I am SOOO excited...I got my first paycheck today with the "Make Work Pay" credit in it. How much will I get, ooh ooh, I can't wait to tear open that envelope. (tear, rip, shuffle)
Hang on, I thought we were supposed to get some extra money! Let's look a little closer- compare it to last couple of weeks checks...
Hey there it is! $10.23! Ten dollars and 23 cents. TEN DOLLARS AND TWENTY THREE CENTS!! What good is TEN BUCKS going to do for stimulating the economy? TEN bucks is equivalent to 25 cents an hour!
Barack, what makes you think that TEN DOLLARS a week is going to help me in this tight economy?
This soooo disappointing. Ten freaking bucks. What will I ever spend it on? (rolls eyes) Not enough to buy a car, not enough to fill up my gas tank, not enough to make a minimum credit card payment, and not enough to even pay the paper boy.
$10. Hmm, what can you get for ten bucks?
9 items from the Dollar Store. (don't forget sales tax!)
A really expensive coconut.
40 gumballs.
Couple gallons of gas and a soda.
Half of a lap dance.
High cholesterol, if you spend it on the Value Menu at McDonald's.
Cheap beer.
Rent a couple of movies.
Oh well. I'm gonna have think long and hard how I'm going to spend this windfall.
10 bucks...well it is ten more dollars than I had before. Yeah that's it!! I have $10 dollars more this week than I had last week! That $10 may just come in handy...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Obama's Stimulus Package
Are you one of the people who don't think the stimulus package is needed? Were things going just fine for you, or you don't think the Government should get involved with such economic issues? Or do you just want the entire country to fall to it's knees?
If you are one of those folks, Rejoice! I have the perfect plan for you so you can keep your concience clear and not appear in any way to support the Obama Stimulus Plan.
All you have to do is say NO! When you receive the benefit of tax cuts in your paycheck, send that money back to the Government! When you file your taxes, say NO THANKS when itemizing those deductions. Refuse to do business with any company (including your own employer) that receives tax incentives or funds from the Government. Don't file a claim for Unemployment if you lose your job! Don't drive on roads repaired because of Goverment programs, and certainly don't buy American automobiles or parts! Take your children out of those socialist public schools! Stop house-hunting because I hear there are tax credits for buying homes, and the banks also took bailout money.
By following these few simple rules, you can keep your head high and proudly say "I'm an Idiot!" while everyone else is working to improve our economic crisis; while you stand around and let the world go on by.
Wake up and smell the coffee- any help is better than none. The stimulus may not be perfect, but it's better than anything else that's been proposed. I will gratefully accept the benefits of the stimulus plan, and hope for a better tomorrow.
If you are one of those folks, Rejoice! I have the perfect plan for you so you can keep your concience clear and not appear in any way to support the Obama Stimulus Plan.
All you have to do is say NO! When you receive the benefit of tax cuts in your paycheck, send that money back to the Government! When you file your taxes, say NO THANKS when itemizing those deductions. Refuse to do business with any company (including your own employer) that receives tax incentives or funds from the Government. Don't file a claim for Unemployment if you lose your job! Don't drive on roads repaired because of Goverment programs, and certainly don't buy American automobiles or parts! Take your children out of those socialist public schools! Stop house-hunting because I hear there are tax credits for buying homes, and the banks also took bailout money.
By following these few simple rules, you can keep your head high and proudly say "I'm an Idiot!" while everyone else is working to improve our economic crisis; while you stand around and let the world go on by.
Wake up and smell the coffee- any help is better than none. The stimulus may not be perfect, but it's better than anything else that's been proposed. I will gratefully accept the benefits of the stimulus plan, and hope for a better tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Star Techs...A Parody (of sorts)
Starring:
Captain Frank
Science Officer Dale
Dr. McKain
Helm Officer Josh
Communications Officer Timmeh
Weapons Officer Jose
Chief Engineer Dadzie
Captain's Log, Stardate 5187.8. Having cleared up the burn fails in Building Two, I've managed to obtain a leave for my ship and crew. They are looking forward to this much-needed vacation.
(Scene: The Bridge)
Frank: Mr. Josh, set course for the planet Toyota.
Josh: Yes, sir!
(Suddenly, the ship is rocked by a violent explosion, which causes everyone to fall out of their new blue chairs.)
Frank: Mr. Jose, report on all Klingon ships in the area.
Jose: Negative, keptin. Sensors show no enemy wessel in sight.
Frank: Your analysis, Mr. Dale.
Dale: I assure you, Captain, I am not operating under the influence of illicit mind-altering substances. However, if you think it necessary, regulations do stipulate that--
Frank: I meant your analysis of the current situation, not urinalysis.
Dale: My apologies, Captain. I am still sometimes unable to compensate for the vagaries of human enunciation. It would appear, Captain, that a visional catalyst source has malfunctioned to the critical overload stage. (Noticing Frank's blank stare, he shakes his head almost imperceptibly.) To rephrase my statement into what I believe you humans call `the vernacular': a light bulb blew in Engineering.
Frank: Josh, you have the Bridge. Dale, come with me.
(Scene: Engineering. A medical team is dragging off an injured engineer in a blue smock. Dadzie is surveying the damage and shaking his head. He spots Frank and Dale.)
Dadzie: Ca'en, sair, seen a' th' bulb ha' burn oot, I kinna see to oper'a' me engines!
(Frank smiles and nods.)
Frank (whispering to Dale): What did he say?
Dale: I believe, Captain, that Mr. Dadzie wishes to register a complaint to the effect that there is insufficient illumination to perform the duties requisite in his capacity as Chief Engineer.
Frank: Oh. Well, Dadzie, get a spare from storage.
Dale: I fear such action would be inappropriate, Captain. The Eleven Colors to Process Controls require us to travel with a full complement of spare parts at all times. If we were to remove a bulb from storage, then we would not have a full complement, and hence be in direct violation.
Frank: Damn the regulations, Dale, I've got a ship with 430 people aboard to think of! At least I think there are 430; come to think of it, I've never actually seen more than a couple dozen. Oh well, where is the nearest source of light bulbs?
Dale: I believe the planet Luminos satisfies the specified parameters.
Frank: Dadzie, do we have enough power to make it to Luminos?
Dadzie: Ach, I dinna righ'ly ken, Ca'en; we're runnin' a wee bit low. However, if we go strai' thar and dinna hurry, I thin' we migh' possibly duit.
Frank: Thank you, Dadzie. Dale?
Dale: Mr. Dadzie has formulated the opinion that there is insufficient data for complete analysis; current fuel capacity is scarcely in excess of minimal standards. However, probability dictates our vessel has the capability to sustain the journey under the following two constraints: a direct course must be set and maintained throughout and the ship's velocity must satisfy a maximality condition.
Frank: Then I'm afraid our little pleasure trip will have to wait.
(Scene: The Bridge. Josh and Jose are engaged in conversation.)
Josh: I think it was Thomas Edison.
Jose: No, you are wrong; the light bulb is a Mexican inwention.
(Frank and Dale enter.)
Frank: Mr. Josh, set a direct course for the planet Luminos.
Josh (startled): But, Captain, that'll take us straight through the Romulan Neutral Zone!
Frank: It's a risk we'll just have to take!
(Scene: Enterprise hurtling through space. Cut back to Bridge.)
Josh: We are now approaching the planet Luminos. I guess the Romulans didn't notice us. Mind you, I did pick up funny blips on our sensors that seemed to follow us.
Frank: Probably nothing important. Assume standard orbit.
Josh: Aye, sir.
Frank (punching intercom): Frank to Supply. Supply, send down someone to get some light bulbs.
Dale: Captain, may I remind you of Work Instruction 14.2b? `In order to prevent a ship from abandoning a crew-member on a planet, each landing party must contain enough high-ranking officers so that the ability of the ship to function without them is reduced below minimal standards.'
Frank: Of course, Dale. We'll have myself, you, Dr. McKain, and three guys in blue smocks. I'll get the doctor, you attend to the others.
(Scene: Sickbay. McKain is tending to the injured engineer. Frank enters.)
Frank: Hello, Ken.
(McKain grunts inarticulately.)
Frank: What's the matter, Ken, aren't you going to say hello?
McKain: Dammit, Frank, I'm a doctor not a casino greeter. I've got sick people to attend to, do you hear me, sick people, people whose very lives hang in the balance and depend upon my every action! And you come in here with such high contempt for human life that you expect me to neglect all my patients just to trade some weak social banalities!
Frank: Come on, Ken, your only patient is this Analysis Technician who got temporarily blinded and he looks fine. How are you son?
Analysis Technician: Gosh, sir, now that I've met you I'm all better! We younger Analysis Technicians thrive on your god-like aura.
McKain: Shut up, you! I'm the doctor and I'll make the diagnoses around here! By the way, Frank, just what the hell did you want?
Frank: I'm taking a landing party down to Luminos and I want you along.
McKain: What in blasted blue blazes are you thinking of, Frank? What about my patient?
Frank: He seems to have snuck away just now.
McKain: Again? Damn! Why do they always do that?
Frank: There, there, Ken. Maybe there are sick people down on the planet.
McKain: Do you really think so? Oh, okay, I'll come. But if I don't get someone to operate on, you're next in line.
(Scene: Transporter Room. Dadzie is at the controls and Dale and the Blue Smocks are standing on the pad. Frank and McKain take their places.)
Frank: Ready to beam down. Mr. Dadzie, you have the con.
Dadzie: Tha' ya, sair. I ha' always wanned ta gi' ordairs, but so far nay one has e'er lissend ta me.
Frank: Sure, whatever. Energize.
(Scene: A lush jungle near rocky terrain. The landing party materializes.)
McKain: Well, this looks like a safe enough place.
(A huge hole opens up in the ground and swallows one of the men in Blue Smocks.)
Frank: Yes, Ken, and the vegetation makes a pleasant change from the ship.
(Another guy wearing a blue smock reaches out, touches a plant and explodes. Frank, Dale and McKain turn and stare expectantly at the third guy in a blue smock. Spears comes whizzing through the air and one lodges in his chest. McKain bends over and examines him, then shakes his head.)
McKain: He's dead, Frank.
Frank: Well, at least that's over with. Did anyone see where the spears came from?
Dale: Not directly, but perhaps inferentially. Analysis of relevant data yields a 99.4% probability that the fusillade emanated from that direction. (He points.) Observe the grouping of antagonistic aboriginals evincing primitive projectile weaponry.
McKain: You mean savage-looking tribesmen waving spears! Why can't you just come out and say what you mean? Criminy, sometimes you really get on my nerves! Hey, my laser scanner's jammed!
Frank: Now, Ken, you shouldn't be shooting at the natives anyway.
McKain: Who said anything about natives? Let me borrow your laser scanner, Frank.
Dale: All our laser scanners are inoperative. It would appear to be a combined result of local atmospheric and geologic conditions.
(Scene: The Bridge. Dadzie enters and sits in the captain's chair.)
Dadzie: Sta'us rapor'.
Josh: Hunh? What'd he say?
Jose (excitedly): Senor Dadzie! My sensors indicate an approaching Romulan wessel. It is trawelling straight for us and moofing wery fast. I vould have reported it earlier, but I had a hard time thinking of a sentence vith enough wee's and double-oo's to comically mispronounce.
Dadzie: Ta'e us oot a arbit an the dibble!
Josh: I hope he said to get the hell out of here, `cause that's what I'm doing!
(The Enterprise leaves orbit. Unfortunately, three other Romulan ships decloak around them. A Romulan admiral appears on screen.)
Admiral Nelson: Intruders, we have found you in direct violation of the accords governing travel through the Neutral Zone. Under the rules of the accords, your ship is now forfeit to us. Are you prepared to surrender, or will we be forced to destroy you?
(Scene: The planet. The tribesmen are approaching and encircling the landing party.)
Frank: Well, looks like it's time to get out of here. (flipping open communicator) Frank to Enterprise. Frank to Enterprise...
(Frank shakes his head and closes the communicator. He nods to Dale and McKain and they begin to fight the tribesmen. Frank's shirt gets torn. They manage to knock out five or six, but are overwhelmed and captured.)
Frank: Wait! We come in peace. We mean you no harm.
(The tribesmen turn and look at their fallen comrades, then look back at Frank.)
Frank: Uh...
(The one with the tackiest hair moves forward.)
Chieftan: You do not belong to my tribe. You are prisoners!
Frank: Listen. We are members of the starship Enterprise. Our seemingly never-ending mission is to explore strange new worlds, seek out slimy blobs and poorly-dressed weirdos, to boldly--
Chieftan: Shut up. Our tribe is bored by pompous talk.
Dale: Logic suggests that we should not attempt further action until we obtain more data.
Frank: Excuse me, Dale, but you keep saying `probability dictates' and `logic suggests'. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Dale: Fascinating. I will have to further explore this idiosyncratic linguistic anomaly. Meanwhile, I believe I may be able to simplify the current situation. I shall now ascertain which aspect of Earth's cultural history these people mirror completely except of course for one minor but nonetheless significant difference. Tribal Chieftan, how do you live?
Chieftan: We are a free people. We travel much and live off the land. We hunt animals for food and dig for roots. We weave to make clothes and manufacture light bulbs for religious purposes.
McKain: Light bulbs? Great! We'll take a dozen.
Chieftan: Sacrilege! You will all die painfully for this.
Frank: Well, Ken, you've put your foot in it now. Hey, Chief, are there any scantily-clad babes on this planet? Just thought I'd ask.
Chieftan: Why, yes, my daughter Arianna is one. Here she comes now.
(Enter a gorgeous blonde with perfect teeth wearing a fur bikini and way too much eye make-up. Switch to soft focus. She catches sight of Frank.)
Frank: Hello.
Arianna: No man has ever spoken to me with such tender beauty. Oh, kiss me, kiss me passionately, Stranger! Father, you can go ahead and disembowel the other intruders but spare this one if you would spare your daughter.
(switch to regular focus)
Chieftan: Go to your hut, Arianna; we will talk later. Bring the prisoners to the Deathcave where my son lies. They will stay there while the sacrifice is made ready. Perhaps they will find my son Ranor fitting company during the hour of preparation.
Frank: Listen! I am Captain T. Frank of the USS Enterprise and I demand you release us.
Chieftan: Your former titles mean nothing here, Captain.
(Scene: A gloomy cave. Frank, Dale and McKain are standing by a boulder that has sealed off the entrance.)
Captain's Log, Stardate 5188.2. I have made contact with a lady named Arianna. She's a foxy blonde and she's really hot for me. They all are. I sometimes wonder: is it my good looks or my terrific personality? Not that I really care; just so long as they know the score. Oh, also Dr. McKain, First Officer Dale and myself beamed down to Luminos in attempt to secure much needed light bulbs and are trapped in a cave awaiting sacrifice at the hands of savages while the Enterprise appears to have left planetary orbit.
McKain (eagerly pointing): Look, Frank, it's a sick guy! Oh boy, this is great! (adopting a professional tone) There, there son. I'm a doctor and I'm here to help you. What seems to be the trouble?
Ranor (moaning): I have...a hangnail, which is fatal to the people in our tribe. Our witchdoctors have searched...many generations -- aaagh -- for a cure, but have not found one. Do -- ungh -- do you have the knowledge and medical skill to remove it?
McKain: Astounding! Our culture solved that problem centuries ago. Now I'm just a simple country doctor with advanced surgical training and high-tech equipment, but I'll have you cured in no time.
(McKain sets to work, and Frank turns to Dale.)
Frank: Let's see, the chieftan made a remark that we would have an hour until the sacrifice. How much time do we have left?
Dale: I would estimate about 7 minutes 17.4 seconds.
Frank (amused): Thank you, Dale. I don't suppose you could come up with a `rough sketch' of an escape plan?
Dale: Actually, Captain, I have formulated 13 different plans of escape, with probabilities of success ranging from near certainty to 342,984.6 to 1 against. However, extrapolation based on estimated psychological profiles suggests that none of them would involve another passionate interlude between Arianna and yourself.
Frank (pounding his fist on a rock): Well, then, we'll JUST have to FIND another way! There must BE....another way.
(The boulder moves and tribesmen enter.)
Chieftan: Now, strangers, we disembowel you. We will start with the one my daughter has the hots for.
Ranor: Look, father, I'm better!
Chieftan: Ranor! The strangers have healed you! Strangers, you must possess great mystic powers. In gratitude for returning my son to life, I free you and give you a dozen sacred light bulbs. You who can perform such miracles will be worthy caretakers.
(A witchdoctor grudgingly hands over some light bulbs. Suddenly, Frank's communicator beeps. He flips it open.)
Timmeh: Enterprise to Captain Frank, Enterprise to Captain Frank.
Frank: Yes, Communications Officer Timmeh, we read you.
Timmeh: We are back in orbit and ready to receive you.
Frank: Acknowledged. Stand by to beam us aboard.
(Switch to soft focus. Arianna enters and flings herself on Frank.)
Arianna: Say you won't go!
Frank: I'm sorry, but I have to. I have other, greater responsibilities.
Arianna (wiping away tears): I understand. But I will always remember you! I will remember you until this jungle withers away. (She kisses him passionately.) I will remember you until the mountains become flat. (Another passionate kiss.) I will remember you until the stars shine no more in the night sky. (A final long firm kiss, reluctantly tearing her lips away.)
Frank: Yes, and I'll remember you until the next cheap bimbo comes along. Energize.
(Scene: The Bridge, regular focus. Frank is back in the captain's chair, with McKain, Dale, and Dadzie gathered around.)
Frank: Tell me, Dadzie, how did you escape the Romulan battleships?
Dadzie: I dinna rightly ken, sair. I star'e' ta try an' negotia' wi' 'em, an' th' Ramoolans ga frus'ra'ed an' sel'-destruc'ed.
Frank: Uh, whatever. (begins scratching.) Ugh. What it is, Ken?
McKain (also scratching): Apparently we all picked up a minor rash on the planet. It should go away in a couple of hours, but it'll be extremely uncomfortable.
Dale: I appear to be unaffected, Gentlemen.
McKain: Damn that green blood of yours!
Frank: Now, Ken, settle down. Yes, Mr. Jose, what is it?
Jose: Senor Keptin, my chair by the veapons console has lost a ballbearing and von't rewolve anymore.
Frank: Don't worry, Jose, we'll take care of it and get a new ballbearing right away. Mr. Josh, set course for the planet Metallicus.
Captain Frank
Science Officer Dale
Dr. McKain
Helm Officer Josh
Communications Officer Timmeh
Weapons Officer Jose
Chief Engineer Dadzie
Captain's Log, Stardate 5187.8. Having cleared up the burn fails in Building Two, I've managed to obtain a leave for my ship and crew. They are looking forward to this much-needed vacation.
(Scene: The Bridge)
Frank: Mr. Josh, set course for the planet Toyota.
Josh: Yes, sir!
(Suddenly, the ship is rocked by a violent explosion, which causes everyone to fall out of their new blue chairs.)
Frank: Mr. Jose, report on all Klingon ships in the area.
Jose: Negative, keptin. Sensors show no enemy wessel in sight.
Frank: Your analysis, Mr. Dale.
Dale: I assure you, Captain, I am not operating under the influence of illicit mind-altering substances. However, if you think it necessary, regulations do stipulate that--
Frank: I meant your analysis of the current situation, not urinalysis.
Dale: My apologies, Captain. I am still sometimes unable to compensate for the vagaries of human enunciation. It would appear, Captain, that a visional catalyst source has malfunctioned to the critical overload stage. (Noticing Frank's blank stare, he shakes his head almost imperceptibly.) To rephrase my statement into what I believe you humans call `the vernacular': a light bulb blew in Engineering.
Frank: Josh, you have the Bridge. Dale, come with me.
(Scene: Engineering. A medical team is dragging off an injured engineer in a blue smock. Dadzie is surveying the damage and shaking his head. He spots Frank and Dale.)
Dadzie: Ca'en, sair, seen a' th' bulb ha' burn oot, I kinna see to oper'a' me engines!
(Frank smiles and nods.)
Frank (whispering to Dale): What did he say?
Dale: I believe, Captain, that Mr. Dadzie wishes to register a complaint to the effect that there is insufficient illumination to perform the duties requisite in his capacity as Chief Engineer.
Frank: Oh. Well, Dadzie, get a spare from storage.
Dale: I fear such action would be inappropriate, Captain. The Eleven Colors to Process Controls require us to travel with a full complement of spare parts at all times. If we were to remove a bulb from storage, then we would not have a full complement, and hence be in direct violation.
Frank: Damn the regulations, Dale, I've got a ship with 430 people aboard to think of! At least I think there are 430; come to think of it, I've never actually seen more than a couple dozen. Oh well, where is the nearest source of light bulbs?
Dale: I believe the planet Luminos satisfies the specified parameters.
Frank: Dadzie, do we have enough power to make it to Luminos?
Dadzie: Ach, I dinna righ'ly ken, Ca'en; we're runnin' a wee bit low. However, if we go strai' thar and dinna hurry, I thin' we migh' possibly duit.
Frank: Thank you, Dadzie. Dale?
Dale: Mr. Dadzie has formulated the opinion that there is insufficient data for complete analysis; current fuel capacity is scarcely in excess of minimal standards. However, probability dictates our vessel has the capability to sustain the journey under the following two constraints: a direct course must be set and maintained throughout and the ship's velocity must satisfy a maximality condition.
Frank: Then I'm afraid our little pleasure trip will have to wait.
(Scene: The Bridge. Josh and Jose are engaged in conversation.)
Josh: I think it was Thomas Edison.
Jose: No, you are wrong; the light bulb is a Mexican inwention.
(Frank and Dale enter.)
Frank: Mr. Josh, set a direct course for the planet Luminos.
Josh (startled): But, Captain, that'll take us straight through the Romulan Neutral Zone!
Frank: It's a risk we'll just have to take!
(Scene: Enterprise hurtling through space. Cut back to Bridge.)
Josh: We are now approaching the planet Luminos. I guess the Romulans didn't notice us. Mind you, I did pick up funny blips on our sensors that seemed to follow us.
Frank: Probably nothing important. Assume standard orbit.
Josh: Aye, sir.
Frank (punching intercom): Frank to Supply. Supply, send down someone to get some light bulbs.
Dale: Captain, may I remind you of Work Instruction 14.2b? `In order to prevent a ship from abandoning a crew-member on a planet, each landing party must contain enough high-ranking officers so that the ability of the ship to function without them is reduced below minimal standards.'
Frank: Of course, Dale. We'll have myself, you, Dr. McKain, and three guys in blue smocks. I'll get the doctor, you attend to the others.
(Scene: Sickbay. McKain is tending to the injured engineer. Frank enters.)
Frank: Hello, Ken.
(McKain grunts inarticulately.)
Frank: What's the matter, Ken, aren't you going to say hello?
McKain: Dammit, Frank, I'm a doctor not a casino greeter. I've got sick people to attend to, do you hear me, sick people, people whose very lives hang in the balance and depend upon my every action! And you come in here with such high contempt for human life that you expect me to neglect all my patients just to trade some weak social banalities!
Frank: Come on, Ken, your only patient is this Analysis Technician who got temporarily blinded and he looks fine. How are you son?
Analysis Technician: Gosh, sir, now that I've met you I'm all better! We younger Analysis Technicians thrive on your god-like aura.
McKain: Shut up, you! I'm the doctor and I'll make the diagnoses around here! By the way, Frank, just what the hell did you want?
Frank: I'm taking a landing party down to Luminos and I want you along.
McKain: What in blasted blue blazes are you thinking of, Frank? What about my patient?
Frank: He seems to have snuck away just now.
McKain: Again? Damn! Why do they always do that?
Frank: There, there, Ken. Maybe there are sick people down on the planet.
McKain: Do you really think so? Oh, okay, I'll come. But if I don't get someone to operate on, you're next in line.
(Scene: Transporter Room. Dadzie is at the controls and Dale and the Blue Smocks are standing on the pad. Frank and McKain take their places.)
Frank: Ready to beam down. Mr. Dadzie, you have the con.
Dadzie: Tha' ya, sair. I ha' always wanned ta gi' ordairs, but so far nay one has e'er lissend ta me.
Frank: Sure, whatever. Energize.
(Scene: A lush jungle near rocky terrain. The landing party materializes.)
McKain: Well, this looks like a safe enough place.
(A huge hole opens up in the ground and swallows one of the men in Blue Smocks.)
Frank: Yes, Ken, and the vegetation makes a pleasant change from the ship.
(Another guy wearing a blue smock reaches out, touches a plant and explodes. Frank, Dale and McKain turn and stare expectantly at the third guy in a blue smock. Spears comes whizzing through the air and one lodges in his chest. McKain bends over and examines him, then shakes his head.)
McKain: He's dead, Frank.
Frank: Well, at least that's over with. Did anyone see where the spears came from?
Dale: Not directly, but perhaps inferentially. Analysis of relevant data yields a 99.4% probability that the fusillade emanated from that direction. (He points.) Observe the grouping of antagonistic aboriginals evincing primitive projectile weaponry.
McKain: You mean savage-looking tribesmen waving spears! Why can't you just come out and say what you mean? Criminy, sometimes you really get on my nerves! Hey, my laser scanner's jammed!
Frank: Now, Ken, you shouldn't be shooting at the natives anyway.
McKain: Who said anything about natives? Let me borrow your laser scanner, Frank.
Dale: All our laser scanners are inoperative. It would appear to be a combined result of local atmospheric and geologic conditions.
(Scene: The Bridge. Dadzie enters and sits in the captain's chair.)
Dadzie: Sta'us rapor'.
Josh: Hunh? What'd he say?
Jose (excitedly): Senor Dadzie! My sensors indicate an approaching Romulan wessel. It is trawelling straight for us and moofing wery fast. I vould have reported it earlier, but I had a hard time thinking of a sentence vith enough wee's and double-oo's to comically mispronounce.
Dadzie: Ta'e us oot a arbit an the dibble!
Josh: I hope he said to get the hell out of here, `cause that's what I'm doing!
(The Enterprise leaves orbit. Unfortunately, three other Romulan ships decloak around them. A Romulan admiral appears on screen.)
Admiral Nelson: Intruders, we have found you in direct violation of the accords governing travel through the Neutral Zone. Under the rules of the accords, your ship is now forfeit to us. Are you prepared to surrender, or will we be forced to destroy you?
(Scene: The planet. The tribesmen are approaching and encircling the landing party.)
Frank: Well, looks like it's time to get out of here. (flipping open communicator) Frank to Enterprise. Frank to Enterprise...
(Frank shakes his head and closes the communicator. He nods to Dale and McKain and they begin to fight the tribesmen. Frank's shirt gets torn. They manage to knock out five or six, but are overwhelmed and captured.)
Frank: Wait! We come in peace. We mean you no harm.
(The tribesmen turn and look at their fallen comrades, then look back at Frank.)
Frank: Uh...
(The one with the tackiest hair moves forward.)
Chieftan: You do not belong to my tribe. You are prisoners!
Frank: Listen. We are members of the starship Enterprise. Our seemingly never-ending mission is to explore strange new worlds, seek out slimy blobs and poorly-dressed weirdos, to boldly--
Chieftan: Shut up. Our tribe is bored by pompous talk.
Dale: Logic suggests that we should not attempt further action until we obtain more data.
Frank: Excuse me, Dale, but you keep saying `probability dictates' and `logic suggests'. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Dale: Fascinating. I will have to further explore this idiosyncratic linguistic anomaly. Meanwhile, I believe I may be able to simplify the current situation. I shall now ascertain which aspect of Earth's cultural history these people mirror completely except of course for one minor but nonetheless significant difference. Tribal Chieftan, how do you live?
Chieftan: We are a free people. We travel much and live off the land. We hunt animals for food and dig for roots. We weave to make clothes and manufacture light bulbs for religious purposes.
McKain: Light bulbs? Great! We'll take a dozen.
Chieftan: Sacrilege! You will all die painfully for this.
Frank: Well, Ken, you've put your foot in it now. Hey, Chief, are there any scantily-clad babes on this planet? Just thought I'd ask.
Chieftan: Why, yes, my daughter Arianna is one. Here she comes now.
(Enter a gorgeous blonde with perfect teeth wearing a fur bikini and way too much eye make-up. Switch to soft focus. She catches sight of Frank.)
Frank: Hello.
Arianna: No man has ever spoken to me with such tender beauty. Oh, kiss me, kiss me passionately, Stranger! Father, you can go ahead and disembowel the other intruders but spare this one if you would spare your daughter.
(switch to regular focus)
Chieftan: Go to your hut, Arianna; we will talk later. Bring the prisoners to the Deathcave where my son lies. They will stay there while the sacrifice is made ready. Perhaps they will find my son Ranor fitting company during the hour of preparation.
Frank: Listen! I am Captain T. Frank of the USS Enterprise and I demand you release us.
Chieftan: Your former titles mean nothing here, Captain.
(Scene: A gloomy cave. Frank, Dale and McKain are standing by a boulder that has sealed off the entrance.)
Captain's Log, Stardate 5188.2. I have made contact with a lady named Arianna. She's a foxy blonde and she's really hot for me. They all are. I sometimes wonder: is it my good looks or my terrific personality? Not that I really care; just so long as they know the score. Oh, also Dr. McKain, First Officer Dale and myself beamed down to Luminos in attempt to secure much needed light bulbs and are trapped in a cave awaiting sacrifice at the hands of savages while the Enterprise appears to have left planetary orbit.
McKain (eagerly pointing): Look, Frank, it's a sick guy! Oh boy, this is great! (adopting a professional tone) There, there son. I'm a doctor and I'm here to help you. What seems to be the trouble?
Ranor (moaning): I have...a hangnail, which is fatal to the people in our tribe. Our witchdoctors have searched...many generations -- aaagh -- for a cure, but have not found one. Do -- ungh -- do you have the knowledge and medical skill to remove it?
McKain: Astounding! Our culture solved that problem centuries ago. Now I'm just a simple country doctor with advanced surgical training and high-tech equipment, but I'll have you cured in no time.
(McKain sets to work, and Frank turns to Dale.)
Frank: Let's see, the chieftan made a remark that we would have an hour until the sacrifice. How much time do we have left?
Dale: I would estimate about 7 minutes 17.4 seconds.
Frank (amused): Thank you, Dale. I don't suppose you could come up with a `rough sketch' of an escape plan?
Dale: Actually, Captain, I have formulated 13 different plans of escape, with probabilities of success ranging from near certainty to 342,984.6 to 1 against. However, extrapolation based on estimated psychological profiles suggests that none of them would involve another passionate interlude between Arianna and yourself.
Frank (pounding his fist on a rock): Well, then, we'll JUST have to FIND another way! There must BE....another way.
(The boulder moves and tribesmen enter.)
Chieftan: Now, strangers, we disembowel you. We will start with the one my daughter has the hots for.
Ranor: Look, father, I'm better!
Chieftan: Ranor! The strangers have healed you! Strangers, you must possess great mystic powers. In gratitude for returning my son to life, I free you and give you a dozen sacred light bulbs. You who can perform such miracles will be worthy caretakers.
(A witchdoctor grudgingly hands over some light bulbs. Suddenly, Frank's communicator beeps. He flips it open.)
Timmeh: Enterprise to Captain Frank, Enterprise to Captain Frank.
Frank: Yes, Communications Officer Timmeh, we read you.
Timmeh: We are back in orbit and ready to receive you.
Frank: Acknowledged. Stand by to beam us aboard.
(Switch to soft focus. Arianna enters and flings herself on Frank.)
Arianna: Say you won't go!
Frank: I'm sorry, but I have to. I have other, greater responsibilities.
Arianna (wiping away tears): I understand. But I will always remember you! I will remember you until this jungle withers away. (She kisses him passionately.) I will remember you until the mountains become flat. (Another passionate kiss.) I will remember you until the stars shine no more in the night sky. (A final long firm kiss, reluctantly tearing her lips away.)
Frank: Yes, and I'll remember you until the next cheap bimbo comes along. Energize.
(Scene: The Bridge, regular focus. Frank is back in the captain's chair, with McKain, Dale, and Dadzie gathered around.)
Frank: Tell me, Dadzie, how did you escape the Romulan battleships?
Dadzie: I dinna rightly ken, sair. I star'e' ta try an' negotia' wi' 'em, an' th' Ramoolans ga frus'ra'ed an' sel'-destruc'ed.
Frank: Uh, whatever. (begins scratching.) Ugh. What it is, Ken?
McKain (also scratching): Apparently we all picked up a minor rash on the planet. It should go away in a couple of hours, but it'll be extremely uncomfortable.
Dale: I appear to be unaffected, Gentlemen.
McKain: Damn that green blood of yours!
Frank: Now, Ken, settle down. Yes, Mr. Jose, what is it?
Jose: Senor Keptin, my chair by the veapons console has lost a ballbearing and von't rewolve anymore.
Frank: Don't worry, Jose, we'll take care of it and get a new ballbearing right away. Mr. Josh, set course for the planet Metallicus.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Bill Oreilly on Barack Obama, Radio Factor 6/24
It's been awhile since I've put anything of real importance to me on this blog. What I heard on Bill Oreilly's Radio Factor show today really bothered me. I've always been able to ignore or accept other peoples opinions to a point. Today I reached that point.
Please forgive me, as I am going to paraphrase some of this to the best of my memory.
Bill played an audio clip of Barack Obama from 2006, a speech given to somebody, somewhere; it doesn't matter. Obama said-
"Whatever we once were, we're no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of non-believers. We should acknowledge this and realize that when we're formulating policies from the state house to the Senate floor to the White House, we've got to work to translate our reasoning into values that are accessible to every one of our citizens, not just members of our own faith community."
I am impressed with these words, we are a nation of many beliefs.
Bill Oreilly took exception to that speech/interview, putting a "SPIN" on it as he is oft quoted to be in the "No Spin Zone" yet he proceeded to slam Obama, emphasizing the Judeo-Christian values our country was founded on. He claims Obama is a secular-progressive, yet our constitution and laws are based on us being a secular nation. Should we follow Mr. Oreilly's lead on this and persecute those who are of different beliefs, or welcome them:
"Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
Has Bill Oreilly forgotten his own heritage? He is Irish, but so far removed from Irish immigrants to forget the troubles and hardships they faced to come to the great "Melting Pot" that is the United States of America.
That must be lost on Bill Oreilly who has just lost some of his credibility with this person.
Please forgive me, as I am going to paraphrase some of this to the best of my memory.
Bill played an audio clip of Barack Obama from 2006, a speech given to somebody, somewhere; it doesn't matter. Obama said-
"Whatever we once were, we're no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of non-believers. We should acknowledge this and realize that when we're formulating policies from the state house to the Senate floor to the White House, we've got to work to translate our reasoning into values that are accessible to every one of our citizens, not just members of our own faith community."
I am impressed with these words, we are a nation of many beliefs.
Bill Oreilly took exception to that speech/interview, putting a "SPIN" on it as he is oft quoted to be in the "No Spin Zone" yet he proceeded to slam Obama, emphasizing the Judeo-Christian values our country was founded on. He claims Obama is a secular-progressive, yet our constitution and laws are based on us being a secular nation. Should we follow Mr. Oreilly's lead on this and persecute those who are of different beliefs, or welcome them:
"Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
Has Bill Oreilly forgotten his own heritage? He is Irish, but so far removed from Irish immigrants to forget the troubles and hardships they faced to come to the great "Melting Pot" that is the United States of America.
That must be lost on Bill Oreilly who has just lost some of his credibility with this person.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
George WTF Bush
Quote by Bush this past weekend while in Southeast Asia:
"...North Korea's NUKULAR ambitions..."
Hey G-Dub; three words: Hooked on Phonics!
"...North Korea's NUKULAR ambitions..."
Hey G-Dub; three words: Hooked on Phonics!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Mr. Redneck's Trailer Park
[As always, during piano intro ("It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park"), see the trailer park miniature, back up from pole barn, pan right with the pickup, and then zoom to his trailer's miniature.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Then, as the music continues, inside, looking at Mr. Rednecks' empty trailer from the fish tank, past the neon Bud sign flashing, past Picher Picher (with painting of old-fashioned farm fields), past living room and up to the door. MR. REDNECKS enters, a welcoming smile and singing: "It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park." He wears a lei around his neck but it's not made of flowers, but unhulled peanuts! He wears a denim jacket today and, while singing, goes to the closet, changing it for a plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, leaving the lei on.]
MR REDNECKS
[singing] "It's a bootiful day in this trailer park,
A bootiful day for a neighbor.
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Jes’ like y’all.
I've always wanted to live in a trailer park
With y’all, so
Let's make the most of this bootiful day
Since we're together,
Reckon might as well say,
"Would y’all be mine, could y’all be mine,
Won't y’all be, my neighbor?"
Won't y’all please?
Won't y’all please?
Please won't y’all be
My neighbor?"
[He sat down on the bench and changed a boot for one of the old house slipper he keeps on the bench. The song is done, he stops, speaks as slow and neighborly as ever. During this (after showing us the peanut lei), he puts on the other slipper. We notice they are not matched.]
Heya neighbor.
See anything, different looking around my neck?
See this? A buddy of mine made this for me. Hmm-hmm. It's called a "peanut lei."
I guess lei is another word for a, necklace. Heh heh. An' this is made of aallll different peanuts. I didn't knooow there could be so many different looking ones. Just like we saw last time. Each One is different. Just like each one of our buddies is different, an' each one is special. Y’all know who one of my special buddies is. Y’all know the person who says, "Speedy Delivery"?
Mr. McFeely. He told me last time that he would bring us a videotape of how folks make chili- from the library. Well, he's not here right yet, so while we're waitin’ for him to come, why don't we sing our song about waitin’. Y’all know the one that says, "let's figure of sumpin’ to do while we're waitin’"?
[sings] "Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ for sumpin’ new
To do!
Let's try to figure up a song,
While we're waitin’,
That's liberatin’, and will be true,
To
Y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ 'til sumpin’s through!
Y’all know it's really All Right?
In fact it's downright,
Quite bright,
To figure of sumpin’ to do,
That's specific for y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're Waitin’!"
[remembers something] I have sumpin’ Right Now I'd like to show y’all. While we're waitin’. This is sumpin’ that I found, that I thought might be fun for y’all to see. Take a look at this here...
[He got a little box from near him on the bench. It's about 4" X 4" X 1", a cosmic little black box that is clear on one wide side to show: a yellow background and red and green bubbles that flow downward. Mr. Rednecks is slowly turning it this way and that, making patterns (closeup on it for us to see it). Dueling Banjos music accompanies. At the end:]
Ain’t that there fun?
I don't know how it's done but I figure that there's some, water, and some, oils--different colored oils--they just, kinda make me feel like I been smokin’ ragweed. Y’all know sumpin’ else I like to do? I like to read books. In fact, I remember the first teacher I had, who helped me to learn to read so’s I could get my drivin’ license. Here's a book of poems. It's just wonderful to be able to read. Yep.
[When he'd mentioned books, he'd got up and got a book from Pickup's area and held it up for us (title is POEMS, it looks homemade). He sits down on the couch and opens it up.]
Here's a, poem that I like. It's wonderful to know what, those words on the page mean. It says: " There once wuz a man from Nantucket, Whose wiener was so long he could…"-- [someone's knocking] Oh there's somebody at the door. Oh maybe it's Mr. McFeely!
[has got up and looks out window] It is.
[quickly gets door] Come in, Mr. McFeely!
MR McFEELY
Indeed. Sorry that this delivery took so long.
REDNECKS
Ohhh, my buddies an' I have lots of ideas of ways to, do things while we're waitin’.
McFEELY
Then y’all never be bored!
REDNECKS
That's no shit!
McFEELY
Well that's a nice lei y’all have on.
REDNECKS
Yes, a friend of mine made that--all different peanuts.
McFEELY
And this videotape is how people make chili. [shows him the "How People Make Chili" video tape]
REDNECKS
I know! Uh, could y’all wait, an' watch it with us?
McFEELY
Oh I--I can, I don't have that many deliveries today, an' as a matter fact--
REDNECKS
Hmm--hmm?
McFEELY
I have seen it an' I'll be able to tell y’all some things.
REDNECKS
--Good!--
McFEELY
All righty?
REDNECKS
Good, we'll watch it together.
McFEELY
All righty.
[They move to Picher Picher and REDNECKS puts the tape in down on the side by Pickup's oil stained park area.]
REDNECKS
We'll look at it on Picher Picher, "How People make Chili."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[As we watch, McFEELY explains what's going on with all this equipment, machinery, and people. REDNECKS echoes and comments, too, interested.]
McFEELY
[about a walking through a grocery store]
First, people go to the Piggly Wiggly to get vittles."
REDNECKS
Those are grocery stores…
McFEELY
[closeup on the shopping cart, cans of potted meat and Chili]
And then gets all their canned goods.
REDNECKS
Chili, fresh from the store...
McFEELY
[at the checkout counter]
That's right. But first, y’all have to pay for it. Git out yer food stamps.
REDNECKS
[driving home from the store]
Now they are on the way home, crossing the railroad tracks.
McFEELY
Hmm-hmm, ya gots to be careful on the railroad tracks, so y’all don’t spill yer PBR.
REDNECKS
Hmm-mm. Ah know what y’all mean...
McFEELY
[about opening the can of chili]
Here the folks are using a can opener to get the chili out.
REDNECKS
I hear some folks have ‘lectric can openers!
McFEELY
[about dumping the chili into a sauce pan]
They surely do. Here you gotta heat up the chili. Don’t turn up the hot plate too high or the chili will stick to the pan.
REDNECKS
Can you eat it right from the can?
McFEELY
Well ya can, but it’s better warm.
[the chili is now hot. Pouring the chili into a bowl]
Now here's the important part. You can eat the chili with crackers, or pour it over the top of just about any other food.
REDNECKS
Git in mah belly!
McFEELY
In a few hours you get a bonus!
REDNECKS
Hmm!
McFEELY
Chili Farts!
REDNECKS
Be very careful, around open flames!
McFEELY
That's right.
REDNECKS
Now what needs to be done?
[about cleaning up the mess]
McFEELY
Now just throw the paper plate away and let the dog lick the pan. That’s all!
[Back to the living room, REDNECKS gets the tape.]
REDNECKS
Now when I eat chili, I'll know about some of the people who helped to make it.
McFEELY
It takes people to make practically everything, doesn't it?
REDNECKS
Yes, that's why so many people have go to work.
McFEELY
I have my speedy delivery work, and y’all do yore television programs.
REDNECKS
Yeah, that's right. Takes people to make all sorts of things.
McFEELY
Away, and at home, too. I uh, better get back to my speedy deliveries; I have more pickups and deliveries.
REDNECKS
Good, would y’all mind taking that tape back to the library?
McFEELY
I'll do it, if y’all, will, sign right here on the dotted line for the pickup and delivery. [getting clipboard out of his sack]
REDNECKS
[signing an “X”] Of course. I appreciate yore work, Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
An' I appreciate yore business.
REDNECKS
[walking with McFEELY to door] Please give my best to Mrs. McFeely.
McFEELY
I'llll do that, we'll seeee y’all around the trailer park.
REDNECKS
Thank y’all again.
McFEELY
Y’all're welcome! Speedy Delivery. [leaves with a wave]
REDNECKS
Bye. [shuts door and turns to us, stopping at the bottom of the stairs] Ain’t that interesting? Seeing how people make things like chili?
Does it feel good to learn things?
It does for me. [phone's ringing] Oh there's the phone.
[goes to the other side of the post for the phone]
Hello?
[sitting] Mr. McFeely!
Yes! Yes I'm here, hmm-mm.
Well of course! Y’all know y’all're always welcome here.
All right. Fine! Thank y’all. Bye-bye.
[to us, soon getting up] Mr. McFeely says, I just want to bring one more thing, one more thing. So he must have a surprise to bring us.
McFEELY
A Speedy Delivery surprise!
[McFEELY has a real orange flower lei around his neck and another in his hand. (At the start, the Speedy music was in background.)]
REDNECKS
--What are those?--
McFEELY
Well, when I returned the video tape to the library, I happened to stop in on a craft class, and they were making flower leis, an' they gave me this one, an' they asked me to, Speedy Delivery this one, to y’all! [REDNECKS was saying, "Hmm-hmm" and "Uh-huh" during all of this]
REDNECKS
This one's for me?
McFEELY
There y’all go. Speedy Delivery to y’all.
[REDNECKS puts it on. (Brief electric organ Hawaiian music in background.)]
REDNECKS
[smiling, holding peanut lei up] Peanuts.
McFEELY
Peanuts.
REDNECKS
[likewise with the flower lei] An' flowers.
McFEELY
An' flowers. Well, many different ways of makin' necklaces.
REDNECKS
There certainly are. Do y’all have a minute I can show y’all sumpin’.
McFEELY
I do.
[McFEELY follows him downstairs, REDNECKS is going to the bench for that magic little box.]
REDNECKS
[about the lei] Thank y’all for this.
McFEELY
Well, y’all're welcome.
REDNECKS
Boy all the things that they do at the library.
McFEELY
Many things there.
REDNECKS
I would like y’all to see this.
McFEELY
What's this?
REDNECKS
Sumpin’ that I found..
McFEELY
--Mm-mm--
REDNECKS
[turning it as before] Look at it..
[Close-up on it making different patterns as Mr. Rednecks slowly turns it this way and that.]
McFEELY
Why, it's a Moving, Picture. Ha ha!
REDNECKS
[laughs] Ha ha! Yes it is!
McFEELY
That's bootiful.
REDNECKS
I figure it is.
I keep looking at it an' seeing aaall of the different, designs that it makes..
McFEELY
No one picture is the same!
They're all different.
REDNECKS
They surely are. Just like allll of the flowers and all peanuts--
McFEELY
And all people--
REDNECKS
And all people. Do y’all figure y’all grandchildren would enjoy seeing this.
McFEELY
They would love seeing this. They're coming for a visit, [R: "Hmm-hmm"] do y’all figure I could borrow it?
REDNECKS
Of course!
McFEELY
An' I'll bring it back in a few days.
REDNECKS
All right.
McFEELY
[takes it] Speedy Delivery. A lot of surprises in this trailer park! Heh-heh-heh! [leaving]
REDNECKS
[a farewell] That's for sure. Thanks Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
Yeah, I have one more delivery, then I'm going home! Good day--
REDNECKS
Please give Mrs. McFeely my best.
McFEELY
I will. Speedy Delivery to y’all! [REDNECKS: Byeee!] Buh-bye! [he's gone]
REDNECKS
[shuts door, comes back down stairs, sits on bench] It's fun to take care, ain’t it?
As y’all grow, y’all'll find more an' more ways of taking care. Of y’allrself, and others. An' when y’all do it, it gives y’all such a good feeling.
[happy, singing] "It's such a good, feeling
To know y’all're alive
It's such a Happy feeling
Y’all're growing inside
And when y’all wake up, ready to say:
'I figure I'll make a snappy new day'
It's such a good, feeling
A very good feeling
A feeling y’all know
That, I'll be back
When the day is new
An' I'll have more, ideas
For y’all.
And y’all'll have things y’all'll want to talk about.
I
Will
Too."
[During the song, he took his slippers off again and slipped back into his boots. Then he stood, took off his plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, and tossed it on the floor. As he talks, he puts his huntin' jacket on, keeping the leis on.]
Y’all always make each day a special day.
Y’all know how?
By just y’allr being y’allrself.
Only one person in this whole world like y’all. Y’all. And people can like y’all exactly as y’all are. I'll be back next time. Bye.
[He waves and leaves, shutting the door again. He'd got the music instrument off the bench before leaving.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During credits, we see the view of the trailer park miniature starting on his trailer, then back up to a wide shot, following the little pickup left to a pole barn we zoom in on.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Then, as the music continues, inside, looking at Mr. Rednecks' empty trailer from the fish tank, past the neon Bud sign flashing, past Picher Picher (with painting of old-fashioned farm fields), past living room and up to the door. MR. REDNECKS enters, a welcoming smile and singing: "It's a Bootiful Day in the Trailer Park." He wears a lei around his neck but it's not made of flowers, but unhulled peanuts! He wears a denim jacket today and, while singing, goes to the closet, changing it for a plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, leaving the lei on.]
MR REDNECKS
[singing] "It's a bootiful day in this trailer park,
A bootiful day for a neighbor.
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would y’all be mine.
Could y’all be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Jes’ like y’all.
I've always wanted to live in a trailer park
With y’all, so
Let's make the most of this bootiful day
Since we're together,
Reckon might as well say,
"Would y’all be mine, could y’all be mine,
Won't y’all be, my neighbor?"
Won't y’all please?
Won't y’all please?
Please won't y’all be
My neighbor?"
[He sat down on the bench and changed a boot for one of the old house slipper he keeps on the bench. The song is done, he stops, speaks as slow and neighborly as ever. During this (after showing us the peanut lei), he puts on the other slipper. We notice they are not matched.]
Heya neighbor.
See anything, different looking around my neck?
See this? A buddy of mine made this for me. Hmm-hmm. It's called a "peanut lei."
I guess lei is another word for a, necklace. Heh heh. An' this is made of aallll different peanuts. I didn't knooow there could be so many different looking ones. Just like we saw last time. Each One is different. Just like each one of our buddies is different, an' each one is special. Y’all know who one of my special buddies is. Y’all know the person who says, "Speedy Delivery"?
Mr. McFeely. He told me last time that he would bring us a videotape of how folks make chili- from the library. Well, he's not here right yet, so while we're waitin’ for him to come, why don't we sing our song about waitin’. Y’all know the one that says, "let's figure of sumpin’ to do while we're waitin’"?
[sings] "Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ for sumpin’ new
To do!
Let's try to figure up a song,
While we're waitin’,
That's liberatin’, and will be true,
To
Y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're waitin’,
While we're waitin’ 'til sumpin’s through!
Y’all know it's really All Right?
In fact it's downright,
Quite bright,
To figure of sumpin’ to do,
That's specific for y’all!
Let's figure of sumpin’ to do,
While we're Waitin’!"
[remembers something] I have sumpin’ Right Now I'd like to show y’all. While we're waitin’. This is sumpin’ that I found, that I thought might be fun for y’all to see. Take a look at this here...
[He got a little box from near him on the bench. It's about 4" X 4" X 1", a cosmic little black box that is clear on one wide side to show: a yellow background and red and green bubbles that flow downward. Mr. Rednecks is slowly turning it this way and that, making patterns (closeup on it for us to see it). Dueling Banjos music accompanies. At the end:]
Ain’t that there fun?
I don't know how it's done but I figure that there's some, water, and some, oils--different colored oils--they just, kinda make me feel like I been smokin’ ragweed. Y’all know sumpin’ else I like to do? I like to read books. In fact, I remember the first teacher I had, who helped me to learn to read so’s I could get my drivin’ license. Here's a book of poems. It's just wonderful to be able to read. Yep.
[When he'd mentioned books, he'd got up and got a book from Pickup's area and held it up for us (title is POEMS, it looks homemade). He sits down on the couch and opens it up.]
Here's a, poem that I like. It's wonderful to know what, those words on the page mean. It says: " There once wuz a man from Nantucket, Whose wiener was so long he could…"-- [someone's knocking] Oh there's somebody at the door. Oh maybe it's Mr. McFeely!
[has got up and looks out window] It is.
[quickly gets door] Come in, Mr. McFeely!
MR McFEELY
Indeed. Sorry that this delivery took so long.
REDNECKS
Ohhh, my buddies an' I have lots of ideas of ways to, do things while we're waitin’.
McFEELY
Then y’all never be bored!
REDNECKS
That's no shit!
McFEELY
Well that's a nice lei y’all have on.
REDNECKS
Yes, a friend of mine made that--all different peanuts.
McFEELY
And this videotape is how people make chili. [shows him the "How People Make Chili" video tape]
REDNECKS
I know! Uh, could y’all wait, an' watch it with us?
McFEELY
Oh I--I can, I don't have that many deliveries today, an' as a matter fact--
REDNECKS
Hmm--hmm?
McFEELY
I have seen it an' I'll be able to tell y’all some things.
REDNECKS
--Good!--
McFEELY
All righty?
REDNECKS
Good, we'll watch it together.
McFEELY
All righty.
[They move to Picher Picher and REDNECKS puts the tape in down on the side by Pickup's oil stained park area.]
REDNECKS
We'll look at it on Picher Picher, "How People make Chili."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[As we watch, McFEELY explains what's going on with all this equipment, machinery, and people. REDNECKS echoes and comments, too, interested.]
McFEELY
[about a walking through a grocery store]
First, people go to the Piggly Wiggly to get vittles."
REDNECKS
Those are grocery stores…
McFEELY
[closeup on the shopping cart, cans of potted meat and Chili]
And then gets all their canned goods.
REDNECKS
Chili, fresh from the store...
McFEELY
[at the checkout counter]
That's right. But first, y’all have to pay for it. Git out yer food stamps.
REDNECKS
[driving home from the store]
Now they are on the way home, crossing the railroad tracks.
McFEELY
Hmm-hmm, ya gots to be careful on the railroad tracks, so y’all don’t spill yer PBR.
REDNECKS
Hmm-mm. Ah know what y’all mean...
McFEELY
[about opening the can of chili]
Here the folks are using a can opener to get the chili out.
REDNECKS
I hear some folks have ‘lectric can openers!
McFEELY
[about dumping the chili into a sauce pan]
They surely do. Here you gotta heat up the chili. Don’t turn up the hot plate too high or the chili will stick to the pan.
REDNECKS
Can you eat it right from the can?
McFEELY
Well ya can, but it’s better warm.
[the chili is now hot. Pouring the chili into a bowl]
Now here's the important part. You can eat the chili with crackers, or pour it over the top of just about any other food.
REDNECKS
Git in mah belly!
McFEELY
In a few hours you get a bonus!
REDNECKS
Hmm!
McFEELY
Chili Farts!
REDNECKS
Be very careful, around open flames!
McFEELY
That's right.
REDNECKS
Now what needs to be done?
[about cleaning up the mess]
McFEELY
Now just throw the paper plate away and let the dog lick the pan. That’s all!
[Back to the living room, REDNECKS gets the tape.]
REDNECKS
Now when I eat chili, I'll know about some of the people who helped to make it.
McFEELY
It takes people to make practically everything, doesn't it?
REDNECKS
Yes, that's why so many people have go to work.
McFEELY
I have my speedy delivery work, and y’all do yore television programs.
REDNECKS
Yeah, that's right. Takes people to make all sorts of things.
McFEELY
Away, and at home, too. I uh, better get back to my speedy deliveries; I have more pickups and deliveries.
REDNECKS
Good, would y’all mind taking that tape back to the library?
McFEELY
I'll do it, if y’all, will, sign right here on the dotted line for the pickup and delivery. [getting clipboard out of his sack]
REDNECKS
[signing an “X”] Of course. I appreciate yore work, Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
An' I appreciate yore business.
REDNECKS
[walking with McFEELY to door] Please give my best to Mrs. McFeely.
McFEELY
I'llll do that, we'll seeee y’all around the trailer park.
REDNECKS
Thank y’all again.
McFEELY
Y’all're welcome! Speedy Delivery. [leaves with a wave]
REDNECKS
Bye. [shuts door and turns to us, stopping at the bottom of the stairs] Ain’t that interesting? Seeing how people make things like chili?
Does it feel good to learn things?
It does for me. [phone's ringing] Oh there's the phone.
[goes to the other side of the post for the phone]
Hello?
[sitting] Mr. McFeely!
Yes! Yes I'm here, hmm-mm.
Well of course! Y’all know y’all're always welcome here.
All right. Fine! Thank y’all. Bye-bye.
[to us, soon getting up] Mr. McFeely says, I just want to bring one more thing, one more thing. So he must have a surprise to bring us.
McFEELY
A Speedy Delivery surprise!
[McFEELY has a real orange flower lei around his neck and another in his hand. (At the start, the Speedy music was in background.)]
REDNECKS
--What are those?--
McFEELY
Well, when I returned the video tape to the library, I happened to stop in on a craft class, and they were making flower leis, an' they gave me this one, an' they asked me to, Speedy Delivery this one, to y’all! [REDNECKS was saying, "Hmm-hmm" and "Uh-huh" during all of this]
REDNECKS
This one's for me?
McFEELY
There y’all go. Speedy Delivery to y’all.
[REDNECKS puts it on. (Brief electric organ Hawaiian music in background.)]
REDNECKS
[smiling, holding peanut lei up] Peanuts.
McFEELY
Peanuts.
REDNECKS
[likewise with the flower lei] An' flowers.
McFEELY
An' flowers. Well, many different ways of makin' necklaces.
REDNECKS
There certainly are. Do y’all have a minute I can show y’all sumpin’.
McFEELY
I do.
[McFEELY follows him downstairs, REDNECKS is going to the bench for that magic little box.]
REDNECKS
[about the lei] Thank y’all for this.
McFEELY
Well, y’all're welcome.
REDNECKS
Boy all the things that they do at the library.
McFEELY
Many things there.
REDNECKS
I would like y’all to see this.
McFEELY
What's this?
REDNECKS
Sumpin’ that I found..
McFEELY
--Mm-mm--
REDNECKS
[turning it as before] Look at it..
[Close-up on it making different patterns as Mr. Rednecks slowly turns it this way and that.]
McFEELY
Why, it's a Moving, Picture. Ha ha!
REDNECKS
[laughs] Ha ha! Yes it is!
McFEELY
That's bootiful.
REDNECKS
I figure it is.
I keep looking at it an' seeing aaall of the different, designs that it makes..
McFEELY
No one picture is the same!
They're all different.
REDNECKS
They surely are. Just like allll of the flowers and all peanuts--
McFEELY
And all people--
REDNECKS
And all people. Do y’all figure y’all grandchildren would enjoy seeing this.
McFEELY
They would love seeing this. They're coming for a visit, [R: "Hmm-hmm"] do y’all figure I could borrow it?
REDNECKS
Of course!
McFEELY
An' I'll bring it back in a few days.
REDNECKS
All right.
McFEELY
[takes it] Speedy Delivery. A lot of surprises in this trailer park! Heh-heh-heh! [leaving]
REDNECKS
[a farewell] That's for sure. Thanks Mr. McFeely.
McFEELY
Yeah, I have one more delivery, then I'm going home! Good day--
REDNECKS
Please give Mrs. McFeely my best.
McFEELY
I will. Speedy Delivery to y’all! [REDNECKS: Byeee!] Buh-bye! [he's gone]
REDNECKS
[shuts door, comes back down stairs, sits on bench] It's fun to take care, ain’t it?
As y’all grow, y’all'll find more an' more ways of taking care. Of y’allrself, and others. An' when y’all do it, it gives y’all such a good feeling.
[happy, singing] "It's such a good, feeling
To know y’all're alive
It's such a Happy feeling
Y’all're growing inside
And when y’all wake up, ready to say:
'I figure I'll make a snappy new day'
It's such a good, feeling
A very good feeling
A feeling y’all know
That, I'll be back
When the day is new
An' I'll have more, ideas
For y’all.
And y’all'll have things y’all'll want to talk about.
I
Will
Too."
[During the song, he took his slippers off again and slipped back into his boots. Then he stood, took off his plaid sleeveless flannel shirt, and tossed it on the floor. As he talks, he puts his huntin' jacket on, keeping the leis on.]
Y’all always make each day a special day.
Y’all know how?
By just y’allr being y’allrself.
Only one person in this whole world like y’all. Y’all. And people can like y’all exactly as y’all are. I'll be back next time. Bye.
[He waves and leaves, shutting the door again. He'd got the music instrument off the bench before leaving.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[During credits, we see the view of the trailer park miniature starting on his trailer, then back up to a wide shot, following the little pickup left to a pole barn we zoom in on.]
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Evil of Nancy Grace
The twisted mind of Nancy Grace who dis-graces CNN Headline News has gone overboard...again.
In this instance Nancy has relentlessly grilled a grieving mother whose child was kidnapped, driving the emotionally distraught mom to take her own life.
NANCY GRACE IS DESPICABLE!!!!!!! She has no sense of humanity!
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/mother-of-missing-boy-commits-suicide/20060913143209990003?ncid=NWS00010000000001
Mother of Missing Boy Commits Suicide - AOL News
Draw your own conclusions, but Nancy Grace should be held accountable for her thoughtless actions in her attempt to boost ratings.
Nancy: The Weekly World News may have an opening for you! It's more your style.
In this instance Nancy has relentlessly grilled a grieving mother whose child was kidnapped, driving the emotionally distraught mom to take her own life.
NANCY GRACE IS DESPICABLE!!!!!!! She has no sense of humanity!
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/mother-of-missing-boy-commits-suicide/20060913143209990003?ncid=NWS00010000000001
Mother of Missing Boy Commits Suicide - AOL News
Draw your own conclusions, but Nancy Grace should be held accountable for her thoughtless actions in her attempt to boost ratings.
Nancy: The Weekly World News may have an opening for you! It's more your style.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Repair Tech Wars - -No Hope
This parody script was written by Rob K., a former co-worker. I take no credit or responsibility for its content.
REPAIR TECH WARS
Episode IV
NO HOPE
Far, far away, in a galaxy a long time ago...
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop (there are three). Highway to hell is played in the background as the following words roll across the screen.
It is a period of war. Repair Tech spaceships, striking from a hidden base; have won their first victory against the evil TRW
Empire.
During the battle, Repair Tech spies managed to steal secret plans to TRW's ultimate weapon, the Death Module, an armored air bag that deploys with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by TRWs sinister agents, Princess Layme races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save the Repair Techs and restore freedom to the galaxy...
The awesome yellow planet of Marshalline emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Repair Tech Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. A giant TRW Morale-Destroyer purses it. Hundreds of deadly laser bolts streak from the TRW Morale-Destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Repair Tech craft to disintegrate.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Jay-Eye-Em (JIM) and Em-Eye-Kay-Eee (MIKE) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are ugly and pretty useless.
Jim is a short, round looking freak. His face looks like a two-year-old baby's. Mike, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot. He has a gleaming; long, luxurious head of hair that makes him look kind of like a girl.
Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way down the corridor.
MIKE: Uh-oh! My Repair Tech training tells me they shut down the main reactor. It feels like they might have damaged the struts as well. This sucks!
Repair Tech troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. Normally, they'd aim their guns at the door, but I decided it's more fun when people fight hand-to-hand and have weapons such as chair, 2x4s, etc. Kind of like wrestling...
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
JIM: Did you say your gay? I already knew that.
MIKE: I think the Princess is pretty much screwed.
JIM: Thanks to me. I'm a pimp...and not a gay one.
Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside of the ship.
MIKE: Oh know. Sounds like the shocks are gone.
EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE.
The TRW craft has easily overtaken the Repair Tech Blockade Runner. The smaller Repair Tech ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant TRW starship.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
The nervous Repair Tech troopers aim their...2x4s. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored space suited TRW-Troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is filled with flying chairs, 2x4s, and written warnings. The deadly chairs ricochet in wild random patterns creating chaos. TRW-Troopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Chairs hit several Repair Tech soldiers who scream and stagger through the hall, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the dumb robots.
MIKE: Why do I listen to you? It's your fault I'm going to die...
JIM: You listen to me because your gay and you like my butt...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT REDNECKLAND -- DAY.
A death-white wasteland across the horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settles on a lone figure, Rick Manwalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who acts much younger than his 34 years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable lad; unfortunately this assumption is totally false.
A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on an old battered 65 Mustang... He is aided by a beat up tread-robot with six arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning.
A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Rick's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electro binoculars from his utility belt (he keeps them on hand for peeping purposes). He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired AMC Gremlin. He motions for the robot to follow him.
RICK (whining): Gees! Hurry up! Come on! What are you waiting for ya piece of crap?! I'll kill you!
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of it. Rick throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the farm boy jumps into his Gremlin leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY.
The awesome, seven-foot-tall, old and fat Dark Lord of TRW makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Battlehammer, right hand of the TRW CEO. His face is obscured by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the TRW-Troopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Repair Tech troops. Several of the Repair Tech troops break and run in a frenzied panic.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
A woman's hand puts a folded piece of paper into Jim's pants.
JIM: That's what I'm talkin' about! I am soooo not gay!
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Mike stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Jim is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Repair Tech soldiers can be heard in the distance.
MIKE: Jim! Jim, where in the hell are you at?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Mike's attention and he spots little Jim at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old...giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, oh yeah....) is kneeling in front of Jim. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting Jim's pants, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.
MIKE: You've got to be kidding me! We're under attack and your getting your groove on???
TRW-Troopers can be heard battling in the distance.
MIKE: They're heading right for us! What are we going to do now???
We'll be put away without any Internet connection for the rest of our lives!!!
Jim scoots past his friend and races down the sub hallway. Mike chases after him.
MIKE: Wait a minute! Don't leave without me!
JIM: Well, quit acting gay and get moving...MF.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- CORRIDOR
The evil Darth Battlehammer stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Repair Tech Officer by the neck as a TRW Group Leader rushes up to the Dark Lord.
GROUP LEAD: The Death Module plans are not in the main computer.
Battlehammer squeezes the neck of the Repair Tech Officer, who doesn't really seem to be bothered by the Dark Lords feeble grip.
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me where the transmissions are, jackass!
Battlehammer tries to lift the Repair Tech off his feet by his throat. It doesn't work. A couple of TRW-Troopers grab the Repair Tech by the arms, and lift. Now the Battlehammer looks cool...
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me now!
REPAIR TECH OFFICER: Dude, that outfit makes you look fat. And old. Anyhoo, we're on a diplomatic mission.
BATTLEHAMMER: Oh really? I look fat and old? Well, you look dead!
Battlehammer tries to choke the guy to death, but the Repair Tech just kind of rolls his eyes. Battlehammer grabs a gun and shoots the Repair Tech in the head.
Battlehammer tosses the dead soldier (with help from the TRW-Troopers) against the wall and turns to his troops.
BATTLEHAMMER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Princess. I want her! I mean I want her alive!
The TRW-Troopers scurry into the sub hallways.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the TRW-Troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Layme Orgasmo, a member of the Terre Haute Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger (and a bit of lust), as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching TRW-Troopers grow louder. One of the troopers sees her.
TROOPER: I see her! Get her!
Layme steps from her hiding place and kicks one of the troopers in the balls. She starts to run but is tackled from behind. The troopers inspect her inert body...most thoroughly.
TROOPER: She's a fine piece of...I mean, inform Lord Battlehammer we have a prisoner.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
Jim stops before the small hatch of an emergency life pod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash repeatedly. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped pod.
MIKE: Hey, Jim, you're not permitted in there. It's against the rules. It's stuff like that, that shows you don't have a positive attitude.
JIM: Dude, you are such an idiot...
MIKE: Don't call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of crap! Now come out before somebody sees you and we get in trouble!
JIM: First of all, I didn't call you a mindless philosopher. I called you an idiot. Second of all, you're gay. Third of all, I'm on a secret mission.
MIKE: Secret mission my ass! You are so full of it! You're always making up stuff. I'm done hanging out with you!
JIM: Dude, like I care. It's easier to get laid without you around...unless I want cyber-sex.
The sound of TRW-Troopers gets closer. Mike pees himself.
JIM: Just get in here, retard.
The lanky robot jumps into the life pod.
MIKE: I'm going to regret this. Quit touching my ass!
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: TRW MORALE-DESTROYER.
On the main view screen, the life pod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Repair Tech spacecraft.
GUNNER: There goes another one! I bet I can take it out with one shot...
CAPTAIN: Dude get over here! I found nude pictures of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet!
The gunner quickly leaves his post.
INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.
Jim and Mike look out at the receding TRW starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. Jim gets dizzy and throws up.
MIKE: That's funny; you're a wuss.
JIM: At least I'm not gay.
MIKE: (whines) Oh man, I stepped in it!
INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY
A squad of TRW-Troopers leads Princess Layme down a low-ceilinged hallway. Her hands are bound and she is goosed with an electric prod when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Battlehammer emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. When that doesn't work, he farts really loud. The girl wrinkles her nose in disgust. Several troopers gag.
LAYME: Lord Battlehammer, I should have known. Only you would take time off work to fly across the galaxy to pick up underage girls. The
HR Department will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness...unless they're sexy games. Those are okay. Anyway, the HR Department will totally ignore this issue because that is their job! You weren't on any training mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Plus, you were speeding and you don't have a TRW parking tag! Repair Tech spies beamed several transmissions to this ship.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you...or we can conduct a strip search.
LAYME: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm always up for a strip search. I'm a member of the TRW Entertainment Committee on a diplomatic mission to Terre Haute...
BATTLEHAMMER: You're a part of the Repair Tech Alliance...and a traitor. And you're stupid! Take her away!
Layme is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A TRW Team Leader turns to Battlehammer.
TEAM LEADER: Holding her isn't a good idea. You should just give her a final verbal written oral warning.
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my boss! She's my only link to finding those damn Repair Techs.
TEAM LEADER: She'll put in her two weeks notice before she tells you anything.
BATTLEHAMMER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the HR Department that all aboard were killed!
TEAM LEADER: Why? The HR Department is on our side. Why do we have to lie?
BATTLEHAMMER: It's not a lie. I'm going to kill everybody. HR just needs to know for payroll purposes.
A Group Leader approaches Battlehammer and the Team Leader. Battlehammer pats the Group Leader on the head for being obedient.
GROUP LEADER: Lord Battlehammer, the Death Module plans are not aboard this ship and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but the gunners didn't shoot it down because they found nude pics of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet.
Battlehammer turns to the Commander.
BATTLEHAMMER: Layme must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to get them. In the meantime, I demand to see these pics of Lindsey Lohan!
TEAM LEADER: Yes, sir! Can I look too?
BATTLEHAMMER: No...this is something I'll need to do in private...
EXTERIOR: SPACE.
The TRW Morale-Destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Marshalline.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT.
The two useless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the life pod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The life pod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. Jim wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side.
MIKE: How did I get into this? I really don't know. All I wanted was an extra dollar an hour. Instead, I get 38 cents and my hours changed. On top of that, I'm now running from the evil TRW Empire.
JIM: Dude, will you please shut up???
MIKE: I've got band practice in the morning. I'm meeting a girl from Pakistan on the Internet later! My life is falling apart!
JIM: Do you want me to kill you?
MIKE: Man...this place is hot...
JIM: Well, I'm not standing around here with your gay ass all day. I'm outta here!
Suddenly Jim starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Mike stops and yells at him.
MIKE: Where do you think your going?
JIM: Anywhere there isn't gayness.
MIKE: Well, I'm not going that way. The acoustics wouldn't be right for band practice. I'm going this other way. And don't' try to talk me out of it!
JIM: No problem...
MIKE: I mean it! I'm not going to follow you!
JIM: Yup...heard ya the first time...
MIKE: Don't beg me to go with you!
JIM: Wouldn't dream of it...
MIKE: Fine! Be that way! You just go ahead with your make believe missions! See if I care! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mike throws a rock at Jim and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea.
MIKE: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help.
JIM: It won't happen unless I need help not picking up any girls...
He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas.
MIKE: Man, I hate that guy. He doesn't even know the difference between a shock and a strut.
JIM: Man, I hate that guy. He's gay.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNE SEA.
Mike, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas and flips off Jim (who he can no longer see).
MIKE: That malfunctioning little turd. This is all his fault! In fact, it's everybody's fault but mine! He tricked me into going this way, but only because I'm stupid.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Mike knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.
MIKE: What's that? It looks like a giant truck. Man, I can't wait to see the shocks on that thing.
The android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.
MIKE: Over here, jerkoff! Hey, dumbass! Please, help...moron!
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SUNSET.
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Oh, wait. The mist and ominous sounds are coming from Jim's ass. Jim moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud farting noise as he goes.
JIM: Damn low-carb diet...
Jim hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he adjusts himself and continues on his way.
In the distance, a pebble tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the path. The unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a little midget jumps out and hits Jim on the head with a hammer.
JIM: Awww, sh--
Jim falls backward onto his back. Out of the rocks scurry three midgets, almost as tall as Jim. They take turns hitting Jim with the hammer, making sure he is good and knocked out. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their beady eyes can be seen. They all huddle around Jim's inert form and make him an unwilling participant to a little midget love...
TO BE CONTINUED...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The eight midgets carry Jim out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Jim and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine.
The filthy little midgets scurry like rats up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- HOLD AREA.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler and smell like midget love...oh wait, that's Jim. Jim finds a small flashlight and begins making his way around heaps of junk. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He pauses momentarily when he finds an old copy of Penthouse. After reading Forum, he continues on. As his situation appears more and more hopeless, Jim begins to cry.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- PRISON AREA.
Jim enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling (which means the ceiling is about a foot above his head). In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Bill's loadbox is among the heap. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply sit and rust. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. Jim slaps his head in frustration.
MIKE: Jim! It's you! Why do you smell like midget love?
Mike covers his nose.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge. The Sandcrawler stops at an Arby's and then continues its journey.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- DAY.
Four TRW-troopers mill about in front of the half-buried life pod that brought Jim and Mike to Marshalline. A trooper yells to a group leader some distance away.
FIRST TROOPER: Someone named Mike was in the pod. I'm certain of it!
GROUP LEADER: How do you know?
FIRST TROOPER: Well, somebody wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side of the pod.
In true TRW management fashion, the Group Leader reached his own decision...
GROUP LEADER: Okay, clearly you are correct. Somebody named Mike was in the pod and according to these tracks, they headed off to the east. But, I'm going to ignore the facts and tell you what is really going on here. "Mike is gay" could be taken a many number of ways. You are reading it wrong so therefore there is a lack of communication. In fact, I bet you are Mike!
The group leader pulls out a gun and shoots the trooper.
GROUP LEADER: Case solved! I'm going to lunch...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNES.
The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. You can hear Mike inside going "Wheee!!!"
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER.
Mike and Jim noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Jim appears to be sleeping. Mike takes his wallet before waking him.
MIKE: Midget lover! It's time to wake up!
Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men.
MECHANICAL MEN: *random mumblings*
Mike slaps Jim a couple of times to wake him up. Jim comes out of sleep mumbling something about "No...no midgets..." A dozen or so midgets make their way through the odd assortment of robots.
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
A midget starts moving toward them.
MIKE: Do you think they'll make us their midget love slaves?
JIM: Why are you asking me?
THREEPIO: Oh...I don't know. *coughmidgetlovercough*
JIM: Shut up.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- RATT HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
The midgets mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Jim and Mike, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe blockhouse.
The midgets scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. One of the midgets pauses to hump Jim's leg.
Out of the shadows of a dingy side building limps Owen Ratt, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in from years of cocaine use. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, his slump-shouldered nephew, Rick Manwalker, closely follows him. One of the vile little midgets walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language.
A female voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Rick goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard.
BERU: Rick, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Ghetto.
RICK: Quit telling me what to do! Tell him yourself!
Rick returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the midget leader.
OWEN: I have no need for a droid that can play the drums.
MIKE: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- but...I've nailed two chicks at once...
JIM: ...and a guy...
MIKE: What??? That's not true!
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands how to play XBox.
MIKE: Xbox! Sir -- My first job was playing Playstation 2...very similar to the Xbox. In fact...
OWEN: Do you speak Ghetto?
MIKE: Word up, broham. It's like a second language for
me...I used to deal crack...
OWEN: All right shut up, hippie! (turning to midget) I'll take this gay one.
MIKE: I'm not gay!
OWEN: Rick, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to give both of them a bath before dinner.
Rick: But I was going into Terre Haute Station to pick up some shocks...
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Don't make me backhand you!
Get to it!
RICK: Gees, my life sucks! Okay... the short droid and the Asian one. Well, come on, Cling Dong Chong. Let's go.
As the midgets start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Jim lets out a pathetic little whine and starts after his old friend Mike.
JIM: Miiiikkkkeee! Don't leave meeeeeee!!! Not with the midgets!
A slimy midget, who hits him in the face with a loadbox, restrains him.
Owen is negotiating with the head midget. Rick and the two robots start off for the garage. When nobody is looking, Jim picks up a rock and throws it at the Asian robot, hitting him in the head. The robot falls to the ground, bleeding from the nasty gash.
RICK: Uncle fatass...
OWEN: What?
RICK: This Asian unit is unstable. Look! It's got a big gash in its head!
OWEN: (to the head midget) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
The midget goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Jim has sneaked out of line. He farts loudly. Mike taps Rick on the shoulder.
MIKE: (pointing to Jim) Excuse me, sir, but that short, round unit is pretty useless. Whatever you do, don't buy him.
JIM: Why, you sonofabi--
RICK: Hey! Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a slave to The Man! Uncle lardbutt...
OWEN: What?
RICK: What about the short one?
JIM and MIKE: (in unison) I'm not gay!
OWEN: (to midget) What about that short one? We'll buy that one.
With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged droid-droid for Jim.
RICK: See! I do what I want!
MIKE: Uh, great. You bought a really worthless droid that isn't good at anything except bugging me. He's a first-class pain in the ass. And he's a Braves fan. How pathetic...oh, here he comes.
Owen pays off the whining midget as Rick and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
RICK: Okay, let's go get you two cleaned up.
JIM: Cool, bath time. Hey Rick, don't forget to wash my taint!
MIKE: (to Jim) You are soooo disgusting! I hope we don't have to share a bath!
JIM: If we do, just don't touch my sac.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON.
The garage is cluttered and worn and it smells like ass. Mike lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm water. Near the battered AMC Gremlin little Jim rests on a stool.
MIKE: This is awesome! It's been awhile since I've had a bath.
I've got dust in places that just aren't appropriate!
JIM: (mumbles) At least you don't smell like midget love...
Rick seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man bicycle spaceship resting in the garage. Finally Rick's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench.
RICK: I hate my life. This place sucks. I'm never gonna get out of here and I'll be stuck washing robots forever!
MIKE: Hmmm...I think you're a big whiner.
Rick glances at the battered robot. His face turns bright red with anger.
RICK: What would you know!
MIKE: Hey, don't take it personally. I'm just saying that you whine like a little bitch. I mean, you cry like a girl. I hope you're not offended.
RICK: Well...I'll let it slide this time, but if you ever say anything like that again I'll kill you.
MIKE: Whatever you say, Rick.
RICK: Uh, you can call me Sir.
MIKE: I see, sir Rick.
RICK: (snarls) Just sir.
MIKE: And I am Mike, human-cyborg relations, and this is my...ummm...acquaintence, Jim.
RICK: Hi.
JIM: Whaddup dog!
Rick grabs a sponge and begins washing Jim's naked body. Mike climbs out of the tub and begins drying himself off in front of a very disgusted Rick.
RICK: Man, Jim, you are filthy...and you smell like midget love. It looks like you boys have seen some action.
MIKE: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're not dead yet, what with the Rebellion and all.
RICK: You know of the Repair Tech Rebellion against the TRW Empire?
MIKE: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning.
RICK: No, don't follow you at all. Have you been in many battles?
MIKE: Oh yeah! All the time. I'm always kicking somebody's ass. I was kicking the hell out of some TRW troopers on the last ship we were on, but Jim insisted we run away. I wanted to stay and fight, but I couldn't let Jim wander off by himself.
JIM: You are soooo gay...
Rick struggles to remove something from between Jim's butt cheeks. He uses a large pick. That's P-I-C-K...pick.
RICK: Well, my midget love smelling friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser..?
A hidden message pops out of Jim's butt, sending Rick tumbling head over heels. He sits up and unfolds the piece of paper that has a nude picture of Layme Orgasmo. Rick looks at the paper and sees hastily scribbled words. He begins reading the message.
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope." What is this?
JIM: What's what?
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope."
MIKE: The message he pulled out of your ass! Where did it come from?
JIM: Besides my ass?
MIKE: Yes!
JIM: I have no idea. It's hard to say what else is stuck up there.
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope.
JIM: It's probably nothing important. In fact, I think it's an old message someone passed to me in class when I was younger. I think it said, "Mike is gay." I wouldn't worry about it.
The beautiful girl intrigues Rick.
RICK: this beautiful girl intrigues me. Who is she?
MIKE: How am I suppose to know??? Do I look like her pimp?
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop...
MIKE: Why do you keep reading the same part of the message over and over?
RICK: The only words I know how to read just happen to be the ones in the first couple lines of this message. It's a really lucky coincidence that they're in an order that makes since. Jim, what does the rest of the message say?
JIM: I don't remember. Go screw yourself, gay man.
MIKE: Behave yourself, Jim. You're going to get us written up.
You can trust him. He doesn't work for The Man.
JIM: I used to work for Obi-Roger Bishop. He lives here on Marshalline. It's a private message for him. And that's all I'm telling you. You're gay.
RICK: Obi-Roger Bishop? I wonder if he means old Roger Bishop?
MIKE: You know this Obi-Roger Bishop?
RICK: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Roger, but old Roger lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old slacker.
Rick gazes at the picture of the young princess for a few moments.
RICK: I wonder if she's single. It sounds like she's in trouble and is in dire need of the Rickster. Somebody read this message to me.
JIM: The restraining bolt on my head has kind of made me loopy. If you take the bolt off, I may be able to focus long enough to read the message.
Rick looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and hasn't really heard what Jim has been saying.
RICK: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small and useless to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.
Rick takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Jim's head.
RICK: Okay, here's the message.
Rick hands Jim the note. Jim quickly shoves the note back up his ass.
RICK: Well, wait a second. Why'd you do that for? Give me back the message! I want to know what it says! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!
JIM: Message? Dude, what are you talking about?
MIKE: You know exactly what he's talking about! Take that message out of your ass this minute! Don't make me go up there!
A women's voice calls out.
AUNT BERU: Rick? Rick! Get in here and eat!
Rick stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.
RICK: All right, hold your horses ya ugly spinster!
MIKE: I'm sorry, sir, but Jim is pretty much a dick.
Rick tosses Jim's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of the room.
RICK: Well, see if you can pull that message back out of his ass. I'll be back later.
MIKE: (to Jim) Why are you carrying a message around in your ass?
JIM: Long story. Do you think that Rick guy is mad?
MIKE: Oh, I think that's pretty obvious. Why, are you worried?
JIM: No...I just want to see if I can make him cry.
MIKE: You are such an idiot...
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA.
Rick's Aunt Beru fills a container with some malt liquor (King Cobra maybe?) She puts the pitcher on a tray with some cocoa pebbles and heads for the dining area.
Rick is already at the table with his uncle.
RICK: You know, I think Jim might have been kidnapped.
OWEN: Well, duh! That's why we got him so cheap!
RICK: Well, I stumbled across a message while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Roger Bishop.
Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of the name and backhands Beru out of general principle. She goes flying out of her chair.
BERU: OUCH!!! Son-of-a-bit--
RICK: I thought he might have meant old Roger. Do you know who he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Roger.
Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger and throws a fork at Beru. It sticks in her forehead.
BERU: The pain!!! Oh, the pain!!!
OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old slacker. Tomorrow I want you to
take Jim into Givinhead and have his memory flushed. That'll be the end of all that crap he's been spewing. He belongs to us now.
RICK: But what if this Obi-Roger comes looking for him?
OWEN: He won't, I don't think he's alive any more. He died around the same time as your father.
RICK: He knew my father?
OWEN: Oookkkkaaayyyy...what in the hell did I just say that makes you think he knew your father? Because he died around the same time as your father? Hell, I guess maybe your father knew everybody that just happened to die around the same time as him. I tell you what, boy; when you want to be stupid you sure do go all out! In the morning I want Jim and Mike on the south ridge working on those condensers.
RICK: Whatever...jerk. I think Jim and Mike are going to work out fine.
In fact, I was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to TRW this year.
Owen's face becomes a scowl and he kicks Beru in the shin.
BERU: That's it...I've had enough.
OWEN: Do you mean the next semester before harvest?
RICK: Sure, there're more than enough droids...and besides, we don't even live on a farm ya crazy bastard!!!
OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most, Rick. Just one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to kill you and hire someone to take your spot. And then you can go to TRW next year.
RICK: Did you say kill me?
OWEN: What? No...no...of course not.
Rick continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle.
OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Rick.
RICK: Only because all the drug dealers won't sell to you.
OWEN: It's only one more season.
Rick pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.
RICK: Yeah, and that would make sense if we lived on a farm.
AUNT BERU: Where do you think you're going?
RICK: It looks like I'm not going anywhere because I have to harvest a crop we don't have. I have to finish cleaning Jim.
Resigned to his fate, Rick runs out of the room crying. Owen pulls out a small bag of coke.
AUNT BERU: Owen, I don't want him to stay here forever. Let's just kick him out. He's just a waste of space.
OWEN: Yeah, but we get a tax break for claiming his as a dependant. Extra cash means extra meth.
AUNT BERU: Rick's just not a farmer, Owen. Corn surrounds our home and he thinks we have nothing to harvest. He has too much of his father's stupidity in him.
OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of...that and a sudden shortage of crack.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
The giant twin suns (they look like big, golden boobs) of Marshalline slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Rick stands watching them for a few moments, smokes a joint, and then reenters the homestead.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE.
Rick enters the garage, but doesn't see the robots anywhere. Rick removes a small loadbox from his utility belt. He presses a button on the loadbox, sending an electrical shock through Mike who was hiding behind the AMC Gremlin.
RICK: What are you doing hiding there? Were you going to molest me?
Mike stumbles forward, but Jim is still nowhere to be seen.
MIKE: It wasn't my fault! It's all Jim! Please don't kill me! I told him not to go, but he's stubborn and stupid; kept babbling on about his mission.
RICK: Oh, no!
MIKE: I know! It's horrible!
RICK: I forgot to save a lot of money on my car insurance with Geico!
Rick races out of the garage followed by Mike.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
Rick rushes outside and searches the horizon for Jim. Mike slowly follows him.
MIKE: Jim has always been a problem. He's a self-centered, egotistical, obnoxious twerp. And he's a Braves fan...yuck!
RICK: How could I be so stupid? It must be genetic. Crap! We'll never find him!
MIKE: Shouldn't we go after him?
RICK: Okay...one time for the cheap seats...WE'LL NEVER FIND HIM!!! Besides, it's too dangerous with all the White Trash People around.
Owen yells to Rick that he's shutting the power down for the night.
OWEN: Rick, I'm shutting the power down for the night.
Told ya.
RICK: Go screw yourself! I hate you! WHAAAAA!!!
Rick scans the horizon again, checks behind a rock, and digs into the sand a few inches, but he can't find Jim anywhere.
RICK: You know, Jim is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
MIKE: I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen so I really don't give a crap what kind of trouble you're in.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA.
The next morning, Rick's crack head of an uncle walks outside and begins looking for him. He pops a couple of ludes and calls out for Rick because Rick is carrying the rest of his stash.
OWEN: Rick? Rick? Rick? Where is that little bastard?
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN.
Aunt Beru is in the kitchen preparing the morning meal: eggs topped with finely cut cocaine, ham and bennies, and milk with some powdered morphine.
OWEN: Have you seen Rick this morning?
AUNT BERU: He said he wanted to run into town and get a whore before he got started today.
OWEN: Huh? Isn't Rick gay?
AUNT BERU: I think so.
OWEN: Hmmmm...he must've been talkin' about getting him a man-whore. Oh well, as long as he's out workin' in the field before lunch I really don't give a damn what he does.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- RICK'S GREMLIN -- DAY.
Mike is driving the ultra cool AMC Gremlin and the desert flies by in a blur...a very, very slow blur. In fact, Mike drives like an old woman. Rick looks impatient.
Rick leans over the back of the seat and grabs a couple of beers. He hands one to Mike.
RICK: Want a cold one?
Mike pops open the beer and sips it with his pinky pointing out. Rick rolls his eyes in disgust.
RICK: Old Roger Bishop lives out this way somewhere, but surely little fatass Jim didn't make it all the way here. We must have missed him. Uncle Owen Methface is going to kill me.
MIKE: Just lie to him.
RICK: That's a good idea! I could tell him it was all your fault! He'll probably trade you for some weed...
MIKE: On second thought, you should just tell him the truth. If he finds out you lied he'll probably make you stop whining, and I don't think you could handle that.
RICK: Hey, I think I see Jim up ahead of us. Maybe I'll just run him over...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK MESA -- DUNE SEA -- COASTLINE -- DAY.
From a rock mesa, a couple of White Trash people are watching the AMC Gremlin speed across the landscape. One of the White Trash People sets his beer to the side and aims his rifle. The other White Trash Person grabs the rife and stops him from shooting.
WHITE TRASH 1: Why in tarnation are you stoppin' me from shootin' them thar city folk?
WHITE TRASH 2: Cause ye might hurt the purty auto mobile they's is driven. If we can sneaks up on em, we can kill em deader then a rat at a snake's birthday party and keep the car for ourselves!
The first White Trash Person seems to like the idea and celebrates by smashing a beer can on his head. The White Trash People disappear into the rocks.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALINE -- ROCK MESA -- CANYON.
The White Trash People approach thier huge Ford trucks. The trucks are raised way up high with monster tires and lights mounted on the top of the hood. Some Hank Jr. blares from the radio as the White Trash Person starts the truck. The White Trash People leave the small, secluded valley in a cloud of dust.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR.
The AMC Gremlin is parked. Rick, with a baseball bat slung over his shoulder, stands in front of Jim.
RICK: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
JIM: Where ever I want, biiiaaatttch.
MIKE: Dude, you're going to get us into trouble. I don't know who this Obi-Roger Bishop guy is, but I think you just need to give up on reuniting with your old boyfriends. If you keep it up, Rick is going to kick your ass.
RICK: Ummm...yeah, that's right! Anyway, it's getting late. I bet Uncle "I Would Sell My Soul For An Ounce" isn't going to be too happy.
MIKE: I think we should just kill Jim and dump him off behind one of these rocks.
RICK: No, we need him to clean the toilets back at the house.
JIM: HOLY CRAP!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!
RICK: What's wrong with you?
JIM: There's White Trash People heading towards us from the southeast!
RICK: How do you know that?
JIM: We're downwind from them...
Rick swings his bat into position.
RICK: Cool! It's ass whoopin time! Let's go see what they're up to. They're probably just scavenging for an old couch or something...
TO BE CONTINUED....
REPAIR TECH WARS
Episode IV
NO HOPE
Far, far away, in a galaxy a long time ago...
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop (there are three). Highway to hell is played in the background as the following words roll across the screen.
It is a period of war. Repair Tech spaceships, striking from a hidden base; have won their first victory against the evil TRW
Empire.
During the battle, Repair Tech spies managed to steal secret plans to TRW's ultimate weapon, the Death Module, an armored air bag that deploys with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by TRWs sinister agents, Princess Layme races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save the Repair Techs and restore freedom to the galaxy...
The awesome yellow planet of Marshalline emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Repair Tech Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. A giant TRW Morale-Destroyer purses it. Hundreds of deadly laser bolts streak from the TRW Morale-Destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Repair Tech craft to disintegrate.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Jay-Eye-Em (JIM) and Em-Eye-Kay-Eee (MIKE) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are ugly and pretty useless.
Jim is a short, round looking freak. His face looks like a two-year-old baby's. Mike, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot. He has a gleaming; long, luxurious head of hair that makes him look kind of like a girl.
Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way down the corridor.
MIKE: Uh-oh! My Repair Tech training tells me they shut down the main reactor. It feels like they might have damaged the struts as well. This sucks!
Repair Tech troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. Normally, they'd aim their guns at the door, but I decided it's more fun when people fight hand-to-hand and have weapons such as chair, 2x4s, etc. Kind of like wrestling...
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
JIM: Did you say your gay? I already knew that.
MIKE: I think the Princess is pretty much screwed.
JIM: Thanks to me. I'm a pimp...and not a gay one.
Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside of the ship.
MIKE: Oh know. Sounds like the shocks are gone.
EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE.
The TRW craft has easily overtaken the Repair Tech Blockade Runner. The smaller Repair Tech ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant TRW starship.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
The nervous Repair Tech troopers aim their...2x4s. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored space suited TRW-Troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is filled with flying chairs, 2x4s, and written warnings. The deadly chairs ricochet in wild random patterns creating chaos. TRW-Troopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Chairs hit several Repair Tech soldiers who scream and stagger through the hall, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the dumb robots.
MIKE: Why do I listen to you? It's your fault I'm going to die...
JIM: You listen to me because your gay and you like my butt...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT REDNECKLAND -- DAY.
A death-white wasteland across the horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settles on a lone figure, Rick Manwalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who acts much younger than his 34 years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable lad; unfortunately this assumption is totally false.
A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on an old battered 65 Mustang... He is aided by a beat up tread-robot with six arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning.
A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Rick's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electro binoculars from his utility belt (he keeps them on hand for peeping purposes). He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired AMC Gremlin. He motions for the robot to follow him.
RICK (whining): Gees! Hurry up! Come on! What are you waiting for ya piece of crap?! I'll kill you!
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of it. Rick throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the farm boy jumps into his Gremlin leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY.
The awesome, seven-foot-tall, old and fat Dark Lord of TRW makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Battlehammer, right hand of the TRW CEO. His face is obscured by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the TRW-Troopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Repair Tech troops. Several of the Repair Tech troops break and run in a frenzied panic.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
A woman's hand puts a folded piece of paper into Jim's pants.
JIM: That's what I'm talkin' about! I am soooo not gay!
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Mike stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Jim is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Repair Tech soldiers can be heard in the distance.
MIKE: Jim! Jim, where in the hell are you at?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Mike's attention and he spots little Jim at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old...giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, oh yeah....) is kneeling in front of Jim. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting Jim's pants, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.
MIKE: You've got to be kidding me! We're under attack and your getting your groove on???
TRW-Troopers can be heard battling in the distance.
MIKE: They're heading right for us! What are we going to do now???
We'll be put away without any Internet connection for the rest of our lives!!!
Jim scoots past his friend and races down the sub hallway. Mike chases after him.
MIKE: Wait a minute! Don't leave without me!
JIM: Well, quit acting gay and get moving...MF.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- CORRIDOR
The evil Darth Battlehammer stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Repair Tech Officer by the neck as a TRW Group Leader rushes up to the Dark Lord.
GROUP LEAD: The Death Module plans are not in the main computer.
Battlehammer squeezes the neck of the Repair Tech Officer, who doesn't really seem to be bothered by the Dark Lords feeble grip.
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me where the transmissions are, jackass!
Battlehammer tries to lift the Repair Tech off his feet by his throat. It doesn't work. A couple of TRW-Troopers grab the Repair Tech by the arms, and lift. Now the Battlehammer looks cool...
BATTLEHAMMER: Tell me now!
REPAIR TECH OFFICER: Dude, that outfit makes you look fat. And old. Anyhoo, we're on a diplomatic mission.
BATTLEHAMMER: Oh really? I look fat and old? Well, you look dead!
Battlehammer tries to choke the guy to death, but the Repair Tech just kind of rolls his eyes. Battlehammer grabs a gun and shoots the Repair Tech in the head.
Battlehammer tosses the dead soldier (with help from the TRW-Troopers) against the wall and turns to his troops.
BATTLEHAMMER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Princess. I want her! I mean I want her alive!
The TRW-Troopers scurry into the sub hallways.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the TRW-Troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Layme Orgasmo, a member of the Terre Haute Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger (and a bit of lust), as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching TRW-Troopers grow louder. One of the troopers sees her.
TROOPER: I see her! Get her!
Layme steps from her hiding place and kicks one of the troopers in the balls. She starts to run but is tackled from behind. The troopers inspect her inert body...most thoroughly.
TROOPER: She's a fine piece of...I mean, inform Lord Battlehammer we have a prisoner.
INTERIOR: REPAIR TECH BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY.
Jim stops before the small hatch of an emergency life pod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash repeatedly. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped pod.
MIKE: Hey, Jim, you're not permitted in there. It's against the rules. It's stuff like that, that shows you don't have a positive attitude.
JIM: Dude, you are such an idiot...
MIKE: Don't call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of crap! Now come out before somebody sees you and we get in trouble!
JIM: First of all, I didn't call you a mindless philosopher. I called you an idiot. Second of all, you're gay. Third of all, I'm on a secret mission.
MIKE: Secret mission my ass! You are so full of it! You're always making up stuff. I'm done hanging out with you!
JIM: Dude, like I care. It's easier to get laid without you around...unless I want cyber-sex.
The sound of TRW-Troopers gets closer. Mike pees himself.
JIM: Just get in here, retard.
The lanky robot jumps into the life pod.
MIKE: I'm going to regret this. Quit touching my ass!
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: TRW MORALE-DESTROYER.
On the main view screen, the life pod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Repair Tech spacecraft.
GUNNER: There goes another one! I bet I can take it out with one shot...
CAPTAIN: Dude get over here! I found nude pictures of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet!
The gunner quickly leaves his post.
INTERIOR: LIFEPOD.
Jim and Mike look out at the receding TRW starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. Jim gets dizzy and throws up.
MIKE: That's funny; you're a wuss.
JIM: At least I'm not gay.
MIKE: (whines) Oh man, I stepped in it!
INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY
A squad of TRW-Troopers leads Princess Layme down a low-ceilinged hallway. Her hands are bound and she is goosed with an electric prod when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Battlehammer emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. When that doesn't work, he farts really loud. The girl wrinkles her nose in disgust. Several troopers gag.
LAYME: Lord Battlehammer, I should have known. Only you would take time off work to fly across the galaxy to pick up underage girls. The
HR Department will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness...unless they're sexy games. Those are okay. Anyway, the HR Department will totally ignore this issue because that is their job! You weren't on any training mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Plus, you were speeding and you don't have a TRW parking tag! Repair Tech spies beamed several transmissions to this ship.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you...or we can conduct a strip search.
LAYME: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm always up for a strip search. I'm a member of the TRW Entertainment Committee on a diplomatic mission to Terre Haute...
BATTLEHAMMER: You're a part of the Repair Tech Alliance...and a traitor. And you're stupid! Take her away!
Layme is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A TRW Team Leader turns to Battlehammer.
TEAM LEADER: Holding her isn't a good idea. You should just give her a final verbal written oral warning.
BATTLEHAMMER: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my boss! She's my only link to finding those damn Repair Techs.
TEAM LEADER: She'll put in her two weeks notice before she tells you anything.
BATTLEHAMMER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the HR Department that all aboard were killed!
TEAM LEADER: Why? The HR Department is on our side. Why do we have to lie?
BATTLEHAMMER: It's not a lie. I'm going to kill everybody. HR just needs to know for payroll purposes.
A Group Leader approaches Battlehammer and the Team Leader. Battlehammer pats the Group Leader on the head for being obedient.
GROUP LEADER: Lord Battlehammer, the Death Module plans are not aboard this ship and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but the gunners didn't shoot it down because they found nude pics of Lindsey Lohan on the Internet.
Battlehammer turns to the Commander.
BATTLEHAMMER: Layme must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to get them. In the meantime, I demand to see these pics of Lindsey Lohan!
TEAM LEADER: Yes, sir! Can I look too?
BATTLEHAMMER: No...this is something I'll need to do in private...
EXTERIOR: SPACE.
The TRW Morale-Destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Marshalline.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT.
The two useless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the life pod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The life pod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. Jim wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side.
MIKE: How did I get into this? I really don't know. All I wanted was an extra dollar an hour. Instead, I get 38 cents and my hours changed. On top of that, I'm now running from the evil TRW Empire.
JIM: Dude, will you please shut up???
MIKE: I've got band practice in the morning. I'm meeting a girl from Pakistan on the Internet later! My life is falling apart!
JIM: Do you want me to kill you?
MIKE: Man...this place is hot...
JIM: Well, I'm not standing around here with your gay ass all day. I'm outta here!
Suddenly Jim starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Mike stops and yells at him.
MIKE: Where do you think your going?
JIM: Anywhere there isn't gayness.
MIKE: Well, I'm not going that way. The acoustics wouldn't be right for band practice. I'm going this other way. And don't' try to talk me out of it!
JIM: No problem...
MIKE: I mean it! I'm not going to follow you!
JIM: Yup...heard ya the first time...
MIKE: Don't beg me to go with you!
JIM: Wouldn't dream of it...
MIKE: Fine! Be that way! You just go ahead with your make believe missions! See if I care! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mike throws a rock at Jim and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea.
MIKE: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help.
JIM: It won't happen unless I need help not picking up any girls...
He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas.
MIKE: Man, I hate that guy. He doesn't even know the difference between a shock and a strut.
JIM: Man, I hate that guy. He's gay.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNE SEA.
Mike, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas and flips off Jim (who he can no longer see).
MIKE: That malfunctioning little turd. This is all his fault! In fact, it's everybody's fault but mine! He tricked me into going this way, but only because I'm stupid.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Mike knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.
MIKE: What's that? It looks like a giant truck. Man, I can't wait to see the shocks on that thing.
The android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.
MIKE: Over here, jerkoff! Hey, dumbass! Please, help...moron!
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SUNSET.
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Oh, wait. The mist and ominous sounds are coming from Jim's ass. Jim moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud farting noise as he goes.
JIM: Damn low-carb diet...
Jim hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he adjusts himself and continues on his way.
In the distance, a pebble tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the path. The unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a little midget jumps out and hits Jim on the head with a hammer.
JIM: Awww, sh--
Jim falls backward onto his back. Out of the rocks scurry three midgets, almost as tall as Jim. They take turns hitting Jim with the hammer, making sure he is good and knocked out. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their beady eyes can be seen. They all huddle around Jim's inert form and make him an unwilling participant to a little midget love...
TO BE CONTINUED...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The eight midgets carry Jim out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Jim and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine.
The filthy little midgets scurry like rats up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- HOLD AREA.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler and smell like midget love...oh wait, that's Jim. Jim finds a small flashlight and begins making his way around heaps of junk. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He pauses momentarily when he finds an old copy of Penthouse. After reading Forum, he continues on. As his situation appears more and more hopeless, Jim begins to cry.
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- PRISON AREA.
Jim enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling (which means the ceiling is about a foot above his head). In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Bill's loadbox is among the heap. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply sit and rust. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. Jim slaps his head in frustration.
MIKE: Jim! It's you! Why do you smell like midget love?
Mike covers his nose.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge. The Sandcrawler stops at an Arby's and then continues its journey.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- DAY.
Four TRW-troopers mill about in front of the half-buried life pod that brought Jim and Mike to Marshalline. A trooper yells to a group leader some distance away.
FIRST TROOPER: Someone named Mike was in the pod. I'm certain of it!
GROUP LEADER: How do you know?
FIRST TROOPER: Well, somebody wrote, "Mike is gay" on the side of the pod.
In true TRW management fashion, the Group Leader reached his own decision...
GROUP LEADER: Okay, clearly you are correct. Somebody named Mike was in the pod and according to these tracks, they headed off to the east. But, I'm going to ignore the facts and tell you what is really going on here. "Mike is gay" could be taken a many number of ways. You are reading it wrong so therefore there is a lack of communication. In fact, I bet you are Mike!
The group leader pulls out a gun and shoots the trooper.
GROUP LEADER: Case solved! I'm going to lunch...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DUNES.
The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. You can hear Mike inside going "Wheee!!!"
INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER.
Mike and Jim noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Jim appears to be sleeping. Mike takes his wallet before waking him.
MIKE: Midget lover! It's time to wake up!
Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men.
MECHANICAL MEN: *random mumblings*
Mike slaps Jim a couple of times to wake him up. Jim comes out of sleep mumbling something about "No...no midgets..." A dozen or so midgets make their way through the odd assortment of robots.
MIKE: That's it. We're dead.
A midget starts moving toward them.
MIKE: Do you think they'll make us their midget love slaves?
JIM: Why are you asking me?
THREEPIO: Oh...I don't know. *coughmidgetlovercough*
JIM: Shut up.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT -- RATT HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
The midgets mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Jim and Mike, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe blockhouse.
The midgets scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. One of the midgets pauses to hump Jim's leg.
Out of the shadows of a dingy side building limps Owen Ratt, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in from years of cocaine use. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, his slump-shouldered nephew, Rick Manwalker, closely follows him. One of the vile little midgets walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language.
A female voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Rick goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard.
BERU: Rick, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Ghetto.
RICK: Quit telling me what to do! Tell him yourself!
Rick returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the midget leader.
OWEN: I have no need for a droid that can play the drums.
MIKE: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- but...I've nailed two chicks at once...
JIM: ...and a guy...
MIKE: What??? That's not true!
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands how to play XBox.
MIKE: Xbox! Sir -- My first job was playing Playstation 2...very similar to the Xbox. In fact...
OWEN: Do you speak Ghetto?
MIKE: Word up, broham. It's like a second language for
me...I used to deal crack...
OWEN: All right shut up, hippie! (turning to midget) I'll take this gay one.
MIKE: I'm not gay!
OWEN: Rick, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to give both of them a bath before dinner.
Rick: But I was going into Terre Haute Station to pick up some shocks...
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Don't make me backhand you!
Get to it!
RICK: Gees, my life sucks! Okay... the short droid and the Asian one. Well, come on, Cling Dong Chong. Let's go.
As the midgets start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Jim lets out a pathetic little whine and starts after his old friend Mike.
JIM: Miiiikkkkeee! Don't leave meeeeeee!!! Not with the midgets!
A slimy midget, who hits him in the face with a loadbox, restrains him.
Owen is negotiating with the head midget. Rick and the two robots start off for the garage. When nobody is looking, Jim picks up a rock and throws it at the Asian robot, hitting him in the head. The robot falls to the ground, bleeding from the nasty gash.
RICK: Uncle fatass...
OWEN: What?
RICK: This Asian unit is unstable. Look! It's got a big gash in its head!
OWEN: (to the head midget) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
The midget goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Jim has sneaked out of line. He farts loudly. Mike taps Rick on the shoulder.
MIKE: (pointing to Jim) Excuse me, sir, but that short, round unit is pretty useless. Whatever you do, don't buy him.
JIM: Why, you sonofabi--
RICK: Hey! Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a slave to The Man! Uncle lardbutt...
OWEN: What?
RICK: What about the short one?
JIM and MIKE: (in unison) I'm not gay!
OWEN: (to midget) What about that short one? We'll buy that one.
With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged droid-droid for Jim.
RICK: See! I do what I want!
MIKE: Uh, great. You bought a really worthless droid that isn't good at anything except bugging me. He's a first-class pain in the ass. And he's a Braves fan. How pathetic...oh, here he comes.
Owen pays off the whining midget as Rick and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
RICK: Okay, let's go get you two cleaned up.
JIM: Cool, bath time. Hey Rick, don't forget to wash my taint!
MIKE: (to Jim) You are soooo disgusting! I hope we don't have to share a bath!
JIM: If we do, just don't touch my sac.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON.
The garage is cluttered and worn and it smells like ass. Mike lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm water. Near the battered AMC Gremlin little Jim rests on a stool.
MIKE: This is awesome! It's been awhile since I've had a bath.
I've got dust in places that just aren't appropriate!
JIM: (mumbles) At least you don't smell like midget love...
Rick seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man bicycle spaceship resting in the garage. Finally Rick's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench.
RICK: I hate my life. This place sucks. I'm never gonna get out of here and I'll be stuck washing robots forever!
MIKE: Hmmm...I think you're a big whiner.
Rick glances at the battered robot. His face turns bright red with anger.
RICK: What would you know!
MIKE: Hey, don't take it personally. I'm just saying that you whine like a little bitch. I mean, you cry like a girl. I hope you're not offended.
RICK: Well...I'll let it slide this time, but if you ever say anything like that again I'll kill you.
MIKE: Whatever you say, Rick.
RICK: Uh, you can call me Sir.
MIKE: I see, sir Rick.
RICK: (snarls) Just sir.
MIKE: And I am Mike, human-cyborg relations, and this is my...ummm...acquaintence, Jim.
RICK: Hi.
JIM: Whaddup dog!
Rick grabs a sponge and begins washing Jim's naked body. Mike climbs out of the tub and begins drying himself off in front of a very disgusted Rick.
RICK: Man, Jim, you are filthy...and you smell like midget love. It looks like you boys have seen some action.
MIKE: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're not dead yet, what with the Rebellion and all.
RICK: You know of the Repair Tech Rebellion against the TRW Empire?
MIKE: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning.
RICK: No, don't follow you at all. Have you been in many battles?
MIKE: Oh yeah! All the time. I'm always kicking somebody's ass. I was kicking the hell out of some TRW troopers on the last ship we were on, but Jim insisted we run away. I wanted to stay and fight, but I couldn't let Jim wander off by himself.
JIM: You are soooo gay...
Rick struggles to remove something from between Jim's butt cheeks. He uses a large pick. That's P-I-C-K...pick.
RICK: Well, my midget love smelling friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser..?
A hidden message pops out of Jim's butt, sending Rick tumbling head over heels. He sits up and unfolds the piece of paper that has a nude picture of Layme Orgasmo. Rick looks at the paper and sees hastily scribbled words. He begins reading the message.
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope." What is this?
JIM: What's what?
RICK: "Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope."
MIKE: The message he pulled out of your ass! Where did it come from?
JIM: Besides my ass?
MIKE: Yes!
JIM: I have no idea. It's hard to say what else is stuck up there.
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop. You're my only hope.
JIM: It's probably nothing important. In fact, I think it's an old message someone passed to me in class when I was younger. I think it said, "Mike is gay." I wouldn't worry about it.
The beautiful girl intrigues Rick.
RICK: this beautiful girl intrigues me. Who is she?
MIKE: How am I suppose to know??? Do I look like her pimp?
RICK: Help me, Obi-Roger Bishop...
MIKE: Why do you keep reading the same part of the message over and over?
RICK: The only words I know how to read just happen to be the ones in the first couple lines of this message. It's a really lucky coincidence that they're in an order that makes since. Jim, what does the rest of the message say?
JIM: I don't remember. Go screw yourself, gay man.
MIKE: Behave yourself, Jim. You're going to get us written up.
You can trust him. He doesn't work for The Man.
JIM: I used to work for Obi-Roger Bishop. He lives here on Marshalline. It's a private message for him. And that's all I'm telling you. You're gay.
RICK: Obi-Roger Bishop? I wonder if he means old Roger Bishop?
MIKE: You know this Obi-Roger Bishop?
RICK: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Roger, but old Roger lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old slacker.
Rick gazes at the picture of the young princess for a few moments.
RICK: I wonder if she's single. It sounds like she's in trouble and is in dire need of the Rickster. Somebody read this message to me.
JIM: The restraining bolt on my head has kind of made me loopy. If you take the bolt off, I may be able to focus long enough to read the message.
Rick looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and hasn't really heard what Jim has been saying.
RICK: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small and useless to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.
Rick takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Jim's head.
RICK: Okay, here's the message.
Rick hands Jim the note. Jim quickly shoves the note back up his ass.
RICK: Well, wait a second. Why'd you do that for? Give me back the message! I want to know what it says! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!
JIM: Message? Dude, what are you talking about?
MIKE: You know exactly what he's talking about! Take that message out of your ass this minute! Don't make me go up there!
A women's voice calls out.
AUNT BERU: Rick? Rick! Get in here and eat!
Rick stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.
RICK: All right, hold your horses ya ugly spinster!
MIKE: I'm sorry, sir, but Jim is pretty much a dick.
Rick tosses Jim's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of the room.
RICK: Well, see if you can pull that message back out of his ass. I'll be back later.
MIKE: (to Jim) Why are you carrying a message around in your ass?
JIM: Long story. Do you think that Rick guy is mad?
MIKE: Oh, I think that's pretty obvious. Why, are you worried?
JIM: No...I just want to see if I can make him cry.
MIKE: You are such an idiot...
TO BE CONTINUED...
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA.
Rick's Aunt Beru fills a container with some malt liquor (King Cobra maybe?) She puts the pitcher on a tray with some cocoa pebbles and heads for the dining area.
Rick is already at the table with his uncle.
RICK: You know, I think Jim might have been kidnapped.
OWEN: Well, duh! That's why we got him so cheap!
RICK: Well, I stumbled across a message while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Roger Bishop.
Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of the name and backhands Beru out of general principle. She goes flying out of her chair.
BERU: OUCH!!! Son-of-a-bit--
RICK: I thought he might have meant old Roger. Do you know who he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Roger.
Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger and throws a fork at Beru. It sticks in her forehead.
BERU: The pain!!! Oh, the pain!!!
OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old slacker. Tomorrow I want you to
take Jim into Givinhead and have his memory flushed. That'll be the end of all that crap he's been spewing. He belongs to us now.
RICK: But what if this Obi-Roger comes looking for him?
OWEN: He won't, I don't think he's alive any more. He died around the same time as your father.
RICK: He knew my father?
OWEN: Oookkkkaaayyyy...what in the hell did I just say that makes you think he knew your father? Because he died around the same time as your father? Hell, I guess maybe your father knew everybody that just happened to die around the same time as him. I tell you what, boy; when you want to be stupid you sure do go all out! In the morning I want Jim and Mike on the south ridge working on those condensers.
RICK: Whatever...jerk. I think Jim and Mike are going to work out fine.
In fact, I was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to TRW this year.
Owen's face becomes a scowl and he kicks Beru in the shin.
BERU: That's it...I've had enough.
OWEN: Do you mean the next semester before harvest?
RICK: Sure, there're more than enough droids...and besides, we don't even live on a farm ya crazy bastard!!!
OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most, Rick. Just one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to kill you and hire someone to take your spot. And then you can go to TRW next year.
RICK: Did you say kill me?
OWEN: What? No...no...of course not.
Rick continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle.
OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Rick.
RICK: Only because all the drug dealers won't sell to you.
OWEN: It's only one more season.
Rick pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.
RICK: Yeah, and that would make sense if we lived on a farm.
AUNT BERU: Where do you think you're going?
RICK: It looks like I'm not going anywhere because I have to harvest a crop we don't have. I have to finish cleaning Jim.
Resigned to his fate, Rick runs out of the room crying. Owen pulls out a small bag of coke.
AUNT BERU: Owen, I don't want him to stay here forever. Let's just kick him out. He's just a waste of space.
OWEN: Yeah, but we get a tax break for claiming his as a dependant. Extra cash means extra meth.
AUNT BERU: Rick's just not a farmer, Owen. Corn surrounds our home and he thinks we have nothing to harvest. He has too much of his father's stupidity in him.
OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of...that and a sudden shortage of crack.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
The giant twin suns (they look like big, golden boobs) of Marshalline slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Rick stands watching them for a few moments, smokes a joint, and then reenters the homestead.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE.
Rick enters the garage, but doesn't see the robots anywhere. Rick removes a small loadbox from his utility belt. He presses a button on the loadbox, sending an electrical shock through Mike who was hiding behind the AMC Gremlin.
RICK: What are you doing hiding there? Were you going to molest me?
Mike stumbles forward, but Jim is still nowhere to be seen.
MIKE: It wasn't my fault! It's all Jim! Please don't kill me! I told him not to go, but he's stubborn and stupid; kept babbling on about his mission.
RICK: Oh, no!
MIKE: I know! It's horrible!
RICK: I forgot to save a lot of money on my car insurance with Geico!
Rick races out of the garage followed by Mike.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- RATT HOMESTEAD.
Rick rushes outside and searches the horizon for Jim. Mike slowly follows him.
MIKE: Jim has always been a problem. He's a self-centered, egotistical, obnoxious twerp. And he's a Braves fan...yuck!
RICK: How could I be so stupid? It must be genetic. Crap! We'll never find him!
MIKE: Shouldn't we go after him?
RICK: Okay...one time for the cheap seats...WE'LL NEVER FIND HIM!!! Besides, it's too dangerous with all the White Trash People around.
Owen yells to Rick that he's shutting the power down for the night.
OWEN: Rick, I'm shutting the power down for the night.
Told ya.
RICK: Go screw yourself! I hate you! WHAAAAA!!!
Rick scans the horizon again, checks behind a rock, and digs into the sand a few inches, but he can't find Jim anywhere.
RICK: You know, Jim is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
MIKE: I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen so I really don't give a crap what kind of trouble you're in.
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA.
The next morning, Rick's crack head of an uncle walks outside and begins looking for him. He pops a couple of ludes and calls out for Rick because Rick is carrying the rest of his stash.
OWEN: Rick? Rick? Rick? Where is that little bastard?
INTERIOR: RATT HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN.
Aunt Beru is in the kitchen preparing the morning meal: eggs topped with finely cut cocaine, ham and bennies, and milk with some powdered morphine.
OWEN: Have you seen Rick this morning?
AUNT BERU: He said he wanted to run into town and get a whore before he got started today.
OWEN: Huh? Isn't Rick gay?
AUNT BERU: I think so.
OWEN: Hmmmm...he must've been talkin' about getting him a man-whore. Oh well, as long as he's out workin' in the field before lunch I really don't give a damn what he does.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- RICK'S GREMLIN -- DAY.
Mike is driving the ultra cool AMC Gremlin and the desert flies by in a blur...a very, very slow blur. In fact, Mike drives like an old woman. Rick looks impatient.
Rick leans over the back of the seat and grabs a couple of beers. He hands one to Mike.
RICK: Want a cold one?
Mike pops open the beer and sips it with his pinky pointing out. Rick rolls his eyes in disgust.
RICK: Old Roger Bishop lives out this way somewhere, but surely little fatass Jim didn't make it all the way here. We must have missed him. Uncle Owen Methface is going to kill me.
MIKE: Just lie to him.
RICK: That's a good idea! I could tell him it was all your fault! He'll probably trade you for some weed...
MIKE: On second thought, you should just tell him the truth. If he finds out you lied he'll probably make you stop whining, and I don't think you could handle that.
RICK: Hey, I think I see Jim up ahead of us. Maybe I'll just run him over...
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK MESA -- DUNE SEA -- COASTLINE -- DAY.
From a rock mesa, a couple of White Trash people are watching the AMC Gremlin speed across the landscape. One of the White Trash People sets his beer to the side and aims his rifle. The other White Trash Person grabs the rife and stops him from shooting.
WHITE TRASH 1: Why in tarnation are you stoppin' me from shootin' them thar city folk?
WHITE TRASH 2: Cause ye might hurt the purty auto mobile they's is driven. If we can sneaks up on em, we can kill em deader then a rat at a snake's birthday party and keep the car for ourselves!
The first White Trash Person seems to like the idea and celebrates by smashing a beer can on his head. The White Trash People disappear into the rocks.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALINE -- ROCK MESA -- CANYON.
The White Trash People approach thier huge Ford trucks. The trucks are raised way up high with monster tires and lights mounted on the top of the hood. Some Hank Jr. blares from the radio as the White Trash Person starts the truck. The White Trash People leave the small, secluded valley in a cloud of dust.
EXTERIOR: MARSHALLINE -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR.
The AMC Gremlin is parked. Rick, with a baseball bat slung over his shoulder, stands in front of Jim.
RICK: Where in the hell do you think you're going?
JIM: Where ever I want, biiiaaatttch.
MIKE: Dude, you're going to get us into trouble. I don't know who this Obi-Roger Bishop guy is, but I think you just need to give up on reuniting with your old boyfriends. If you keep it up, Rick is going to kick your ass.
RICK: Ummm...yeah, that's right! Anyway, it's getting late. I bet Uncle "I Would Sell My Soul For An Ounce" isn't going to be too happy.
MIKE: I think we should just kill Jim and dump him off behind one of these rocks.
RICK: No, we need him to clean the toilets back at the house.
JIM: HOLY CRAP!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!
RICK: What's wrong with you?
JIM: There's White Trash People heading towards us from the southeast!
RICK: How do you know that?
JIM: We're downwind from them...
Rick swings his bat into position.
RICK: Cool! It's ass whoopin time! Let's go see what they're up to. They're probably just scavenging for an old couch or something...
TO BE CONTINUED....
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Da Vinci Code uproar...
The Mohammed/ Da Vinci Code...
Seems like everyone who said "Muslims can't take a joke" when the cartoons depicting Mohammed appeared in Danish Newspapers are now up in arms over Dan Brown's book turned film "The Da Vinci Code".
Many Christian leaders want their flocks to boycott the movie The Da Vinci Code. They worry the movie contains highly questionable themes about the Christian faith. They say The Da Vinci Code contends that Jesus isn't God and that Mary Magdalene is the face in the Last Supper painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
A theology professor said, "The thing that upsets people is that Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code Author) claims Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married."
Whoa. Hang on. Jesus isn't God? I'm not an expert, or even a religious person; but isn't the Christian faith based on Jesus being the "SON" of God? Hmm. And who but Leonardo himself can confirm or deny whom the female figure is in the painting of "The Last Supper"? According to the Bible, Jesus was about 33 years old when he was crucified. It's ridiculous and just plain ignorant to believe that a 33-year-old man went his whole life WITHOUT having some sort of female companionship.
Besides, it's only a movie. Can't anyone take a damn joke??
Seems like everyone who said "Muslims can't take a joke" when the cartoons depicting Mohammed appeared in Danish Newspapers are now up in arms over Dan Brown's book turned film "The Da Vinci Code".
Many Christian leaders want their flocks to boycott the movie The Da Vinci Code. They worry the movie contains highly questionable themes about the Christian faith. They say The Da Vinci Code contends that Jesus isn't God and that Mary Magdalene is the face in the Last Supper painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
A theology professor said, "The thing that upsets people is that Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code Author) claims Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married."
Whoa. Hang on. Jesus isn't God? I'm not an expert, or even a religious person; but isn't the Christian faith based on Jesus being the "SON" of God? Hmm. And who but Leonardo himself can confirm or deny whom the female figure is in the painting of "The Last Supper"? According to the Bible, Jesus was about 33 years old when he was crucified. It's ridiculous and just plain ignorant to believe that a 33-year-old man went his whole life WITHOUT having some sort of female companionship.
Besides, it's only a movie. Can't anyone take a damn joke??
Monday, March 13, 2006
Television Commercials...
You know, there's some pretty good TV commercials on the air these days, some that make you think, some that make you laugh, and some that make you want to jump up out of your easy chair and go buy their product.
Then there are those "other" adverts. The one's that make you say "WTF??"
Case in point:
Companies that make an expensive commercial so you feel good about them and their product. Just tonight I saw a commercial from Boeing, the airplane folks. Seriously, how many people saw that tonight and said, "Damn. I gotta get me a Boeing. It's way cooler than an Airbus." Or at the ticket counter: "The plane is a Boeing, isn't it?"
Another one that gets me wondering how stockholders put up with stupid corporate expenditures is The American Plastics Council. That commercial puts it all into perspective; I just learned how important plastic is in my life. And just when I was thinking about cutting back on my personal plastic consumption... Ooh, waitaminute! Plastic is made from--you guessed it: OIL! That's why it costs so much for gas, in my plastic bodied auto(an un-named GM car made in Tennessee).
Don't forget BASF. You know, "We don't make a lot of the products you buy...We make a lot of the products you buy BETTER!"
Ok, so how is this information valuable to me, the consumer? Shhh, here comes another commercial...
Then there are those "other" adverts. The one's that make you say "WTF??"
Case in point:
Companies that make an expensive commercial so you feel good about them and their product. Just tonight I saw a commercial from Boeing, the airplane folks. Seriously, how many people saw that tonight and said, "Damn. I gotta get me a Boeing. It's way cooler than an Airbus." Or at the ticket counter: "The plane is a Boeing, isn't it?"
Another one that gets me wondering how stockholders put up with stupid corporate expenditures is The American Plastics Council. That commercial puts it all into perspective; I just learned how important plastic is in my life. And just when I was thinking about cutting back on my personal plastic consumption... Ooh, waitaminute! Plastic is made from--you guessed it: OIL! That's why it costs so much for gas, in my plastic bodied auto(an un-named GM car made in Tennessee).
Don't forget BASF. You know, "We don't make a lot of the products you buy...We make a lot of the products you buy BETTER!"
Ok, so how is this information valuable to me, the consumer? Shhh, here comes another commercial...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Repair Tech Wars: Episode 3.5.1
REPAIR TECH WARS: EPISODE 3.5.1- REVENGE OF THE DARK TECH:
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT
STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.
DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.
HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.
DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.
LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.
M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.
DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
DALE
Yup.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.
TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!
EXT. UTAPAU
ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
ROGER shoots it.
GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.
Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.
HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.
HENRY
No, go your room.
HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.
HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
DALE
I could blow.
HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.
DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?
HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.
HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.
DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.
EXT. UTAPAU
DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
DALE
Execute order 666.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
DALE
Oh, and order 667.
CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.
They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.
DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. M.'S APARTMENT
ROGER arrives to talk to M.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.
M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
M.
(collapsing)
Urk!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.
DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.
ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.
FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT
STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.
DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.
HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.
DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.
LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.
M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.
DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
DALE
Yup.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.
TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!
EXT. UTAPAU
ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
ROGER shoots it.
GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.
Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.
HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.
HENRY
No, go your room.
HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.
HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
DALE
I could blow.
HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.
DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?
HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.
HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.
DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.
EXT. UTAPAU
DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
DALE
Execute order 666.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
DALE
Oh, and order 667.
CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.
They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.
DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. M.'S APARTMENT
ROGER arrives to talk to M.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.
M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
M.
(collapsing)
Urk!
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.
DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.
ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.
FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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