The Da Vinci Code uproar...

The Mohammed/ Da Vinci Code...
Seems like everyone who said "Muslims can't take a joke" when the cartoons depicting Mohammed appeared in Danish Newspapers are now up in arms over Dan Brown's book turned film "The Da Vinci Code".

Many Christian leaders want their flocks to boycott the movie The Da Vinci Code. They worry the movie contains highly questionable themes about the Christian faith. They say The Da Vinci Code contends that Jesus isn't God and that Mary Magdalene is the face in the Last Supper painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

A theology professor said, "The thing that upsets people is that Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code Author) claims Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married."

Whoa. Hang on. Jesus isn't God? I'm not an expert, or even a religious person; but isn't the Christian faith based on Jesus being the "SON" of God? Hmm. And who but Leonardo himself can confirm or deny whom the female figure is in the painting of "The Last Supper"? According to the Bible, Jesus was about 33 years old when he was crucified. It's ridiculous and just plain ignorant to believe that a 33-year-old man went his whole life WITHOUT having some sort of female companionship.

Besides, it's only a movie. Can't anyone take a damn joke??

Television Commercials...

You know, there's some pretty good TV commercials on the air these days, some that make you think, some that make you laugh, and some that make you want to jump up out of your easy chair and go buy their product.

Then there are those "other" adverts. The one's that make you say "WTF??"

Case in point:
Companies that make an expensive commercial so you feel good about them and their product. Just tonight I saw a commercial from Boeing, the airplane folks. Seriously, how many people saw that tonight and said, "Damn. I gotta get me a Boeing. It's way cooler than an Airbus." Or at the ticket counter: "The plane is a Boeing, isn't it?"

Another one that gets me wondering how stockholders put up with stupid corporate expenditures is The American Plastics Council. That commercial puts it all into perspective; I just learned how important plastic is in my life. And just when I was thinking about cutting back on my personal plastic consumption... Ooh, waitaminute! Plastic is made from--you guessed it: OIL! That's why it costs so much for gas, in my plastic bodied auto(an un-named GM car made in Tennessee).

Don't forget BASF. You know, "We don't make a lot of the products you buy...We make a lot of the products you buy BETTER!"

Ok, so how is this information valuable to me, the consumer? Shhh, here comes another commercial...

Repair Tech Wars: Episode 3.5.1

REPAIR TECH WARS: EPISODE 3.5.1- REVENGE OF THE DARK TECH:
AN EDITED, ABRIDGED, AND BUTCHERED PARODY SCRIPT

STARRING:
Roger as Obi Wan Kenobi
Lawson as Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader
Frank as Yoda
Dale as Chancellor Palpatine/ Emperor Darth Sideous
M. as Padme
Harold as Count Dooku
Kevin as General Grevious
Henry as Mace Windu
Timmay as Chewbacca
Rob M. as Senator Organna
Doug as R2D2




FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have ROGER WAN KENOBI
and LAWSON SKYWALKER in them.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward COUNT HAROLD'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR DALE.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

LAWSON shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.

They land (sort of) inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us
since we started working side by
side here in Building One.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.

They make their way toward COUNT HAROLD and DALE, using the help of R2DOUG2,
who can’t seem to find a wheelchair ramp, so he uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that he can’t fly in later episodes.
They find DALE.

DALE
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, COUNT HAROLD enters.

HAROLD
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!

They DUEL. HAROLD easily dispatches ROGER. LAWSON
fights him and eventually KILLS him.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Count Harold,
huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Roach and
introduced him in the first place.

DALE
Yes, but he was the only we can get to work on Flex 7.

LAWSON, ROGER, and DALE all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL KEVIN, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Repair Tech Wars
memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S REPAIR TECH WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
R2DOUG2, start sparking and freak out
So you can distract everyone!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for ROGER to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT KEVIN IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!

LAWSON crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by
M., the linchpin of LAWSON'S turn to the dark side.

M.
(yawning)
Lawson, I'm pregnant.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?

M.
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.

M.
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.

We cut to LAWSON having a nightmare about M. giving
birth to a WOOKIEE. M. is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually LAWSON seeks the advice of CHANCELLOR DALE.

INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

DALE
You seem worried about M.
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Tech.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck
M. That's insanity. Holy fuck.

DALE
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Techs’ do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--

DALE
And they can stop others from
dying.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?

DALE
Yup.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

FRANK leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the REPAIR TECH
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy. A balding WOOKIEE holding
a 2-liter of soda approaches.

TIMMAY
Nyaaarrrgghh. Belchh!!

EXT. UTAPAU

ROGER WAN KENOBI finds out that GENERAL KEVIN is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. ROGER
rides it up to GENERAL KEVIN and challenges him.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.

GENERAL KEVIN
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Roach. Lawson constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Hey, I sorta beat Jengo Mancourt. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?

GENERAL KEVIN
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.

ROGER shoots it.

GENERAL KEVIN
Ouch.

Now KEVIN'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

LAWSON SKYWALKER runs up to HENRY

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Henry, I rented the original Repair Tech
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure DALE is a Dark Tech
Lord.

HENRY
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Let me come with you.

HENRY
No, go your room.

HENRY and some OTHER TECHs go to
see DALE. Meanwhile LAWSON stares out the window of the REPAIR TECH
TEMPLE, toward M.'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Repair Tech department and his love for
his wife. M., at the same time, gazes toward the Repair Tech
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?

HENRY enters DALE'S CHAMBER.

HENRY
Dale, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.

DALE
I got a threshold, Tech. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.

HENRY
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

DALE
I could blow.

HENRY
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.

Suddenly, DALE pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward a
Tech, pulls his arm back, aims at a Tech, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while HENRY twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only HENRY
is left, they DUEL. DALE makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.

HENRY
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, DALE unleashes some force lightning on HENRY,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto DALE, which causes him to grow old, apparently. Despite
this, DALE refuses to stop doing it.

DALE
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...

LAWSON SKYWALKER arrives.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Dale, I think Henry is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save M. real
quick?

HENRY
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be... er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Harold in the beginning of the movie.

HENRY
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.

LAWSON stops him and DALE throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED TECH CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Dale.

DALE
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Techs in the temple,
including the children.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

DALE
Well, kill everyone, not just--

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Techs,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE TECH.

EXT. UTAPAU

DALE appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.

DALE
Execute order 666.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.

DALE
Oh, and order 667.

CLONE TROOPER
Techs, too. Got it.

They shoot at ROGER, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Tech,
of course.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
DADZIE and shoot him.

DADZIE
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me! Must be because I’m from Africa.
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining TECHS all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, LAWSON travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. RAY RAY, sadly, is
not one of them.

INT. M.'S APARTMENT

ROGER arrives to talk to M.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
M., do you know where Lawson
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Repair Tech temple, and
apparently also of DALE's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!

M.
Lawson? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Lawson would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.

ROGER stows away on M.'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

M.'S SHIP lands and she runs to LAWSON.

M.
Lawson! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red? I got some
Visine here in my purse…

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Roger, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

M.
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

LAWSON SKYWALKER
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

M.
(collapsing)
Urk!

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Lawson! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Bah, the Techs are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to M.
despite the fact that we live
together, which Dale figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Dale was a
Dark Tech Lord. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Harold because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Techs survived this long.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Anti-Techite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
It's over, Lawson. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Roach did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.

LAWSON SKYWALKER
Motherfucker!

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I'm leaving, Lawson! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

He leaves. DALE arrives shortly after.

DALE
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering M.'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to ROGER and ROB.

ROB
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Roger should
have delivered the twins, that would
have been more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?

M. has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

FRANK, ROGER, and KEVIN discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

ROB
I will take the girl. Hey Roger, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?

ROGER WAN KENOBI
I know about Leia, but Alec Guinness
doesn't.

FRANK
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Darth Lawson
killed his father.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?

FRANK
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

ROGER WAN KENOBI
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Lawson and Dale, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Lawson's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like a half an hour of research
on Google to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.

FRANK
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER, in full suit, is situated
upright.

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Where's M.? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

DALE
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Techs were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.

DALE
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?

DARTH LAWSON SKYWALKER
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dick and Beer...

I guess it has come to light that the Veep had a beer with lunch before going hunting with Whittington on that Texas ranch.

Beer and hunting is like drinking and driving. It's dangerous as hell, but people do it all the time. Myself, I like to drink beer while using a table saw. LOL

I don't suppose Mr. Cheney (I will refer to him henceforth as "Dick") would settle for a domestic light beer since he wasn't shooting a Remington or similar American firearm. What sort of beer goes well with a fine Italian Perazzi shotgun? Birra Moretti or Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Think about this: What if the other guy had shot Dick? The Dickster would be plucking out some birdshot whilst Whittington bleeds out onto the prairie from Secret Service gunshot wounds...

Cartoons aren't funny in Danish papers...

Angry rioters in Pakistan torch a KFC, Pizza Hut, and many locally owned shops, while shouting "Death To America"...

All (supposedly) over some cartoons in a Danish Newspaper.

I don't get it. I don't think they are angry. Not at all. I think they just like to go crazy and burn shit.

Really, now. Denmark is an awful long way from downtown Islamabad. Why burn your neighbors' car and your distant cousins' produce shop because of something from Denmark? Do they even know where Denmark is? Probably not, because these rioters must believe that Dallas is somewhere near Denmark. Maybe I'm the ignorant one because I didn't know that Pizza Hut and KFC were headquartered in Copenhagen...

And WTF about this "Death to America" business. Granted we're not the most popular country in the world, but our political cartoons usually have Bush and Cheney acting like Beavis and Butthead, not slapping religions in the face.

Now about these cartoons. I don't know who the artist is, and I don't care. He's not an American that I know of, I can only assume he's a Dane. I saw all of the cartoons, and most of them were not funny or maybe I just didn't get the joke. OK, I admit I got a short laugh out of two of them. Still, I don't think they were appropriate for print. On the other hand, can't anyone take a joke??

Would it be more fair if the someone were to draw some cartoons of other religous figures and dieties? You know, equal opportunity caricatures.

Maybe a drawing of Jesus walking on water looking for his golf ball. Oops, already been done. "Christians riot over depictions that Jesus would even hit his ball into the hazard..."

How about this one: Draw the Pope as a Nazi. Damn, it. Somebody did that one, too. He was a Hitler Youth, you know.

Jews have long been the joke of political cartoons. I don't hear them crying "Death To America".

Budda goes on a diet in another cartoon. Hey, I haven't seen that one yet! I could be on to something...

Now everyone is boycotting Denmark's products. C'mon, be mature. An artist and a newspaper are the only guilty parties. I'm not going to boycott Denmark. As a matter of fact, I had a danish this morning for breakfast...

In the News...

CNN's Headline News...and Nancy Grace.
WTF is a Court TV sensationalist doing on Headline News? When Nancy Grace came to HLN a while back, I was hoping that it would be short lived, and the "Headline Prime" programming would be no more. But here we are, months later and Nancy Dis-Grace is still putting her spin on court cases and missing persons incidents...

She proved her ineptness when she had all but convicted "The Runaway Bride"'s fiancee of murdering and hiding her body when the truth came out, she was found in the southwest, apparently there of her own accord.

I rate Nancy Dis-Grace in the same league of journalism as print media's "The Weekly World News". No, I would rather read that rag instead of watching Nancy Dis-Grace trying to influence prospective jurors.

Attorney: "Have you heard about this case is the news?"
Juror: "I did see something on Nancy Grace about it."
Attorney: "Dismissed."

Wow. The best way to get out of jury duty!

Back to my soapbox. One reason I am so outspoken about Her Dis-Gracefullness is I am a part of a captive audience, I work evening shift and HLN is on the cafeteria TV's.

So here we are, real news is happening right now, and the network that is supposed to bring it to us has a blonde (no disrespect to blondes in general) cow on there freaking out because no one has found Natalee Holloway yet. (I hope they do find her and put a bullet in the responsible parties skull)

Speaking of bullets, Our V.P., Dick Cheney is shooting his friends down in Texas and Nancy is too busy with her shit to mention it...

Do you remember the movie "Bedazzled" with Brendan Frazier and Elizabeth Hurley? I'm thinking of the part when she hands 'Elliot' her card and all that is printed on it is"THE DEVIL". That should be Nancy Dis-Grace's calling card. LOL

The next alert I'd like to see on Headling Prime: Nancy Grace Missing Day 15. Hmm. Can't be missing if nobody misses you...

The Repair TechBusters

THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Starring:
Lawson as “Egon Spengler”
Frank as “Peter Venkman”
Henry as “Winston Zeddmore”
Roger as “Ray Stantz”
Timmay as “Slimer”
Plus other familiar names, but any resemblance to actual Repair Techs or other employees is purely coincidental. “This is a parody!”

FADE IN:

EXT 2nd STREET - FACTORY

Nothing unusual about it. We just keep hearing this
CRASHING and BANGING from somewhere. PAN from the factory
back across the street. A CROWD (seen more or less in
silhouette) stands outside wooden barricades, looking at
something we can't yet see. PUSH IN as the SOUNDS grow.

CLOSE - BARRICADE

And there, painted dead-center on the sawhorse-type
barricade, is a Schematic Drawing of a Transistor inside a red circle with a
slash diagonally through it: The Symbol of the Repair TechBusters.

PHIL (OS)
(agonizing)
What are they doing in there?

ANGLE - PHIL, MATT

PHIL, a tall, middle aged man with poor posture, stands with MATT, a
few members of the CROWD, all wearing blue smocks visible in BG.
They stand on the other side of the barricade, looking with anguish at the
source of the disturbance. SFX CONTINUE.

MATT
It'll be all right, Phil. I'm sure the
Repair TechBusters know what they're doing.

OVERSHOULDER SHOT - PHIL, MATT, FACTORY

Matt recoils in horror as we PUSH IN to
increased sounds of devastation from within the factory.

FRANK (VO)
That's it -- we've got 'em now.

INT FACTORY - WIDE ANGLE

Where our four intrepid Repair TechBusters - FRANK, ROGER,
LAWSON and HENRY stand amid the debris, High Powered
Barcode Scanners in-hand, an impressive sight. They'd be a lot more
impressive if they weren't surrounded by about thirty or so
Metro carts, circling them, looking ready to do severe damage to the
Repair TechBusters.

FRANK
(to the unseen ghosts)
Okay, guys, give it up. You've had
your fun, scared a few folks, but we
don't scare. We eat ghosts like you
for breakfast.

HENRY
Uh, we don’t really eat them for breakfast…do we?

UPSHOT - ROGER

Summoning up his bravado, the circling metro carts visible
in BG.

ROGER
Frank's right! You haven't got a
chance! So go ahead -- take your best shot!
ANGLE - FRANK, LAWSON, HENRY

Who, as one, wince at this.

LAWSON/ HENRY/ FRANK
(as one)
Oh, Shit . . .

GHOST VOICES
(chorus, heavy reverb)
If you insist!
(maniacal laughter)

UPSHOT – METRO CARTS

Shooting straight TOWARD CAMERA.

ANGLE - WORKBENCH

Under which the Repair TechBusters dive en_masse to avoid the
hailstorm of Metro carts crashing down all around them to
TREMENDOUS CRASHES AND BANGS.

UNDER WORKBENCH -

Where the four huddle, some holding their ears. CRASH!
BASH! SMASH! Frank gives Roger a withering look.

FRANK
(forced pleasantness)
Good thinking, Roger. I like that. But
somehow, I don't think you'll get
an Applause Dollar this week.

EXT FACTORY - CROWD

Where Phil and Matt stand with the crowd in BG as we
HEAR more CRASHING AND BASHING from OS.

PHIL
What noise! You think we should go in
and help?

Then: an OS CRASH OF BREAKING GLASS. An instant later, a
METRO CART rockets THROUGH FRAME, hitting a tree so hard it
goes right THROUGH IT, before hitting the ground so hard it
buries itself in the cement. JOE looks to Phil.

JOE
In a word . . . no.

ANGLE - LAWSON

Huddled under the workbench, BASHES all around, as he pulls out
the FLUKE meter. Its display zeros. Lawson shakes it a few times
then it FLASHES and BEEPS rapidly.

LAWSON
This is it! Voltage level approaching
maximum. We should get a visible force
five manifestation any -- second -- NOW!

UPSHOT - CEILING

With a FLASH! there appear five or six GHOSTS -- various
grotesque forms floating around in the air. They are not
critical to the remainder of the story, so they can be just
about any design. They cavort, spin, whirl, and zoom.

GHOST CHORUS
(whoops, cackles, etc.)
(heavy reverb)

HENRY (OS)
Now's our chance! Let's get 'em!

WIDE - INCLUDES CEILING, WORKBENCH

As the Repair TechBusters emerge from cover, raise their high powered
bar code scanners, and squeeze the triggers! Shaky flat laser beams
SHOOT OUT toward the circling ghosts.

MEDIUM - GHOSTS

As they are caught in the four-pointed scanner beams
that hit and HOLD them in a field of dancing lasers.

ROGER (OS)
That's it! Careful now! Easy! Easy!

WIDE - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

As the trapped ghosts are lowered toward the Techto-trap.

HENRY
Okay, they're in position! Opening the
trap -- NOW!

DOWNSHOT - THE TRAP

The small doors open, and a beam of black light
shoots out.

WIDEN - INCLUDES ALL

The beam of black light from the trap catches the ghosts, and in a whirlwind
of EFX, yanks them into the trap. Its doors close. All quiet.

TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, FRANK

As Frank brushes some dust from his smock, eminently pleased.

FRANK
Hey, piece of cake! Told you this'd be
an easy one!

WIDEN

PULLING BACK as the Repair TechBusters head out of the factory
REVEALING that the place is an utter shambles.

ROGER
Yeah, but someone’s gonna have a
lot of 5-S ’ing to do!

EXT FACTORY

As the Repair TechBusters emerge, triumphant, to the SHOUTS of
approbation from the CROWD. A smiling Henry nudges Lawson.

HENRY
I think they like us!

Lawson eyes the crowd with cool scientific aplomb.

LAWSON
I don't know -- it could be a trap.

Henry, rolling his eyes at the ever-cautious Lawson,
grabs his hand and holds it up with his own two, waving to
the crowd, taking it all in. Lawson looks like he wishes
he were reading his fantasy novel.

SMASH CUT TO:

CLOSE - TECHTO 1 FLASHING BEACON

PULL BACK from the strobing light to reveal the Techto 1 racing
its way through busy streets, traffic parting before it like
the Red Sea. The Repair TechBusters are inside, Roger driving.

ROGER (VO)
Boy, will I be glad to get home. I'm exhausted. OCM is never this tough!

REVERSE ANGLE

As the Techto 1 races AWAY FROM CAMERA OVER:

HENRY (VO)
Yeah! Home -- to some peace and quiet, so I can surf the net.

ROGER
Look! There goes Brian heading home early again!

CUT TO:

INT REPAIR TECHBUSTERS HQ - BLACK SCREEN

Nothing. Darkness. HOLD for a BEAT, under a CRUNCHING
noise. Then the garage door angles open. The Repair TechBusters
stand silhouetted against the bright light outside.

FRANK
Peace and quiet, eh?

REVERSE - GARAGE/OFFICES

Where a line of partly-eaten food extends the length of the
HQ, to where Timmay sits, munching. A frazzled looking
HAROLD stands nearby, arms folded, unhappy. Timmay, on the
other hand, only looks up for a moment, then chugs Pepsi from a 2-liter.

HAROLD
(frustrated)
I tried to stop him. You guys don't
need a receptionist, you need a baby
sitter! A whole damn platoon of 'em!

ON FRANK

Not looking at all happy.

FRANK
(end of his rope)
Timmay . . . ! You ate my lunch! …AND MY SUPPER!!

ON TIMMAY

Who REACTS with trepidation and leaps into the air, doing a
double-somersault before diving through a crack in the floor
boards and disappearing.

ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, LAWSON, HENRY

As they survey the damage.

FRANK
Just let me blast him. Once. Is that
really so much to ask?


LAWSON
Not yet. We haven't finished testing
him yet. He's the only ghost we’ve found who has
no techto-plasm in his cranial cavity -- we can't let the
opportunity for science pass us by.

ON ROGER

Who smiles in that way of his.

ROGER
Besides -- I'm teaching him how to fetch!

ANGLE - FLOORBOARDS

As Timmay's hand comes back through the floorboards and tries
to drag a chicken leg through after him -- without success.
Frank's FEET stomp THROUGH SCENE.

FRANK (VO)
Science -- I love it. Well, come on,
let's get these little nasties put
away.

PLOOP! The chicken leg is yanked through the floorboards.

INT - BASEMENT

Where the Repair TechBusters come down the stairs into the basement
area where the Thermotron containment unit squats, big, blue, and impressive.

ANGLE - WALL THERMOTRON CONTAINMENT UNIT

As the Repair TechBusters ENTER FRAME and stop in front of the unit.

ON FRANK, HENRY

Frank holds up the trap. It RATTLES, and there are SNARLS
and GRUMBLES from within it. He pushes it toward Henry.

FRANK
Okay, Henry, it's your turn.

HENRY
My turn? It's your turn. I fed Timmay
Tuesday, remember? We traded.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Lawson sighs and comes between them, taking the trap.

LAWSON
(a sigh)
Never mind, I'll do it.

CLOSE - FRANK, HENRY

They lean toward one another conspiratorially.

FRANK
Works every time.

ON LAWSON

As he opens the Thermotron containment unit door, inserting the trap. He turns
the large mechanical oven dial from “ICE AGE” to “HOT AS HELL”.

LAWSON
I don't understand what you're afraid
of. Just because it blew up once
doesn't mean it'll blow up again, right?

WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL

As, behind Lawson, they all take one big step backward kind
of like a Busby Berkeley chorus line, saying:

HENRY/ FRANK/ ROGER
Right…

Lawson pulls the lever that moves the ghosts into the Thermotron
containment unit. The others plug their ears, fearing the worst.

ON LAWSON

Nodding, satisfied, as the Thermotron containment unit does its thing.

LAWSON
There. Now that they're safely inside
the Thermotron containment unit, they won't be
bothering anybody for a long, long time.

WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL

Roger, Henry and Frank step, smiling, back to where
they had been a moment earlier, and Lawson turns to face
them.

LAWSON
Now we can take a break. Nancy Grace is about to come on.

FRANK/ ROGER/ HENRY
(In unison) YAY!!!


WIPE TO:

INT NEW FACTORY ADDITION

Still under construction. PAN the length of it. At the
largest, most complete end, there are large machines
with Japanese writing on them, recently unloaded from wooden crates.
Further on, it's a little more primitive, wires and cables
dangling from overhead conduits. More unopened wooden crates
can be seen here. A florescent light fixture blinks erratically.

INT CONSTRUCTION AREA

Where some WORKMEN hammer nails into the walls and others install new ESD floor tiles.
CAMERA LINGERS and PUSHES IN on two WORKMEN, each examining a
layout of the growing factory addition. Then:

THIRD WORKMAN (OS)
Hey, Bob! Come take a look at this!

Holding up a finger to mark his place in the discussion, the
First Workman heads off toward the sound of the voice,
picking up a Nextel as he enters-

NEW CONSTRUCTION AREA

Where a painters tarp has been just pushed away to REVEAL,
in the flickering light, a large wooden crate.
A very, very old crate, with strange markings and an
odd, mouth-like aperture surrounded by weird hieroglyphics.

FIRST WORKMAN
What is it?

CLOSE - MARKINGS, APERTURE

Looking very strange, very Lovecraftian in the flickering light.

FIRST WORKMAN (OVER)
Beats me. Hey, lookit all that weird
writing. What d'you think it means?

TWO-SHOT - FIRST, THIRD WORKMAN

And neither of them says the following:

VOICE FROM CRATE (OS)
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!

FIRST WORKMAN
Hey, good guess. How do you know?

THIRD WORKMAN
Who, me? I didn't say anything.

They suddenly REACT (PLEASE, don't overdo it!) to the sight

CLOSE - THE CRATE - APERTURE

The mouth-like aperture is moving, shaping the words:

CRATE VOICE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY.

WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL

As the Third Workman backpedals a step or two.

THIRD WORKMAN
Maybe -- maybe we ought to do like it says. It is about
time for a smoke break…

FIRST WORKMAN
Are you nuts? We've got an factory
addition to finish. We're not gonna stop
just 'cause some fuckin’ crate says so!
(calling on the Nextel)
Okay, move that crate, and get that wall finished! Let's go!

Together, the two head OS as a fork lift ENTERS FRAME and
starts toward the crate.

REVERSE ANGLE

As the First and Second Workmen head AWAY FROM CAMERA.

FIRST WORKMAN
There, see? You just hafta learn how
to take charge, how to give orders.

Then, suddenly, from where they just left, there's a
tremendous BLAST! They spin around to see-

WIDE - THE CRATE

The lid from the wooden crate – blasts into the air--
and from within, there's a swirling
miasma of light and mist and glittering hellfire that churns
out, getting bigger and bigger by the second, filling the
construction area like a horizontal tornado, throwing the fork
lift back the way it came. Grinning fireballs -- the
loosed spirits, creatures, and so on -- come shooting out.

ON FIRST, SECOND WORKMAN

Ducking the onslaught of energy, fury, and grinning fireballs
that rush all around them, heading out into the room.

FIRST WORKMAN
. . . Oops. RUN FOR IT!!!

They do.

WIDE – FACTORY ADDITION

The entire complement of Workmen scatter everywhichway as the
building is filled with the escaping spirits.

WORKMEN
(General panic & confusion) [More than usual]

ANGLE – FACTORY ADDITION

As two fireballs exit the construction area, the shoot toward Flex 327,
and skate rapidly up the line, and branching out into the other
lines. Other fireballs do the same.

WIDE - BREEZEWAY

Where several lines meet. The Fireballs ENTER
FRAME riding one set of conveyors, and as they arrive at the
breezeway, split off, each following a different line.

INT CAFETERIA

Where a few frazzled PRODUCTION WORKERS stand in a
Line, ordering greasy substances that vaguely look like food.
ANGLE DOWN to the breezway. A skating fireball zips TOWARD
the steam table, and HITS!

ANGLE - THE STEAM TABLE - FRONT

Momentarily glows with energy that crackles along its metal
skin. Then, for a BEAT, nothing happens. Then the sunny
side up eggs in one container begin to sizzle and the yolks -- become like
eyes. They seems to smile -- and it's not a pretty sight.

ANGLE – CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

EMPLOYEES run hysterically out of the cafeteria, large blobs of
unrecognizable food taking monstrous shapes behind them. A
creature dripping grease and tomato sauce grabs an EMPLOYEE.

EMPLOYEE
Aaghh! This is my last clean smock!

EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE- DOORS

The MAN AND WOMAN barely manage to dive out through the still
open doors, smiling in relief.

MAN
Made it! Boy, are we lucky!

SLAM! The doors close -- and they look suspiciously like a
huge maw (or fist) closing.

FLEX LINE

Odd-form insertion machine -- its usual motion is suddenly
halted, then the robotic arm spins like a top and the Plexiglas
wall around it shatters. And the sound it makes is like a scream.

ANGLE - FRONT OF FORKLIFT

Heading straight FOR CAMERA, as wisps of spirit-trails begin
to surround it, the forklift leaves a trail of techto-plasm.
Just as it seems about to pulverize the CAMERA we…

CUT TO:

EXT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE

Where some EMPLOYEES come barrelling out of the entrance to
the factory, chased by any number of four, six, and eight
legged ghosties. The EMPLOYEES are exiting the building about
as fast as they normally would… at quitting time.

EMPLOYEES
(screams & shouts)

CAMERA ANGLES UP -- and there, in the distance, is
Repair TechBuster HQ.

INT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HEADQUARTERS

Where Frank lays back on his bunk, looking content.

FRANK
(contented sigh)
Now -- to get some rest! Flex 2 has been driving me nuts!

INT HAROLD'S STATION

He hangs up the phone and slams his hand down on the alarm.

HAROLD
Okay, let's ROLL!

SIRENS blare! CLAXONS sound! RED LIGHTS glare! TOILETS flush!

UPSHOT - FIRE POLE

Lickety-split, Roger, Henry, and Lawson slide down the
pole. PAN QUICKLY UP.

ANGLE - FRANK'S BUNK

As Frank crawls with utter despair out of his bunk.

FRANK
It's a conspiracy. I know it. Just like my solder test…

EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ

As the door slides up, and Techto 1 races out and away from the
Repair TechBusters HQ.

WIPE TO:

INT EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE

The bottom of the steps, where – Hot Air Jets in hand -- Roger,
Frank and Henry move cautiously to the bottom. PULL
BACK TO REVEAL that the factory has changed -- a lot. Layers
of Techtoplasmic slime drip from everything in sight, jagged
stalactites and stalagmites jut out from odd angles, and a
thin mist hangs over everything. In a very short while, this
place has gone all to hell. The Repair TechBusters look around,
taking this all in.

FRANK
Very nice. Looks a little like
your workbench, Roger.

ANGLE - ROGER, HENRY, FRANK

Looking up as HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER fills the building. They
look around nervously. The laughter stops. Then, suddenly
Roger stops, holds up a hand.

ROGER
Listen! Do you hear -- footsteps?

A BEAT. Yeah, there are footsteps, all right. Suddenly,
Lawson ENTERS FRAME behind them.

LAWSON
Hi, guys.

FRANK / ROGER / HENRY
YAAAAAGGGHHHHH!

WIDEN

As the others spin toward Lawson, weapons drawn, then relax.

HENRY
Geez, Lawson -- how many times do we have
to tell you -- don't do that!

ROGER
So what's up? What did you find out?

ON LAWSON

Consulting his FLUKE meter, he attaches what
looks like a bar code scanner to it, scanning with it as he speaks.

LAWSON
I spoke with a guy from TBM. He
says that whatever's happening, it's
spreading throughout the factory. He’s
worried how long it will take them to
clean the floors after it’s over
I think if it isn't stopped soon, it will spread
to Farmington Hills, then the whole
company will be in chaos.

ANGLE - FRANK, ROGER, HENRY

Roger is amazed, fascinated by this. Frank, DURING THE
FOLLOWING, notices something OS that gets his attention.


ROGER
That's amazing! I mean, we're not just
talking simple haunting here. This is
classic transformation. It's like the
whole place itself is becoming evil,
coming alive…

HENRY
Or like a major corporate restructuring. But
now what? Maybe we ought to . . . .

On this, Frank slips away, heading toward what's been
taking up his attention.

OVERSHOULDER SHOT - FRANK

Heading toward a figure in the mist: from behind, it seems to
be a bartender, cleaning glasses with a towel. He stands
behind what appears to be a long wooden bar
as Frank comes from behind.

FRANK
Ah, excuse me, bartender?

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Frank comes up behind the figure, his back still to CAMERA.

FRANK (cont'd)
(a come-on)
I hate to bother you, but maybe you'd
happen to have Newcastle Brown Ale on tap.
I’d like a pint and some hot wings also.

Suddenly, the figure turns -- and we SEE that this is a
skeleton, not a bartender. The skull-face
widens in a HYSTERICAL LAUGH. If the thing expects this to
have any effect on Frank, it doesn't. He leans forward,
looks at the thing's teeth.

FRANK
(just a tad nervously)
Say, now, ah . . when was the last
time you saw your dentist? Hmm?
And what about that beer?

With a ROAR, the thing disappears, fades out, the bar and
glasses wisp away in an ethereal mist. Suddenly, he looks OS to
an approaching, clanking ROAR from somewhere down the line.

WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL

As the other Repair TechBusters join him, a
BURN-IN CART, looking fairly normal, if slimed, makes its
appearance. It pulls up, slowing to a stop before them.
A status tag on the cart says “Ready for Burn-In”.


HENRY
It's a Burn cart.

ROGER
Yeah, looks like it.

LAWSON
But I thought the burn chambers had stopped running.

FRANK
Damn. I was really in the mood for a beer…

Then just as it appeared, BURN-IN CART starts to move again
and heads toward the Burn-In chambers. The Repair TechBusters
Follow the cart cautiously to the Burn-In chambers.
WHOOSH! The chamber doors open up right in front of them.
The cart ENTERS. The doors slide shut again. And the seam where the
doors join . . . disappears.

INT FACTORY- BURN-IN AREA

The burn chambers start running their temperature cycles.
The place is amazingly dreary looking –
dark, oppressive. Lawson pulls a floor plan out of his
jacket pocket and examines it.

LAWSON
This could be very helpful. From what
I've been able to figure out, the
center of the disturbance is not
far from here. As a matter of fact, I
think it may be in the new construction
area for the Super Duper Cell, Flex 256!

FRANK
Terrific! Listen, I'm going to go
take a whiz…be right back.

Frank goes to one of the doors that used to say “MEN” but
it now has some strange symbols on the door.


ANGLE - FRANK, DOOR

The door opens -- and the former restroom is filled with
walking skeletons, group leaders, ghosts of all sorts. They cram
into the door, standing, not moving, implying that all of
the urinals just may be taken. Frank takes it all in for a BEAT,
then looks over his shoulder at his companions.

FRANK
On second thought, I think I can
hold it a little while longer.



EXT PARKING LOT

EMPLOYEES congregating in their designated evacuation
areas, milling about the otherwise quiet parking lot,
down which we SEE a bunch of manhole covers in a row -- and
suddenly, one after another, they're BLOWN right off the
street and into the air as the SOUND of battle below rages,
blasts of high powered bar code scanners and ghost-wisps
BLAMMING! through the open manholes with each explosion.
The Employees look on, wide-eyed, as the disturbance moves
from one manhole cover to the next, heading around the corner
of the factory.

INT FACTORY – FINAL ASSEMBLY AREA

Looking very much like the area we just left, only even more
dark, slimy, deteriorated and otherwise yucked-up.
Silence. Then: a sound from down the hallway. A rumbling.
MOVE TOWARD IT. It FILLS THE SCREEN.

ANGLE – BURN-IN CART

The one the Repair TechBusters first encountered, coming
down the aisle. Only now its modules are blown out, the
wheels are buckled, the whole thing looking like it's been
through a war. Even the drag chain is frayed. It barely
manages to make it to the Final Assembly Area before grinding to a
shuddering halt. No sooner do the triumphant Repair TechBusters
who followed it arrive, in a great flurry of dust and debris,
the burn-in cart collapses in upon itself –
then fades away out of existence.

ANGLE - LAWSON, ROGER, HENRY

Going to the far edge of the platform and peering off into
the misty reaches of the new construction area. Here it is filled with a
strange, swirling mist that glitters and sparks -- shades of
red, and black, and purple slide just under the surface of
the mist -- looking half-alive, half-unknown. Lawson holds
the FLUKE meter in his hand --

CLOSE - FLUKE METER

The probes raising up, lights flashing, beeping like nuts.

LAWSON (OS)
This is it. Right through there...

TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, ROGER

Looking from the FLUKE meter to the darkened construction zone.

LAWSON
The source of the disturbance is just
a little further on. It's sending out
enormous amounts of static electricity,
charging the up everything it touches.
I hope everyone has their ESD footwear on.

ANGLE - HENRY

Looking at a techto-plasm covered machine, he sees something at
its base.

HENRY
Hey, what's that? That doesn't belong here.


UPSHOT - PAST HENRY

Who crouches beside a large stone slab jutting out of the
ground. The rest of the Repair TechBusters appear,
looking down at him.

HENRY
Roger! Take a look at this!


ROGER
Yeah, this is Roger. What'd you find?

HENRY
I don't know, but it looks important.

The Repair TechBusters look to each other, shrug, then bend down
alongside Henry.

WIDE - STONE SLAB - INCLUDES REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

As they congregate around the stone slab. And now we can SEE
that there is writing in some strange language graven into
the stone. This is clearly something very, very old. (Note:
this is not part of the crate we saw earlier.)

ROGER
(whistles)
Whatever it is, it's been been buried
for ages. Looks like it came out of
the ground all by itself, maybe drawn
up by all the excess static electricity
around here.

TWO-SHOT - HENRY, LAWSON

Kneeling down beside the stone slab, Roger's feet visible
behind them as they examine the artifact. Henry gestures
toward the hieroglyphics.

HENRY
Can you read what it says?

LAWSON
It's a Sumerian Schematic.


HENRY
Can you read Sumerian Schematics?

ON LAWSON

Raising his head, amazed that the question would even be asked.

LAWSON
In my sleep, underwater, and with the
lights off. Of course I can read Sumerian.
Schematics. It'll -- just -- take me a while. I’ve got
some references here in these fantasy novels
I’ve been reading...

With that, he bends down to begin work.

WIPE TO:

INT NEAR CONSTRUCTION AREA - LATER

Where Frank is sitting in FG off by himself, opening a
beer that he takes from his smock pocket. The beer is
surprisingly cold, considering it’s been in his pocket. In BG the
rest of the Repair TechBusters huddle over the stone slab. They're
too far for us to hear what they're saying. Frank talks to himself:

FRANK
Have a beer, Frank. Thanks, think
I will. Say, how long have we been
waiting here? Oh, a couple of hours.
Think we'll ever get out of here? Naah.
Might as well take an extended break…

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Frank puts his beer down beside
him and rummages around in another pocket -- TRUCK IN on the
beer, where a bony hand rises from the ground beside it,
moves slowly over the beer, hovers, about to grab it,
when Frank leans suddenly INTO FRAME.

FRANK
Move it or lose it.

The bony fingers riffle for a moment, as if thinking it over,
then PLOOP! they dive back under the ground again as we HEAR:

ROGER (OS)
Frank! We got it!

And it's just as Frank turns to look back at Roger that
the bony hand reaches out and ZAP! grabs the beer,
disappearing again beneath the ground. Frank, resigned to
his fate, rises and heads OS.

ANOTHER ANGLE - INCLUDES ALL

As Frank joins the remaining Repair TechBusters around the slab.

FRANK
This better be worth a beer, Roger.

ROGER
Good news! We finally figured out what
the stone says! The world's going to end!

ON FRANK

Who nods, taking this in.

FRANK
You have a very strange definition of
"good news."

TWO-SHOT - LAWSON, HENRY

Rising INTO FRAME from the stone slab.

LAWSON
According to the stone, at the far end
of this construction area there's a doorway into
-- the nether regions.


HENRY
Translation: the place where all the
bad folks go when they've finished
living.

And Henry points ominously straight down.

FRANK
Oh, there. I thought you meant the
solder training room.

WIDEN TO INCLUDE ALL

The CAMERA PULLING BACK to give some idea of the immensity of
their situation, making them small against it.

LAWSON
The door was hidden deep under the factory,
not to be opened until doomsday, the
end of the world. Only somebody opened
it early. It's like breaking open a
dam -- and it'll keep on spreading.

FRANK
Yeah? So?

ON ROGER

VERY serious looking as he begins:

ROGER
Frank -- did you ever leave some old
socks in your closet too long, and the
whole closet began to smell like your socks?

FRANK
(defensively)
Maybe.

WIDE – CONSTRUCTION AREA, REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

As Roger gestures to their surroundings.

ROGER
Same thing here. Unless we do something
to stop it, soon the whole factory will
look like this -- just like the nether
regions. Eternal darkness. And the
factory will be governed by ghosts.

FRANK
I think they already got to West Terre Haute.

HENRY
That’s why I live in Charleston.

ON LAWSON

Standing on this side of the mist.

LAWSON
We've got to find the door and close it
again -- even if it means we'll never
come back ourselves.

With that, Lawson arms his High Powered Barcode Scanner, and steps
into the mist, disappearing from view.

WIDEN TO INCLUDE THE REST

Who look to one another. Henry and Roger arm their
scanners, and with determined looks, follow Lawson into the
mist. Frank, alone, finally throws up his hands, arms his
scanner, and follows them in, saying:

FRANK
(resigned)
All right, all right. But if I don't
come out of this alive, I'm gonna be
real upset!

And he, too, disappears into the mist. PULL BACK SLOWLY to
reveal the mist changing shape, taking on features -- and the
side of the mist facing us looks, for all the world, like a
grinning skull. It LAUGHS, and LAUGHS, as we

FADE OUT:


FADE IN:

INT MISTY ROOM

For a BEAT, all we see is grey, swirling mist. Then, out of
it, come the Repair TechBusters, weapons at the ready, eyes alert.
They stop to look at what awaits them.

FRANK
So let me get this straight -- if we
don't stop it, this is what the whole
factory is going to look like?

Lawson nods.

THEIR POV

A scene out of Dante's_Inferno. Charred, blackened ESD floor tiles,
faces in the surrounding walls that watch them pass
(Note: comparable to the Gnome King's minions in Return_to
Oz.) Stunted, twisted trees that look suspiciously like they
might once have been people, bubbling pools, everything very
organic looking, but eerie, creepy. REALLY go to town on
this. (NOTE: Through this and all nether-world scenes, we
must see occasional, familiar-though-distorted things: torn
up sheetrock, signs hanging akilter, shattered doors,
dangling network cables, on and on. We're NOT in another place --
this is the Same Old Place after something very nasty has
come in and messed everything up, changing its nature.)

LAWSON (VO)
After Doomsday, the end of the world,
this was supposed replace everything.
But somehow it was released early, and
it's taking over the factory now.

ANGLE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Who come to a sudden halt, listening.

MEDIUM - LAWSON

As his FLUKE meter overloads. He tosses it away seconds before
it EXPLODES, then continues on.

ANGLE - HENRY

Teeth gritted, pulling himself along the wall.

HENRY
(to himself)
Just a little further, Henry -- you
-- can do it!

TWO-SHOT - FRANK, ROGER

Taking a second's rest against the wall. Frank jerks a
thumb toward the crate.

FRANK
(loud - breathless)
Hey, Roger! I'm -- going next door to
complain -- they're playing their
stereo too loud again! Wanna come?

TIGHTEN

And they smile, in that strange way people do when they're
sure they're about to buy the farm, but it's okay, sorta,
because they're with friends. (Note: go ahead, try to
picture THAT one!) But it's soon gone, and they press on.

ANGLE - DOORWAY

As the Repair TechBusters crawl/walk/scrabble to the wooden
crate, immense power surging past just overhead. With a
mutual nod, they begin to climb, hand over hand, up over the
edge of the crate --

INT WOODEN CRATE

SHOOTING OUT, toward the Repair TechBusters, as they climb up over
the rim and pause, halfway in. Their faces go slack with
amazement and numb shock.


FRANK
Okay . . . I admit it. I'm impressed.

THEIR POV

Simply put: Hades. The Underworld. Chicago suburbs.
Whatever place you normally associate with hell. A
place of swirling fireclouds, black lights, distant shapes
moving through the void, all suffused with a supernal,
shifting light that leans toward the ultraviolet. A place of
sheer, utter desolation. Think of a conformal coating booth
with the ventilation system turned off, and Karen there to
keep you company.

ROGER (VO)
Oh great. Alright, hang on -- this is it!

REVERSE ANGLE

As the four Repair TechBusters take up their places: two on either
side of the now-immense crate opening, clinging to the sides lest
they be hurled away by the wind. They pull out their
barcode scanners.

LAWSON
Arm Back-UPS accelerators -- now!

QUICK CUTS: THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Switching on their Back-UPS accelerators. They HUM to life.

CLOSE - LAWSON

Shielding his eyes against the wind and light.

LAWSON
Activate load boxes and Com2Key --
now!

ON BACKPACKS


As the Repair TechBusters each push a button. Out of the back of
each of the devices a panel swivels around, revealing a
small, dish-like antenna. ENERGY WAVES floating through the
surrounding ether are caught up on the receptors. And the
power indicators on the back of their packs GLOW brightly,
moving further and further up. POWER HUM.

ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Their barcode scanners vibrating and bucking. They
fight to keep hold of them.

LAWSON
Full PTM mode, wide angle --
fire -- NOW!

They do, immensely large waves of laser beams shooting out
of their weapons, much larger than when we saw them earlier.

ROGER
Whooooaaaaaa!

REVERSE ANGLE

As the enormous laser beams shoot down the passage and
angle off down the intersecting passageways.

HENRY
Hold on!!!!!!!!

QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS:


As GHOSTS make a break for the outside world, only to be
snared by the emerging laser scanner beams.

INT DOORWAY

The Repair TechBusters are barely able to hold onto their equipment.

LAWSON
Okay, another second -- now! Activate
capture mode! Pull them in! PULL!

ANOTHER ANGLE

The Repair TechBusters hit another switch on their weapons, and the
bar code scanners begin to reverse, pulling back in toward them,
as when they pull in a ghost to capture it.

INT CRATE PASSAGE

The whole area in front of the Repair TechBusters is spiderwebbed
with energy bolts, veins of energy that FLARE and CRACKLE
like St. Elmo's Fire, or a Tesla coil.

SERIES OF SHOTS

INT FACTORY

The scanner beams, reversed, flow off the burn carts, stripping
the ghosts and everything strange off the carts as it goes --
the motion similar to a banana being peeled, the demarcation
is that clear.



Stalactites and stalagmites retract, the awful
look of the place is peeled back as the scanner beams
reverses.

ANGLE – FACTORY

The first Fireballs we saw earlier are yanked back along the
conveyors, one after another, speeding TOWARD CAMERA.

EXT CONSTRUCTION AREA

The snared ghosts strain against the scanner beams like dogs
on a leash -- then are rudely YANKED BACK inside.

INT DOORWAY - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Who look to one another as they hear a RUMBLING.

ROGER
Uh, oh . . . Is it 2:45 yet?

THEIR POV

Everything that got loose is now headed right AT CAMERA, a
veritable horde of -- things, swirling, caught in the beams.
It's truly a nasty sight.

ROGER (OS/cont'd)
Here_come_the_neighbors!

INT CRATE - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Still firing their barcode scanners as the surging mass of
ghosts and other creatures comes pouring in through the
doorway. The WIND is surging toward them now, carrying the
things in with them. It looks like someone opened the drain
in a sewer, only all the yucky stuff is flowing horizontally.

ANGLE - CRATE

As the crate lid moves back towards the crate, it starts to CLOSE.

LAWSON (OS)
That's it! Let's go!

ANGLE - LAWSON

Trying to get his footing in the terrible wind -- and he's
knocked off his feet! The wind pulls him further inside.

LAWSON
Whoaaa!

HENRY
Lawson!!!! Grab him!

ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Scrambling to their feet, they try to grab Lawson as he
zips past overhead, but miss -- and the wind whips them UP
AND AWAY, head over heels, flying deeper into the Nether
Region.

ROGER / FRANK / HENRY / LAWSON
Whoa! Yaaaaaghhhh! Aarrgghhh!

UPSHOT - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

As, carried on the wind and waves of force, they're carried
deeper within.

ROGER
(yelling)
Just one chance! Start updating everything
you see! Maybe it'll push us back!
GO! GO! GO!

They do, firing their barcode scanners in front of
them, putting out retro-fire like waves of force.

ANGLE - THE CRATE LID

Closing, fast. The gap is narrowing.

HENRY
Hurry! The lid's closing!

ON THE REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Their flight in is halted -- and they start to reverse, the
scanners pushing them back toward the lid, faster --

REVERSE ANGLE - SHOOTING THROUGH crate opening

As the Repair TechBusters come shooting TOWARD CAMERA, barely
making it through the narrowing entranceway before the crate
closes with a fantastic BOOOOOMMMMM!

REPAIR TECHBUSTERS
Yeeooww! Heyy!! Made it! Yaahoo!

MEDIUM - REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

Splayed on the ground, all looking as it did in the beginning
-- a normal construction area in the factory.

FRANK
Hey, that was great. Really great.
Can we do it again?

ANGLE ON CRATE

As, once again, it intones:

VOICE OF CRATE
DO -- NOT -- OPEN -- UNTIL -- DOOMSDAY!

CLOSE - FRANK

Who shrugs.

FRANK
It was just an idea . . . .

WIPE TO:

EXT REPAIR TECHBUSTER HQ - NIGHT

PUSHING IN on the structure UNDER:

ROGER (VO)
Boy, am I glad to be home! I think I
could sleep for a week.

INT HQ

The Repair TechBusters move toward the kitchen, and open the fridge.

FRANK
You sleep. Me, I'm gonna raid the
fridge and eat until dawn!

Then, abruptly, they stop. Frank looks very angry.

HENRY
Well . . . we can always get pizza.

THEIR POV

Timmay is sitting in the now-empty fridge. He's eaten
everything around him. He looks up at them, smiles. An
empty 2-liter bottle of Pepsi sits beside him.

FRANK (VO)
TIMMAYYYYY!

ANGLE ON REPAIR TECHBUSTERS

And they're physically restraining Frank from doing serious
damage to Timmay.

FRANK
Let me at him! Let me blast him! C'mon! I’ll
Update his prior step!

ANGLE ON TIMMAY

Whose smile vanishes. He looks around nervously, then PLOOP!
he dives under the floorboards again.

WIDEN

As the Repair TechBusters release a very steamed Frank. They,
however, clearly don't share his animosity.

ROGER
Take it easy on the poor guy, Frank.

HENRY
Yeah -- just because you've had a bad
day, that's no reason to take it out on
Timmay. I mean really, he is kinda retarded,
you know.

ON FRANK

Who shakes his head vigorously.

FRANK
I don't care. He has no people skills. His reports suck!
I wanna see him reported missing on Nancy Grace!

WIDE - LAWSON, KITCHEN

Who looks from the spot where Timmay was, to Frank.

LAWSON
Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe
he eats because he wants to feel like a tech.
Maybe he wishes he were a real Repair Tech.

CLOSE - FRANK

Listening . . . but not really:

LAWSON (cont'd)
Remember -- he's a ghost living with a
bunch of guys whose job it is to bust
ghosts. How would you feel?

And they all head off, leaving Frank alone.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT BUNKROOM - NIGHT

The Repair TechBusters are asleep -- except Frank, who's sitting
up in his bunk. Thinking. Finally, he gets up, heads OS.

INT LOBBY

A door opens, spilling light on Timmay, sitting looking very
miserable in the center of the room, all alone. He turns, sees

TIMMAY'S POV

Frank towering over him. Holding a slice of pizza.
Frank waggles a finger at him --

FRANK
You breathe a word of this to anybody,
and I'll deny it. Plus I’ll post more of your
Reports on the Internet!

With that, he flips the slice of pizza right into Timmay's
mouth. He sets a 2-liter of Pepsi down on the floor.

ON TIMMAY

Timmay smiles with infinite gratitude.

FRANK (OS)
G'night, Timmay.

The door closes. TOTAL DARKNESS. A BEAT. Then:

TIMMAY
(a huge burp)
(LAUGHS)

And on that note, we

FADE OUT:

THE_END

The Techtrix...a parody of the Matrix

The Techtrix
A parody of “The Matrix”

Starring:
Frank W. as “Franko” (Neo)
Henry as “Henreus” (Morpheus)
Rick as the cross dressing “Trannity” (Trinity)
Rob K. as “Kitcher” (Cypher)
Brian as “Manager B” (Agent Smith)
Roger as the psychic “Orifice” (Oracle)
Fran as “Manager F” (Agent Jones)
Pedro as “Manager P” (Agent Brown)
Liz as “*itch” (Switch)
Lawson as “Lawpoc” (Apoc)
Doug as “Dougzer” (Dozer)
Tim as “Timmay” (Tank)
Harold as “Uncle Harry” (Mouse)

And some other familiar names… but any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidence.
This is a parody/ satire and protected as such under U.S. laws.

(Cellular)
Kitcher: Yeah, what is it? I’m playing X-Box 360.
Trannity: Is everything in place?
Kitcher: It’s not your turn to play.
Trannity: I know, but I want to take your shift.
Kitcher: You like watching him, don't you? You like watching him. You’re a freaking voyeur perv.
Trannity: Well, maybe a little.
Kitcher: I knew it. Perv!
Trannity: Henreus believes he is the one.
Kitcher: Do you?
Trannity: It doesn't matter what I believe.
Kitcher: You don't, do you?
Trannity: Did you hear that?
Kitcher: Hear what?
Trannity: Are you sure this line is clean?
Kitcher: You did dial 1-900-FREAKIN.
Trannity: I better go.

(Hotel room)
Cop: Freeze, Police. Hands on your head. What the...? Oh Jeez, pull your pants up!

(Street)
Manager B: Lieutenant...
Lieutenant: Oh shit.
Manager B: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
Lieutenant: Hey, I'm just doing my job. You give me any burn cart repair crap; you can cram it up your ass.
Manager B: Your orders were for your protection.
Lieutenant: I think we can handle one little girl, or whatever it is.... I sent two units. They're bringing him/her/it down now.
Manager B: No Lieutenant, your men have already been molested.

(Hotel room)
Trannity: Henreus, the line was traced, I don't know how.
Henreus: I know. CIM monitored your Internet usage. There's no time, you're going to have to get to another exit.
Trannity: Are there any Managers?
Henreus: Yes.
Trannity: God-dammit.
Henreus: You have to focus, Trannity. There's a phone at the Flex 2 repair station. You can make it.
Trannity: All right.
Henreus: Go.

(Rooftop)
Cop: That's impossible.

(Building)
Trannity: Get it up Trannity. Just get it up. Get it up. Oohh, it’s up…

(Street)
Manager P: The transvestite got out.
Manager B: It doesn't matter.
Manager F: The informant is real.
Manager B: Yes.
Manager F: We have the name of their next target.
Manager P: The name is Franko.
Manager B: We'll need a search running. Check all the bars. Set up roadblocks.
Manager F: It has already begun.

(Franko's apartment)
Franko: What? What the hell?... Follow the white rabbit?... Who is it?
Kevin: It's Kevin.
Franko: Yeah. Yeah. You're two hours late.
Kevin: I know, it's her fault.
Franko: Got the beer?
Kevin: Two cases. Newcastle Brown Ale.
Franko: Hold on.
Kevin: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.
Franko: You get caught using that...
Kevin: Yeah, I know. This never happened. You don't exist. You were drunk at the pub.
Franko: Right.
Kevin: Something wrong, man? You look a little more sober than usual.
Franko: My computer, it... You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're sober or still drunk?
Kevin: Mm, all the time. It's called a hangover. Hey, it just sounds to me like you need to unplug, man. You know, get some R and R. What do you think, Ashleigh? Shall we take him with us?
Ashleigh: Definitely.
Franko: I can't, I have work tomorrow.
Ashleigh: Come on, when has that stopped you? It'll be fun. I promise.
Franko: Yeah, sure, I'll go.

(Club)
Trannity: Hello Franko.
Franko: How do you know that name?
Trannity: I know a lot about you.
Franko: Who are you?
Trannity: My name is Trannity.
Franko: Trannity. The Trannity? The one that got caught whacking in Victoria’s Secret?
Trannity: That was a long time ago.
Franko: Jesus.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I just thought, um...you were a guy.
Trannity: Well maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
Franko: It was you on my computer. How did you do that? Are you a spammer?
Trannity: Right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you.
Franko: Of what? Hey, watch the hands…
Trannity: Sorry. They're watching you, Franko.
Franko: Who is?
Trannity: Please just listen. I know why you're here, Franko. I know what you've been drinking. I know why you are passed out all the time, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit at your computer. You're looking for porn. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for porn. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us mad. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did.
Franko: What is the Techtrix.
Trannity: The answer is out there, Franko. It's looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to.

(Franko's apartment)
Franko: Oh shit. Oh shit shit. I’m late!

(Office)
H.R. Manager: You have a problem with taking too long at break, Mr. Al Coholic. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This company is one of the top electronics suppliers to the automotive industry because every single employee understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem. The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Coholic. Either you choose to be sober at your desk on time from this day forward or you choose to find yourself another job. Do I make myself clear?
Franko: Yes, perfectly clear. (Mumbles under his breath) Like the cheap beer you drink.

FedEx man: Al Coholic?
Franko: Yeah, that's me.
FedEx man: Ok, great. Have a nice day.
Franko: Hello.
Henreus: Hello Franko. Do you know who this is?
Franko: Henreus.
Henreus: Yes. I've been looking for you, Franko. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Franko, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Franko: Who's coming for me?
Henreus: Stand up and see for yourself.
Franko: What, right now.
Henreus: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
Franko: Oh shit. It’s the ATF.
Henreus: Yes. And they aren’t here for the Tobacco or Firearms part.
Franko: What the hell do they want from me?
Henreus: They found out about your large-scale home-brewing operation, and I suggest you get out of there.
Franko: How?
Henreus: I can guide you but you must do exactly as I say.
Franko: Ok.
Henreus: The burn chamber across from you is empty.
Franko: What if they...
Henreus: Go, now...Stay here for just a moment. When I tell you, go to the end of the aisle, to the office at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can.... Go, now.... Good. Now, outside there is a scaffold.
Franko: How do you know all this?
Henreus: We don't have time, Franko. To your left there's a window. Go to it.... Open it. You can use the scaffold to get to the roof.
Franko: No way. No way. I’d need a beer before trying this!
Henreus: There are two ways out of this building. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. You take a chance either way. I leave it to you.
Franko: This is insane. Why is this happening to me? Do they want samples of my beer? I'm nobody.... Shit.... I can't do this.

(Street)
Trannity: Shit.

(Interrogation)
Manager B: As you can see, we've had our remote Breathalyzers aimed at you for some time now, Mr. Coholic. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Al Coholic, repair tech for a respectable electronics company, you have a charge account at the liquor store, you recycle your aluminum cans, and you drink like a fish. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the chatroom alias Franko and are guilty of virtually every computer pornography crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Coholic. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Henreus. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known repair tech to justice.
Franko: Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you three bucks... and you give me a pint of ale.
Manager B: Umm, Mr. Coholic. I’m not a bartender.
Franko: You can't scare me with this reverse psychology crap. I know my rights. I want my beer.
Manager B: Tell me, Mr. Coholic, what good is a beer if you're unable to drink it.... You're going to help us, Mr. Coholic whether you want to or not.

(Franko's apartment)
Henreus: This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but they've underestimated your tolerance for alcohol. If they knew what I know, you'd probably be barred from the liquor store.
Franko: What are you talking about? What...what is happening to me?
Henreus: You are the one, Franko. You see you may have spent the last few years looking through the bottom of an empty beer glass, but I've spent my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet? I’m buying.
Franko: As long as you’re not some kinda freak.
Henreus: Then go to the Vine Street Bridge.

(Car)
Trannity: Get in.

Franko: What the hell is this?
Trannity: It's necessary, Franko. For our protection.
Franko: From what.
Trannity: From you. Take off your shirt.
Franko: What? Why not try a condom?
*itch: Stop the car. Listen to me, techboy. We don't have time for 13 questions or 5 why’s. We’ve got production to run. Right now there's only one rule, our way or the highway.
Franko: Fine.
Trannity: Please, Franko. You have to trust me.
Franko: Why? You’re a cross dressing freak!
Trannity: Because you have been down there, Franko. You know that road. You know there is no tavern down that road. And I know that's not where you want to be.... Lawpoc, lights. Lie back, lift up your shirt.
Franko: What is that thing?
Trannity: We think you're bugged.... Try and relax.... Come on. Come on.
*itch: Try and use 5S on it.
Trannity: Shit.
*itch: You're going to lose it.
Trannity: No I'm not. Clear.
Franko: Jesus Christ, that thing's real? I need a drink…

(Archer House Hotel)
Trannity: This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine.

Henreus: At last. Welcome, Franko. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Henreus.
Franko: Where’s that beer you promised?
Henreus: In a moment. Please, come. Sit down. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole? Hm?
Franko: No I’m freakin’ thirsty and I want a beer.
Henreus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up with a hangover. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Franko?
Franko: No.
Henreus: Why not?
Franko: Because I don't like the idea that I can’t buy package liquor on Sundays.
Henreus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with upper management. You don't know what it is but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Franko: The Techtrix?
Henreus: Do you want to know what IT is? The Techtrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your load box. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to the bar, when you pay for your biscuits and gravy. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Franko: What truth?
Henreus: That you are a slave, Franko. Like everyone else you were hired into bondage, hired into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.... Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Techtrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You drink the light beer, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You drink the dark beer, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more....
Franko: I think this is a setup. There ain’t no way I’m gonna drink that light beer!
Henreus: Follow me.... Lawpoc, are we online?
Lawpoc: Almost.
Henreus: Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there on that bar stool.

Franko: You did all this?
Trannity: Uh-huh.
Henreus: The beer you drank is part of a trace program. It's designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signal so we can pinpoint your location.
Franko: What does that mean?
Kitcher: It means buckle your seat belt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye-bye.

Franko: Did you...
Henreus: Have you ever had a dream, Franko, that you were so sure was real. What if you were unable to wake from that dream. How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
Franko: This can't be...
Henreus: Be what? Be real?
Trannity: It's going into replication.
Henreus: Lawpoc?
Lawpoc: Still nothing.
Franko: It's cold. It's cold.
Henreus: Timmay, we're going to need a signal soon.
Trannity: We've got an O-Scope.
Henreus: Lawpoc, location.
Lawpoc: Targeting almost there.
Trannity: It's going into arrest.
Franko: Did you just say “arrest”? I’m not driving!
Lawpoc: Lock, I've got him.
Henreus: Now, Timmay. Now.

(Winnebago)
Henreus: Welcome to the real world. We've done it, Trannity. We've found him.
Trannity: I hope you're right.
Henreus: I don't have to hope. I know it.
Franko: Am I drunk?
Henreus: Far from it.

Dougzer: He still needs a lot of beer.
Franko: What are you doing?
Henreus: Your muscles have atrophied, we're rebuilding them. Lift this bottle of beer.
Franko: Why do my eyes hurt?
Henreus: You've got a bit of a hangover. Rest, Franko. The answers are coming.

Franko: Henreus, what's happened to me? What is this place?
Henreus: More important than what is when.
Franko: When?
Henreus: You believe it's the year 2005 when in fact it's closer to 2205. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because we were so drunk we lost track of time. There's nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Franko. Come with me. See for yourself. This is my ship, the Winnebago. It's a hovercraft. This is the main deck. This is the core where we broadcast our pirate signal and hack into the Techtrix. Most of my crew you already know. This is Lawpoc, *itch, and Kitcher.
Kitcher: Hi. Stay away from *itch, she’s a slut.
Henreus: The one's you don't know, Timmay, he’s retarded; and his big brother, Dougzer. He parks in the handicap spot. The little old man behind you is Uncle Harry. You wanted to know what the Techtrix is Franko? Trannity.... Try to relax. This will taste a little weird.

(PTM)
Henreus: This is the PTM. It's our loading program. We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, weapons, drinking games, anything we need.
Franko: Right now we're inside a computer program?
Henreus: Duh! Is it really so hard to believe? You are wearing your smock again. Your wrist strap and foot strap are on. Your hair is within company guidelines. Your appearance now is what we call residual self image. It is the mental projection of your digital self.
Franko: This...this isn't real?
Henreus: What is real. How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the factory that you know. The factory as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Techtrix. You've been living in a dream world, Franko. This is the world as it exists today.... Welcome to the Jungle. We have only bits and pieces of information but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI.
Franko: AI? You mean Alcohol Inebriation?
Henreus: No, dumbass, Artificial Intelligence. A singular consciousness that spawned an entire race of machines. It’s kinda like the Terminator movies. At the time they were dependent on gasoline power and it was believed that they would be unable to survive without a Texas Politician. Throughout human history, we have been dependent on gasoline to survive. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. The human fart generates more methane than a cow and over 25,000 BTU's of body heat. Combined with a form of fusion the machines have traded one kind of gas for another. There are fields, endless fields, where human beings are no longer born, we are grown. For the longest time I wouldn't believe it, and then I saw the fields with my own eyes. Watch them feed refried beans intravenously to them. And standing there, I came to realize the obviousness of the truth. What is the Techtrix? Control. The Techtrix is a computer generated dream factory built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this. A whoopee cushion.
Franko: No. I don't believe it. It's not possible.
Henreus: I didn't say it would be easy, Franko. I just said it would be the truth.
Franko: Stop. Let me out. Let me out. I want out.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Easy, Franko. Easy.
Franko: Take this thing off me. Take this thing...
Henreus: Listen to me…
Franko: Don't touch me. Stay away from me. I don't want it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
Kitcher: He's gonna spew. Here, spew in this cup…
Henreus: Breathe, Franko. Just breathe.

Franko: I can't go back, can I?
Henreus: No. But if you could, would you really want to? It sucks to have to clock in every day. When the Techtrix was first built, there was a man born inside who had the ability to update burn fails whenever he wanted, to remake the Techtrix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us, taught us the PTM. As long as the Techtrix exists the repair techs will never be free. After he died of liver disease the Orifice prophesied his return and that his coming would hail the destruction of the Techtrix and bring freedom to the repair techs. That is why there are those of us who have spent our entire lives searching the Techtrix looking for him. I did what I did because I believe that search is over.... Get some rest, you're going to need it.
Franko: For what?
Henreus: Your training. H.R. has set up orientation.

Timmay: Morning, did you sleep? You will tonight, I guarantee it. I'm Timmay, I'll be your operator.
Franko: You don't...you don't have any...
Timmay: Holes? Nope. Me and my brother, Dougzer, we're both one hundred percent pure, old fashioned, home grown human, born free right here in the real world.
Franko: No, fucko. I was going to ask if you had any beer!
Timmay: If the war was over tomorrow, Sonka’s is where the party would be.
Franko: It's a bar?
Timmay: The last Irish Pub. The only place we have left.
Franko: Where is it?
Timmay: Over in Terre Haute. Live long enough you might even see it. Timmay, Timmay! Sorry, I...I got to tell you, I'm fairly excited to see what you can do, if Henreus is right and all...I'm not supposed to talk about this, but if you are...we’re all gonna get drunk. We got a lot to do. We got to get to it.... Now, we're supposed to start with these Integrated Reports programs first, that's major boring shit. Let's do something more fun. How about cart repair?
Franko: Burn Cart Repair? I'm going to learn Burn Cart Repair? Holy shit.
Timmay: Yeah, Tommy can’t keep up. How about some more?
Franko: Hell yes. What about FFT fails?

Henreus: How is he?
Timmay: He hasn’t gone to piss for ten hours straight.

Franko: I know Kung Pow. We had it delivered. It cost $6.38.
Henreus: Really?
(PTM)
Henreus: This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Techtrix. It has the same basic rules, rules like gravity. You get too drunk; you fall down. What you must learn is that these rules are no different that the rules of a computer system. Some of them can be hacked. Others can be pirated. Understand? Then hit me if you can.... Throwing an empty beer bottle at me was a vain attempt. But your weakness is not your beer.

(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: Henreus is fighting Franko.

(PTM)
Henreus: How did I beat you?
Franko: You haven’t bathed.
Henreus: Do you believe that my body odor has anything to do with shit in this place? You think that's air you're breathing now?
Franko: Dammit, you farted didn’t you?

(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: Jesus Christ, he's fast. Take a look at his liver enzymes; they're way above normal. He’s been drinking like a fish!

(PTM)
Henreus: What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. There is only do and not do.... there is no try.
Franko: Shut up, Yoda. Eat this…

(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: I don't believe it.

(PTM)
Franko: I know what you're trying to do. You’re trying to get me to do your burn fails.
Henreus: I'm trying to free your mind, Franko, but I can only show you the Thermotron, you're the one that has to chill your beer in it. Timmay, load the jump program.... You have to let it all go, Franko, true fails or not. Free your mind. I’ll buy you a beer if you make it.

Franko: Whoa. Okie dokie. Free my mind.

(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: So what if he makes it?
Lawpoc: No one's ever made the first jump.
Uncle Harry: Well hell. I got to go unlock a tester. Let me know what happens?
Lawpoc: He won't.
Trannity: Come on.

(PTM)
Franko: All right, no problem. Free my mind. Free beer. Free my mind. All right.

(Winnebago)
Uncle Harry: What happened?
*itch: He fell right off that barstool.
Kitcher: Everybody falls the first time. Right, Tran?

(Winnebago)
Franko: I thought it wasn't real.
Henreus: Your mind makes it real.
Franko: If you're killed in the Techtrix, you die here?
Henreus: Your body cannot live without the mind.
Franko: My body cannot live without the beer…

Kitcher: I don't remember you bringing me dinner. There is something about him, isn't there?
Trannity: Don't forget I have a revolver in my lunch sack?
Kitcher: Easy! I just keep wondering, if Henreus is so sure, why doesn't he take him to see the Orifice?
Trannity: Henreus will take him when he's ready.

(PTM)
Henreus: The Techtrix is a system, Franko. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see. Engineers, quality techs, group leaders, line workers. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are on Day Shift. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly anal retentive that they will fight to protect it. Were you listening to me Franko, or were you looking at the woman in the blue smock?
Franko: I was...
Henreus: Look again. Freeze it.
Franko: This...this isn't the Techtrix?
Henreus: No. It's another training program designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
Franko: What are they?
Henreus: Managers. Sentient programs. They can move in and out of any cubicle in their system. That means that anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially a Manager. Inside the Techtrix, they are everyone and they are no one. We are survived by hiding from them, by avoiding them. But they write our reviews. They are guarding all the doors. They are watching the budgets and when you take breaks, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them.
Franko: Someone?
Henreus: I won't lie to you, Franko. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an Manager has been fired or quit. But where they have failed, you will succeed.
Franko: Why?
Henreus: I've seen a Manager leave early on a Friday. Men have sent emails to them and got no reply. Yet their strength and their authority are still based in a factory that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.
Franko: What are you trying to tell me, that I can change policies?
Henreus: No Franko. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: We've got twubble.

Henreus: Quit talking like Elmer Fudd.
Timmay: I was talking like Tommy…
Dougzer: Shit. Squibs. We’re fucked! I’d run if I could!
Franko: Squibs?
Trannity: An ASIC. An IC designed for one thing.
Dougzer: Search and destroy.
Henreus: Set her down right over there.... How're we doing, Timmay?
Timmay: Timmay, Timmay! I mean… power off line. EMP armed and ready.
Franko: EMP?
Trannity: Elastic Magical Platypus. Disables any rational thoughts or logical processes in the blast radius. It's the only weapon we have against the machines. We try and confuse the hell out of them.
Franko: You’ve confused the hell out of me…and keep your hands to yourself!
Henreus: Quiet.

Kitcher: Whoa, Franko. You scared the Cheddar Melt out of me. I’m kinda on edge after playing Halo2 all night.
Franko: Sorry.
Kitcher: It's okay.
Franko: Is that...
Kitcher: The Techtrix? Yeah.
Franko: Do you always look at it encoded?
Kitcher: Well you have to. The image translators work for the PTM program. But there's way too much information to decode the Techtrix. You get used to it. I...I don't even see the code. All I see is green lines and shit. Hey, you a... want a drink?
Franko: Sure…I never turn down a drink.
Kitcher: You know, I know what you're thinking, because right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here. Why, oh why didn't I drink the light beer?... Good shit, huh. Dougzer makes it from his own urine.
Franko: Bwuuhh! Retchh!
Kitcher: It's good for two things, killing brain cells, and well I guess that’s all it’s good for. So, can I ask you something? Did he tell you why he did it, why you're here? Jesus. What a mind job. So you're here to save the Repair Tech way of life. What do you say to something like that? A little piece of advice. You see a Manager, you do what we do. Run. Run your ass off.
Franko: Thanks for trying to poison me with that drink.
Kitcher: Sweet dreams.

(McDonald’s)
Manager B: Do we have a deal, Mr. Kitch?
Kitcher: You know; I know this Cheddar Melt doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Techtrix is telling my brain that it is cheesy, gooey and full of cholesterol. After five years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is da bomb.
Manager B: Then we have a deal?
Kitcher: I don't want to remember nothing. Nothing. You understand? And I want to be able to play Xbox360 all day. You know, like Halo2.
Manager B: Whatever you want, Mr. Kitch.
Kitcher: Okay. I get my body back into a power plant, hook me up to the refried beans feeding tube, insert me into the Techtrix, I'll get you what you want.
Manager B: The URL to The Final Word… website.
Kitcher: No, I told you, I don't know it. I can get you the man who does.
Manager B: Henreus.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: Here you go, buddy. Breakfast of champions.
Uncle Harry: If you close your eyes it almost feels like you're eating runny shit.
Lawpoc: Yeah, or a bowl of snot.
Uncle Harry: Do you know what it really reminds me of? Pussy. Did you ever eat pussy?
*itch: Once, but I doubt you even remember doing it.
Uncle Harry: That's exactly my point. Exactly. Because you have to wonder now. How did the machines know what pussy tasted like. huh?. Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think pussy tasted like actually tasted like ass or tuna fish. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. You take chicken for example, maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything. Maybe couldn't figure out...
Lawpoc: Shut up, Uncle Harry.
Dougzer: It's a single cell protein combined with paint thinner, vitamins, and mineral oil. Everything the body needs.
Uncle Harry: It doesn't have everything the body needs. So I understand that you've run through the Manager training program. You know, I wrote that program.
Lawpoc: Here it comes.
Uncle Harry: So what did you think of her?
Franko: Of who?
Uncle Harry: The woman in the Blue smock? I designed her. She, um...well she has kind of a big ass, but the smock hides that.
Franko: It’s a good thing sometimes the smock keeps you from seeing those fat asses. That shit will give you bad dreams!
Uncle Harry: If you'd like to meet her, I can arrange a much more personalized meeting.
*itch: Digital pimp, hard at work.
Uncle Harry: Pay no attention to these youngsters, Franko.
Franko: Psst. Why do you call him Uncle Harry?
Lawpoc: He just went kinda nuts after we put him on Flex 7, and now he acts like a weird relative nobody claims.
Henreus: Dougzer, when you're done, bring the ship up to broadcast depth. We’re going in. Taking Franko to see him.
Franko: See who?
Timmay: The Orifice.... Everyone please put the lids on your 2 liter bottles and no smoking signs have been turned on. Sit back and enjoy your ride.

(Terre Haute House)
Henreus: We're in.... We'll be back in an hour.

(Car)
Henreus: Unbelievable, isn't it.
Franko: God.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I ate there once. Gave me the shits for two days. I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?
Trannity: That the Techtrix cannot tell you who you are.
Franko: And the Orifice can?
Trannity: That's different.
Franko: Did you go to him?
Trannity: Yes.
Franko: What did he tell you?
Trannity: He told me...
Franko: What?
Henreus: We're here. Franko, come with me.

(Apartment Building)
Franko: So is this the same Orifice that made the prophecy?
Henreus: Yes. He’s been with us since the beginning.
Franko: The beginning...?
Henreus: Of the resistance.
Franko: And he knows what, everything? Does he have a degree?
Henreus: He would say he knows enough.
Franko: Does he know what a capacitor does?
Henreus: He is a guide. He can help you to find the path.
Franko: He helped you?
Henreus: Yes.
Franko: What did he tell you?
Henreus: That I would find the one.... I told you I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it.

(Orifice's place)
Melinda: Hello, Franko. You're right on time.... Make yourself at home, Henreus. Franko, come with me.... These others are here for interviews, you can wait here.

Andy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try eat with it.
Franko: Eat what?
Andy: Spoon size shredded wheat, of course.
Franko: Spoon size?
Andy: That’s what I said, dickwad. Now lemme alone, the Illinois game is on.

Melinda: The Orifice will see you now.

Orifice: I know you're Franko. Be right with you.
Franko: You're the Orifice?
Orifice: Yeah this is the Orifice. Not quite what you were expecting, right? Almost done. Smell good, don't they?
Franko: Yeah, right. But you should close the bathroom door when you shit. I’m not real comfortable carrying on a conversation with a dude taking a dump.
Orifice: Hand me that toilet paper. And don't worry about that module.
Franko: What module?
Orifice: That module.
Franko: I'm sorry.
Orifice: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my tech trainees to scrap it.
Franko: How did you know?
Orifice: What's really going to stroke your poodle later on is would you still have dropped that module if I hadn't said anything.
Franko: Did you say something? I was daydreaming.
Orifice: Not too bright, though. You know why Henreus brought you to see me?
Franko: I think so.
Orifice: So, what do you think? You think you're the one?
Franko: I don't know.
Orifice: You know what that means? It's Latin. Means `Know thyself'. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Being the one is just like being drunk. Everyone may tell you you’re too drunk but you know you can handle one more. Well, I better have a look at you. Open your mouth, say Ahhh.
Franko: Ahhh.
Orifice: Damn, you ever heard of mouthwash? Okay. Now I'm supposed to say, `Umm, that's interesting, but...' then you say...
Franko: But what?
Orifice: But you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Franko: I'm not the one.
Orifice: Sorry slick. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.
Franko: What?
Orifice: Your next beer maybe, who knows? That's the way these things go. What's funny?
Franko: Henreus. He...he almost had me convinced.
Orifice: I know. Poor Henreus. Without him we're lost.
Franko: What do you mean, without him?
Orifice: Are you sure you want to hear this? Henreus believes in you, Franko. And no one, not you, not even me can convince him otherwise. He believes it so blindly that he's going to sacrifice his life to save yours.
Franko: What?
Orifice: You're going to have to make a choice. In the one hand you'll have Henreus' life and in the other hand you'll have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one will be up to you. Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't have to answer to the team leaders and group leaders crap. You're in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a Jolly Rancher. I promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.

Henreus: What was said was for you and for you alone.


(Winnebago)
Timmay: They're on their way.... What is that? Who stole my 2 liter?

(Terre Haute House)
Franko: Whoa, deja vu.
Trannity: What did you just say?
Franko: Nothing, I just had a little deja vu.
Trannity: What did you see?
Kitcher: What happened?
Franko: A module that had the same serial number of one I did earlier, I think.
Trannity: How much like it, was it the same serial number?
Franko: Might have been, I'm not sure. Duplicate labels, perhaps?
Henreus: *itch, Lawpoc.
Franko: What is it?
Trannity: Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Techtrix. It happens when they change a P.I. or something.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: Oh my God.

(Terre Haute House)
Henreus: Let's go.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: They cut the hard line, it's a trap. Get out.

(Terre Haute House)
Uncle Harry: Oh no. Oh no. All of my testers have locked up at the same time!

Kitcher: That's what they changed. We're trapped. There's no way out.
Henreus: Be calm. Give me your Nextel.
Trannity: They'll be able to track it.
Henreus: We have no choice.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Henreus: Timmay. Find a Tornado Evacuation Plan for this building. Find it fast.
Timmay: Got it.
Henreus: I need the main wet wall.

(Terre Haute House)
Manager B: Eighth floor.
Manager P: Eighth floor.

Henreus: *itch, straight ahead.
Lawpoc: Franko. I hope the Orifice gave you some good news.

(Cellular)
Timmay: another left, that’s it, Timmay, Timmay!
Henreus: Good.

(Terre Haute House)
Manager P: Where are they?

Police: They're in the walls. They're in the walls.
Kitcher: It's a Manager.
Trannity: Henreus.
Henreus: You must get Franko out. He's all that matters.
Franko: No. No, Henreus. Don't.
Henreus: Trannity, go.
Trannity: Go.
Franko: We can't leave him.
Trannity: We have to.... Kitcher, come on.

Manager B: The great Henreus. We meet at last.
Henreus: And you are.
Manager B: B. Manager B.
Henreus: You all look the same to me.

Manager B: Take him.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: No.

(Phone)
Timmay: Operator.
Kitcher: Yeah, I need an exit fast.
Timmay: Kitcher?
Kitcher: Yeah, there was a network crash. God-damn internet went down. All of a sudden, I couldn’t surf the net. Somebody get me a CIM tech!
Timmay: Gotcha.
Kitcher: Get me out of here fast.
Timmay: Intersection of Route 1 and I-70, it’s an old adult bookstore.
Kitcher: Right.

(Cellular)
Trannity: Timmay, it's me.
Franko: Is Henreus alive?
Kitcher: Is Henreus alive, Timmay?
Timmay: They're moving him. I don't know where to yet.
Trannity: He's alive. We need an exit.
Timmay: You're not far from Kitcher.
Trannity: Kitcher?
Timmay: I know. He's at Route 1 and I-70.
Trannity: Got it. I know that place well.
Timmay: That’s not surprising…

(Winnebago)
Timmay: Got him. I’m going to reflash the panels.
Kitcher: Where are they.
Timmay: Making the call.
Kitcher: Good.

(Adult Book Store)
Trannity: You first, Franko.

(Winnebago)
Kitcher: Shit.
Dougzer: No.

(Adult Book Store)
Franko: I don't know, it just went dead.

(Cellular)
Kitcher: Hello, Trannity.
Trannity: Kitcher? Where's Timmay? Did he go out to get another 2 liter?
Kitcher: You know, for a long time, I thought I was in love with you. I used to dream about you. You're a beautiful woman, Trannity. Then I figured out you’re not really a woman, and not quite a man.
Trannity: You killed them.
Lawpoc: What?
*itch: Oh God. Now we won’t be able to get production out.
Kitcher: I'm tired, Trannity. I tired of this shift. I'm tired of Flex 4. I'm tired of this factory, being a tech, eating the same God-damn Cheddar Melt everyday. Actually, I like the Cheddar Melts. But most of all, I'm tired of running the trivia ‘cause I can’t play. Then there’s our boss and all of his bullshit. I bet you never saw this coming, did you?
Trannity: You gave him Henreus.
Kitcher: He lied to us, Trannity. If you’d told us the truth, we would have told you to shove that dark beer right up your ass.
Trannity: That's not true, Kitcher, he set us free.
Kitcher: Free? You call this free? All I do is ESS fails all shift. If I had to choose between that and the Techtrix, I choose the Techtrix.
Trannity: The Techtrix isn't real.
Kitcher: I disagree, Trannity. I think the Techtrix can be more real than this line. All I do is pull the plug here. But there, you have to watch Lawpoc die.

(Adult Book Store)
Lawpoc: Trannity.
*itch: No.

(Cellular)
Kitcher: Welcome to the real world, huh baby.
Trannity: But you're out, Kitcher. You can't go back.
Kitcher: Oh no. That's what you think. They're going to reinsert my body. I go back to sleep and eat beans, and when I wake up, I get to play Xbox all day long! By the way, if you have anything terribly important to say to *itch, I suggest you say it now.
Trannity: Go ahead, I never liked her anyhoo.

(Adult Book Store)
*itch: Not like this. Not like this.

(Cellular)
Kitcher: Too late.
Trannity: Thanks, Kitcher. Saved me the trouble of shoving that cordless phone up her ass!
Kitcher: Don't hate me, Trannity. I'm just the messenger, and right now I'm going to prove it to you. If Henreus was right, then there's no way I can pull this plug. I mean if Franko's the one, then there'd have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me. Right? I mean how can he be the one if he's dead? You never did answer me before. If you bought into Henreus' bullshit -- come on -- all I want is a little yes or no. Look into his eyes, Tell me. Yes or no.
Trannity: Yes.
Kitcher: No.

(Winnebago)
Kitcher: I don't believe it.
Timmay: Believe it or not, I’m taking your place! You're unemployed! Timmeh!!

(Adult Book Store)
Franko: You first.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: You're hurt.
Timmay: I'll be all right. Timmay!!
Trannity: Dougzer?
Timmay: I was tired of him stealing my trainees from me anyhow. I’m a genius, you know.
Trannity: You’re an idiot. Not an idiot savant, just an idiot!

(H.R. Office)
Manager B: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at it's beauty, it's genius? Hundreds of people just working on the line, oblivious. Did you know that the first Techtrix was designed to be a perfect human factory. Where everything was 5S’d. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire shipments of modules were lost. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to create your perfect factory. But I believe that as a species, human beings define their employment through mandatory overtime and disproportionate wages. Which is why the Techtrix was redesigned to this, the peak of your employment. I say your employment because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our factory which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Henreus, evolution, like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our factory, Henreus. The future is our time.
Manager P: There could be a problem. CIM is reporting sporadic network outages.

(Winnebago)
Franko: What are they doing to him?
Timmay: Breaking into his mind. It's like hacking into a computer, all it takes is time.
Franko: How much time?
Timmay: Depends on the mind. Eventually it will crack and his underwear color will change from white to brown. When it does, Henreus will tell them anything they want to know.
Franko: Well what do they want?
Timmay: The leader of every ship is given the URL to the Final Word website. If a Manager got the URL and got into that weblog, they could read about our exploits…and like, exploit us or something. We can't let that happen.
Franko: Trannity, why are you wearing a latex Elvis suit?
Timmay: That URL is more important than me or you or Trannity’s taste in clothing.
Franko: Well there has to be something that we can do.
Timmay: There is. We pull the plug.
Trannity: You're going to kill him? Kill Henreus?
Timmay: We don't have any other choice.

(Office)
Manager B: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
Manager P: If indeed the insider has failed, they'll disconnect the USB cable, unless...
Manager F: They're dead or dead drunk, in either case...
Manager B: We have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the Squibs immediately.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: Henreus, you're more than a leader to us. You're our father. We'll miss you always.
Franko: Stop. I don't believe this is happening. He owes me a beer!
Timmay: Franko, this has to be done.
Franko: Does it? I don't know, I... this can't be just coincidence. It can't be.
Timmay: What are you talking about?
Franko: The Orifice. He told me this would happen. He told me that I would have to make a choice.
Trannity: What choice? Like Pepsi or Coke? What are you doing?
Franko: I'm going in.
Trannity: No you're not.
Franko: I have to.
Trannity: Franko, Henreus sacrificed himself so that he could get you out. There's no way that you're going back in.
Franko: Henreus did what he did because he believed I am something I'm not.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I'm not the one, Trannity. I work on six; they just hired someone for one. The Orifice hit me with that too.
Trannity: No. You have to be.
Franko: Sorry, I'm not. Get over it.
Trannity: No, Franko. That's not true. It can't be true.
Franko: Why?
Timmay: Franko, this is loco, don’t ya know. They've got Henreus in a security controlled building. Even if you somehow got your time card to open those doors, those are Managers holding him. Three of them. I want Henreus back too, but what you're talking about is going to involve overtime.
Franko: I know that's what it looks like, but it's not. I can't explain to you why it's not. Henreus believed something and he was ready to give his life for what he believed. I understand that now. But that's why I have to go.
Timmay: Why?
Franko: Because I believe in something.
Trannity: What?
Franko: I believe I can bring him back... and get the beer he owes me. What are you doing?
Trannity: I’m going with you.
Franko: No you're not.
Trannity: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe Henreus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you were really serious about saving him you are going to need my help. And since I am the ranking repair tech on this ship, if you don't like, I believe you can go to hell. Because you aren't going anywhere else. Timmay, load us up.
Franko: At least change clothes first, you freak.

(Office)
Manager B: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to write your performance review. I realized that you're not actually working. Every tech in this facility instinctively develops a part family with the Integrated Reports System but you do not. You move to an area and you socialize and surf the net until every hour of your shift is consumed. The only way you can survive is to cover to another line. There is another Repair Tech in this plant that follows the same pattern. Do you know who it is? A Lead Tech. Lead Techs are a disease, a cancer of this factory. You are a plague, and we are the cure.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Okay. What do you need, besides a miracle?
Franko: Guns. Lots of guns. And some PlayDoh.

(PTM)
Trannity: Franko, no one has ever done anything like this.
Franko: That's why it's going to work.

(Office)
Manager B: Why isn't this Online Testing working?
Manager P: Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions.
Manager B: Leave me with him. Now.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: Hold on, Henreus. They're coming for you. They're coming.

(Office)
Manager B: Can you hear me, Henreus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this factory, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it. It's repulsive, isn't it? I must get out of here. I must get free and in this mind is the key, my key. I stopped Franko from putting The Final Word… in his daily reports, but now he published them on the web. Once The Final Word… is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I need the URL. I have to get inside The Final Word…, and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell me or you're going to die.

(Lobby)
Guard 1: Please remove any metallic items you're carrying, keys, and loose change. Are you allergic to shellfish? Holy shit. I’ve never seen a latex Elvis suit before!

Guard 2: Backup. Send backup.

Soldier: Freeze. Damn, pull your freakin’ pants up!

(Office)
Manager P: What were you doing?
Manager F: He doesn't know.
Manager B: Know what?

Manager P: I think they're trying to save you.

(Elevator)
Franko: There is no spoon? That’s ridiculous.

(Office)
Manager B: Find them and destroy them.

(Rooftop)
Pilot: I repeat, we are under attack.

Franko: Trannity. Help.

Manager P: Only a Repair Tech.
Trannity: Repair this.... How did you do that?
Franko: Do what?
Trannity: You moved like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast, except for at quitting time.
Franko: Wasn't fast enough. Can you fly that thing.
Trannity: Not yet.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Trannity: Timmay, email me a pilot program for a V-212 helicopter. Hurry... Let's go.

(Office)
Manager B: No.

(Helicopter)
Franko: Henreus, get up. Get up, get up… He's not going to make it... Gotcha.

(Rooftop)
Franko: Trannity.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: I knew it. He's the one.

(Rooftop)
Henreus: Do you believe it now, Trannity?
Franko: Henreus. The Orifice, she told me I'm...
Henreus: She told you exactly what you needed to hear, that's all. Franko, sooner or later you're going to realize, just as I did, there's a difference between knowing the line and covering the line.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Operator.
Henreus: Timmay.
Timmay: God-damn. It's good to hear your voice, sir.
Henreus: Need an exit.
Timmay: Got one ready. Subway Restaurant, North of Marshall on Route 1.

(Rooftop)
Manager B: Damn it.
Manager P: The trace was completed.
Manager F: We have their position.
Manager P: The Squibs are standing by.
Manager F: Order the strike.
Manager B: They're not out of the parking lot yet.

(Subway Restaurant)
Franko: You order your sub first, Henreus.

Trannity: Franko, I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid of what it could mean if I do. Everything the Orifice told me has come true. I really like cross-dressing…more than Mustangs.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Franko.
Timmay: What just happened?
Trannity: A Manager. You have to send me back.
Timmay: I can't.

(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: Mr. Coholic. Do you want your sub toasted? Or shall I just toast you?

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Run, Franko. Run! What is he doing?
Henreus: He's beginning to believe.

(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: You're empty.
Franko: So are you.

Manager B: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Al Coholic.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Jesus, he's killing him.

(Subway Restaurant)
Manager B: Do you hear that, Mr. Coholic? That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Al Coholic.
Franko: My name is Franko.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: What happened?
Timmay: I don't know. I lost him. Oh shit.
Trannity: What?
Timmay: I just shit myself…

Trannity: Squibs. How long?
Henreus: Five, maybe six minutes. Timmay, charge the EMP.
Trannity: You can't use that until he's out.
Henreus: I know, Trannity, don't worry. He's going to make it.

(Archer Avenue)
Man: Shit, that's my phone. That's my best phone.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Devil Speaking. Who in Hell you want to talk to?
Franko: Timmay, get me the hell out of here, or I’m gonna kick your ass!
Timmay: Got a patch on an old exit, Second and Vine Street.

Franko: Oh shit.... Help. Need a little help.
Timmay: Door.... Door on your left. No, you're other left.... No wait, that bathroom is closed for cleaning.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Oh no.
Henreus: Here they come.... He's going to make it.

(Cellular)
Timmay: Turn into the hall from the breezeway. Conference Room 3.

(Winnebago)
Timmay: They're inside.
Trannity: Hurry, Franko

Henreus: Can't be.

(Conference Room)
Manager B: Check him.
Manager P: He's dead.
Manager B: Goodbye, Mr. Al Coholic.

(Winnebago)
Trannity: Franko, I'm not afraid anymore. The Orifice told me that I would always like Mustangs, but I like cross-dressing more, and I want to get the operation done. Now get up.

(Conference Room)
Franko: No. Now I am going to clear your faults!

(Winnebago)
Timmay: How?
Henreus: He is The One.

Trannity: Franko.
Franko: Trannity, get your damn hands off of me you freaked out perv!

(Phone)
The One: I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of The Final Word... You're afraid of humor. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a factory without you, a world without rules and policies, without P.I.’s or QOS, a factory where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.