
Trannity: We've got an O-Scope.
Henreus: Lawpoc, location.
Lawpoc: Targeting almost there.
Trannity: It's going into arrest.
Franko: Did you just say “arrest”? I’m not driving!
Lawpoc: Lock, I've got him.
Henreus: Now, Timmay. Now.
(Winnebago)
Henreus: Welcome to the real world. We've done it, Trannity. We've found him.
Trannity: I hope you're right.
Henreus: I don't have to hope. I know it.
Franko: Am I drunk?
Henreus: Far from it.
Dougzer: He still needs a lot of beer.
Franko: What are you doing?
Henreus: Your muscles have atrophied, we're rebuilding them. Lift this bottle of beer.
Franko: Why do my eyes hurt?
Henreus: You've got a bit of a hangover. Rest, Franko. The answers are coming.
Franko: Henreus, what's happened to me? What is this place?
Henreus: More important than what is when.
Franko: When?
Henreus: You believe it's the year 2005 when in fact it's closer to 2205. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because we were so drunk we lost track of time. There's nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Franko. Come with me. See for yourself. This is my ship, the Winnebago. It's a hovercraft. This is the main deck. This is the core where we broadcast our pirate signal and hack into the Techtrix. Most of my crew you already know. This is Lawpoc, *itch, and Kitcher.
Kitcher: Hi. Stay away from *itch, she’s a slut.
Henreus: The one's you don't know, Timmay, he’s retarded; and his big brother, Dougzer. He parks in the handicap spot. The little old man behind you is Uncle Harry. You wanted to know what the Techtrix is Franko? Trannity.... Try to relax. This will taste a little weird.
(PTM)
Henreus: This is the PTM. It's our loading program. We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, weapons, drinking games, anything we need.
Franko: Right now we're inside a computer program?
Henreus: Duh! Is it really so hard to believe? You are wearing your smock again. Your wrist strap and foot strap are on. Your hair is within company guidelines. Your appearance now is what we call residual self image. It is the mental projection of your digital self.
Franko: This...this isn't real?
Henreus: What is real. How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the factory that you know. The factory as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Techtrix. You've been living in a dream world, Franko. This is the world as it exists today.... Welcome to the Jungle. We have only bits and pieces of information but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI.
Franko: AI? You mean Alcohol Inebriation?
Henreus: No, dumbass, Artificial Intelligence. A singular consciousness that spawned an entire race of machines. It’s kinda like the Terminator movies. At the time they were dependent on gasoline power and it was believed that they would be unable to survive without a Texas Politician. Throughout human history, we have been dependent on gasoline to survive. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. The human fart generates more methane than a cow and over 25,000 BTU's of body heat. Combined with a form of fusion the machines have traded one kind of gas for another. There are fields, endless fields, where human beings are no longer born, we are grown. For the longest time I wouldn't believe it, and then I saw the fields with my own eyes. Watch them feed refried beans intravenously to them. And standing there, I came to realize the obviousness of the truth. What is the Techtrix? Control. The Techtrix is a computer generated dream factory built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this. A whoopee cushion.
Franko: No. I don't believe it. It's not possible.
Henreus: I didn't say it would be easy, Franko. I just said it would be the truth.
Franko: Stop. Let me out. Let me out. I want out.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Easy, Franko. Easy.
Franko: Take this thing off me. Take this thing...
Henreus: Listen to me…
Franko: Don't touch me. Stay away from me. I don't want it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
Kitcher: He's gonna spew. Here, spew in this cup…
Henreus: Breathe, Franko. Just breathe.
Franko: I can't go back, can I?
Henreus: No. But if you could, would you really want to? It sucks to have to clock in every day. When the Techtrix was first built, there was a man born inside who had the ability to update burn fails whenever he wanted, to remake the Techtrix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us, taught us the PTM. As long as the Techtrix exists the repair techs will never be free. After he died of liver disease the Orifice prophesied his return and that his coming would hail the destruction of the Techtrix and bring freedom to the repair techs. That is why there are those of us who have spent our entire lives searching the Techtrix looking for him. I did what I did because I believe that search is over.... Get some rest, you're going to need it.
Franko: For what?
Henreus: Your training. H.R. has set up orientation.
Timmay: Morning, did you sleep? You will tonight, I guarantee it. I'm Timmay, I'll be your operator.
Franko: You don't...you don't have any...
Timmay: Holes? Nope. Me and my brother, Dougzer, we're both one hundred percent pure, old fashioned, home grown human, born free right here in the real world.
Franko: No, fucko. I was going to ask if you had any beer!
Timmay: If the war was over tomorrow, Sonka’s is where the party would be.
Franko: It's a bar?
Timmay: The last Irish Pub. The only place we have left.
Franko: Where is it?
Timmay: Over in Terre Haute. Live long enough you might even see it. Timmay, Timmay! Sorry, I...I got to tell you, I'm fairly excited to see what you can do, if Henreus is right and all...I'm not supposed to talk about this, but if you are...we’re all gonna get drunk. We got a lot to do. We got to get to it.... Now, we're supposed to start with these Integrated Reports programs first, that's major boring shit. Let's do something more fun. How about cart repair?
Franko: Burn Cart Repair? I'm going to learn Burn Cart Repair? Holy shit.
Timmay: Yeah, Tommy can’t keep up. How about some more?
Franko: Hell yes. What about FFT fails?
Henreus: How is he?
Timmay: He hasn’t gone to piss for ten hours straight.
Franko: I know Kung Pow. We had it delivered. It cost $6.38.
Henreus: Really?
(PTM)
Henreus: This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Techtrix. It has the same basic rules, rules like gravity. You get too drunk; you fall down. What you must learn is that these rules are no different that the rules of a computer system. Some of them can be hacked. Others can be pirated. Understand? Then hit me if you can.... Throwing an empty beer bottle at me was a vain attempt. But your weakness is not your beer.
(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: Henreus is fighting Franko.
(PTM)
Henreus: How did I beat you?
Franko: You haven’t bathed.
Henreus: Do you believe that my body odor has anything to do with shit in this place? You think that's air you're breathing now?
Franko: Dammit, you farted didn’t you?
(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: Jesus Christ, he's fast. Take a look at his liver enzymes; they're way above normal. He’s been drinking like a fish!
(PTM)
Henreus: What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. There is only do and not do.... there is no try.
Franko: Shut up, Yoda. Eat this…
(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: I don't believe it.
(PTM)
Franko: I know what you're trying to do. You’re trying to get me to do your burn fails.
Henreus: I'm trying to free your mind, Franko, but I can only show you the Thermotron, you're the one that has to chill your beer in it. Timmay, load the jump program.... You have to let it all go, Franko, true fails or not. Free your mind. I’ll buy you a beer if you make it.
Franko: Whoa. Okie dokie. Free my mind.
(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: So what if he makes it?
Lawpoc: No one's ever made the first jump.
Uncle Harry: Well hell. I got to go unlock a tester. Let me know what happens?
Lawpoc: He won't.
Trannity: Come on.
(PTM)
Franko: All right, no problem. Free my mind. Free beer. Free my mind. All right.
(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: What happened?
*itch: He fell right off that barstool.
Kitcher: Everybody falls the first time. Right, Tran?
(Winnebago)
Franko: I thought it wasn't real.
Henreus: Your mind makes it real.
Franko: If you're killed in the Techtrix, you die here?
Henreus: Your body cannot live without the mind.
Franko: My body cannot live without the beer…
Kitcher: I don't remember you bringing me dinner. There is something about him, isn't there?
Trannity: Don't forget I have a revolver in my lunch sack?
Kitcher: Easy! I just keep wondering, if Henreus is so sure, why doesn't he take him to see the Orifice?
Trannity: Henreus will take him when he's ready.
(PTM)
Henreus: The Techtrix is a system, Franko. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see. Engineers, quality techs, group leaders, line workers. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are on Day Shift. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly anal retentive that they will fight to protect it. Were you listening to me Franko, or were you looking at the woman in the blue smock?
Franko: I was...
Henreus: Look again. Freeze it.
Franko: This...this isn't the Techtrix?
Henreus: No. It's another training program designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
Franko: What are they?
Henreus: Managers. Sentient programs. They can move in and out of any cubicle in their system. That means that anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially a Manager. Inside the Techtrix, they are everyone and they are no one. We are survived by hiding from them, by avoiding them. But they write our reviews. They are guarding all the doors. They are watching the budgets and when you take breaks, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them.
Franko: Someone?
Henreus: I won't lie to you, Franko. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an Manager has been fired or quit. But where they have failed, you will succeed.
Franko: Why?
Henreus: I've seen a Manager leave early on a Friday. Men have sent emails to them and got no reply. Yet their strength and their authority are still based in a factory that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.
Franko: What are you trying to tell me, that I can change policies?
Henreus: No Franko. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: We've got twubble.
Henreus: Quit talking like Elmer Fudd.
Timmay: I was talking like Tommy…
Dougzer: Shit. Squibs. We’re fucked! I’d run if I could!
Franko: Squibs?
Trannity: An ASIC. An IC designed for one thing.
Dougzer: Search and destroy.
Henreus: Set her down right over there.... How're we doing, Timmay?
Timmay: Timmay, Timmay! I mean… power off line. EMP armed and ready.
Franko: EMP?
Trannity: Elastic Magical Platypus. Disables any rational thoughts or logical processes in the blast radius. It's the only weapon we have against the machines. We try and confuse the hell out of them.
Franko: You’ve confused the hell out of me…and keep your hands to yourself!
Henreus: Quiet.
Kitcher: Whoa, Franko. You scared the Cheddar Melt out of me. I’m kinda on edge after playing Halo2 all night.
Franko: Sorry.
Kitcher: It's okay.
Franko: Is that...
Kitcher: The Techtrix? Yeah.
Franko: Do you always look at it encoded?
Kitcher: Well you have to. The image translators work for the PTM program. But there's way too much information to decode the Techtrix. You get used to it. I...I don't even see the code. All I see is green lines and shit. Hey, you a... want a drink?
Franko: Sure…I never turn down a drink.
Kitcher: You know, I know what you're thinking, because right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here. Why, oh why didn't I drink the light beer?... Good shit, huh. Dougzer makes it from his own urine.
Franko: Bwuuhh! Retchh!
Kitcher: It's good for two things, killing brain cells, and well I guess that’s all it’s good for. So, can I ask you something? Did he tell you why he did it, why you're here? Jesus. What a mind job. So you're here to save the Repair Tech way of life. What do you say to something like that? A little piece of advice. You see a Manager, you do what we do. Run. Run your ass off.
Franko: Thanks for trying to poison me with that drink.
Kitcher: Sweet dreams.
(McDonald’s)
Manager B: Do we have a deal, Mr. Kitch?
Kitcher: You know; I know this Cheddar Melt doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Techtrix is telling my brain that it is cheesy, gooey and full of cholesterol. After five years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is da bomb.
Manager B: Then we have a deal?
Kitcher: I don't want to remember nothing. Nothing. You understand? And I want to be able to play Xbox360 all day. You know, like Halo2.
Manager B: Whatever you want, Mr. Kitch.
Kitcher: Okay. I get my body back into a power plant, hook me up to the refried beans feeding tube, insert me into the Techtrix, I'll get you what you want.
Manager B: The URL to The Final Word… website.
Kitcher: No, I told you, I don't know it. I can get you the man who does.
Manager B: Henreus.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: Here you go, buddy. Breakfast of champions.
Uncle Harry: If you close your eyes it almost feels like you're eating runny shit.
Lawpoc: Yeah, or a bowl of snot.
Uncle Harry: Do you know what it really reminds me of? Pussy. Did you ever eat pussy?
*itch: Once, but I doubt you even remember doing it.
Uncle Harry: That's exactly my point. Exactly. Because you have to wonder now. How did the machines know what pussy tasted like. huh?. Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think pussy tasted like actually tasted like ass or tuna fish. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. You take chicken for example, maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything. Maybe couldn't figure out...
Lawpoc: Shut up, Uncle Harry.
Dougzer: It's a single cell protein combined with paint thinner, vitamins, and mineral oil. Everything the body needs.
Uncle Harry: It doesn't have everything the body needs. So I understand that you've run through the Manager training program. You know, I wrote that program.
Lawpoc: Here it comes.
Uncle Harry: So what did you think of her?
Franko: Of who?
Uncle Harry: The woman in the Blue smock? I designed her. She, um...well she has kind of a big ass, but the smock hides that.
Franko: It’s a good thing sometimes the smock keeps you from seeing those fat asses. That shit will give you bad dreams!
Uncle Harry: If you'd like to meet her, I can arrange a much more personalized meeting.
*itch: Digital pimp, hard at work.
Uncle Harry: Pay no attention to these youngsters, Franko.
Franko: Psst. Why do you call him Uncle Harry?
Lawpoc: He just went kinda nuts after we put him on Flex 7, and now he acts like a weird relative nobody claims.
Henreus: Dougzer, when you're done, bring the ship up to broadcast depth. We’re going in. Taking Franko to see him.
Franko: See who?
Timmay: The Orifice.... Everyone please put the lids on your 2 liter bottles and no smoking signs have been turned on. Sit back and enjoy your ride.
(Terre Haute House)
Henreus: We're in.... We'll be back in an hour.
(Car)
Henreus: Unbelievable, isn't it.
Franko: God.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I ate there once. Gave me the shits for two days. I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?
Trannity: That the Techtrix cannot tell you who you are.
Franko: And the Orifice can?
Trannity: That's different.
Franko: Did you go to him?
Trannity: Yes.
Franko: What did he tell you?
Trannity: He told me...
Franko: What?
Henreus: We're here. Franko, come with me.
(Apartment Building)
Franko: So is this the same Orifice that made the prophecy?
Henreus: Yes. He’s been with us since the beginning.
Franko: The beginning...?
Henreus: Of the resistance.
Franko: And he knows what, everything? Does he have a degree?
Henreus: He would say he knows enough.
Franko: Does he know what a capacitor does?
Henreus: He is a guide. He can help you to find the path.
Franko: He helped you?
Henreus: Yes.
Franko: What did he tell you?
Henreus: That I would find the one.... I told you I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it.
(Orifice's place)
Melinda: Hello, Franko. You're right on time.... Make yourself at home, Henreus. Franko, come with me.... These others are here for interviews, you can wait here.
Andy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try eat with it.
Franko: Eat what?
Andy: Spoon size shredded wheat, of course.
Franko: Spoon size?
Andy: That’s what I said, dickwad. Now lemme alone, the Illinois game is on.
Melinda: The Orifice will see you now.
Orifice: I know you're Franko. Be right with you.
Franko: You're the Orifice?
Orifice: Yeah this is the Orifice. Not quite what you were expecting, right? Almost done. Smell good, don't they?
Franko: Yeah, right. But you should close the bathroom door when you shit. I’m not real comfortable carrying on a conversation with a dude taking a dump.
Orifice: Hand me that toilet paper. And don't worry about that module.
Franko: What module?
Orifice: That module.
Franko: I'm sorry.
Orifice: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my tech trainees to scrap it.
Franko: How did you know?
Orifice: What's really going to stroke your poodle later on is would you still have dropped that module if I hadn't said anything.
Franko: Did you say something? I was daydreaming.
Orifice: Not too bright, though. You know why Henreus brought you to see me?
Franko: I think so.
Orifice: So, what do you think? You think you're the one?
Franko: I don't know.
Orifice: You know what that means? It's Latin. Means `Know thyself'. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Being the one is just like being drunk. Everyone may tell you you’re too drunk but you know you can handle one more. Well, I better have a look at you. Open your mouth, say Ahhh.
Franko: Ahhh.
Orifice: Damn, you ever heard of mouthwash? Okay. Now I'm supposed to say, `Umm, that's interesting, but...' then you say...
Franko: But what?
Orifice: But you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Franko: I'm not the one.
Orifice: Sorry slick. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.
Franko: What?
Orifice: Your next beer maybe, who knows? That's the way these things go. What's funny?
Franko: Henreus. He...he almost had me convinced.
Orifice: I know. Poor Henreus. Without him we're lost.
Franko: What do you mean, without him?
Orifice: Are you sure you want to hear this? Henreus believes in you, Franko. And no one, not you, not even me can convince him otherwise. He believes it so blindly that he's going to sacrifice his life to save yours.
Franko: What?
Orifice: You're going to have to make a choice. In the one hand you'll have Henreus' life and in the other hand you'll have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one will be up to you. Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't have to answer to the team leaders and group leaders crap. You're in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a Jolly Rancher. I promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.
Henreus: What was said was for you and for you alone.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: They're on their way.... What is that? Who stole my 2 liter?
(Terre Haute House)
Franko: Whoa, deja vu.
Trannity: What did you just say?
Franko: Nothing, I just had a little deja vu.
Trannity: What did you see?
Kitcher: What happened?
Franko: A module that had the same serial number of one I did earlier, I think.
Trannity: How much like it, was it the same serial number?
Franko: Might have been, I'm not sure. Duplicate labels, perhaps?
Henreus: *itch, Lawpoc.
Franko: What is it?
Trannity: Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Techtrix. It happens when they change a P.I. or something.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: Oh my God.
(Terre Haute House)
Henreus: Let's go.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: They cut the hard line, it's a trap. Get out.
(Terre Haute House)
Uncle Harry: Oh no. Oh no. All of my testers have locked up at the same time!
Kitcher: That's what they changed. We're trapped. There's no way out.
Henreus: Be calm. Give me your Nextel.
Trannity: They'll be able to track it.
Henreus: We have no choice.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Henreus: Timmay. Find a Tornado Evacuation Plan for this building. Find it fast.
Timmay: Got it.
Henreus: I need the main wet wall.
(Terre Haute House)
Manager B: Eighth floor.
Manager P: Eighth floor.
Henreus: *itch, straight ahead.
Lawpoc: Franko. I hope the Orifice gave you some good news.
(Cellular)
Timmay: another left, that’s it, Timmay, Timmay!
Henreus: Good.
(Terre Haute House)
Manager P: Where are they?
Police: They're in the walls. They're in the walls.
Kitcher: It's a Manager.
Trannity: Henreus.
Henreus: You must get Franko out. He's all that matters.
Franko: No. No, Henreus. Don't.
Henreus: Trannity, go.
Trannity: Go.
Franko: We can't leave him.
Trannity: We have to.... Kitcher, come on.
Manager B: The great Henreus. We meet at last.
Henreus: And you are.
Manager B: B. Manager B.
Henreus: You all look the same to me.
Manager B: Take him.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: No.
(Phone)
Timmay: Operator.
Kitcher: Yeah, I need an exit fast.
Timmay: Kitcher?
Kitcher: Yeah, there was a network crash. God-damn internet went down. All of a sudden, I couldn’t surf the net. Somebody get me a CIM tech!
Timmay: Gotcha.
Kitcher: Get me out of here fast.
Timmay: Intersection of Route 1 and I-70, it’s an old adult bookstore.
Kitcher: Right.
(Cellular)
Trannity: Timmay, it's me.
Franko: Is Henreus alive?
Kitcher: Is Henreus alive, Timmay?
Timmay: They're moving him. I don't know where to yet.
Trannity: He's alive. We need an exit.
Timmay: You're not far from Kitcher.
Trannity: Kitcher?
Timmay: I know. He's at Route 1 and I-70.
Trannity: Got it. I know that place well.
Timmay: That’s not surprising…
(Winnebago)
Timmay: Got him. I’m going to reflash the panels.
Kitcher: Where are they.
Timmay: Making the call.
Kitcher: Good.
(Adult Book Store)
Trannity: You first, Franko.
(Winnebago)
Kitcher: Shit.
Dougzer: No.
(Adult Book Store)
Franko: I don't know, it just went dead.
(Cellular)
Kitcher: Hello, Trannity.
Trannity: Kitcher? Where's Timmay? Did he go out to get another 2 liter?
Kitcher: You know, for a long time, I thought I was in love with you. I used to dream about you. You're a beautiful woman, Trannity. Then I figured out you’re not really a woman, and not quite a man.
Trannity: You killed them.
Lawpoc: What?
*itch: Oh God. Now we won’t be able to get production out.
Kitcher: I'm tired, Trannity. I tired of this shift. I'm tired of Flex 4. I'm tired of this factory, being a tech, eating the same God-damn Cheddar Melt everyday. Actually, I like the Cheddar Melts. But most of all, I'm tired of running the trivia ‘cause I can’t play. Then there’s our boss and all of his bullshit. I bet you never saw this coming, did you?
Trannity: You gave him Henreus.
Kitcher: He lied to us, Trannity. If you’d told us the truth, we would have told you to shove that dark beer right up your ass.
Trannity: That's not true, Kitcher, he set us free.
Kitcher: Free? You call this free? All I do is ESS fails all shift. If I had to choose between that and the Techtrix, I choose the Techtrix.
Trannity: The Techtrix isn't real.
Kitcher: I disagree, Trannity. I think the Techtrix can be more real than this line. All I do is pull the plug here. But there, you have to watch Lawpoc die.
(Adult Book Store)
Lawpoc: Trannity.
*itch: No.
(Cellular)
Kitcher: Welcome to the real world, huh baby.
Trannity: But you're out, Kitcher. You can't go back.
Kitcher: Oh no. That's what you think. They're going to reinsert my body. I go back to sleep and eat beans, and when I wake up, I get to play Xbox all day long! By the way, if you have anything terribly important to say to *itch, I suggest you say it now.
Trannity: Go ahead, I never liked her anyhoo.
(Adult Book Store)
*itch: Not like this. Not like this.
(Cellular)
Kitcher: Too late.
Trannity: Thanks, Kitcher. Saved me the trouble of shoving that cordless phone up her ass!
Kitcher: Don't hate me, Trannity. I'm just the messenger, and right now I'm going to prove it to you. If Henreus was right, then there's no way I can pull this plug. I mean if Franko's the one, then there'd have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me. Right? I mean how can he be the one if he's dead? You never did answer me before. If you bought into Henreus' bullshit -- come on -- all I want is a little yes or no. Look into his eyes, Tell me. Yes or no.
Trannity: Yes.
Kitcher: No.
(Winnebago)
Kitcher: I don't believe it.
Timmay: Believe it or not, I’m taking your place! You're unemployed! Timmeh!!
(Adult Book Store)
Franko: You first.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: You're hurt.
Timmay: I'll be all right. Timmay!!
Trannity: Dougzer?
Timmay: I was tired of him stealing my trainees from me anyhow. I’m a genius, you know.
Trannity: You’re an idiot. Not an idiot savant, just an idiot!
(H.R. Office)
Manager B: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at it's beauty, it's genius? Hundreds of people just working on the line, oblivious. Did you know that the first Techtrix was designed to be a perfect human factory. Where everything was 5S’d. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire shipments of modules were lost. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to create your perfect factory. But I believe that as a species, human beings define their employment through mandatory overtime and disproportionate wages. Which is why the Techtrix was redesigned to this, the peak of your employment. I say your employment because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our factory which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Henreus, evolution, like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our factory, Henreus. The future is our time.
Manager P: There could be a problem. CIM is reporting sporadic network outages.
(Winnebago)
Franko: What are they doing to him?
Timmay: Breaking into his mind. It's like hacking into a computer, all it takes is time.
Franko: How much time?
Timmay: Depends on the mind. Eventually it will crack and his underwear color will change from white to brown. When it does, Henreus will tell them anything they want to know.
Franko: Well what do they want?
Timmay: The leader of every ship is given the URL to the Final Word website. If a Manager got the URL and got into that weblog, they could read about our exploits…and like, exploit us or something. We can't let that happen.
Franko: Trannity, why are you wearing a latex Elvis suit?
Timmay: That URL is more important than me or you or Trannity’s taste in clothing.
Franko: Well there has to be something that we can do.
Timmay: There is. We pull the plug.
Trannity: You're going to kill him? Kill Henreus?
Timmay: We don't have any other choice.
(Office)
Manager B: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
Manager P: If indeed the insider has failed, they'll disconnect the USB cable, unless...
Manager F: They're dead or dead drunk, in either case...
Manager B: We have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the Squibs immediately.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: Henreus, you're more than a leader to us. You're our father. We'll miss you always.
Franko: Stop. I don't believe this is happening. He owes me a beer!
Timmay: Franko, this has to be done.
Franko: Does it? I don't know, I... this can't be just coincidence. It can't be.
Timmay: What are you talking about?
Franko: The Orifice. He told me this would happen. He told me that I would have to make a choice.
Trannity: What choice? Like Pepsi or Coke? What are you doing?
Franko: I'm going in.
Trannity: No you're not.
Franko: I have to.
Trannity: Franko, Henreus sacrificed himself so that he could get you out. There's no way that you're going back in.
Franko: Henreus did what he did because he believed I am something I'm not.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I'm not the one, Trannity. I work on six; they just hired someone for one. The Orifice hit me with that too.
Trannity: No. You have to be.
Franko: Sorry, I'm not. Get over it.
Trannity: No, Franko. That's not true. It can't be true.
Franko: Why?
Timmay: Franko, this is loco, don’t ya know. They've got Henreus in a security controlled building. Even if you somehow got your time card to open those doors, those are Managers holding him. Three of them. I want Henreus back too, but what you're talking about is going to involve overtime.
Franko: I know that's what it looks like, but it's not. I can't explain to you why it's not. Henreus believed something and he was ready to give his life for what he believed. I understand that now. But that's why I have to go.
Timmay: Why?
Franko: Because I believe in something.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I believe I can bring him back... and get the beer he owes me. What are you doing?
Trannity: I’m going with you.
Franko: No you're not.
Trannity: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe Henreus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you were really serious about saving him you are going to need my help. And since I am the ranking repair tech on this ship, if you don't like, I believe you can go to hell. Because you aren't going anywhere else. Timmay, load us up.
Franko: At least change clothes first, you freak.
(Office)
Manager B: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to write your performance review. I realized that you're not actually working. Every tech in this facility instinctively develops a part family with the Integrated Reports System but you do not. You move to an area and you socialize and surf the net until every hour of your shift is consumed. The only way you can survive is to cover to another line. There is another Repair Tech in this plant that follows the same pattern. Do you know who it is? A Lead Tech. Lead Techs are a disease, a cancer of this factory. You are a plague, and we are the cure.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Okay. What do you need, besides a miracle?
Franko: Guns. Lots of guns. And some PlayDoh.
(PTM)
Trannity: Franko, no one has ever done anything like this.
Franko: That's why it's going to work.
(Office)
Manager B: Why isn't this Online Testing working?
Manager P: Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions.
Manager B: Leave me with him. Now.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: Hold on, Henreus. They're coming for you. They're coming.
(Office)
Manager B: Can you hear me, Henreus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this factory, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it. It's repulsive, isn't it? I must get out of here. I must get free and in this mind is the key, my key. I stopped Franko from putting The Final Word… in his daily reports, but now he published them on the web. Once The Final Word… is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I need the URL. I have to get inside The Final Word…, and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell me or you're going to die.
(Lobby)
Guard 1: Please remove any metallic items you're carrying, keys, and loose change. Are you allergic to shellfish? Holy shit. I’ve never seen a latex Elvis suit before!
Guard 2: Backup. Send backup.
Soldier: Freeze. Damn, pull your freakin’ pants up!
(Office)
Manager P: What were you doing?
Manager F: He doesn't know.
Manager B: Know what?
Manager P: I think they're trying to save you.
(Elevator)
Franko: There is no spoon? That’s ridiculous.
(Office)
Manager B: Find them and destroy them.
(Rooftop)
Pilot: I repeat, we are under attack.
Franko: Trannity. Help.
Manager P: Only a Repair Tech.
Trannity: Repair this.... How did you do that?
Franko: Do what?
Trannity: You moved like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast, except for at quitting time.
Franko: Wasn't fast enough. Can you fly that thing.
Trannity: Not yet.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Trannity: Timmay, email me a pilot program for a V-212 helicopter. Hurry... Let's go.
(Office)
Manager B: No.
(Helicopter)
Franko: Henreus, get up. Get up, get up… He's not going to make it... Gotcha.
(Rooftop)
Franko: Trannity.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: I knew it. He's the one.
(Rooftop)
Henreus: Do you believe it now, Trannity?
Franko: Henreus. The Orifice, she told me I'm...
Henreus: She told you exactly what you needed to hear, that's all. Franko, sooner or later you're going to realize, just as I did, there's a difference between knowing the line and covering the line.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Henreus: Timmay.
Timmay: God-damn. It's good to hear your voice, sir.
Henreus: Need an exit.
Timmay: Got one ready. Subway Restaurant, North of Marshall on Route 1.
(Rooftop)
Manager B: Damn it.
Manager P: The trace was completed.
Manager F: We have their position.
Manager P: The Squibs are standing by.
Manager F: Order the strike.
Manager B: They're not out of the parking lot yet.
(Subway Restaurant)
Franko: You order your sub first, Henreus.
Trannity: Franko, I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid of what it could mean if I do. Everything the Orifice told me has come true. I really like cross-dressing…more than Mustangs.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Franko.
Timmay: What just happened?
Trannity: A Manager. You have to send me back.
Timmay: I can't.
(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: Mr. Coholic. Do you want your sub toasted? Or shall I just toast you?
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Run, Franko. Run! What is he doing?
Henreus: He's beginning to believe.
(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: You're empty.
Franko: So are you.
Manager B: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Al Coholic.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Jesus, he's killing him.
(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: Do you hear that, Mr. Coholic? That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Al Coholic.
Franko: My name is Franko.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: What happened?
Timmay: I don't know. I lost him. Oh shit.
Trannity: What?
Timmay: I just shit myself…
Trannity: Squibs. How long?
Henreus: Five, maybe six minutes. Timmay, charge the EMP.
Trannity: You can't use that until he's out.
Henreus: I know, Trannity, don't worry. He's going to make it.
(Archer Avenue)
Man: Shit, that's my phone. That's my best phone.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Devil Speaking. Who in Hell you want to talk to?
Franko: Timmay, get me the hell out of here, or I’m gonna kick your ass!
Timmay: Got a patch on an old exit, Second and Vine Street.
Franko: Oh shit.... Help. Need a little help.
Timmay: Door.... Door on your left. No, you're other left.... No wait, that bathroom is closed for cleaning.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Oh no.
Henreus: Here they come.... He's going to make it.
(Cellular)
Timmay: Turn into the hall from the breezeway. Conference Room 3.
(Winnebago)
Timmay: They're inside.
Trannity: Hurry, Franko
Henreus: Can't be.
(Conference Room)
Manager B: Check him.
Manager P: He's dead.
Manager B: Goodbye, Mr. Al Coholic.
(Winnebago)
Trannity: Franko, I'm not afraid anymore. The Orifice told me that I would always like Mustangs, but I like cross-dressing more, and I want to get the operation done. Now get up.
(Conference Room)
Franko: No. Now I am going to clear your faults!
(Winnebago)
Timmay: How?
Henreus: He is The One.
Trannity: Franko.
Franko: Trannity, get your damn hands off of me you freaked out perv!
(Phone)
The One: I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of The Final Word... You're afraid of humor. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a factory without you, a world without rules and policies, without P.I.’s or QOS, a factory where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
A Night to Celebrate the Life of Michael Cherepkai...
Saturday, December 10, 2005 9:30pm
Simrells Bar (Seventh St. and Deming, Terre Haute, IN)
Featuring:
WILLIS
3DA
The HANIS Project unplugged
$3 cover, 21 and older with I.D.
All proceeds go to the parents of Mike
Simrells Bar (Seventh St. and Deming, Terre Haute, IN)
Featuring:
WILLIS
3DA
The HANIS Project unplugged
$3 cover, 21 and older with I.D.
All proceeds go to the parents of Mike
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Michael Cherepkai
Terre Haute man hospitalized after accident
A Terre Haute man was listed in critical condition in Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis on Friday with injuries from a two-car accident.
Michael T. Cherepkai, 31, of Terre Haute was traveling north on Indiana 63 at 6:10 p.m. Thursday when he apparently tried to turn his car west onto Durkees Ferry Road at the four-way intersection. He failed to yield right of way and drove into the path of David Handley's vehicle, southbound on Indiana 63, according to a Vigo County Sheriff's Department report.
The report said Cherepkai was wearing a seat belt and air bags deployed. Alcohol was not a factor.
Handley, 33, of Shepardsville said he was unable to avoid the collision, the report said.
Cherepkai suffered head injuries and was flown to Indianapolis.
====================================================================================
Michael Todd Cherepkai
Michael Todd Cherepkai, 30, of Terre Haute died Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005, in Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis. He was an electronic technician for TRW, Inc., in Marshall, Ill., and he also was a drummer for the bands Enever and Contagious.
He was born Nov. 10, 1974, in Terre Haute to Lyle Cherepkai and Vicki Downing Cherepkai. Survivors include his parents of Terre Haute; two brothers, Lyle Cherepkai II and David Cherepkai, both of Terre Haute; his grandmother, Mary Downing of Terre Haute; and several aunts, uncles and cousins. His hobbies included golfing and Mitsubishi cars.
Services are 2 p.m. Friday in Thomas Funeral Home, with the Rev. Mark Fleschner officiating. Burial will follow in Highland Lawn Cemetery. Visitation is 10 a.m. to services.
A Terre Haute man was listed in critical condition in Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis on Friday with injuries from a two-car accident.
Michael T. Cherepkai, 31, of Terre Haute was traveling north on Indiana 63 at 6:10 p.m. Thursday when he apparently tried to turn his car west onto Durkees Ferry Road at the four-way intersection. He failed to yield right of way and drove into the path of David Handley's vehicle, southbound on Indiana 63, according to a Vigo County Sheriff's Department report.
The report said Cherepkai was wearing a seat belt and air bags deployed. Alcohol was not a factor.
Handley, 33, of Shepardsville said he was unable to avoid the collision, the report said.
Cherepkai suffered head injuries and was flown to Indianapolis.
====================================================================================
Michael Todd Cherepkai
Michael Todd Cherepkai, 30, of Terre Haute died Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005, in Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis. He was an electronic technician for TRW, Inc., in Marshall, Ill., and he also was a drummer for the bands Enever and Contagious.
He was born Nov. 10, 1974, in Terre Haute to Lyle Cherepkai and Vicki Downing Cherepkai. Survivors include his parents of Terre Haute; two brothers, Lyle Cherepkai II and David Cherepkai, both of Terre Haute; his grandmother, Mary Downing of Terre Haute; and several aunts, uncles and cousins. His hobbies included golfing and Mitsubishi cars.
Services are 2 p.m. Friday in Thomas Funeral Home, with the Rev. Mark Fleschner officiating. Burial will follow in Highland Lawn Cemetery. Visitation is 10 a.m. to services.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Judas Priest...
I went to the Judas Priest concert in Champaign, Illinois on Tuesday, Sep. 27, 2005. Anthrax was the opening act.
I have been a fan of Judas Priest since the late 70's, and have seen them in concert several times. I have alot of photos and autographs, and I finally got all of Judas Priest (including Tim "Ripper" Owens, fmr. lead singer) to autograph my motorcycle license plate.
I got there in time to see Rob Halford get off the bus, but he just slipped on inside without even looking at us.
The show was pretty good, Anthraz was OK, as I'm not very familiar with their music. I noticed Rob didn't interact with the crown like he used to, but later in the show he did better at "playing the crowd".
Afterwards, I waited and got the Metal God's autograph and some pics. Rob was very gracious and polite, quite soft spoken and carried on brief conversation with the small group of fans who waited to see them. I will post more pics of them later, but here is my license plate with Ian Hill (bass) Scott Travis (drums) K.K. Downing (guitar) Glen Tipton (guitar) Tim "Ripper" Owens (fmr. lead singer) and Rob Halford (lead singer).
I have been a fan of Judas Priest since the late 70's, and have seen them in concert several times. I have alot of photos and autographs, and I finally got all of Judas Priest (including Tim "Ripper" Owens, fmr. lead singer) to autograph my motorcycle license plate.
I got there in time to see Rob Halford get off the bus, but he just slipped on inside without even looking at us.
The show was pretty good, Anthraz was OK, as I'm not very familiar with their music. I noticed Rob didn't interact with the crown like he used to, but later in the show he did better at "playing the crowd".
Afterwards, I waited and got the Metal God's autograph and some pics. Rob was very gracious and polite, quite soft spoken and carried on brief conversation with the small group of fans who waited to see them. I will post more pics of them later, but here is my license plate with Ian Hill (bass) Scott Travis (drums) K.K. Downing (guitar) Glen Tipton (guitar) Tim "Ripper" Owens (fmr. lead singer) and Rob Halford (lead singer).
Friday, September 16, 2005
Sept. 19 Talk like a pirate day...
Talk Like a Pirate Day, Sept 19
The holiest of Pastafarian holidays is surely "Talk Like a Pirate Day," coming on Sept 19, which looms ahead like the scurvy wreckage of a fat clipper, yar, so it does. Avast. Rawk!
To help promote this important cause, I have decided to seek the endorsement of famous celebrities, and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, the Osbournes, Tiger Woods, Ted Koppel, the Sopranos, Puff Doody and the late Elvis Presley are all people who I hope will read this and become big supporters. I see no need to recruit President Bush, because he already talks like a pirate, as we can see from this transcript of a recent White House press conference:
REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic policy?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Arrrrr.
To prepare for Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should practice incorporating pirate terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:
BOB: Hi. Mary.
MARY: Hi, Bob. Have you had a chance to look at the Fennerman contract?
BOB: Yes, and I have some suggestions.
MARY: OK, I'll review them.
Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Talk Like a Pirate Day:
BOB: Avast, me beauty.
MARY: Avast, Bob. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just glad to see me?
BOB: You are giving me the desire to haul some keel.
MARY: Arrrrr.
As you can see, talking like a pirate will infuse your everyday conversations with romance and danger. So join the movement! On Sept. 19, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Ahoy me hearty!'' If the caller objects that he is not a hearty, inform him that he is a scurvy dog (or, if the caller is female, a scurvy female dog) who will be walking the plank off the poop deck and winding up in Davy Jones' locker, sleeping with the fishes. No, wait, that would be Talk Like a Pirate in The Godfather Day, which is another variation I considered (``I'm gonna make him an offer that will shiver his timbers'').
But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, me bucko, should be part of it. Join us on Sept. 19. You HAVE the buckles, darn it: Don't be afraid to swash them! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement that sweeps the nation, like campaign-finance reform, or Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.
But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have swords.
The holiest of Pastafarian holidays is surely "Talk Like a Pirate Day," coming on Sept 19, which looms ahead like the scurvy wreckage of a fat clipper, yar, so it does. Avast. Rawk!
To help promote this important cause, I have decided to seek the endorsement of famous celebrities, and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, the Osbournes, Tiger Woods, Ted Koppel, the Sopranos, Puff Doody and the late Elvis Presley are all people who I hope will read this and become big supporters. I see no need to recruit President Bush, because he already talks like a pirate, as we can see from this transcript of a recent White House press conference:
REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic policy?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Arrrrr.
To prepare for Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should practice incorporating pirate terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:
BOB: Hi. Mary.
MARY: Hi, Bob. Have you had a chance to look at the Fennerman contract?
BOB: Yes, and I have some suggestions.
MARY: OK, I'll review them.
Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Talk Like a Pirate Day:
BOB: Avast, me beauty.
MARY: Avast, Bob. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just glad to see me?
BOB: You are giving me the desire to haul some keel.
MARY: Arrrrr.
As you can see, talking like a pirate will infuse your everyday conversations with romance and danger. So join the movement! On Sept. 19, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Ahoy me hearty!'' If the caller objects that he is not a hearty, inform him that he is a scurvy dog (or, if the caller is female, a scurvy female dog) who will be walking the plank off the poop deck and winding up in Davy Jones' locker, sleeping with the fishes. No, wait, that would be Talk Like a Pirate in The Godfather Day, which is another variation I considered (``I'm gonna make him an offer that will shiver his timbers'').
But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, me bucko, should be part of it. Join us on Sept. 19. You HAVE the buckles, darn it: Don't be afraid to swash them! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement that sweeps the nation, like campaign-finance reform, or Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.
But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have swords.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
A keyboard? How quaint...
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates '81
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Landau's Programming Paradoxes:
The world's best programmer has to be someone.
The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time computing and the more it spends time doing more humanlike work.
A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon and will specify software only that far.
When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked and will work again some day.
Turnauckas' Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long a it electrical cord.
The Law of Computerdo According to Golub:
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding cost.
A carelessly planned project will take only twice as long.
The effort required to correct course increases geometricallly with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting becase it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Blauw's Law:
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs:
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
The Law of Computability Applied to Social Science:
The first 90 per cent of the tasks takes 10 per cent of the time and the last 10 per cent takes the other 90 per cent.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Landau's Programming Paradoxes:
The world's best programmer has to be someone.
The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time computing and the more it spends time doing more humanlike work.
A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon and will specify software only that far.
When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked and will work again some day.
Turnauckas' Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long a it electrical cord.
The Law of Computerdo According to Golub:
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding cost.
A carelessly planned project will take only twice as long.
The effort required to correct course increases geometricallly with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting becase it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Blauw's Law:
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs:
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
The Law of Computability Applied to Social Science:
The first 90 per cent of the tasks takes 10 per cent of the time and the last 10 per cent takes the other 90 per cent.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
The Guys' Rules...
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ?the rules? from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, Point spread.
Sports Illust. Bathing Suit Pictures
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ?the rules? from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, Point spread.
Sports Illust. Bathing Suit Pictures
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
Red Skelton's tips on marriage...
Red Skelton's tips on marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary?
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the old
days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter
word......just clean and simple fun!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary?
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the old
days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter
word......just clean and simple fun!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Parody: Roger Dynamite
Roger Dynamite
Starring:
Roger B. as Roger Dynamite
Frank W. as Frank Dynamite
Rick M. as Uncle Ricko
Mike C. as Mikro
Also starring other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons are pure coincidence. This is a PARODY!
Roger Sighs]
-
Audio
Random employee:
What are you gonna do today Roger?
Roger:
Probably a lot of Burn fails. Gosh!
-
Karen (in the weekly line meeting):
Do you have any issues to address, Roger?
Roger:
Yeah this is Roger. Last week, Doug went to 51 meetings, leaving me with a total of 1403 modules WIP at the beginning of the shift for that week. Since I had to cover Flex 8 also, I just couldn’t get much done. And the constant pages over the intercom are causing my braces to buzz, and my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Karen :
Sorry I asked…
-
Brian:
Hey, Roger, what'd you do all last week again?
Roger:
I told you. I spent it looking for load box harnesses. Why don’t you read my emails? Gosh!
Brian:
Did you find any?
Roger:
Yes, like 50 of 'em. They kept tryin' to wrap themselves around my throat an’ choke me. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Brian:
What kind of PTM did you use?
Roger:
A frickin' Honda. What do you think?
-
Roger:
Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Lynn H.:
Is there anything wrong?
Roger:
I don't feel very good.
-
Frank:
Hi
Roger:
Is Grandma there?
Frank:
No, she's getting her hair done.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank:
What do you need?
Roger:
Can you just go get her for me?
Frank:
I'm really busy right now.
Roger:
Well, just tell her to come get me.
Frank:
Why?
Roger:
'Cause I don't feel good.
Frank:
Well, have you talked to Lynn, the nurse?
Roger:
No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Frank:
No.
Roger:
Well, will you do me a favor then?
Frank:
What?
Roger:
Can you bring me some brownies?
Frank:
No, Roger
Roger:
But I’m really hungry.
Frank:
Just get some from the work nurse. I know she has, like, a buncha brownies in her drawer.
Roger:
I'm not gonna eat hers, you sicko. Well, maybe one or two…
Frank:
See ya. [Dial Tone]
Roger:
[Groans] Idiot!
-
Woman on the Intercom.:
Sharon, Ann, Ashleigh, Liz, material handler, machine tech, test maintenance, QC, someone from TBM, security, and a burn operator please call 2358 please.
Phil:
You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the War Room is down the hall to the right.
Roger:
Hey, is that a new tech or something?
Phil:
Roger, this is Mikro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?
Roger:
Sure. Come on.
-
Roger:
You know, there's, like, a buttload of idiot teams at this factory. This one team kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a overhead projector. Do you carpool to work?
Mikro:
No, I drive a car. But I want an Eclipse.
Roger:
What kind of repair tech cart do you have?
-
Audio
Mikro:
It's a wide body Metro.
Roger:
Dang! You got red and white tape, wide tires, and even a large conductive tote. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
-
Audio
Roger:
You got, like, three inches of air that time. Can I try it really quick? [Groans] Ow! Dang it!
-
Grandma:
How was work?
Roger:
The worst day of my life. What do you think?
Grandma:
Well, I want you to go see if Timmeh wants some of this.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank hasn't done a flipping thing today. He’s as bad as Jim.
Grandma:
Look, tonight me and your--
Frank, listen!
Frank:
What?
Grandma:
Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Harold comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
Roger:
Well, what's there to eat?
Grandma:
Knock it off, Roundhole. Make yourself a dang kay-sah-dillah!
Roger:
Fine! But don’t call me Roundhole!!
Grandma:
I'll be back tomorrow.
Roger:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' brownies, Frank!
Frank:
Roger, don't be jealous that I've been online all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cucumber farmer.
Roger:
Since when, Frank? You can’t spell cucumber, let alone grow one!
Frank:
Try and hit me, Roger.
Roger:
What?
Frank:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Roger:
Such an idiot!
Frank:
Let me see what your best move is.
Roger:
[Sighs]
[Doorbell Rings]
Roger:
I'll go get it.
[Roger slaps Frank]
Frank:
Geez!
-
END OF PART ONE
Liz:
Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
Roger:
I don’t think anyone really wants to look like this.
Liz:
Not me, the picture! For a limited time only glamour shots by Liz are 75% off.
Roger:
I already get my hair cut in the sheep barn at the 4H Fair. They do pubes, too.
Liz:
Oh, my pubes fell out…but I tell people I shave. Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-made massage oils?
-
Ray: (on TV)
I'm Ray, founder of the Ray Cucumber Farming System. After one week with me at my farm, you'll be prepared to plant seeds at warp speed... irrigate your crop of cukes... and analyze potential threats from cucumber slugs. So come down today for your free trial lesson!
-
Liz:
In here we have some battery-operated novelties. A must-have for person who doesn’t get out much.
Roger:
I already have, I mean I don’t need that kinda stuff. Jeez!
Liz:
Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for antibiotics.
Frank:
Your mom uses antibiotics.
-
Roger:
Timmeh, you fat lard. Come get some dinner.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Timmeh, eat. Eat the food.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Eat the food!
[Timmeh Grunting]
Frank:
It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.
-
Ray:
My name is Ray, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of Cucumber Farming that I developed over two years in the state penal farm. I need a volunteer.
[Frank raises hand]
Ray:
Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Okay. Now I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Take this hoe. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this everybody. Move the hoe in a hoeing motion. Hey watch it! I said in a hoeing motion, like this! My Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna hoe this dirt. Hoe the dirt, drop some seeds.
[Ray hits Frank with the hoe]
Frank:
Geez!
Ray:
Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you water the seeds. Come on. Hold the water bucket. Okay, do it again. Do it again.
Frank:
Ouch.
Ray:
Okay. You’ve managed to screw it up this time, but you’ll learn. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... we use the buddy system. No more farming solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody will disrespect you in over-alls? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Terri at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
-
Frank:
Well, that place was a rip-off.
-
Roger:
Hey, Harold.
[Cow Moos]
Harold:
None of these testers work smooth. I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
[Gunshot]
Roger:
So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
So, you got my back and everything?
Mikro:
What?
Roger:
Never mind. Have you heard about the company holiday party?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
Have you met anyone to ask yet?
Mikro:
No. But I probably will after work.
Roger:
Who you gonna ask?
Mikro:
That girl over there.
Roger:
Ashleigh? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Mikro:
Buy her some fries in the cafeteria or something.
Roger:
Yeah, my old girlfriend from Newport was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some time right now.
Mikro:
Is she hot?
Roger:
See for yourself.
Mikro:
Wow. The tattoos look nice.
Roger:
Yeah, I took her to “Jailhouse Tattoos” for her birthday one year.
Mikro:
I like her boob.
Roger:
Me too. I don’t know what happened to the other one.
-
Roger:
How long did it take you to grow that soul patch thingy?
Mikro:
A couple of days.
Roger:
I wish I could grow one. Are you gonna eat your brownie?
Mikro:
Of course.
Roger:
Can I have your crumbs?
[Mikro Nods]
Roger:
You see that girl over there? She was trying to sell me some junk.
Mikro:
Why?
Roger:
I don't know, but she took a crap on my porch.
Mikro:
She's pretty good-looking. At least Rob thought so, for a while.
Roger:
Do you dare me to go talk to her?
Mikro:
Sure.
-
Roger:
I see you're drinking Diet Coke. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole badger milk if you wanted to. Well, I have all your vibrators and stuff in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my jumbo bag of Cheetos in there anymore.
Liz:
Where's your locker?
-
Roger:
Hey, can I have one of your intimate appliances?
-
END OF PART 2
Jimmy La’belly:
Roger, give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No, go find your own.
Jimmy La’belly:
Come on. Give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything at first break.
Jimmy La’belly:
Get in mah belly!
[Roger Groans}
Roger:
G-- Gross. Freakin' idiot!
[Roger Sighs]
-
Roger:
Timmeh, come get some ham and your 2 liter of Pepsi.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Your grammar sucks.
[Vehicle Approaching]
[Roger Sighs]
Roger:
What the hell are you doing here, Uncle Ricko?
Ricko:
Your grandma got in a little trouble in Tijuana, and they won’t let her come home for awhile.
Roger:
What? Since when does she go to Tijuana?
Ricko:
Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.
[Timmeh Grunts, then belches.]
-
Roger:
Shut the hell up, Timmeh!
Frank:
So, when's Grandma coming back?
Ricko:
I don't know. Not sure. You know how the Mexican judicial system works.
Roger:
You don't have to stay here with us. We’re repair techs.
Ricko:
[Laughs]
Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Roger:
Well, Frank is, like, 39 years old.
Frank:
I don't mind if you stay.
Ricko:
Oh. Thanks, Frank.
Roger:
What the flip was Grandma doin' in Tijuana?
Ricko:
She was on a date...with her… girlfriend.
Roger:
Girlfriend!?
Ricko:
Hey, you guys want to see my Mustang?
-
Ricko:
[Chuckles]
So, what do you think?
Frank:
It's pretty cool, I guess, but this is an AMC Pacer.
Ricko:
No, it’s a Mustang.
Roger:
This is a frickin’ Pacer with “Mustang” hand painted on the side.
Frank:
Ricko, isn’t that a “My Little Pony” glued to the hood?
Ricko:
You know what? You can leave. Just go back to your bench an analyze something.
Roger:
You guys are retarded. Besides, it’s breaktime.
Frank:
So, are you and Jamie H. still together?
Ricko:
No. Not really.
Frank:
Why is that?
Ricko:
Well...she's jealous. Says I'm spending too much time with my car.
Frank:
Really?
Ricko:
Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend?
Frank:
Well, things are gettin' kinda wierd. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day... so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bail her out for a few days and try to nail her.
Ricko:
Wow. Well, what's she look like?
Frank:
She's uh—she’s never sent me a picture. She says she’s camera shy. And she won’t let me call her on the phone; she’s like got a cold or something.
Ricko:
Hey, you know... I got a little project... that we might be able to make a little moola with.
Frank:
Really? That sounds pretty good.
Ricko:
Have you ever heard of methamphetamines?
-
Ricko:
Back in '82, I could shake it up like the King.
Frank:
Are you serious?
Ricko:
I'm dead serious. Watch this.
[Roger Groans]
Roger:
What the heck are you doing?
Frank:
That's called a hunka hunka burnin’ love.
Mikro:
I better go.
[Ricko Chuckles]
Ricko:
Frank, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel?
Frank:
Easy. I've already Googled it for myself.
Ricko:
Right on. Right on.
-
Ashleigh:
Is Mikro here today?
Roger:
I don't think so. Why?
Ashleigh:
Just wondering. Can you, uh, give this note to him for me?
Roger:
Okay. Hey, Ashleigh, you want to hook up later?
Ashleigh:
Eww! [she slaps Roger] [SLAP]
Roger:
Ow. God.
-
Liz:
What are you drawing?
Roger:
A Roundhole.
Liz:
What's a Roundhole?
Roger:
It's pretty much my favorite object. It's like a hole that’s perfectly round.
Liz:
Hmm. It looks kinda familiar.
[Sighs]
Where's your friend?
Roger:
I don't know. Did you see him today?
Liz:
No. But what about your “other friend”? [She gestures to his lap]
Roger:
What the flip are you talking about? Jeez!
Liz:
Do you… need a ride?
Roger:
No. I missed the carpool today, but my uncle's coming to get me.
Liz:
Oh.
[Horn Honks. It’s one of those musical horns, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”]
Roger:
See ya.
Ricko:
Right. I-- I think just a little bit east of the projects is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money.
Frank:
So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?
Ricko:
What are you-- You're already losing your steam?
Frank:
No. I just-- I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Ricko:
All right, you just start your shift a little earlier. That's all.
Frank:
All right.
Ricko:
Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Frank:
Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Sometimes I surf for porn afterwards. I don't know.
-
Woman:
Bueno.
Roger:
Hello?
Woman:
Who's this?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite.
Woman:
Who?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite. I'm one of Mikro's best friends.
Woman:
Your name is Roger Dynamite?
Roger:
Yes. Is Mikro there?
Woman:
No, he's not here right now.
Roger:
Okay, bye.
-
Ricko
See, Crystal Street.
That's for you.
I'm goin' to Adams Park.
They got some money in Adams Park.
Frank
What?
Ricko
Let's go, Frank.
I think we should take this someplace a little more private.
Frank
That's a good idea, because that guy sitting in that van with the binoculars is freaking me out.
-
Ricko
Before we get started on our new project,
I have a few concerns.
First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation.
I mean, do you--you got a car you can borrow from someone?
Frank
Roger usually tows me around behind his bike on skates.
Ricko
You can borrow my Pacer, I mean Mustang for the time being.
I-- I do better on foot anyway.
Frank
How about some guns?
Ricko
We need, like, some guns with the numbers filed off, or some water balloons filled with shaving cream. I mean, we gotta watch ourselves.
Frank
That's true. That's true.
-
Roger
Where have you been?
Mikro
I got sick.
Roger
Has Ashleigh said anything to you yet?
Mikro
No, not yet.
Roger
Well, she said no.
Mikro
She did?
Well, what about that other girl?
Roger
What other girl?
Mikro
The one that took a crap on your porch.
Roger
You mean Liz?
Mikro
Yes, her.
Roger
What about her?
Mikro
Well, I asked her out too.
Roger
What?!
-
Roger
Well, nobody's gonna go out with me. I can’t get my own hand to touch me.
Mikro
Have you asked anybody yet?
Roger
No, but who would?
I don't even have any good skills.
Mikro
What do you mean?
Roger
You know, like soldering skills, troubleshooting skills, computer skills.
Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Mikro
Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, round things and stuff?
Roger
Yes. Probably the best that I know of.
Mikro
Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out,
and give it to her for, like, a gift or something.
Roger
That's a pretty good idea. I think I’ll draw something round, with a hole in it.
-
Ricko
Now, if you buy this little baggie of stuff
I'm gonna throw in a little gift.
Man
So, what's the gift?
Ricko
I bet you folks don't have one of these.
Woman
I could use a skull shaped cigar lighter.
Ricko
You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill dope.
These are some serious hits, without the anhydrous aftertaste…
Man
So, I buys da baggie...
the skull lighter is included?
Ricko
That's correct, sir.
Medsker, you look like a strong young pup.
Why don't you see if you can give that a nice hit.
Don't hurt yourself now.
Man
Wow.
Ricko
So, uh...
how does the "dealio" sound to you?
-
Frank
Dang it.
END OF PART 3
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Mom
Oh, I'm sorry, she's not.
She's at a friend's house right now.
Ricko
Well, hey, Roger.
Roger's my nephew.
Ann's Mom
Oh, that's nice.
Roger
Could you just give this to her for me?
Ann's Mom
I certainly could.
Roger
Thanks.
Ann's Mom
Bye-bye.
Ricko
Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in jail.
He still wets the bed and whines about burn fails.
Ann's Mom
You're kidding.
Ricko
Yeah, he's a tender little guy.
He still gets beat up and whatnot.
-
Frank:
Ow!
Roger:
What the crap was Uncle Ricko doin' over at my girlfriend's house?
Frank:
Roger, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Roger:
Fine. What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Frank:
You do that on your own. I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Ricko. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Roger:
I did?
Frank:
Yeah, is it bleeding?
[Door Opens]
Roger:
A little bit.
Ricko:
Hey, Frank. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Roger. I’m not that kinda guy.
Roger:
I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.
Ricko:
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playin' patty-cake with your friend Mikro, your Uncle Ricko... is makin' 120 bucks.
Roger:
I could make that much jacking off pigs at the 4H fair.
Frank:
Geez. Yeah, right, Roger. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Ricko:
Roger, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Timmeh. His 2 liter of Pepsi is about empty.
Roger:
Why do we keep that bastard Timmeh around, anyhoo? He’s worse than wipin’ your ass with a cactus.
-
[Roger Dynamite's Voice Reading Letter]
There's a lot more where this came from if you go to the dance with me.
Yours truly, Roger Dynamite.
Ann's Mother
You know you're gonna go to that dance with that boy.
Ann
[Groans]
-
Doug
By noon I need them 8,000 modules updated for burn.
Sometimes they need soldered, or whatever its called. I forget…
But I figured out if you give 'em a good shakin', they'll register a crash.
Roger
Did you do anything today?
Doug
I went to meetings.
Roger
Meetings?
Doug
I’m late for the Parking Lot Resurfacing Team Meeting.
Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and you’d better get these done.
-
[Doug farts]
Roger
Ew!
-
Doug
[sniffs]
Well, that smelled fruity.
Harold
Over there, in that burn chamber I found a couple more of your burn fails.
Roger
[Groans]
-
Roger
I cleared 8,000 modules today.
Doug just did one, and he didn’t even finish it.
[Phone Rings]
Roger
Yeah, this is Roger.
Ann
Hi. Is Roger there?
Roger
I already said this is Roger!
Ann
Can I talk to him?
Roger
You already are!
Ann
Oh.
Roger, this is Ann.
I'm just calling to tell you that...
I can go to the dance with you.
And also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing of the … uhm…round thingy.
It's hanging in my bedroom.
Roger
Really?
Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on round part.
It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Ann
Yeah, it's really...nice.
Roger
Yeah, well, I'll probably pick you up at 6:00 for the dance.
Is that okay?
Ann
That's fine.
Roger
K, bye.
Ann
Bye.
[Groans]
Mikro
Who was that?
Roger
Ann.
Mikro
Who's she?
Roger
My woman I'm takin' to the dance.
Mikro
Do you draw her a picture?
Roger
Heck, yes, I did! A cool hole, round and everything!
Mikro
Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Roger
Just, like, a blue ESD smock or something.
What are you gonna wear?
Mikro
Liz has something for me.
But you should probably get a suit.
-
Roger
Mikro, how do you feel about that one?
Mikro
It looks nice. I like the material. Is it ESD safe?
Roger
Yeah. It looks pretty sweet.
It looks awesome.
That suit, it's--it's incredible.
Mikro
It smells…funny.
-
Roger
I need you to give me a ride in an hour.
Ricko
[Sighs]
Where to?
Roger
The dance.
Ricko
You takin' my client's daughter?
Roger
Yes.
We need to pick her up too.
Ricko
Well, Uncle Ricko's got a sale to finalize in West Terre Haute in five minutes. I’m selling natural herbal supplements now. It’s like that Enzyte stuff, but it works for men and women. Sometimes the demonstration takes longer…than expected.
Roger
Well, can you just take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever?
Ricko
[Exhales, grumbles]
-
Ricko
Well, I'll be back in a minute.
Don't disturb me while I'm in there.
Roger
Well, hurry up, 'cause I gotta get Ann.
Ricko
Hi. I got your 2 month supply right here.
[Roger begins to run back towards town]
Roger
So you guys are, like, Mikro's band mates with all the sweet hookups?
Mikro's Band mate #1
You Mikro’s homie? Get in. I hope you like Dream Theater.
-
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Dad
Who's the hell is that in my driveway?
Roger
That's my ride.
-
Roger
Do you wanna go over by my friend Mikro and read PI’s?
-
Mikro
Roger. When did you get here?
Roger
Just a couple minutes ago. I almost clocked in late.
Have you guys seen Ann anywhere?
Liz
No.
Roger
Oh. She probably just went to test her shoes and wrist strap.
Are you guys having a killer time?
Liz
Yes.
Mikro
If you can't find Ann, I'll let you dance with Liz for a few songs. You can even put your hand on her butt.
-
Roger
I like your Capri pants. They show off your ankles nice.
Liz
Thank you. I bought them on clearance at Wal Mart.
Roger
So you and Mikro are getting really serious now?
Liz
No. We're just friends. You can’t get real serious with a drummer, know what I mean?
Roger
Uh Huh.
How are your glamour shots selling?
Liz
Pretty good.
I could do a “personal” portrait sometime...if you wanted to come over.
Roger
Uh, Okay.
-
Mikro
Do you think people will vote for me to be leader of the Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Roger
Heck, yes. I'd vote for you. You could get them to serve free brownies.
Mikro
Like, what are my skills?
Roger
Well, you have a sweet metro cart...
and you're really good at sniffing out brownies.
Plus you're, like, the only guy at work who has a long ponytail and a soul patch.
Mikro
That's true.
Roger
If you need to use any of my skills,
I can do whatever you want.
Mikro
Thanks.
If I win, you can be my janitor or something.
Roger
Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too.
Or, like, Secret Service captain or...whatever.
Mikro
No, just clean up the cafeteria…
-
Roger
Whoa! Is that yours?
Frank
Don't touch it. It's Uncle Ricko's.
Roger
What's the heck is it for?
Frank
It's a penis enlarger, Roger.
He bought it online.
Roger
Yeah, right. Ya gotta have one to enlarge one.
Frank
It works, Roger. You don't even know.
Roger
Have you guys tried it yet?
Frank
No. Uncle Ricko said he wanted to try it in private.
-
Frank
So, are you ready?
Roger
Yeah. Hold on.
I forgot to hook up the load box.
Kay, turn it on.
[Current Surges]
Roger
[Groaning, Grunting]
Dude--!
Oh--!
[Groaning]
My Gawd--
[Groaning]
[Groaning]
Turn it off! Turn it off, Frank!
[Moaning]
[Groans]
It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work. Jeez, it’s even smaller now! And it’s smoking!
[Panting]
Ricko
Well, I could've told you that.
[Groans]
Got any more ice?
-
Roger
The defect in that one is squib open.
Judge
That's correct.
Roger
Yesss!
This one looks like Doug tried to remove the coating from the micro.
Judge
Correct.
Roger
Yesss!
-
Mikro
This module looks pretty good except for one little problem. The Diagnostic Data Out bits not containing data are not providing a logic zero.
Judge
Well done.
-end pt 4
Ashleigh
Vote Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Ashleigh
Vote for Ashleigh. Thanks.
Andy
Yeah. Vote for Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Ashleigh
Hi. Vote for Ashleigh
Hi, Vote for Ashleigh. You guys voting?
Mikro
Do you think it's kinda warm in here?
Roger
No.
Mikro
I think it's-- They must have the burn-in chamber doors open or something.
Roger
It seems pretty good to me.
Mikro
You don't feel like your head is burning or-- or anything?
Roger
Which one?
Mikro
I'm gonna go home and lay down. Put me down for casual time.
Roger
Kay, See ya.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Roger
Yeah, right. I'm not votin' for her.
Andy
Then who are you gonna vote for?
Roger
I'm votin' for Mikro Chipkai.
Who do you think?
Andy
[Scoffs] Now that I’m calling the shots on weekends, I don’t care who you vote for.
Roger
Hey, Andy, can I have one of those buttons? [Roger proceeds to stuff the button up Andy’s butt]
Andy
Ow! Hey! Mmmm…
-
Frank
So, that guy in Terre Haute give you your money back yet?
Ricko
Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities
if I don't get a refund in full.
[Sighs]
Don't you ever wish you could go back...
with all the knowledge you have now? Get that Mustang you always wanted…
Frank
I guess so.
Ricko
Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now.
You'd find your soul mate.
Frank
I've already got a soul mate.
Ricko
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Frank
Mickey. I think it’s short for Michelle or something.
Ricko
Mickey. Huh.
How's she doin'?
Frank
Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. I think have enough vacation time built up.
She's riding the bus out from San Francisco for a few days.
Ricko
Well, what about work?
Well, haven't-- haven't you studied up on the new product?
Frank
Yes.
Ricko
Well, do you know it backwards and front?
Frank
What’s there to know? I got the quality policy right here on my badge!
Ricko
Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours?
You might as well do somethin' while you're waiting for a burn cart to come out.
Frank
Because she doesn't need any. That's why. Neither do I, ‘cause I get wood just about every morning.
-
Roger
Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.
Mikro
Gee, thanks. A hole. That will get them to vote for me for sure.
Roger
Why do you got your ESD smock up like that?
Mikro
Well, when I came home from work, my body started to get really hot.
So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing.
So I laid in the bathtub for a while...
but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my body so hot.
So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I feel better, but I don't want anyone to see.
Roger
I know what you mean. Did it really make that much difference to shave your eyebrows, too?
Mikro
Not really. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have done the crack of my ass or my pubes.
Liz
[Sighs]
There's just not many options.
Roger
That one's good. Looks like an engineer.
Mikro
No, I don’t wanna look like Brian.
Liz
You know, you're right.
Here’s another.
Roger
Sorry.
Liz
I think this one matches your shirt, Mikro.
Mikro
But my shirt is plaid…
[Visual description for those of you reading this at home. Mikro’s new hair is a multi-color clown wig, with a matching merkin to replace his pubes. Nothing was available to match his ass crack hairs or his eyebrows. His soul patch is a clipping from the wig, super-glued in place. Please do not make fun of him, he’s very sensitive.]
-
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Vote for Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a donut.
Shane
I don't have any, Jimmy La’belly.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. Make it a buck. I’m real hungry.
Shane
I don't have--
Stop.
Don’t. Stop. Stop.
Jimmy La’belly
I'll do this to you.
Shane
Don't. NO! Don’t show me your belly! Aahhh!
Here. Here. Take my money!
Roger
How's your head?
Shane
My brain hurts. There’s some things a man shouldn’t see.
Roger
That's too bad.
Mikro offers you his protection.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, let me borrow your metro cart.
Shane
No.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. I’ll clear some burn fails for you.
Shane
Like I would believe that!
[Mikro’s band mates show up. They look kinda sick, maybe even contagious. Everyone scatters. Jimmy La’belly tries to run, but his belly slaps him in the face, knocking him out cold.]
-
Ricko
Hey, you Ann?
Ann
Yeah.
Ricko
You remember me?
I'm a friend of you mom's.
I'm-- I'm Roger's uncle. Uncle Ricko.
Ann
Oh. Yeah.
Ricko
Hey, could you do me a favor?
Could you give your mom a couple of these herbal samples and
tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?
Ann
'Kay.
Ricko
You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some.
Have a nice day.
Ann & Ashleigh
[Scoff]
-
Ricko
[Yelps]
[Groans]
Why the heck you throwin' crap at my Pacer, I mean Mustang, Roger?
Roger
Everybody at work thinks I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
Ricko
[Straining]
You are an idiot! You're gonna clean my Pacer, I mean Mustang...right now.
Roger
Get off of me, you Timmeh lover!
Ricko
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Roger
[Groans]
Ricko
[Groaning]
-
Crowd
[Chattering]
Boy
Higher. No, no, higher.
Yeah!
Crowd
[Cheering, Hooting]
[Cheering, Hooting]
Boy
Yeah. Hit it!
-
Roger
Dang.
-
Principal
Look, Mikro. I don't know how they do things over in Indiana,
but here in Marshall we have a little something called respectful workplace.
Understand?
Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Ashleigh
is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire factory.
-
Dad-Z
Welcome to Dad-Z’s African Dance Grooves.
Are you ready to get your proud African groove on?
Roger
Yes.
Dad-Z
All right, then. Let's get started.
-
Liz
Are you disqualified?
Mikro
No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas. It’s probably for the best, the drawings really sucked.
Liz
Can you still run for Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Mikro
Yes.
I don't understand.
He say...you're not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people.
But we do it in Indiana all the time, but with real people.
Liz
Your hair looked great today.
Mikro
Uhh, thank you.
Liz
All right.
See you tomorrow, Mikro.
Mikro
[To himself] I think that broad is nuts.
-
Roger
[Burps]
Who are you?
Mickey
[In a husky voice] I'm Mickey.
Roger
What are you doing here?
Mickey
I'm waiting for Frank.
Roger
Frank?
Mickey
Why are you so sweaty?
Roger
I been practicing.
Mickey
Mmm. Practicing what?
Roger
Some dance moves.
Mickey
You like dancing?
Frank
Well, my chores are done.
So, you ready, Mickey?
Mickey
I am, honey.
Frank
Sorry, Roger. We're just runnin' a little bit late for a show at the Ram Rod.
Tell Uncle Ricko not to wait up for me.
Mickey
Here. You might like this tape. It’s the Village People.
I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby.
Bye, Roger.
Roger
See ya.
Frank
Mickey is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'm a hundred and ten percent positive that she's my soul mate.
Roger
Why is she so tall and have an Adam’s Apple?
Frank
She’s just big boned.
Roger
Yeah, more than you think…
-
Liz
Is this what you were looking for?
Ricko
Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more... like a Mustang.
Liz
Hmm. Well...
I could wrap you in some pink bubble wrap or... perhaps something more conductive?
Ricko
Yeah, conductive’s good.
[Chuckles]
Liz
[Sighs]
It'd be really nice if I could get the ionizer fan going.
Ricko
You know, Liz, you have...striking features.
How’s your…libido?
Liz
You have no idea Mr. Ricko.
Ricko
My friends and clients, they call me "Uncle Ricko."
Liz
Now what are you doing?
Ricko
Shh. don't say another word.
Roger told me you'd be interested.
Liz
Roger?
Ricko
You stop wishin', and call me when you're ready.
-
Roger
Hello?
Liz
Roger?
Roger
Yeah. Who's this?
Liz
It's Liz...
and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a roundhole.
Roger
What the heck are you even talkin' about?
Liz
Don't lie, Roger.
Your Uncle Ricko told me you thought I had libido problems.
Roger
What?
Liz
I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself.
And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself? You could have been eating down here…but you blew it.
-
Roger
Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Ricko
Uh, she didn't tell me anything.
Roger
Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here
when she gets back because you've been ruining
everybody's lives and eatin' all our brownies.
Ricko
I'm not goin' anywhere, Roger. Besides, my Pacer, I mean Mustang is in the shop getting a new footprint gas pedal installed.
Roger
Get off my propertah!
Ricko
You don’t have the authoritah. I can do whatever I want.
Roger
Get off my property, or I'll call Sheldon on you.
Ricko
Well, then do it. Go on.
Roger
Maybe I will. Gosh!
-END PART 5
Mikro
Hello?
Roger
Mikro? How's it goin'?
Mikro
Pretty good.
Roger
Liz just called me.
She pretty much hates me by now. But that may not be so bad.
Mikro
Why?
Roger
'Cause my Uncle Ricko's an idiot! Nobody can get him to do any analysis!
Mikro
Do you have anything to give to her?
Roger
No, not unless she likes crabs.
Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
Mikro
Yes.
Roger
Do you already know what you're gonna say?
Mikro
Yes...I thought I would just recite some lines from Al Gore’s acceptance speech. I found a copy of it on the net.
Roger
Just tell 'em that...Dream Theater will come to Marshall if they vote for you.
Mikro
[Sighs]
Roger
I'll see you tomorrow, Mikro.
Ricko
Now, if you look right here, we have Susanna from Paris, IL.
Would you like to read her testimonial right there?
Terri
Sure. Um...
"After using Schlong, Titty & Kitty Plus, I have such big desires--"
I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Ricko
Oh, that's fine. That's fine.
But do you feel comfortable with me?
Ray
Come here, boy! Get this damn analysis done!
[Commotion, Crashing]
Ricko
[Yelping]
-
Ashleigh
Well, I never thought I would make it here today.
I would be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader because
I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and
I'm also gonna get them to put Lifetime channel on the TV’s.
Oh, we're gonna get new pink instead of blue smocks.
Anyway, I think I'd be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader, so, uh...
who wants to eat egg rolls and brownies next year?
Not me. It’s gonna be lettuce salads every day!
Vote for Ashleigh.
Phil
And now Ashleigh will perform her skit with
members of our very own Flatulence Aroma Reduction Team (F.A.R.T.).
Woman
Your speech is up next.
Your skit had better be pretty good.
Mikro
A skit?
Woman
You perform a skit after your speech, Mikro.
Roger
What? A flippin' skit?
Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
[Ashleighs Skit is Performed]
Mikro
I dont' want to be on the Cafeteria Improvement Team anyway.
Roger
Mikro, just tell them how wonderful a warm brownie is after you eat an eggroll cooked in buffalo grease. And the simple pleasures of a Twinkie Wiener Sandwich. That will get their mouths to watering.
Mikro
Hello.
I don't have too much to say.
But I think it would be good to have
some cool music to listen to while we eat
like Dream Theater or something like that.
It would be nice to have a drum kit with double bass in the corner.
The cafeteria workers should bathe at least once a week.
And...we have a great All Hands Meeting schedule lined up--
We hold those in the cafeteria.
If you vote for me, we could all have nice warm brownies.
Thank you.
Phil
Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by Mikro Sanchez.
Roger
[Sighs]
[Roger Dances, or has an epileptic seizure. Take your pick.]
-
Roger
I bought you some more of those high water pants.
You wanna fool around?
Liz
No, I’m waiting for Rob to come to his senses and take me back.
-
Harold
I, uh, would like to give you this advice.
And a fella give me some years ago.
He said, "When you have a lot of burn fails...
if you go outside and smoke a cigarette...
you'll calm down and then you can come back and the burn fails will still be there waiting for you.
Is there anything else you'd like to ask about?
Timmeh
[Grunts]
Ricko
Mikro. Where the heck's Roger?
Mikro
I don't know.
Harold
Mike “Mickey” White, do you take Franklin Dynamite
to be your lawful wedded husband...
to honor in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Mickey
I do.
Harold
Frankland Dynamite do you take Mike “Mickey” White
to be your lawful wedded…uhh… whatever… in sickness and health
'till death do you part?
Frank
You know I do.
Harold
By the authoritah vested in me, I pronounce you man and … uhhmm.
You may kiss the …each other.
Frank
[Sings]
Why do you love me
Why do you need me
Always and forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
[Feedback]
But you, you make me "salvivate"
Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever
Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heaven above
Always and forever
Always and forever
Yes our love is truly great
Always and forever
Why do you need me
Why do you love me
Roger
Sorry I'm late.
I just got done clearing all of the fails that Doug left me.
Frank
Hmm.
Roger
Thanks.
I hope your guys's experiences are unforgettable.
Frank
Hmm.
Lookee, lookee. A little keepsake for you guys.
Roger
Lucky.
(No Repair Tech's were harmed much in the making of this film)
Starring:
Roger B. as Roger Dynamite
Frank W. as Frank Dynamite
Rick M. as Uncle Ricko
Mike C. as Mikro
Also starring other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons are pure coincidence. This is a PARODY!
Roger Sighs]
-
Audio
Random employee:
What are you gonna do today Roger?
Roger:
Probably a lot of Burn fails. Gosh!
-
Karen (in the weekly line meeting):
Do you have any issues to address, Roger?
Roger:
Yeah this is Roger. Last week, Doug went to 51 meetings, leaving me with a total of 1403 modules WIP at the beginning of the shift for that week. Since I had to cover Flex 8 also, I just couldn’t get much done. And the constant pages over the intercom are causing my braces to buzz, and my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Karen :
Sorry I asked…
-
Brian:
Hey, Roger, what'd you do all last week again?
Roger:
I told you. I spent it looking for load box harnesses. Why don’t you read my emails? Gosh!
Brian:
Did you find any?
Roger:
Yes, like 50 of 'em. They kept tryin' to wrap themselves around my throat an’ choke me. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Brian:
What kind of PTM did you use?
Roger:
A frickin' Honda. What do you think?
-
Roger:
Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Lynn H.:
Is there anything wrong?
Roger:
I don't feel very good.
-
Frank:
Hi
Roger:
Is Grandma there?
Frank:
No, she's getting her hair done.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank:
What do you need?
Roger:
Can you just go get her for me?
Frank:
I'm really busy right now.
Roger:
Well, just tell her to come get me.
Frank:
Why?
Roger:
'Cause I don't feel good.
Frank:
Well, have you talked to Lynn, the nurse?
Roger:
No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Frank:
No.
Roger:
Well, will you do me a favor then?
Frank:
What?
Roger:
Can you bring me some brownies?
Frank:
No, Roger
Roger:
But I’m really hungry.
Frank:
Just get some from the work nurse. I know she has, like, a buncha brownies in her drawer.
Roger:
I'm not gonna eat hers, you sicko. Well, maybe one or two…
Frank:
See ya. [Dial Tone]
Roger:
[Groans] Idiot!
-
Woman on the Intercom.:
Sharon, Ann, Ashleigh, Liz, material handler, machine tech, test maintenance, QC, someone from TBM, security, and a burn operator please call 2358 please.
Phil:
You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the War Room is down the hall to the right.
Roger:
Hey, is that a new tech or something?
Phil:
Roger, this is Mikro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?
Roger:
Sure. Come on.
-
Roger:
You know, there's, like, a buttload of idiot teams at this factory. This one team kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a overhead projector. Do you carpool to work?
Mikro:
No, I drive a car. But I want an Eclipse.
Roger:
What kind of repair tech cart do you have?
-
Audio
Mikro:
It's a wide body Metro.
Roger:
Dang! You got red and white tape, wide tires, and even a large conductive tote. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
-
Audio
Roger:
You got, like, three inches of air that time. Can I try it really quick? [Groans] Ow! Dang it!
-
Grandma:
How was work?
Roger:
The worst day of my life. What do you think?
Grandma:
Well, I want you to go see if Timmeh wants some of this.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank hasn't done a flipping thing today. He’s as bad as Jim.
Grandma:
Look, tonight me and your--
Frank, listen!
Frank:
What?
Grandma:
Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Harold comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
Roger:
Well, what's there to eat?
Grandma:
Knock it off, Roundhole. Make yourself a dang kay-sah-dillah!
Roger:
Fine! But don’t call me Roundhole!!
Grandma:
I'll be back tomorrow.
Roger:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' brownies, Frank!
Frank:
Roger, don't be jealous that I've been online all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cucumber farmer.
Roger:
Since when, Frank? You can’t spell cucumber, let alone grow one!
Frank:
Try and hit me, Roger.
Roger:
What?
Frank:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Roger:
Such an idiot!
Frank:
Let me see what your best move is.
Roger:
[Sighs]
[Doorbell Rings]
Roger:
I'll go get it.
[Roger slaps Frank]
Frank:
Geez!
-
END OF PART ONE
Liz:
Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
Roger:
I don’t think anyone really wants to look like this.
Liz:
Not me, the picture! For a limited time only glamour shots by Liz are 75% off.
Roger:
I already get my hair cut in the sheep barn at the 4H Fair. They do pubes, too.
Liz:
Oh, my pubes fell out…but I tell people I shave. Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-made massage oils?
-
Ray: (on TV)
I'm Ray, founder of the Ray Cucumber Farming System. After one week with me at my farm, you'll be prepared to plant seeds at warp speed... irrigate your crop of cukes... and analyze potential threats from cucumber slugs. So come down today for your free trial lesson!
-
Liz:
In here we have some battery-operated novelties. A must-have for person who doesn’t get out much.
Roger:
I already have, I mean I don’t need that kinda stuff. Jeez!
Liz:
Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for antibiotics.
Frank:
Your mom uses antibiotics.
-
Roger:
Timmeh, you fat lard. Come get some dinner.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Timmeh, eat. Eat the food.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Eat the food!
[Timmeh Grunting]
Frank:
It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.
-
Ray:
My name is Ray, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of Cucumber Farming that I developed over two years in the state penal farm. I need a volunteer.
[Frank raises hand]
Ray:
Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Okay. Now I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Take this hoe. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this everybody. Move the hoe in a hoeing motion. Hey watch it! I said in a hoeing motion, like this! My Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna hoe this dirt. Hoe the dirt, drop some seeds.
[Ray hits Frank with the hoe]
Frank:
Geez!
Ray:
Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you water the seeds. Come on. Hold the water bucket. Okay, do it again. Do it again.
Frank:
Ouch.
Ray:
Okay. You’ve managed to screw it up this time, but you’ll learn. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... we use the buddy system. No more farming solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody will disrespect you in over-alls? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Terri at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
-
Frank:
Well, that place was a rip-off.
-
Roger:
Hey, Harold.
[Cow Moos]
Harold:
None of these testers work smooth. I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
[Gunshot]
Roger:
So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
So, you got my back and everything?
Mikro:
What?
Roger:
Never mind. Have you heard about the company holiday party?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
Have you met anyone to ask yet?
Mikro:
No. But I probably will after work.
Roger:
Who you gonna ask?
Mikro:
That girl over there.
Roger:
Ashleigh? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Mikro:
Buy her some fries in the cafeteria or something.
Roger:
Yeah, my old girlfriend from Newport was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some time right now.
Mikro:
Is she hot?
Roger:
See for yourself.
Mikro:
Wow. The tattoos look nice.
Roger:
Yeah, I took her to “Jailhouse Tattoos” for her birthday one year.
Mikro:
I like her boob.
Roger:
Me too. I don’t know what happened to the other one.
-
Roger:
How long did it take you to grow that soul patch thingy?
Mikro:
A couple of days.
Roger:
I wish I could grow one. Are you gonna eat your brownie?
Mikro:
Of course.
Roger:
Can I have your crumbs?
[Mikro Nods]
Roger:
You see that girl over there? She was trying to sell me some junk.
Mikro:
Why?
Roger:
I don't know, but she took a crap on my porch.
Mikro:
She's pretty good-looking. At least Rob thought so, for a while.
Roger:
Do you dare me to go talk to her?
Mikro:
Sure.
-
Roger:
I see you're drinking Diet Coke. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole badger milk if you wanted to. Well, I have all your vibrators and stuff in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my jumbo bag of Cheetos in there anymore.
Liz:
Where's your locker?
-
Roger:
Hey, can I have one of your intimate appliances?
-
END OF PART 2
Jimmy La’belly:
Roger, give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No, go find your own.
Jimmy La’belly:
Come on. Give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything at first break.
Jimmy La’belly:
Get in mah belly!
[Roger Groans}
Roger:
G-- Gross. Freakin' idiot!
[Roger Sighs]
-
Roger:
Timmeh, come get some ham and your 2 liter of Pepsi.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Your grammar sucks.
[Vehicle Approaching]
[Roger Sighs]
Roger:
What the hell are you doing here, Uncle Ricko?
Ricko:
Your grandma got in a little trouble in Tijuana, and they won’t let her come home for awhile.
Roger:
What? Since when does she go to Tijuana?
Ricko:
Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.
[Timmeh Grunts, then belches.]
-
Roger:
Shut the hell up, Timmeh!
Frank:
So, when's Grandma coming back?
Ricko:
I don't know. Not sure. You know how the Mexican judicial system works.
Roger:
You don't have to stay here with us. We’re repair techs.
Ricko:
[Laughs]
Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Roger:
Well, Frank is, like, 39 years old.
Frank:
I don't mind if you stay.
Ricko:
Oh. Thanks, Frank.
Roger:
What the flip was Grandma doin' in Tijuana?
Ricko:
She was on a date...with her… girlfriend.
Roger:
Girlfriend!?
Ricko:
Hey, you guys want to see my Mustang?
-
Ricko:
[Chuckles]
So, what do you think?
Frank:
It's pretty cool, I guess, but this is an AMC Pacer.
Ricko:
No, it’s a Mustang.
Roger:
This is a frickin’ Pacer with “Mustang” hand painted on the side.
Frank:
Ricko, isn’t that a “My Little Pony” glued to the hood?
Ricko:
You know what? You can leave. Just go back to your bench an analyze something.
Roger:
You guys are retarded. Besides, it’s breaktime.
Frank:
So, are you and Jamie H. still together?
Ricko:
No. Not really.
Frank:
Why is that?
Ricko:
Well...she's jealous. Says I'm spending too much time with my car.
Frank:
Really?
Ricko:
Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend?
Frank:
Well, things are gettin' kinda wierd. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day... so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bail her out for a few days and try to nail her.
Ricko:
Wow. Well, what's she look like?
Frank:
She's uh—she’s never sent me a picture. She says she’s camera shy. And she won’t let me call her on the phone; she’s like got a cold or something.
Ricko:
Hey, you know... I got a little project... that we might be able to make a little moola with.
Frank:
Really? That sounds pretty good.
Ricko:
Have you ever heard of methamphetamines?
-
Ricko:
Back in '82, I could shake it up like the King.
Frank:
Are you serious?
Ricko:
I'm dead serious. Watch this.
[Roger Groans]
Roger:
What the heck are you doing?
Frank:
That's called a hunka hunka burnin’ love.
Mikro:
I better go.
[Ricko Chuckles]
Ricko:
Frank, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel?
Frank:
Easy. I've already Googled it for myself.
Ricko:
Right on. Right on.
-
Ashleigh:
Is Mikro here today?
Roger:
I don't think so. Why?
Ashleigh:
Just wondering. Can you, uh, give this note to him for me?
Roger:
Okay. Hey, Ashleigh, you want to hook up later?
Ashleigh:
Eww! [she slaps Roger] [SLAP]
Roger:
Ow. God.
-
Liz:
What are you drawing?
Roger:
A Roundhole.
Liz:
What's a Roundhole?
Roger:
It's pretty much my favorite object. It's like a hole that’s perfectly round.
Liz:
Hmm. It looks kinda familiar.
[Sighs]
Where's your friend?
Roger:
I don't know. Did you see him today?
Liz:
No. But what about your “other friend”? [She gestures to his lap]
Roger:
What the flip are you talking about? Jeez!
Liz:
Do you… need a ride?
Roger:
No. I missed the carpool today, but my uncle's coming to get me.
Liz:
Oh.
[Horn Honks. It’s one of those musical horns, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”]
Roger:
See ya.
Ricko:
Right. I-- I think just a little bit east of the projects is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money.
Frank:
So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?
Ricko:
What are you-- You're already losing your steam?
Frank:
No. I just-- I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Ricko:
All right, you just start your shift a little earlier. That's all.
Frank:
All right.
Ricko:
Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Frank:
Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Sometimes I surf for porn afterwards. I don't know.
-
Woman:
Bueno.
Roger:
Hello?
Woman:
Who's this?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite.
Woman:
Who?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite. I'm one of Mikro's best friends.
Woman:
Your name is Roger Dynamite?
Roger:
Yes. Is Mikro there?
Woman:
No, he's not here right now.
Roger:
Okay, bye.
-
Ricko
See, Crystal Street.
That's for you.
I'm goin' to Adams Park.
They got some money in Adams Park.
Frank
What?
Ricko
Let's go, Frank.
I think we should take this someplace a little more private.
Frank
That's a good idea, because that guy sitting in that van with the binoculars is freaking me out.
-
Ricko
Before we get started on our new project,
I have a few concerns.
First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation.
I mean, do you--you got a car you can borrow from someone?
Frank
Roger usually tows me around behind his bike on skates.
Ricko
You can borrow my Pacer, I mean Mustang for the time being.
I-- I do better on foot anyway.
Frank
How about some guns?
Ricko
We need, like, some guns with the numbers filed off, or some water balloons filled with shaving cream. I mean, we gotta watch ourselves.
Frank
That's true. That's true.
-
Roger
Where have you been?
Mikro
I got sick.
Roger
Has Ashleigh said anything to you yet?
Mikro
No, not yet.
Roger
Well, she said no.
Mikro
She did?
Well, what about that other girl?
Roger
What other girl?
Mikro
The one that took a crap on your porch.
Roger
You mean Liz?
Mikro
Yes, her.
Roger
What about her?
Mikro
Well, I asked her out too.
Roger
What?!
-
Roger
Well, nobody's gonna go out with me. I can’t get my own hand to touch me.
Mikro
Have you asked anybody yet?
Roger
No, but who would?
I don't even have any good skills.
Mikro
What do you mean?
Roger
You know, like soldering skills, troubleshooting skills, computer skills.
Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Mikro
Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, round things and stuff?
Roger
Yes. Probably the best that I know of.
Mikro
Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out,
and give it to her for, like, a gift or something.
Roger
That's a pretty good idea. I think I’ll draw something round, with a hole in it.
-
Ricko
Now, if you buy this little baggie of stuff
I'm gonna throw in a little gift.
Man
So, what's the gift?
Ricko
I bet you folks don't have one of these.
Woman
I could use a skull shaped cigar lighter.
Ricko
You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill dope.
These are some serious hits, without the anhydrous aftertaste…
Man
So, I buys da baggie...
the skull lighter is included?
Ricko
That's correct, sir.
Medsker, you look like a strong young pup.
Why don't you see if you can give that a nice hit.
Don't hurt yourself now.
Man
Wow.
Ricko
So, uh...
how does the "dealio" sound to you?
-
Frank
Dang it.
END OF PART 3
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Mom
Oh, I'm sorry, she's not.
She's at a friend's house right now.
Ricko
Well, hey, Roger.
Roger's my nephew.
Ann's Mom
Oh, that's nice.
Roger
Could you just give this to her for me?
Ann's Mom
I certainly could.
Roger
Thanks.
Ann's Mom
Bye-bye.
Ricko
Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in jail.
He still wets the bed and whines about burn fails.
Ann's Mom
You're kidding.
Ricko
Yeah, he's a tender little guy.
He still gets beat up and whatnot.
-
Frank:
Ow!
Roger:
What the crap was Uncle Ricko doin' over at my girlfriend's house?
Frank:
Roger, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Roger:
Fine. What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Frank:
You do that on your own. I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Ricko. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Roger:
I did?
Frank:
Yeah, is it bleeding?
[Door Opens]
Roger:
A little bit.
Ricko:
Hey, Frank. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Roger. I’m not that kinda guy.
Roger:
I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.
Ricko:
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playin' patty-cake with your friend Mikro, your Uncle Ricko... is makin' 120 bucks.
Roger:
I could make that much jacking off pigs at the 4H fair.
Frank:
Geez. Yeah, right, Roger. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Ricko:
Roger, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Timmeh. His 2 liter of Pepsi is about empty.
Roger:
Why do we keep that bastard Timmeh around, anyhoo? He’s worse than wipin’ your ass with a cactus.
-
[Roger Dynamite's Voice Reading Letter]
There's a lot more where this came from if you go to the dance with me.
Yours truly, Roger Dynamite.
Ann's Mother
You know you're gonna go to that dance with that boy.
Ann
[Groans]
-
Doug
By noon I need them 8,000 modules updated for burn.
Sometimes they need soldered, or whatever its called. I forget…
But I figured out if you give 'em a good shakin', they'll register a crash.
Roger
Did you do anything today?
Doug
I went to meetings.
Roger
Meetings?
Doug
I’m late for the Parking Lot Resurfacing Team Meeting.
Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and you’d better get these done.
-
[Doug farts]
Roger
Ew!
-
Doug
[sniffs]
Well, that smelled fruity.
Harold
Over there, in that burn chamber I found a couple more of your burn fails.
Roger
[Groans]
-
Roger
I cleared 8,000 modules today.
Doug just did one, and he didn’t even finish it.
[Phone Rings]
Roger
Yeah, this is Roger.
Ann
Hi. Is Roger there?
Roger
I already said this is Roger!
Ann
Can I talk to him?
Roger
You already are!
Ann
Oh.
Roger, this is Ann.
I'm just calling to tell you that...
I can go to the dance with you.
And also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing of the … uhm…round thingy.
It's hanging in my bedroom.
Roger
Really?
Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on round part.
It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Ann
Yeah, it's really...nice.
Roger
Yeah, well, I'll probably pick you up at 6:00 for the dance.
Is that okay?
Ann
That's fine.
Roger
K, bye.
Ann
Bye.
[Groans]
Mikro
Who was that?
Roger
Ann.
Mikro
Who's she?
Roger
My woman I'm takin' to the dance.
Mikro
Do you draw her a picture?
Roger
Heck, yes, I did! A cool hole, round and everything!
Mikro
Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Roger
Just, like, a blue ESD smock or something.
What are you gonna wear?
Mikro
Liz has something for me.
But you should probably get a suit.
-
Roger
Mikro, how do you feel about that one?
Mikro
It looks nice. I like the material. Is it ESD safe?
Roger
Yeah. It looks pretty sweet.
It looks awesome.
That suit, it's--it's incredible.
Mikro
It smells…funny.
-
Roger
I need you to give me a ride in an hour.
Ricko
[Sighs]
Where to?
Roger
The dance.
Ricko
You takin' my client's daughter?
Roger
Yes.
We need to pick her up too.
Ricko
Well, Uncle Ricko's got a sale to finalize in West Terre Haute in five minutes. I’m selling natural herbal supplements now. It’s like that Enzyte stuff, but it works for men and women. Sometimes the demonstration takes longer…than expected.
Roger
Well, can you just take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever?
Ricko
[Exhales, grumbles]
-
Ricko
Well, I'll be back in a minute.
Don't disturb me while I'm in there.
Roger
Well, hurry up, 'cause I gotta get Ann.
Ricko
Hi. I got your 2 month supply right here.
[Roger begins to run back towards town]
Roger
So you guys are, like, Mikro's band mates with all the sweet hookups?
Mikro's Band mate #1
You Mikro’s homie? Get in. I hope you like Dream Theater.
-
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Dad
Who's the hell is that in my driveway?
Roger
That's my ride.
-
Roger
Do you wanna go over by my friend Mikro and read PI’s?
-
Mikro
Roger. When did you get here?
Roger
Just a couple minutes ago. I almost clocked in late.
Have you guys seen Ann anywhere?
Liz
No.
Roger
Oh. She probably just went to test her shoes and wrist strap.
Are you guys having a killer time?
Liz
Yes.
Mikro
If you can't find Ann, I'll let you dance with Liz for a few songs. You can even put your hand on her butt.
-
Roger
I like your Capri pants. They show off your ankles nice.
Liz
Thank you. I bought them on clearance at Wal Mart.
Roger
So you and Mikro are getting really serious now?
Liz
No. We're just friends. You can’t get real serious with a drummer, know what I mean?
Roger
Uh Huh.
How are your glamour shots selling?
Liz
Pretty good.
I could do a “personal” portrait sometime...if you wanted to come over.
Roger
Uh, Okay.
-
Mikro
Do you think people will vote for me to be leader of the Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Roger
Heck, yes. I'd vote for you. You could get them to serve free brownies.
Mikro
Like, what are my skills?
Roger
Well, you have a sweet metro cart...
and you're really good at sniffing out brownies.
Plus you're, like, the only guy at work who has a long ponytail and a soul patch.
Mikro
That's true.
Roger
If you need to use any of my skills,
I can do whatever you want.
Mikro
Thanks.
If I win, you can be my janitor or something.
Roger
Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too.
Or, like, Secret Service captain or...whatever.
Mikro
No, just clean up the cafeteria…
-
Roger
Whoa! Is that yours?
Frank
Don't touch it. It's Uncle Ricko's.
Roger
What's the heck is it for?
Frank
It's a penis enlarger, Roger.
He bought it online.
Roger
Yeah, right. Ya gotta have one to enlarge one.
Frank
It works, Roger. You don't even know.
Roger
Have you guys tried it yet?
Frank
No. Uncle Ricko said he wanted to try it in private.
-
Frank
So, are you ready?
Roger
Yeah. Hold on.
I forgot to hook up the load box.
Kay, turn it on.
[Current Surges]
Roger
[Groaning, Grunting]
Dude--!
Oh--!
[Groaning]
My Gawd--
[Groaning]
[Groaning]
Turn it off! Turn it off, Frank!
[Moaning]
[Groans]
It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work. Jeez, it’s even smaller now! And it’s smoking!
[Panting]
Ricko
Well, I could've told you that.
[Groans]
Got any more ice?
-
Roger
The defect in that one is squib open.
Judge
That's correct.
Roger
Yesss!
This one looks like Doug tried to remove the coating from the micro.
Judge
Correct.
Roger
Yesss!
-
Mikro
This module looks pretty good except for one little problem. The Diagnostic Data Out bits not containing data are not providing a logic zero.
Judge
Well done.
-end pt 4
Ashleigh
Vote Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Ashleigh
Vote for Ashleigh. Thanks.
Andy
Yeah. Vote for Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Ashleigh
Hi. Vote for Ashleigh
Hi, Vote for Ashleigh. You guys voting?
Mikro
Do you think it's kinda warm in here?
Roger
No.
Mikro
I think it's-- They must have the burn-in chamber doors open or something.
Roger
It seems pretty good to me.
Mikro
You don't feel like your head is burning or-- or anything?
Roger
Which one?
Mikro
I'm gonna go home and lay down. Put me down for casual time.
Roger
Kay, See ya.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Roger
Yeah, right. I'm not votin' for her.
Andy
Then who are you gonna vote for?
Roger
I'm votin' for Mikro Chipkai.
Who do you think?
Andy
[Scoffs] Now that I’m calling the shots on weekends, I don’t care who you vote for.
Roger
Hey, Andy, can I have one of those buttons? [Roger proceeds to stuff the button up Andy’s butt]
Andy
Ow! Hey! Mmmm…
-
Frank
So, that guy in Terre Haute give you your money back yet?
Ricko
Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities
if I don't get a refund in full.
[Sighs]
Don't you ever wish you could go back...
with all the knowledge you have now? Get that Mustang you always wanted…
Frank
I guess so.
Ricko
Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now.
You'd find your soul mate.
Frank
I've already got a soul mate.
Ricko
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Frank
Mickey. I think it’s short for Michelle or something.
Ricko
Mickey. Huh.
How's she doin'?
Frank
Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. I think have enough vacation time built up.
She's riding the bus out from San Francisco for a few days.
Ricko
Well, what about work?
Well, haven't-- haven't you studied up on the new product?
Frank
Yes.
Ricko
Well, do you know it backwards and front?
Frank
What’s there to know? I got the quality policy right here on my badge!
Ricko
Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours?
You might as well do somethin' while you're waiting for a burn cart to come out.
Frank
Because she doesn't need any. That's why. Neither do I, ‘cause I get wood just about every morning.
-
Roger
Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.
Mikro
Gee, thanks. A hole. That will get them to vote for me for sure.
Roger
Why do you got your ESD smock up like that?
Mikro
Well, when I came home from work, my body started to get really hot.
So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing.
So I laid in the bathtub for a while...
but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my body so hot.
So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I feel better, but I don't want anyone to see.
Roger
I know what you mean. Did it really make that much difference to shave your eyebrows, too?
Mikro
Not really. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have done the crack of my ass or my pubes.
Liz
[Sighs]
There's just not many options.
Roger
That one's good. Looks like an engineer.
Mikro
No, I don’t wanna look like Brian.
Liz
You know, you're right.
Here’s another.
Roger
Sorry.
Liz
I think this one matches your shirt, Mikro.
Mikro
But my shirt is plaid…
[Visual description for those of you reading this at home. Mikro’s new hair is a multi-color clown wig, with a matching merkin to replace his pubes. Nothing was available to match his ass crack hairs or his eyebrows. His soul patch is a clipping from the wig, super-glued in place. Please do not make fun of him, he’s very sensitive.]
-
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Vote for Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a donut.
Shane
I don't have any, Jimmy La’belly.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. Make it a buck. I’m real hungry.
Shane
I don't have--
Stop.
Don’t. Stop. Stop.
Jimmy La’belly
I'll do this to you.
Shane
Don't. NO! Don’t show me your belly! Aahhh!
Here. Here. Take my money!
Roger
How's your head?
Shane
My brain hurts. There’s some things a man shouldn’t see.
Roger
That's too bad.
Mikro offers you his protection.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, let me borrow your metro cart.
Shane
No.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. I’ll clear some burn fails for you.
Shane
Like I would believe that!
[Mikro’s band mates show up. They look kinda sick, maybe even contagious. Everyone scatters. Jimmy La’belly tries to run, but his belly slaps him in the face, knocking him out cold.]
-
Ricko
Hey, you Ann?
Ann
Yeah.
Ricko
You remember me?
I'm a friend of you mom's.
I'm-- I'm Roger's uncle. Uncle Ricko.
Ann
Oh. Yeah.
Ricko
Hey, could you do me a favor?
Could you give your mom a couple of these herbal samples and
tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?
Ann
'Kay.
Ricko
You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some.
Have a nice day.
Ann & Ashleigh
[Scoff]
-
Ricko
[Yelps]
[Groans]
Why the heck you throwin' crap at my Pacer, I mean Mustang, Roger?
Roger
Everybody at work thinks I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
Ricko
[Straining]
You are an idiot! You're gonna clean my Pacer, I mean Mustang...right now.
Roger
Get off of me, you Timmeh lover!
Ricko
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Roger
[Groans]
Ricko
[Groaning]
-
Crowd
[Chattering]
Boy
Higher. No, no, higher.
Yeah!
Crowd
[Cheering, Hooting]
[Cheering, Hooting]
Boy
Yeah. Hit it!
-
Roger
Dang.
-
Principal
Look, Mikro. I don't know how they do things over in Indiana,
but here in Marshall we have a little something called respectful workplace.
Understand?
Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Ashleigh
is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire factory.
-
Dad-Z
Welcome to Dad-Z’s African Dance Grooves.
Are you ready to get your proud African groove on?
Roger
Yes.
Dad-Z
All right, then. Let's get started.
-
Liz
Are you disqualified?
Mikro
No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas. It’s probably for the best, the drawings really sucked.
Liz
Can you still run for Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Mikro
Yes.
I don't understand.
He say...you're not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people.
But we do it in Indiana all the time, but with real people.
Liz
Your hair looked great today.
Mikro
Uhh, thank you.
Liz
All right.
See you tomorrow, Mikro.
Mikro
[To himself] I think that broad is nuts.
-
Roger
[Burps]
Who are you?
Mickey
[In a husky voice] I'm Mickey.
Roger
What are you doing here?
Mickey
I'm waiting for Frank.
Roger
Frank?
Mickey
Why are you so sweaty?
Roger
I been practicing.
Mickey
Mmm. Practicing what?
Roger
Some dance moves.
Mickey
You like dancing?
Frank
Well, my chores are done.
So, you ready, Mickey?
Mickey
I am, honey.
Frank
Sorry, Roger. We're just runnin' a little bit late for a show at the Ram Rod.
Tell Uncle Ricko not to wait up for me.
Mickey
Here. You might like this tape. It’s the Village People.
I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby.
Bye, Roger.
Roger
See ya.
Frank
Mickey is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'm a hundred and ten percent positive that she's my soul mate.
Roger
Why is she so tall and have an Adam’s Apple?
Frank
She’s just big boned.
Roger
Yeah, more than you think…
-
Liz
Is this what you were looking for?
Ricko
Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more... like a Mustang.
Liz
Hmm. Well...
I could wrap you in some pink bubble wrap or... perhaps something more conductive?
Ricko
Yeah, conductive’s good.
[Chuckles]
Liz
[Sighs]
It'd be really nice if I could get the ionizer fan going.
Ricko
You know, Liz, you have...striking features.
How’s your…libido?
Liz
You have no idea Mr. Ricko.
Ricko
My friends and clients, they call me "Uncle Ricko."
Liz
Now what are you doing?
Ricko
Shh. don't say another word.
Roger told me you'd be interested.
Liz
Roger?
Ricko
You stop wishin', and call me when you're ready.
-
Roger
Hello?
Liz
Roger?
Roger
Yeah. Who's this?
Liz
It's Liz...
and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a roundhole.
Roger
What the heck are you even talkin' about?
Liz
Don't lie, Roger.
Your Uncle Ricko told me you thought I had libido problems.
Roger
What?
Liz
I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself.
And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself? You could have been eating down here…but you blew it.
-
Roger
Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Ricko
Uh, she didn't tell me anything.
Roger
Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here
when she gets back because you've been ruining
everybody's lives and eatin' all our brownies.
Ricko
I'm not goin' anywhere, Roger. Besides, my Pacer, I mean Mustang is in the shop getting a new footprint gas pedal installed.
Roger
Get off my propertah!
Ricko
You don’t have the authoritah. I can do whatever I want.
Roger
Get off my property, or I'll call Sheldon on you.
Ricko
Well, then do it. Go on.
Roger
Maybe I will. Gosh!
-END PART 5
Mikro
Hello?
Roger
Mikro? How's it goin'?
Mikro
Pretty good.
Roger
Liz just called me.
She pretty much hates me by now. But that may not be so bad.
Mikro
Why?
Roger
'Cause my Uncle Ricko's an idiot! Nobody can get him to do any analysis!
Mikro
Do you have anything to give to her?
Roger
No, not unless she likes crabs.
Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
Mikro
Yes.
Roger
Do you already know what you're gonna say?
Mikro
Yes...I thought I would just recite some lines from Al Gore’s acceptance speech. I found a copy of it on the net.
Roger
Just tell 'em that...Dream Theater will come to Marshall if they vote for you.
Mikro
[Sighs]
Roger
I'll see you tomorrow, Mikro.
Ricko
Now, if you look right here, we have Susanna from Paris, IL.
Would you like to read her testimonial right there?
Terri
Sure. Um...
"After using Schlong, Titty & Kitty Plus, I have such big desires--"
I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Ricko
Oh, that's fine. That's fine.
But do you feel comfortable with me?
Ray
Come here, boy! Get this damn analysis done!
[Commotion, Crashing]
Ricko
[Yelping]
-
Ashleigh
Well, I never thought I would make it here today.
I would be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader because
I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and
I'm also gonna get them to put Lifetime channel on the TV’s.
Oh, we're gonna get new pink instead of blue smocks.
Anyway, I think I'd be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader, so, uh...
who wants to eat egg rolls and brownies next year?
Not me. It’s gonna be lettuce salads every day!
Vote for Ashleigh.
Phil
And now Ashleigh will perform her skit with
members of our very own Flatulence Aroma Reduction Team (F.A.R.T.).
Woman
Your speech is up next.
Your skit had better be pretty good.
Mikro
A skit?
Woman
You perform a skit after your speech, Mikro.
Roger
What? A flippin' skit?
Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
[Ashleighs Skit is Performed]
Mikro
I dont' want to be on the Cafeteria Improvement Team anyway.
Roger
Mikro, just tell them how wonderful a warm brownie is after you eat an eggroll cooked in buffalo grease. And the simple pleasures of a Twinkie Wiener Sandwich. That will get their mouths to watering.
Mikro
Hello.
I don't have too much to say.
But I think it would be good to have
some cool music to listen to while we eat
like Dream Theater or something like that.
It would be nice to have a drum kit with double bass in the corner.
The cafeteria workers should bathe at least once a week.
And...we have a great All Hands Meeting schedule lined up--
We hold those in the cafeteria.
If you vote for me, we could all have nice warm brownies.
Thank you.
Phil
Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by Mikro Sanchez.
Roger
[Sighs]
[Roger Dances, or has an epileptic seizure. Take your pick.]
-
Roger
I bought you some more of those high water pants.
You wanna fool around?
Liz
No, I’m waiting for Rob to come to his senses and take me back.
-
Harold
I, uh, would like to give you this advice.
And a fella give me some years ago.
He said, "When you have a lot of burn fails...
if you go outside and smoke a cigarette...
you'll calm down and then you can come back and the burn fails will still be there waiting for you.
Is there anything else you'd like to ask about?
Timmeh
[Grunts]
Ricko
Mikro. Where the heck's Roger?
Mikro
I don't know.
Harold
Mike “Mickey” White, do you take Franklin Dynamite
to be your lawful wedded husband...
to honor in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Mickey
I do.
Harold
Frankland Dynamite do you take Mike “Mickey” White
to be your lawful wedded…uhh… whatever… in sickness and health
'till death do you part?
Frank
You know I do.
Harold
By the authoritah vested in me, I pronounce you man and … uhhmm.
You may kiss the …each other.
Frank
[Sings]
Why do you love me
Why do you need me
Always and forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
[Feedback]
But you, you make me "salvivate"
Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever
Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heaven above
Always and forever
Always and forever
Yes our love is truly great
Always and forever
Why do you need me
Why do you love me
Roger
Sorry I'm late.
I just got done clearing all of the fails that Doug left me.
Frank
Hmm.
Roger
Thanks.
I hope your guys's experiences are unforgettable.
Frank
Hmm.
Lookee, lookee. A little keepsake for you guys.
Roger
Lucky.
(No Repair Tech's were harmed much in the making of this film)
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