640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates '81
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Landau's Programming Paradoxes:
The world's best programmer has to be someone.
The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time computing and the more it spends time doing more humanlike work.
A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon and will specify software only that far.
When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked and will work again some day.
Turnauckas' Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long a it electrical cord.
The Law of Computerdo According to Golub:
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding cost.
A carelessly planned project will take only twice as long.
The effort required to correct course increases geometricallly with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting becase it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Blauw's Law:
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs:
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
The Law of Computability Applied to Social Science:
The first 90 per cent of the tasks takes 10 per cent of the time and the last 10 per cent takes the other 90 per cent.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
The Guys' Rules...
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ?the rules? from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, Point spread.
Sports Illust. Bathing Suit Pictures
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ?the rules? from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, Point spread.
Sports Illust. Bathing Suit Pictures
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
Red Skelton's tips on marriage...
Red Skelton's tips on marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary?
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the old
days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter
word......just clean and simple fun!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary?
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the old
days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter
word......just clean and simple fun!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Parody: Roger Dynamite
Roger Dynamite
Starring:
Roger B. as Roger Dynamite
Frank W. as Frank Dynamite
Rick M. as Uncle Ricko
Mike C. as Mikro
Also starring other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons are pure coincidence. This is a PARODY!
Roger Sighs]
-
Audio
Random employee:
What are you gonna do today Roger?
Roger:
Probably a lot of Burn fails. Gosh!
-
Karen (in the weekly line meeting):
Do you have any issues to address, Roger?
Roger:
Yeah this is Roger. Last week, Doug went to 51 meetings, leaving me with a total of 1403 modules WIP at the beginning of the shift for that week. Since I had to cover Flex 8 also, I just couldn’t get much done. And the constant pages over the intercom are causing my braces to buzz, and my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Karen :
Sorry I asked…
-
Brian:
Hey, Roger, what'd you do all last week again?
Roger:
I told you. I spent it looking for load box harnesses. Why don’t you read my emails? Gosh!
Brian:
Did you find any?
Roger:
Yes, like 50 of 'em. They kept tryin' to wrap themselves around my throat an’ choke me. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Brian:
What kind of PTM did you use?
Roger:
A frickin' Honda. What do you think?
-
Roger:
Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Lynn H.:
Is there anything wrong?
Roger:
I don't feel very good.
-
Frank:
Hi
Roger:
Is Grandma there?
Frank:
No, she's getting her hair done.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank:
What do you need?
Roger:
Can you just go get her for me?
Frank:
I'm really busy right now.
Roger:
Well, just tell her to come get me.
Frank:
Why?
Roger:
'Cause I don't feel good.
Frank:
Well, have you talked to Lynn, the nurse?
Roger:
No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Frank:
No.
Roger:
Well, will you do me a favor then?
Frank:
What?
Roger:
Can you bring me some brownies?
Frank:
No, Roger
Roger:
But I’m really hungry.
Frank:
Just get some from the work nurse. I know she has, like, a buncha brownies in her drawer.
Roger:
I'm not gonna eat hers, you sicko. Well, maybe one or two…
Frank:
See ya. [Dial Tone]
Roger:
[Groans] Idiot!
-
Woman on the Intercom.:
Sharon, Ann, Ashleigh, Liz, material handler, machine tech, test maintenance, QC, someone from TBM, security, and a burn operator please call 2358 please.
Phil:
You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the War Room is down the hall to the right.
Roger:
Hey, is that a new tech or something?
Phil:
Roger, this is Mikro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?
Roger:
Sure. Come on.
-
Roger:
You know, there's, like, a buttload of idiot teams at this factory. This one team kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a overhead projector. Do you carpool to work?
Mikro:
No, I drive a car. But I want an Eclipse.
Roger:
What kind of repair tech cart do you have?
-
Audio
Mikro:
It's a wide body Metro.
Roger:
Dang! You got red and white tape, wide tires, and even a large conductive tote. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
-
Audio
Roger:
You got, like, three inches of air that time. Can I try it really quick? [Groans] Ow! Dang it!
-
Grandma:
How was work?
Roger:
The worst day of my life. What do you think?
Grandma:
Well, I want you to go see if Timmeh wants some of this.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank hasn't done a flipping thing today. He’s as bad as Jim.
Grandma:
Look, tonight me and your--
Frank, listen!
Frank:
What?
Grandma:
Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Harold comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
Roger:
Well, what's there to eat?
Grandma:
Knock it off, Roundhole. Make yourself a dang kay-sah-dillah!
Roger:
Fine! But don’t call me Roundhole!!
Grandma:
I'll be back tomorrow.
Roger:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' brownies, Frank!
Frank:
Roger, don't be jealous that I've been online all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cucumber farmer.
Roger:
Since when, Frank? You can’t spell cucumber, let alone grow one!
Frank:
Try and hit me, Roger.
Roger:
What?
Frank:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Roger:
Such an idiot!
Frank:
Let me see what your best move is.
Roger:
[Sighs]
[Doorbell Rings]
Roger:
I'll go get it.
[Roger slaps Frank]
Frank:
Geez!
-
END OF PART ONE
Liz:
Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
Roger:
I don’t think anyone really wants to look like this.
Liz:
Not me, the picture! For a limited time only glamour shots by Liz are 75% off.
Roger:
I already get my hair cut in the sheep barn at the 4H Fair. They do pubes, too.
Liz:
Oh, my pubes fell out…but I tell people I shave. Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-made massage oils?
-
Ray: (on TV)
I'm Ray, founder of the Ray Cucumber Farming System. After one week with me at my farm, you'll be prepared to plant seeds at warp speed... irrigate your crop of cukes... and analyze potential threats from cucumber slugs. So come down today for your free trial lesson!
-
Liz:
In here we have some battery-operated novelties. A must-have for person who doesn’t get out much.
Roger:
I already have, I mean I don’t need that kinda stuff. Jeez!
Liz:
Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for antibiotics.
Frank:
Your mom uses antibiotics.
-
Roger:
Timmeh, you fat lard. Come get some dinner.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Timmeh, eat. Eat the food.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Eat the food!
[Timmeh Grunting]
Frank:
It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.
-
Ray:
My name is Ray, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of Cucumber Farming that I developed over two years in the state penal farm. I need a volunteer.
[Frank raises hand]
Ray:
Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Okay. Now I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Take this hoe. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this everybody. Move the hoe in a hoeing motion. Hey watch it! I said in a hoeing motion, like this! My Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna hoe this dirt. Hoe the dirt, drop some seeds.
[Ray hits Frank with the hoe]
Frank:
Geez!
Ray:
Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you water the seeds. Come on. Hold the water bucket. Okay, do it again. Do it again.
Frank:
Ouch.
Ray:
Okay. You’ve managed to screw it up this time, but you’ll learn. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... we use the buddy system. No more farming solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody will disrespect you in over-alls? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Terri at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
-
Frank:
Well, that place was a rip-off.
-
Roger:
Hey, Harold.
[Cow Moos]
Harold:
None of these testers work smooth. I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
[Gunshot]
Roger:
So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
So, you got my back and everything?
Mikro:
What?
Roger:
Never mind. Have you heard about the company holiday party?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
Have you met anyone to ask yet?
Mikro:
No. But I probably will after work.
Roger:
Who you gonna ask?
Mikro:
That girl over there.
Roger:
Ashleigh? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Mikro:
Buy her some fries in the cafeteria or something.
Roger:
Yeah, my old girlfriend from Newport was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some time right now.
Mikro:
Is she hot?
Roger:
See for yourself.
Mikro:
Wow. The tattoos look nice.
Roger:
Yeah, I took her to “Jailhouse Tattoos” for her birthday one year.
Mikro:
I like her boob.
Roger:
Me too. I don’t know what happened to the other one.
-
Roger:
How long did it take you to grow that soul patch thingy?
Mikro:
A couple of days.
Roger:
I wish I could grow one. Are you gonna eat your brownie?
Mikro:
Of course.
Roger:
Can I have your crumbs?
[Mikro Nods]
Roger:
You see that girl over there? She was trying to sell me some junk.
Mikro:
Why?
Roger:
I don't know, but she took a crap on my porch.
Mikro:
She's pretty good-looking. At least Rob thought so, for a while.
Roger:
Do you dare me to go talk to her?
Mikro:
Sure.
-
Roger:
I see you're drinking Diet Coke. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole badger milk if you wanted to. Well, I have all your vibrators and stuff in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my jumbo bag of Cheetos in there anymore.
Liz:
Where's your locker?
-
Roger:
Hey, can I have one of your intimate appliances?
-
END OF PART 2
Jimmy La’belly:
Roger, give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No, go find your own.
Jimmy La’belly:
Come on. Give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything at first break.
Jimmy La’belly:
Get in mah belly!
[Roger Groans}
Roger:
G-- Gross. Freakin' idiot!
[Roger Sighs]
-
Roger:
Timmeh, come get some ham and your 2 liter of Pepsi.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Your grammar sucks.
[Vehicle Approaching]
[Roger Sighs]
Roger:
What the hell are you doing here, Uncle Ricko?
Ricko:
Your grandma got in a little trouble in Tijuana, and they won’t let her come home for awhile.
Roger:
What? Since when does she go to Tijuana?
Ricko:
Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.
[Timmeh Grunts, then belches.]
-
Roger:
Shut the hell up, Timmeh!
Frank:
So, when's Grandma coming back?
Ricko:
I don't know. Not sure. You know how the Mexican judicial system works.
Roger:
You don't have to stay here with us. We’re repair techs.
Ricko:
[Laughs]
Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Roger:
Well, Frank is, like, 39 years old.
Frank:
I don't mind if you stay.
Ricko:
Oh. Thanks, Frank.
Roger:
What the flip was Grandma doin' in Tijuana?
Ricko:
She was on a date...with her… girlfriend.
Roger:
Girlfriend!?
Ricko:
Hey, you guys want to see my Mustang?
-
Ricko:
[Chuckles]
So, what do you think?
Frank:
It's pretty cool, I guess, but this is an AMC Pacer.
Ricko:
No, it’s a Mustang.
Roger:
This is a frickin’ Pacer with “Mustang” hand painted on the side.
Frank:
Ricko, isn’t that a “My Little Pony” glued to the hood?
Ricko:
You know what? You can leave. Just go back to your bench an analyze something.
Roger:
You guys are retarded. Besides, it’s breaktime.
Frank:
So, are you and Jamie H. still together?
Ricko:
No. Not really.
Frank:
Why is that?
Ricko:
Well...she's jealous. Says I'm spending too much time with my car.
Frank:
Really?
Ricko:
Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend?
Frank:
Well, things are gettin' kinda wierd. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day... so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bail her out for a few days and try to nail her.
Ricko:
Wow. Well, what's she look like?
Frank:
She's uh—she’s never sent me a picture. She says she’s camera shy. And she won’t let me call her on the phone; she’s like got a cold or something.
Ricko:
Hey, you know... I got a little project... that we might be able to make a little moola with.
Frank:
Really? That sounds pretty good.
Ricko:
Have you ever heard of methamphetamines?
-
Ricko:
Back in '82, I could shake it up like the King.
Frank:
Are you serious?
Ricko:
I'm dead serious. Watch this.
[Roger Groans]
Roger:
What the heck are you doing?
Frank:
That's called a hunka hunka burnin’ love.
Mikro:
I better go.
[Ricko Chuckles]
Ricko:
Frank, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel?
Frank:
Easy. I've already Googled it for myself.
Ricko:
Right on. Right on.
-
Ashleigh:
Is Mikro here today?
Roger:
I don't think so. Why?
Ashleigh:
Just wondering. Can you, uh, give this note to him for me?
Roger:
Okay. Hey, Ashleigh, you want to hook up later?
Ashleigh:
Eww! [she slaps Roger] [SLAP]
Roger:
Ow. God.
-
Liz:
What are you drawing?
Roger:
A Roundhole.
Liz:
What's a Roundhole?
Roger:
It's pretty much my favorite object. It's like a hole that’s perfectly round.
Liz:
Hmm. It looks kinda familiar.
[Sighs]
Where's your friend?
Roger:
I don't know. Did you see him today?
Liz:
No. But what about your “other friend”? [She gestures to his lap]
Roger:
What the flip are you talking about? Jeez!
Liz:
Do you… need a ride?
Roger:
No. I missed the carpool today, but my uncle's coming to get me.
Liz:
Oh.
[Horn Honks. It’s one of those musical horns, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”]
Roger:
See ya.
Ricko:
Right. I-- I think just a little bit east of the projects is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money.
Frank:
So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?
Ricko:
What are you-- You're already losing your steam?
Frank:
No. I just-- I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Ricko:
All right, you just start your shift a little earlier. That's all.
Frank:
All right.
Ricko:
Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Frank:
Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Sometimes I surf for porn afterwards. I don't know.
-
Woman:
Bueno.
Roger:
Hello?
Woman:
Who's this?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite.
Woman:
Who?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite. I'm one of Mikro's best friends.
Woman:
Your name is Roger Dynamite?
Roger:
Yes. Is Mikro there?
Woman:
No, he's not here right now.
Roger:
Okay, bye.
-
Ricko
See, Crystal Street.
That's for you.
I'm goin' to Adams Park.
They got some money in Adams Park.
Frank
What?
Ricko
Let's go, Frank.
I think we should take this someplace a little more private.
Frank
That's a good idea, because that guy sitting in that van with the binoculars is freaking me out.
-
Ricko
Before we get started on our new project,
I have a few concerns.
First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation.
I mean, do you--you got a car you can borrow from someone?
Frank
Roger usually tows me around behind his bike on skates.
Ricko
You can borrow my Pacer, I mean Mustang for the time being.
I-- I do better on foot anyway.
Frank
How about some guns?
Ricko
We need, like, some guns with the numbers filed off, or some water balloons filled with shaving cream. I mean, we gotta watch ourselves.
Frank
That's true. That's true.
-
Roger
Where have you been?
Mikro
I got sick.
Roger
Has Ashleigh said anything to you yet?
Mikro
No, not yet.
Roger
Well, she said no.
Mikro
She did?
Well, what about that other girl?
Roger
What other girl?
Mikro
The one that took a crap on your porch.
Roger
You mean Liz?
Mikro
Yes, her.
Roger
What about her?
Mikro
Well, I asked her out too.
Roger
What?!
-
Roger
Well, nobody's gonna go out with me. I can’t get my own hand to touch me.
Mikro
Have you asked anybody yet?
Roger
No, but who would?
I don't even have any good skills.
Mikro
What do you mean?
Roger
You know, like soldering skills, troubleshooting skills, computer skills.
Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Mikro
Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, round things and stuff?
Roger
Yes. Probably the best that I know of.
Mikro
Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out,
and give it to her for, like, a gift or something.
Roger
That's a pretty good idea. I think I’ll draw something round, with a hole in it.
-
Ricko
Now, if you buy this little baggie of stuff
I'm gonna throw in a little gift.
Man
So, what's the gift?
Ricko
I bet you folks don't have one of these.
Woman
I could use a skull shaped cigar lighter.
Ricko
You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill dope.
These are some serious hits, without the anhydrous aftertaste…
Man
So, I buys da baggie...
the skull lighter is included?
Ricko
That's correct, sir.
Medsker, you look like a strong young pup.
Why don't you see if you can give that a nice hit.
Don't hurt yourself now.
Man
Wow.
Ricko
So, uh...
how does the "dealio" sound to you?
-
Frank
Dang it.
END OF PART 3
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Mom
Oh, I'm sorry, she's not.
She's at a friend's house right now.
Ricko
Well, hey, Roger.
Roger's my nephew.
Ann's Mom
Oh, that's nice.
Roger
Could you just give this to her for me?
Ann's Mom
I certainly could.
Roger
Thanks.
Ann's Mom
Bye-bye.
Ricko
Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in jail.
He still wets the bed and whines about burn fails.
Ann's Mom
You're kidding.
Ricko
Yeah, he's a tender little guy.
He still gets beat up and whatnot.
-
Frank:
Ow!
Roger:
What the crap was Uncle Ricko doin' over at my girlfriend's house?
Frank:
Roger, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Roger:
Fine. What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Frank:
You do that on your own. I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Ricko. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Roger:
I did?
Frank:
Yeah, is it bleeding?
[Door Opens]
Roger:
A little bit.
Ricko:
Hey, Frank. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Roger. I’m not that kinda guy.
Roger:
I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.
Ricko:
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playin' patty-cake with your friend Mikro, your Uncle Ricko... is makin' 120 bucks.
Roger:
I could make that much jacking off pigs at the 4H fair.
Frank:
Geez. Yeah, right, Roger. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Ricko:
Roger, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Timmeh. His 2 liter of Pepsi is about empty.
Roger:
Why do we keep that bastard Timmeh around, anyhoo? He’s worse than wipin’ your ass with a cactus.
-
[Roger Dynamite's Voice Reading Letter]
There's a lot more where this came from if you go to the dance with me.
Yours truly, Roger Dynamite.
Ann's Mother
You know you're gonna go to that dance with that boy.
Ann
[Groans]
-
Doug
By noon I need them 8,000 modules updated for burn.
Sometimes they need soldered, or whatever its called. I forget…
But I figured out if you give 'em a good shakin', they'll register a crash.
Roger
Did you do anything today?
Doug
I went to meetings.
Roger
Meetings?
Doug
I’m late for the Parking Lot Resurfacing Team Meeting.
Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and you’d better get these done.
-
[Doug farts]
Roger
Ew!
-
Doug
[sniffs]
Well, that smelled fruity.
Harold
Over there, in that burn chamber I found a couple more of your burn fails.
Roger
[Groans]
-
Roger
I cleared 8,000 modules today.
Doug just did one, and he didn’t even finish it.
[Phone Rings]
Roger
Yeah, this is Roger.
Ann
Hi. Is Roger there?
Roger
I already said this is Roger!
Ann
Can I talk to him?
Roger
You already are!
Ann
Oh.
Roger, this is Ann.
I'm just calling to tell you that...
I can go to the dance with you.
And also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing of the … uhm…round thingy.
It's hanging in my bedroom.
Roger
Really?
Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on round part.
It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Ann
Yeah, it's really...nice.
Roger
Yeah, well, I'll probably pick you up at 6:00 for the dance.
Is that okay?
Ann
That's fine.
Roger
K, bye.
Ann
Bye.
[Groans]
Mikro
Who was that?
Roger
Ann.
Mikro
Who's she?
Roger
My woman I'm takin' to the dance.
Mikro
Do you draw her a picture?
Roger
Heck, yes, I did! A cool hole, round and everything!
Mikro
Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Roger
Just, like, a blue ESD smock or something.
What are you gonna wear?
Mikro
Liz has something for me.
But you should probably get a suit.
-
Roger
Mikro, how do you feel about that one?
Mikro
It looks nice. I like the material. Is it ESD safe?
Roger
Yeah. It looks pretty sweet.
It looks awesome.
That suit, it's--it's incredible.
Mikro
It smells…funny.
-
Roger
I need you to give me a ride in an hour.
Ricko
[Sighs]
Where to?
Roger
The dance.
Ricko
You takin' my client's daughter?
Roger
Yes.
We need to pick her up too.
Ricko
Well, Uncle Ricko's got a sale to finalize in West Terre Haute in five minutes. I’m selling natural herbal supplements now. It’s like that Enzyte stuff, but it works for men and women. Sometimes the demonstration takes longer…than expected.
Roger
Well, can you just take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever?
Ricko
[Exhales, grumbles]
-
Ricko
Well, I'll be back in a minute.
Don't disturb me while I'm in there.
Roger
Well, hurry up, 'cause I gotta get Ann.
Ricko
Hi. I got your 2 month supply right here.
[Roger begins to run back towards town]
Roger
So you guys are, like, Mikro's band mates with all the sweet hookups?
Mikro's Band mate #1
You Mikro’s homie? Get in. I hope you like Dream Theater.
-
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Dad
Who's the hell is that in my driveway?
Roger
That's my ride.
-
Roger
Do you wanna go over by my friend Mikro and read PI’s?
-
Mikro
Roger. When did you get here?
Roger
Just a couple minutes ago. I almost clocked in late.
Have you guys seen Ann anywhere?
Liz
No.
Roger
Oh. She probably just went to test her shoes and wrist strap.
Are you guys having a killer time?
Liz
Yes.
Mikro
If you can't find Ann, I'll let you dance with Liz for a few songs. You can even put your hand on her butt.
-
Roger
I like your Capri pants. They show off your ankles nice.
Liz
Thank you. I bought them on clearance at Wal Mart.
Roger
So you and Mikro are getting really serious now?
Liz
No. We're just friends. You can’t get real serious with a drummer, know what I mean?
Roger
Uh Huh.
How are your glamour shots selling?
Liz
Pretty good.
I could do a “personal” portrait sometime...if you wanted to come over.
Roger
Uh, Okay.
-
Mikro
Do you think people will vote for me to be leader of the Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Roger
Heck, yes. I'd vote for you. You could get them to serve free brownies.
Mikro
Like, what are my skills?
Roger
Well, you have a sweet metro cart...
and you're really good at sniffing out brownies.
Plus you're, like, the only guy at work who has a long ponytail and a soul patch.
Mikro
That's true.
Roger
If you need to use any of my skills,
I can do whatever you want.
Mikro
Thanks.
If I win, you can be my janitor or something.
Roger
Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too.
Or, like, Secret Service captain or...whatever.
Mikro
No, just clean up the cafeteria…
-
Roger
Whoa! Is that yours?
Frank
Don't touch it. It's Uncle Ricko's.
Roger
What's the heck is it for?
Frank
It's a penis enlarger, Roger.
He bought it online.
Roger
Yeah, right. Ya gotta have one to enlarge one.
Frank
It works, Roger. You don't even know.
Roger
Have you guys tried it yet?
Frank
No. Uncle Ricko said he wanted to try it in private.
-
Frank
So, are you ready?
Roger
Yeah. Hold on.
I forgot to hook up the load box.
Kay, turn it on.
[Current Surges]
Roger
[Groaning, Grunting]
Dude--!
Oh--!
[Groaning]
My Gawd--
[Groaning]
[Groaning]
Turn it off! Turn it off, Frank!
[Moaning]
[Groans]
It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work. Jeez, it’s even smaller now! And it’s smoking!
[Panting]
Ricko
Well, I could've told you that.
[Groans]
Got any more ice?
-
Roger
The defect in that one is squib open.
Judge
That's correct.
Roger
Yesss!
This one looks like Doug tried to remove the coating from the micro.
Judge
Correct.
Roger
Yesss!
-
Mikro
This module looks pretty good except for one little problem. The Diagnostic Data Out bits not containing data are not providing a logic zero.
Judge
Well done.
-end pt 4
Ashleigh
Vote Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Ashleigh
Vote for Ashleigh. Thanks.
Andy
Yeah. Vote for Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Ashleigh
Hi. Vote for Ashleigh
Hi, Vote for Ashleigh. You guys voting?
Mikro
Do you think it's kinda warm in here?
Roger
No.
Mikro
I think it's-- They must have the burn-in chamber doors open or something.
Roger
It seems pretty good to me.
Mikro
You don't feel like your head is burning or-- or anything?
Roger
Which one?
Mikro
I'm gonna go home and lay down. Put me down for casual time.
Roger
Kay, See ya.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Roger
Yeah, right. I'm not votin' for her.
Andy
Then who are you gonna vote for?
Roger
I'm votin' for Mikro Chipkai.
Who do you think?
Andy
[Scoffs] Now that I’m calling the shots on weekends, I don’t care who you vote for.
Roger
Hey, Andy, can I have one of those buttons? [Roger proceeds to stuff the button up Andy’s butt]
Andy
Ow! Hey! Mmmm…
-
Frank
So, that guy in Terre Haute give you your money back yet?
Ricko
Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities
if I don't get a refund in full.
[Sighs]
Don't you ever wish you could go back...
with all the knowledge you have now? Get that Mustang you always wanted…
Frank
I guess so.
Ricko
Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now.
You'd find your soul mate.
Frank
I've already got a soul mate.
Ricko
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Frank
Mickey. I think it’s short for Michelle or something.
Ricko
Mickey. Huh.
How's she doin'?
Frank
Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. I think have enough vacation time built up.
She's riding the bus out from San Francisco for a few days.
Ricko
Well, what about work?
Well, haven't-- haven't you studied up on the new product?
Frank
Yes.
Ricko
Well, do you know it backwards and front?
Frank
What’s there to know? I got the quality policy right here on my badge!
Ricko
Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours?
You might as well do somethin' while you're waiting for a burn cart to come out.
Frank
Because she doesn't need any. That's why. Neither do I, ‘cause I get wood just about every morning.
-
Roger
Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.
Mikro
Gee, thanks. A hole. That will get them to vote for me for sure.
Roger
Why do you got your ESD smock up like that?
Mikro
Well, when I came home from work, my body started to get really hot.
So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing.
So I laid in the bathtub for a while...
but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my body so hot.
So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I feel better, but I don't want anyone to see.
Roger
I know what you mean. Did it really make that much difference to shave your eyebrows, too?
Mikro
Not really. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have done the crack of my ass or my pubes.
Liz
[Sighs]
There's just not many options.
Roger
That one's good. Looks like an engineer.
Mikro
No, I don’t wanna look like Brian.
Liz
You know, you're right.
Here’s another.
Roger
Sorry.
Liz
I think this one matches your shirt, Mikro.
Mikro
But my shirt is plaid…
[Visual description for those of you reading this at home. Mikro’s new hair is a multi-color clown wig, with a matching merkin to replace his pubes. Nothing was available to match his ass crack hairs or his eyebrows. His soul patch is a clipping from the wig, super-glued in place. Please do not make fun of him, he’s very sensitive.]
-
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Vote for Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a donut.
Shane
I don't have any, Jimmy La’belly.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. Make it a buck. I’m real hungry.
Shane
I don't have--
Stop.
Don’t. Stop. Stop.
Jimmy La’belly
I'll do this to you.
Shane
Don't. NO! Don’t show me your belly! Aahhh!
Here. Here. Take my money!
Roger
How's your head?
Shane
My brain hurts. There’s some things a man shouldn’t see.
Roger
That's too bad.
Mikro offers you his protection.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, let me borrow your metro cart.
Shane
No.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. I’ll clear some burn fails for you.
Shane
Like I would believe that!
[Mikro’s band mates show up. They look kinda sick, maybe even contagious. Everyone scatters. Jimmy La’belly tries to run, but his belly slaps him in the face, knocking him out cold.]
-
Ricko
Hey, you Ann?
Ann
Yeah.
Ricko
You remember me?
I'm a friend of you mom's.
I'm-- I'm Roger's uncle. Uncle Ricko.
Ann
Oh. Yeah.
Ricko
Hey, could you do me a favor?
Could you give your mom a couple of these herbal samples and
tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?
Ann
'Kay.
Ricko
You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some.
Have a nice day.
Ann & Ashleigh
[Scoff]
-
Ricko
[Yelps]
[Groans]
Why the heck you throwin' crap at my Pacer, I mean Mustang, Roger?
Roger
Everybody at work thinks I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
Ricko
[Straining]
You are an idiot! You're gonna clean my Pacer, I mean Mustang...right now.
Roger
Get off of me, you Timmeh lover!
Ricko
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Roger
[Groans]
Ricko
[Groaning]
-
Crowd
[Chattering]
Boy
Higher. No, no, higher.
Yeah!
Crowd
[Cheering, Hooting]
[Cheering, Hooting]
Boy
Yeah. Hit it!
-
Roger
Dang.
-
Principal
Look, Mikro. I don't know how they do things over in Indiana,
but here in Marshall we have a little something called respectful workplace.
Understand?
Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Ashleigh
is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire factory.
-
Dad-Z
Welcome to Dad-Z’s African Dance Grooves.
Are you ready to get your proud African groove on?
Roger
Yes.
Dad-Z
All right, then. Let's get started.
-
Liz
Are you disqualified?
Mikro
No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas. It’s probably for the best, the drawings really sucked.
Liz
Can you still run for Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Mikro
Yes.
I don't understand.
He say...you're not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people.
But we do it in Indiana all the time, but with real people.
Liz
Your hair looked great today.
Mikro
Uhh, thank you.
Liz
All right.
See you tomorrow, Mikro.
Mikro
[To himself] I think that broad is nuts.
-
Roger
[Burps]
Who are you?
Mickey
[In a husky voice] I'm Mickey.
Roger
What are you doing here?
Mickey
I'm waiting for Frank.
Roger
Frank?
Mickey
Why are you so sweaty?
Roger
I been practicing.
Mickey
Mmm. Practicing what?
Roger
Some dance moves.
Mickey
You like dancing?
Frank
Well, my chores are done.
So, you ready, Mickey?
Mickey
I am, honey.
Frank
Sorry, Roger. We're just runnin' a little bit late for a show at the Ram Rod.
Tell Uncle Ricko not to wait up for me.
Mickey
Here. You might like this tape. It’s the Village People.
I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby.
Bye, Roger.
Roger
See ya.
Frank
Mickey is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'm a hundred and ten percent positive that she's my soul mate.
Roger
Why is she so tall and have an Adam’s Apple?
Frank
She’s just big boned.
Roger
Yeah, more than you think…
-
Liz
Is this what you were looking for?
Ricko
Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more... like a Mustang.
Liz
Hmm. Well...
I could wrap you in some pink bubble wrap or... perhaps something more conductive?
Ricko
Yeah, conductive’s good.
[Chuckles]
Liz
[Sighs]
It'd be really nice if I could get the ionizer fan going.
Ricko
You know, Liz, you have...striking features.
How’s your…libido?
Liz
You have no idea Mr. Ricko.
Ricko
My friends and clients, they call me "Uncle Ricko."
Liz
Now what are you doing?
Ricko
Shh. don't say another word.
Roger told me you'd be interested.
Liz
Roger?
Ricko
You stop wishin', and call me when you're ready.
-
Roger
Hello?
Liz
Roger?
Roger
Yeah. Who's this?
Liz
It's Liz...
and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a roundhole.
Roger
What the heck are you even talkin' about?
Liz
Don't lie, Roger.
Your Uncle Ricko told me you thought I had libido problems.
Roger
What?
Liz
I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself.
And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself? You could have been eating down here…but you blew it.
-
Roger
Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Ricko
Uh, she didn't tell me anything.
Roger
Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here
when she gets back because you've been ruining
everybody's lives and eatin' all our brownies.
Ricko
I'm not goin' anywhere, Roger. Besides, my Pacer, I mean Mustang is in the shop getting a new footprint gas pedal installed.
Roger
Get off my propertah!
Ricko
You don’t have the authoritah. I can do whatever I want.
Roger
Get off my property, or I'll call Sheldon on you.
Ricko
Well, then do it. Go on.
Roger
Maybe I will. Gosh!
-END PART 5
Mikro
Hello?
Roger
Mikro? How's it goin'?
Mikro
Pretty good.
Roger
Liz just called me.
She pretty much hates me by now. But that may not be so bad.
Mikro
Why?
Roger
'Cause my Uncle Ricko's an idiot! Nobody can get him to do any analysis!
Mikro
Do you have anything to give to her?
Roger
No, not unless she likes crabs.
Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
Mikro
Yes.
Roger
Do you already know what you're gonna say?
Mikro
Yes...I thought I would just recite some lines from Al Gore’s acceptance speech. I found a copy of it on the net.
Roger
Just tell 'em that...Dream Theater will come to Marshall if they vote for you.
Mikro
[Sighs]
Roger
I'll see you tomorrow, Mikro.
Ricko
Now, if you look right here, we have Susanna from Paris, IL.
Would you like to read her testimonial right there?
Terri
Sure. Um...
"After using Schlong, Titty & Kitty Plus, I have such big desires--"
I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Ricko
Oh, that's fine. That's fine.
But do you feel comfortable with me?
Ray
Come here, boy! Get this damn analysis done!
[Commotion, Crashing]
Ricko
[Yelping]
-
Ashleigh
Well, I never thought I would make it here today.
I would be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader because
I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and
I'm also gonna get them to put Lifetime channel on the TV’s.
Oh, we're gonna get new pink instead of blue smocks.
Anyway, I think I'd be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader, so, uh...
who wants to eat egg rolls and brownies next year?
Not me. It’s gonna be lettuce salads every day!
Vote for Ashleigh.
Phil
And now Ashleigh will perform her skit with
members of our very own Flatulence Aroma Reduction Team (F.A.R.T.).
Woman
Your speech is up next.
Your skit had better be pretty good.
Mikro
A skit?
Woman
You perform a skit after your speech, Mikro.
Roger
What? A flippin' skit?
Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
[Ashleighs Skit is Performed]
Mikro
I dont' want to be on the Cafeteria Improvement Team anyway.
Roger
Mikro, just tell them how wonderful a warm brownie is after you eat an eggroll cooked in buffalo grease. And the simple pleasures of a Twinkie Wiener Sandwich. That will get their mouths to watering.
Mikro
Hello.
I don't have too much to say.
But I think it would be good to have
some cool music to listen to while we eat
like Dream Theater or something like that.
It would be nice to have a drum kit with double bass in the corner.
The cafeteria workers should bathe at least once a week.
And...we have a great All Hands Meeting schedule lined up--
We hold those in the cafeteria.
If you vote for me, we could all have nice warm brownies.
Thank you.
Phil
Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by Mikro Sanchez.
Roger
[Sighs]
[Roger Dances, or has an epileptic seizure. Take your pick.]
-
Roger
I bought you some more of those high water pants.
You wanna fool around?
Liz
No, I’m waiting for Rob to come to his senses and take me back.
-
Harold
I, uh, would like to give you this advice.
And a fella give me some years ago.
He said, "When you have a lot of burn fails...
if you go outside and smoke a cigarette...
you'll calm down and then you can come back and the burn fails will still be there waiting for you.
Is there anything else you'd like to ask about?
Timmeh
[Grunts]
Ricko
Mikro. Where the heck's Roger?
Mikro
I don't know.
Harold
Mike “Mickey” White, do you take Franklin Dynamite
to be your lawful wedded husband...
to honor in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Mickey
I do.
Harold
Frankland Dynamite do you take Mike “Mickey” White
to be your lawful wedded…uhh… whatever… in sickness and health
'till death do you part?
Frank
You know I do.
Harold
By the authoritah vested in me, I pronounce you man and … uhhmm.
You may kiss the …each other.
Frank
[Sings]
Why do you love me
Why do you need me
Always and forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
[Feedback]
But you, you make me "salvivate"
Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever
Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heaven above
Always and forever
Always and forever
Yes our love is truly great
Always and forever
Why do you need me
Why do you love me
Roger
Sorry I'm late.
I just got done clearing all of the fails that Doug left me.
Frank
Hmm.
Roger
Thanks.
I hope your guys's experiences are unforgettable.
Frank
Hmm.
Lookee, lookee. A little keepsake for you guys.
Roger
Lucky.
(No Repair Tech's were harmed much in the making of this film)
Starring:
Roger B. as Roger Dynamite
Frank W. as Frank Dynamite
Rick M. as Uncle Ricko
Mike C. as Mikro
Also starring other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons are pure coincidence. This is a PARODY!
Roger Sighs]
-
Audio
Random employee:
What are you gonna do today Roger?
Roger:
Probably a lot of Burn fails. Gosh!
-
Karen (in the weekly line meeting):
Do you have any issues to address, Roger?
Roger:
Yeah this is Roger. Last week, Doug went to 51 meetings, leaving me with a total of 1403 modules WIP at the beginning of the shift for that week. Since I had to cover Flex 8 also, I just couldn’t get much done. And the constant pages over the intercom are causing my braces to buzz, and my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Karen :
Sorry I asked…
-
Brian:
Hey, Roger, what'd you do all last week again?
Roger:
I told you. I spent it looking for load box harnesses. Why don’t you read my emails? Gosh!
Brian:
Did you find any?
Roger:
Yes, like 50 of 'em. They kept tryin' to wrap themselves around my throat an’ choke me. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Brian:
What kind of PTM did you use?
Roger:
A frickin' Honda. What do you think?
-
Roger:
Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Lynn H.:
Is there anything wrong?
Roger:
I don't feel very good.
-
Frank:
Hi
Roger:
Is Grandma there?
Frank:
No, she's getting her hair done.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank:
What do you need?
Roger:
Can you just go get her for me?
Frank:
I'm really busy right now.
Roger:
Well, just tell her to come get me.
Frank:
Why?
Roger:
'Cause I don't feel good.
Frank:
Well, have you talked to Lynn, the nurse?
Roger:
No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Frank:
No.
Roger:
Well, will you do me a favor then?
Frank:
What?
Roger:
Can you bring me some brownies?
Frank:
No, Roger
Roger:
But I’m really hungry.
Frank:
Just get some from the work nurse. I know she has, like, a buncha brownies in her drawer.
Roger:
I'm not gonna eat hers, you sicko. Well, maybe one or two…
Frank:
See ya. [Dial Tone]
Roger:
[Groans] Idiot!
-
Woman on the Intercom.:
Sharon, Ann, Ashleigh, Liz, material handler, machine tech, test maintenance, QC, someone from TBM, security, and a burn operator please call 2358 please.
Phil:
You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the War Room is down the hall to the right.
Roger:
Hey, is that a new tech or something?
Phil:
Roger, this is Mikro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?
Roger:
Sure. Come on.
-
Roger:
You know, there's, like, a buttload of idiot teams at this factory. This one team kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a overhead projector. Do you carpool to work?
Mikro:
No, I drive a car. But I want an Eclipse.
Roger:
What kind of repair tech cart do you have?
-
Audio
Mikro:
It's a wide body Metro.
Roger:
Dang! You got red and white tape, wide tires, and even a large conductive tote. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
-
Audio
Roger:
You got, like, three inches of air that time. Can I try it really quick? [Groans] Ow! Dang it!
-
Grandma:
How was work?
Roger:
The worst day of my life. What do you think?
Grandma:
Well, I want you to go see if Timmeh wants some of this.
Roger:
[Sighs]
Frank hasn't done a flipping thing today. He’s as bad as Jim.
Grandma:
Look, tonight me and your--
Frank, listen!
Frank:
What?
Grandma:
Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Harold comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
Roger:
Well, what's there to eat?
Grandma:
Knock it off, Roundhole. Make yourself a dang kay-sah-dillah!
Roger:
Fine! But don’t call me Roundhole!!
Grandma:
I'll be back tomorrow.
Roger:
Stay home and eat all the freakin' brownies, Frank!
Frank:
Roger, don't be jealous that I've been online all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cucumber farmer.
Roger:
Since when, Frank? You can’t spell cucumber, let alone grow one!
Frank:
Try and hit me, Roger.
Roger:
What?
Frank:
I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Roger:
Such an idiot!
Frank:
Let me see what your best move is.
Roger:
[Sighs]
[Doorbell Rings]
Roger:
I'll go get it.
[Roger slaps Frank]
Frank:
Geez!
-
END OF PART ONE
Liz:
Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
Roger:
I don’t think anyone really wants to look like this.
Liz:
Not me, the picture! For a limited time only glamour shots by Liz are 75% off.
Roger:
I already get my hair cut in the sheep barn at the 4H Fair. They do pubes, too.
Liz:
Oh, my pubes fell out…but I tell people I shave. Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-made massage oils?
-
Ray: (on TV)
I'm Ray, founder of the Ray Cucumber Farming System. After one week with me at my farm, you'll be prepared to plant seeds at warp speed... irrigate your crop of cukes... and analyze potential threats from cucumber slugs. So come down today for your free trial lesson!
-
Liz:
In here we have some battery-operated novelties. A must-have for person who doesn’t get out much.
Roger:
I already have, I mean I don’t need that kinda stuff. Jeez!
Liz:
Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for antibiotics.
Frank:
Your mom uses antibiotics.
-
Roger:
Timmeh, you fat lard. Come get some dinner.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Timmeh, eat. Eat the food.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Eat the food!
[Timmeh Grunting]
Frank:
It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.
-
Ray:
My name is Ray, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of Cucumber Farming that I developed over two years in the state penal farm. I need a volunteer.
[Frank raises hand]
Ray:
Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Okay. Now I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Take this hoe. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this everybody. Move the hoe in a hoeing motion. Hey watch it! I said in a hoeing motion, like this! My Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna hoe this dirt. Hoe the dirt, drop some seeds.
[Ray hits Frank with the hoe]
Frank:
Geez!
Ray:
Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you water the seeds. Come on. Hold the water bucket. Okay, do it again. Do it again.
Frank:
Ouch.
Ray:
Okay. You’ve managed to screw it up this time, but you’ll learn. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... we use the buddy system. No more farming solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody will disrespect you in over-alls? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Terri at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
-
Frank:
Well, that place was a rip-off.
-
Roger:
Hey, Harold.
[Cow Moos]
Harold:
None of these testers work smooth. I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
[Gunshot]
Roger:
So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
So, you got my back and everything?
Mikro:
What?
Roger:
Never mind. Have you heard about the company holiday party?
Mikro:
Yes.
Roger:
Have you met anyone to ask yet?
Mikro:
No. But I probably will after work.
Roger:
Who you gonna ask?
Mikro:
That girl over there.
Roger:
Ashleigh? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Mikro:
Buy her some fries in the cafeteria or something.
Roger:
Yeah, my old girlfriend from Newport was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some time right now.
Mikro:
Is she hot?
Roger:
See for yourself.
Mikro:
Wow. The tattoos look nice.
Roger:
Yeah, I took her to “Jailhouse Tattoos” for her birthday one year.
Mikro:
I like her boob.
Roger:
Me too. I don’t know what happened to the other one.
-
Roger:
How long did it take you to grow that soul patch thingy?
Mikro:
A couple of days.
Roger:
I wish I could grow one. Are you gonna eat your brownie?
Mikro:
Of course.
Roger:
Can I have your crumbs?
[Mikro Nods]
Roger:
You see that girl over there? She was trying to sell me some junk.
Mikro:
Why?
Roger:
I don't know, but she took a crap on my porch.
Mikro:
She's pretty good-looking. At least Rob thought so, for a while.
Roger:
Do you dare me to go talk to her?
Mikro:
Sure.
-
Roger:
I see you're drinking Diet Coke. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole badger milk if you wanted to. Well, I have all your vibrators and stuff in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my jumbo bag of Cheetos in there anymore.
Liz:
Where's your locker?
-
Roger:
Hey, can I have one of your intimate appliances?
-
END OF PART 2
Jimmy La’belly:
Roger, give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No, go find your own.
Jimmy La’belly:
Come on. Give me some of your brownie crumbs.
Roger:
No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything at first break.
Jimmy La’belly:
Get in mah belly!
[Roger Groans}
Roger:
G-- Gross. Freakin' idiot!
[Roger Sighs]
-
Roger:
Timmeh, come get some ham and your 2 liter of Pepsi.
[Timmeh Grunts]
Roger:
Your grammar sucks.
[Vehicle Approaching]
[Roger Sighs]
Roger:
What the hell are you doing here, Uncle Ricko?
Ricko:
Your grandma got in a little trouble in Tijuana, and they won’t let her come home for awhile.
Roger:
What? Since when does she go to Tijuana?
Ricko:
Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.
[Timmeh Grunts, then belches.]
-
Roger:
Shut the hell up, Timmeh!
Frank:
So, when's Grandma coming back?
Ricko:
I don't know. Not sure. You know how the Mexican judicial system works.
Roger:
You don't have to stay here with us. We’re repair techs.
Ricko:
[Laughs]
Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Roger:
Well, Frank is, like, 39 years old.
Frank:
I don't mind if you stay.
Ricko:
Oh. Thanks, Frank.
Roger:
What the flip was Grandma doin' in Tijuana?
Ricko:
She was on a date...with her… girlfriend.
Roger:
Girlfriend!?
Ricko:
Hey, you guys want to see my Mustang?
-
Ricko:
[Chuckles]
So, what do you think?
Frank:
It's pretty cool, I guess, but this is an AMC Pacer.
Ricko:
No, it’s a Mustang.
Roger:
This is a frickin’ Pacer with “Mustang” hand painted on the side.
Frank:
Ricko, isn’t that a “My Little Pony” glued to the hood?
Ricko:
You know what? You can leave. Just go back to your bench an analyze something.
Roger:
You guys are retarded. Besides, it’s breaktime.
Frank:
So, are you and Jamie H. still together?
Ricko:
No. Not really.
Frank:
Why is that?
Ricko:
Well...she's jealous. Says I'm spending too much time with my car.
Frank:
Really?
Ricko:
Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend?
Frank:
Well, things are gettin' kinda wierd. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day... so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bail her out for a few days and try to nail her.
Ricko:
Wow. Well, what's she look like?
Frank:
She's uh—she’s never sent me a picture. She says she’s camera shy. And she won’t let me call her on the phone; she’s like got a cold or something.
Ricko:
Hey, you know... I got a little project... that we might be able to make a little moola with.
Frank:
Really? That sounds pretty good.
Ricko:
Have you ever heard of methamphetamines?
-
Ricko:
Back in '82, I could shake it up like the King.
Frank:
Are you serious?
Ricko:
I'm dead serious. Watch this.
[Roger Groans]
Roger:
What the heck are you doing?
Frank:
That's called a hunka hunka burnin’ love.
Mikro:
I better go.
[Ricko Chuckles]
Ricko:
Frank, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel?
Frank:
Easy. I've already Googled it for myself.
Ricko:
Right on. Right on.
-
Ashleigh:
Is Mikro here today?
Roger:
I don't think so. Why?
Ashleigh:
Just wondering. Can you, uh, give this note to him for me?
Roger:
Okay. Hey, Ashleigh, you want to hook up later?
Ashleigh:
Eww! [she slaps Roger] [SLAP]
Roger:
Ow. God.
-
Liz:
What are you drawing?
Roger:
A Roundhole.
Liz:
What's a Roundhole?
Roger:
It's pretty much my favorite object. It's like a hole that’s perfectly round.
Liz:
Hmm. It looks kinda familiar.
[Sighs]
Where's your friend?
Roger:
I don't know. Did you see him today?
Liz:
No. But what about your “other friend”? [She gestures to his lap]
Roger:
What the flip are you talking about? Jeez!
Liz:
Do you… need a ride?
Roger:
No. I missed the carpool today, but my uncle's coming to get me.
Liz:
Oh.
[Horn Honks. It’s one of those musical horns, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”]
Roger:
See ya.
Ricko:
Right. I-- I think just a little bit east of the projects is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money.
Frank:
So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?
Ricko:
What are you-- You're already losing your steam?
Frank:
No. I just-- I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Ricko:
All right, you just start your shift a little earlier. That's all.
Frank:
All right.
Ricko:
Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Frank:
Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Sometimes I surf for porn afterwards. I don't know.
-
Woman:
Bueno.
Roger:
Hello?
Woman:
Who's this?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite.
Woman:
Who?
Roger:
Roger Dynamite. I'm one of Mikro's best friends.
Woman:
Your name is Roger Dynamite?
Roger:
Yes. Is Mikro there?
Woman:
No, he's not here right now.
Roger:
Okay, bye.
-
Ricko
See, Crystal Street.
That's for you.
I'm goin' to Adams Park.
They got some money in Adams Park.
Frank
What?
Ricko
Let's go, Frank.
I think we should take this someplace a little more private.
Frank
That's a good idea, because that guy sitting in that van with the binoculars is freaking me out.
-
Ricko
Before we get started on our new project,
I have a few concerns.
First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation.
I mean, do you--you got a car you can borrow from someone?
Frank
Roger usually tows me around behind his bike on skates.
Ricko
You can borrow my Pacer, I mean Mustang for the time being.
I-- I do better on foot anyway.
Frank
How about some guns?
Ricko
We need, like, some guns with the numbers filed off, or some water balloons filled with shaving cream. I mean, we gotta watch ourselves.
Frank
That's true. That's true.
-
Roger
Where have you been?
Mikro
I got sick.
Roger
Has Ashleigh said anything to you yet?
Mikro
No, not yet.
Roger
Well, she said no.
Mikro
She did?
Well, what about that other girl?
Roger
What other girl?
Mikro
The one that took a crap on your porch.
Roger
You mean Liz?
Mikro
Yes, her.
Roger
What about her?
Mikro
Well, I asked her out too.
Roger
What?!
-
Roger
Well, nobody's gonna go out with me. I can’t get my own hand to touch me.
Mikro
Have you asked anybody yet?
Roger
No, but who would?
I don't even have any good skills.
Mikro
What do you mean?
Roger
You know, like soldering skills, troubleshooting skills, computer skills.
Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Mikro
Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, round things and stuff?
Roger
Yes. Probably the best that I know of.
Mikro
Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out,
and give it to her for, like, a gift or something.
Roger
That's a pretty good idea. I think I’ll draw something round, with a hole in it.
-
Ricko
Now, if you buy this little baggie of stuff
I'm gonna throw in a little gift.
Man
So, what's the gift?
Ricko
I bet you folks don't have one of these.
Woman
I could use a skull shaped cigar lighter.
Ricko
You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill dope.
These are some serious hits, without the anhydrous aftertaste…
Man
So, I buys da baggie...
the skull lighter is included?
Ricko
That's correct, sir.
Medsker, you look like a strong young pup.
Why don't you see if you can give that a nice hit.
Don't hurt yourself now.
Man
Wow.
Ricko
So, uh...
how does the "dealio" sound to you?
-
Frank
Dang it.
END OF PART 3
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Mom
Oh, I'm sorry, she's not.
She's at a friend's house right now.
Ricko
Well, hey, Roger.
Roger's my nephew.
Ann's Mom
Oh, that's nice.
Roger
Could you just give this to her for me?
Ann's Mom
I certainly could.
Roger
Thanks.
Ann's Mom
Bye-bye.
Ricko
Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in jail.
He still wets the bed and whines about burn fails.
Ann's Mom
You're kidding.
Ricko
Yeah, he's a tender little guy.
He still gets beat up and whatnot.
-
Frank:
Ow!
Roger:
What the crap was Uncle Ricko doin' over at my girlfriend's house?
Frank:
Roger, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Roger:
Fine. What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Frank:
You do that on your own. I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Ricko. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Roger:
I did?
Frank:
Yeah, is it bleeding?
[Door Opens]
Roger:
A little bit.
Ricko:
Hey, Frank. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Roger. I’m not that kinda guy.
Roger:
I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.
Ricko:
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playin' patty-cake with your friend Mikro, your Uncle Ricko... is makin' 120 bucks.
Roger:
I could make that much jacking off pigs at the 4H fair.
Frank:
Geez. Yeah, right, Roger. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Ricko:
Roger, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Timmeh. His 2 liter of Pepsi is about empty.
Roger:
Why do we keep that bastard Timmeh around, anyhoo? He’s worse than wipin’ your ass with a cactus.
-
[Roger Dynamite's Voice Reading Letter]
There's a lot more where this came from if you go to the dance with me.
Yours truly, Roger Dynamite.
Ann's Mother
You know you're gonna go to that dance with that boy.
Ann
[Groans]
-
Doug
By noon I need them 8,000 modules updated for burn.
Sometimes they need soldered, or whatever its called. I forget…
But I figured out if you give 'em a good shakin', they'll register a crash.
Roger
Did you do anything today?
Doug
I went to meetings.
Roger
Meetings?
Doug
I’m late for the Parking Lot Resurfacing Team Meeting.
Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and you’d better get these done.
-
[Doug farts]
Roger
Ew!
-
Doug
[sniffs]
Well, that smelled fruity.
Harold
Over there, in that burn chamber I found a couple more of your burn fails.
Roger
[Groans]
-
Roger
I cleared 8,000 modules today.
Doug just did one, and he didn’t even finish it.
[Phone Rings]
Roger
Yeah, this is Roger.
Ann
Hi. Is Roger there?
Roger
I already said this is Roger!
Ann
Can I talk to him?
Roger
You already are!
Ann
Oh.
Roger, this is Ann.
I'm just calling to tell you that...
I can go to the dance with you.
And also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing of the … uhm…round thingy.
It's hanging in my bedroom.
Roger
Really?
Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on round part.
It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Ann
Yeah, it's really...nice.
Roger
Yeah, well, I'll probably pick you up at 6:00 for the dance.
Is that okay?
Ann
That's fine.
Roger
K, bye.
Ann
Bye.
[Groans]
Mikro
Who was that?
Roger
Ann.
Mikro
Who's she?
Roger
My woman I'm takin' to the dance.
Mikro
Do you draw her a picture?
Roger
Heck, yes, I did! A cool hole, round and everything!
Mikro
Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Roger
Just, like, a blue ESD smock or something.
What are you gonna wear?
Mikro
Liz has something for me.
But you should probably get a suit.
-
Roger
Mikro, how do you feel about that one?
Mikro
It looks nice. I like the material. Is it ESD safe?
Roger
Yeah. It looks pretty sweet.
It looks awesome.
That suit, it's--it's incredible.
Mikro
It smells…funny.
-
Roger
I need you to give me a ride in an hour.
Ricko
[Sighs]
Where to?
Roger
The dance.
Ricko
You takin' my client's daughter?
Roger
Yes.
We need to pick her up too.
Ricko
Well, Uncle Ricko's got a sale to finalize in West Terre Haute in five minutes. I’m selling natural herbal supplements now. It’s like that Enzyte stuff, but it works for men and women. Sometimes the demonstration takes longer…than expected.
Roger
Well, can you just take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever?
Ricko
[Exhales, grumbles]
-
Ricko
Well, I'll be back in a minute.
Don't disturb me while I'm in there.
Roger
Well, hurry up, 'cause I gotta get Ann.
Ricko
Hi. I got your 2 month supply right here.
[Roger begins to run back towards town]
Roger
So you guys are, like, Mikro's band mates with all the sweet hookups?
Mikro's Band mate #1
You Mikro’s homie? Get in. I hope you like Dream Theater.
-
Roger
Is Ann here?
Ann's Dad
Who's the hell is that in my driveway?
Roger
That's my ride.
-
Roger
Do you wanna go over by my friend Mikro and read PI’s?
-
Mikro
Roger. When did you get here?
Roger
Just a couple minutes ago. I almost clocked in late.
Have you guys seen Ann anywhere?
Liz
No.
Roger
Oh. She probably just went to test her shoes and wrist strap.
Are you guys having a killer time?
Liz
Yes.
Mikro
If you can't find Ann, I'll let you dance with Liz for a few songs. You can even put your hand on her butt.
-
Roger
I like your Capri pants. They show off your ankles nice.
Liz
Thank you. I bought them on clearance at Wal Mart.
Roger
So you and Mikro are getting really serious now?
Liz
No. We're just friends. You can’t get real serious with a drummer, know what I mean?
Roger
Uh Huh.
How are your glamour shots selling?
Liz
Pretty good.
I could do a “personal” portrait sometime...if you wanted to come over.
Roger
Uh, Okay.
-
Mikro
Do you think people will vote for me to be leader of the Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Roger
Heck, yes. I'd vote for you. You could get them to serve free brownies.
Mikro
Like, what are my skills?
Roger
Well, you have a sweet metro cart...
and you're really good at sniffing out brownies.
Plus you're, like, the only guy at work who has a long ponytail and a soul patch.
Mikro
That's true.
Roger
If you need to use any of my skills,
I can do whatever you want.
Mikro
Thanks.
If I win, you can be my janitor or something.
Roger
Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too.
Or, like, Secret Service captain or...whatever.
Mikro
No, just clean up the cafeteria…
-
Roger
Whoa! Is that yours?
Frank
Don't touch it. It's Uncle Ricko's.
Roger
What's the heck is it for?
Frank
It's a penis enlarger, Roger.
He bought it online.
Roger
Yeah, right. Ya gotta have one to enlarge one.
Frank
It works, Roger. You don't even know.
Roger
Have you guys tried it yet?
Frank
No. Uncle Ricko said he wanted to try it in private.
-
Frank
So, are you ready?
Roger
Yeah. Hold on.
I forgot to hook up the load box.
Kay, turn it on.
[Current Surges]
Roger
[Groaning, Grunting]
Dude--!
Oh--!
[Groaning]
My Gawd--
[Groaning]
[Groaning]
Turn it off! Turn it off, Frank!
[Moaning]
[Groans]
It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work. Jeez, it’s even smaller now! And it’s smoking!
[Panting]
Ricko
Well, I could've told you that.
[Groans]
Got any more ice?
-
Roger
The defect in that one is squib open.
Judge
That's correct.
Roger
Yesss!
This one looks like Doug tried to remove the coating from the micro.
Judge
Correct.
Roger
Yesss!
-
Mikro
This module looks pretty good except for one little problem. The Diagnostic Data Out bits not containing data are not providing a logic zero.
Judge
Well done.
-end pt 4
Ashleigh
Vote Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Ashleigh
Vote for Ashleigh. Thanks.
Andy
Yeah. Vote for Ashleigh for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Ashleigh
Hi. Vote for Ashleigh
Hi, Vote for Ashleigh. You guys voting?
Mikro
Do you think it's kinda warm in here?
Roger
No.
Mikro
I think it's-- They must have the burn-in chamber doors open or something.
Roger
It seems pretty good to me.
Mikro
You don't feel like your head is burning or-- or anything?
Roger
Which one?
Mikro
I'm gonna go home and lay down. Put me down for casual time.
Roger
Kay, See ya.
Andy
Vote for Ashleigh.
Roger
Yeah, right. I'm not votin' for her.
Andy
Then who are you gonna vote for?
Roger
I'm votin' for Mikro Chipkai.
Who do you think?
Andy
[Scoffs] Now that I’m calling the shots on weekends, I don’t care who you vote for.
Roger
Hey, Andy, can I have one of those buttons? [Roger proceeds to stuff the button up Andy’s butt]
Andy
Ow! Hey! Mmmm…
-
Frank
So, that guy in Terre Haute give you your money back yet?
Ricko
Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities
if I don't get a refund in full.
[Sighs]
Don't you ever wish you could go back...
with all the knowledge you have now? Get that Mustang you always wanted…
Frank
I guess so.
Ricko
Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now.
You'd find your soul mate.
Frank
I've already got a soul mate.
Ricko
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Frank
Mickey. I think it’s short for Michelle or something.
Ricko
Mickey. Huh.
How's she doin'?
Frank
Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. I think have enough vacation time built up.
She's riding the bus out from San Francisco for a few days.
Ricko
Well, what about work?
Well, haven't-- haven't you studied up on the new product?
Frank
Yes.
Ricko
Well, do you know it backwards and front?
Frank
What’s there to know? I got the quality policy right here on my badge!
Ricko
Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours?
You might as well do somethin' while you're waiting for a burn cart to come out.
Frank
Because she doesn't need any. That's why. Neither do I, ‘cause I get wood just about every morning.
-
Roger
Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.
Mikro
Gee, thanks. A hole. That will get them to vote for me for sure.
Roger
Why do you got your ESD smock up like that?
Mikro
Well, when I came home from work, my body started to get really hot.
So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing.
So I laid in the bathtub for a while...
but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my body so hot.
So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I feel better, but I don't want anyone to see.
Roger
I know what you mean. Did it really make that much difference to shave your eyebrows, too?
Mikro
Not really. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have done the crack of my ass or my pubes.
Liz
[Sighs]
There's just not many options.
Roger
That one's good. Looks like an engineer.
Mikro
No, I don’t wanna look like Brian.
Liz
You know, you're right.
Here’s another.
Roger
Sorry.
Liz
I think this one matches your shirt, Mikro.
Mikro
But my shirt is plaid…
[Visual description for those of you reading this at home. Mikro’s new hair is a multi-color clown wig, with a matching merkin to replace his pubes. Nothing was available to match his ass crack hairs or his eyebrows. His soul patch is a clipping from the wig, super-glued in place. Please do not make fun of him, he’s very sensitive.]
-
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Vote for Mikro for Cafeteria Improvement Team.
Mikro
Vote for me.
Roger
Vote for Mikro.
Mikro
Vote for Mikro.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a donut.
Shane
I don't have any, Jimmy La’belly.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. Make it a buck. I’m real hungry.
Shane
I don't have--
Stop.
Don’t. Stop. Stop.
Jimmy La’belly
I'll do this to you.
Shane
Don't. NO! Don’t show me your belly! Aahhh!
Here. Here. Take my money!
Roger
How's your head?
Shane
My brain hurts. There’s some things a man shouldn’t see.
Roger
That's too bad.
Mikro offers you his protection.
-
Jimmy La’belly
Hey, let me borrow your metro cart.
Shane
No.
Jimmy La’belly
Come on. I’ll clear some burn fails for you.
Shane
Like I would believe that!
[Mikro’s band mates show up. They look kinda sick, maybe even contagious. Everyone scatters. Jimmy La’belly tries to run, but his belly slaps him in the face, knocking him out cold.]
-
Ricko
Hey, you Ann?
Ann
Yeah.
Ricko
You remember me?
I'm a friend of you mom's.
I'm-- I'm Roger's uncle. Uncle Ricko.
Ann
Oh. Yeah.
Ricko
Hey, could you do me a favor?
Could you give your mom a couple of these herbal samples and
tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?
Ann
'Kay.
Ricko
You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some.
Have a nice day.
Ann & Ashleigh
[Scoff]
-
Ricko
[Yelps]
[Groans]
Why the heck you throwin' crap at my Pacer, I mean Mustang, Roger?
Roger
Everybody at work thinks I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
Ricko
[Straining]
You are an idiot! You're gonna clean my Pacer, I mean Mustang...right now.
Roger
Get off of me, you Timmeh lover!
Ricko
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Roger
[Groans]
Ricko
[Groaning]
-
Crowd
[Chattering]
Boy
Higher. No, no, higher.
Yeah!
Crowd
[Cheering, Hooting]
[Cheering, Hooting]
Boy
Yeah. Hit it!
-
Roger
Dang.
-
Principal
Look, Mikro. I don't know how they do things over in Indiana,
but here in Marshall we have a little something called respectful workplace.
Understand?
Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Ashleigh
is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire factory.
-
Dad-Z
Welcome to Dad-Z’s African Dance Grooves.
Are you ready to get your proud African groove on?
Roger
Yes.
Dad-Z
All right, then. Let's get started.
-
Liz
Are you disqualified?
Mikro
No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas. It’s probably for the best, the drawings really sucked.
Liz
Can you still run for Cafeteria Improvement Team?
Mikro
Yes.
I don't understand.
He say...you're not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people.
But we do it in Indiana all the time, but with real people.
Liz
Your hair looked great today.
Mikro
Uhh, thank you.
Liz
All right.
See you tomorrow, Mikro.
Mikro
[To himself] I think that broad is nuts.
-
Roger
[Burps]
Who are you?
Mickey
[In a husky voice] I'm Mickey.
Roger
What are you doing here?
Mickey
I'm waiting for Frank.
Roger
Frank?
Mickey
Why are you so sweaty?
Roger
I been practicing.
Mickey
Mmm. Practicing what?
Roger
Some dance moves.
Mickey
You like dancing?
Frank
Well, my chores are done.
So, you ready, Mickey?
Mickey
I am, honey.
Frank
Sorry, Roger. We're just runnin' a little bit late for a show at the Ram Rod.
Tell Uncle Ricko not to wait up for me.
Mickey
Here. You might like this tape. It’s the Village People.
I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby.
Bye, Roger.
Roger
See ya.
Frank
Mickey is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'm a hundred and ten percent positive that she's my soul mate.
Roger
Why is she so tall and have an Adam’s Apple?
Frank
She’s just big boned.
Roger
Yeah, more than you think…
-
Liz
Is this what you were looking for?
Ricko
Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more... like a Mustang.
Liz
Hmm. Well...
I could wrap you in some pink bubble wrap or... perhaps something more conductive?
Ricko
Yeah, conductive’s good.
[Chuckles]
Liz
[Sighs]
It'd be really nice if I could get the ionizer fan going.
Ricko
You know, Liz, you have...striking features.
How’s your…libido?
Liz
You have no idea Mr. Ricko.
Ricko
My friends and clients, they call me "Uncle Ricko."
Liz
Now what are you doing?
Ricko
Shh. don't say another word.
Roger told me you'd be interested.
Liz
Roger?
Ricko
You stop wishin', and call me when you're ready.
-
Roger
Hello?
Liz
Roger?
Roger
Yeah. Who's this?
Liz
It's Liz...
and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a roundhole.
Roger
What the heck are you even talkin' about?
Liz
Don't lie, Roger.
Your Uncle Ricko told me you thought I had libido problems.
Roger
What?
Liz
I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself.
And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself? You could have been eating down here…but you blew it.
-
Roger
Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Ricko
Uh, she didn't tell me anything.
Roger
Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here
when she gets back because you've been ruining
everybody's lives and eatin' all our brownies.
Ricko
I'm not goin' anywhere, Roger. Besides, my Pacer, I mean Mustang is in the shop getting a new footprint gas pedal installed.
Roger
Get off my propertah!
Ricko
You don’t have the authoritah. I can do whatever I want.
Roger
Get off my property, or I'll call Sheldon on you.
Ricko
Well, then do it. Go on.
Roger
Maybe I will. Gosh!
-END PART 5
Mikro
Hello?
Roger
Mikro? How's it goin'?
Mikro
Pretty good.
Roger
Liz just called me.
She pretty much hates me by now. But that may not be so bad.
Mikro
Why?
Roger
'Cause my Uncle Ricko's an idiot! Nobody can get him to do any analysis!
Mikro
Do you have anything to give to her?
Roger
No, not unless she likes crabs.
Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
Mikro
Yes.
Roger
Do you already know what you're gonna say?
Mikro
Yes...I thought I would just recite some lines from Al Gore’s acceptance speech. I found a copy of it on the net.
Roger
Just tell 'em that...Dream Theater will come to Marshall if they vote for you.
Mikro
[Sighs]
Roger
I'll see you tomorrow, Mikro.
Ricko
Now, if you look right here, we have Susanna from Paris, IL.
Would you like to read her testimonial right there?
Terri
Sure. Um...
"After using Schlong, Titty & Kitty Plus, I have such big desires--"
I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Ricko
Oh, that's fine. That's fine.
But do you feel comfortable with me?
Ray
Come here, boy! Get this damn analysis done!
[Commotion, Crashing]
Ricko
[Yelping]
-
Ashleigh
Well, I never thought I would make it here today.
I would be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader because
I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and
I'm also gonna get them to put Lifetime channel on the TV’s.
Oh, we're gonna get new pink instead of blue smocks.
Anyway, I think I'd be a great Cafeteria Improvement Team Leader, so, uh...
who wants to eat egg rolls and brownies next year?
Not me. It’s gonna be lettuce salads every day!
Vote for Ashleigh.
Phil
And now Ashleigh will perform her skit with
members of our very own Flatulence Aroma Reduction Team (F.A.R.T.).
Woman
Your speech is up next.
Your skit had better be pretty good.
Mikro
A skit?
Woman
You perform a skit after your speech, Mikro.
Roger
What? A flippin' skit?
Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
[Ashleighs Skit is Performed]
Mikro
I dont' want to be on the Cafeteria Improvement Team anyway.
Roger
Mikro, just tell them how wonderful a warm brownie is after you eat an eggroll cooked in buffalo grease. And the simple pleasures of a Twinkie Wiener Sandwich. That will get their mouths to watering.
Mikro
Hello.
I don't have too much to say.
But I think it would be good to have
some cool music to listen to while we eat
like Dream Theater or something like that.
It would be nice to have a drum kit with double bass in the corner.
The cafeteria workers should bathe at least once a week.
And...we have a great All Hands Meeting schedule lined up--
We hold those in the cafeteria.
If you vote for me, we could all have nice warm brownies.
Thank you.
Phil
Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by Mikro Sanchez.
Roger
[Sighs]
[Roger Dances, or has an epileptic seizure. Take your pick.]
-
Roger
I bought you some more of those high water pants.
You wanna fool around?
Liz
No, I’m waiting for Rob to come to his senses and take me back.
-
Harold
I, uh, would like to give you this advice.
And a fella give me some years ago.
He said, "When you have a lot of burn fails...
if you go outside and smoke a cigarette...
you'll calm down and then you can come back and the burn fails will still be there waiting for you.
Is there anything else you'd like to ask about?
Timmeh
[Grunts]
Ricko
Mikro. Where the heck's Roger?
Mikro
I don't know.
Harold
Mike “Mickey” White, do you take Franklin Dynamite
to be your lawful wedded husband...
to honor in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Mickey
I do.
Harold
Frankland Dynamite do you take Mike “Mickey” White
to be your lawful wedded…uhh… whatever… in sickness and health
'till death do you part?
Frank
You know I do.
Harold
By the authoritah vested in me, I pronounce you man and … uhhmm.
You may kiss the …each other.
Frank
[Sings]
Why do you love me
Why do you need me
Always and forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
[Feedback]
But you, you make me "salvivate"
Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever
Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heaven above
Always and forever
Always and forever
Yes our love is truly great
Always and forever
Why do you need me
Why do you love me
Roger
Sorry I'm late.
I just got done clearing all of the fails that Doug left me.
Frank
Hmm.
Roger
Thanks.
I hope your guys's experiences are unforgettable.
Frank
Hmm.
Lookee, lookee. A little keepsake for you guys.
Roger
Lucky.
(No Repair Tech's were harmed much in the making of this film)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
9 axioms to live by...
1. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
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